Yellow.

When everything turns gray and lights go down.

I've been reading quite a bit lately. Can't really consider it as a lot of reading compared to most of my peers, but at least it's more than the amount that I usually read. A lot of things have been going on recently in my life, and both the events and the readings have made me realize many things or perhaps, misconceptions that I used to have in the past.

I used to think that the main task of a student, when I was one, was just to score well in my academics. Perhaps it's because of how much our society emphasizes on the importance of studies today or probably due to the fact that you'll gain that indescribable sense of pride whenever you get the highest score for whichever subject in class. And of course, in order to stand out, you had to be better than your competitors. I used to treat quizzes and exams like some sort of competition, where the winner is determined by the person who scored the highest marks. This perception during my early years didn't really grant me a lot of friends, as I would often look at my peers with animosity in my eyes. But hey, at least I made it out alive.

What I'm really trying to say is that I regret not viewing life in another perspective earlier. But who knows? I was still young and clearly oblivious to what's happening in the outside world. I regret letting many opportunities slip past just because I wanted my academics to be just fine. Looking back now, it would be good if I managed to learn a couple of things more. If only I learnt more skills/knowledge that cannot be taught inside a classroom. To be honest, I wish that I played more. I'm not talking about the computer games because I'm still playing them now, but like real sports. Could it be a sense of envy when I see many of my peers manage to dribble a ball well or at least be good in a certain sport and here I am, looking at them from the grandstand because I'm clearly too shy to demonstrate my less-than-stellar performance in sports. I've tried being more active by changing my lifestyle and trying to have an open-mind towards recreational activities but I guess that I'm kinda late.

In the past, I used to sneer at sporty people and wonder about what's the significance of 22 people on the field trying their best to snatch the ball away from each other's team when it's clearly just a ball. Perhaps that's the main reason why I decided to keep out from sports in the first place. But as I grow up, I'm starting to see a clearer picture of it right now. Sure, I used to think about how people associate sports with moral values and then gladly dismiss their remarks by associating them with bullshit. But as I grow up now, I'm starting to feel a little disconnected from the rest right now as sports really bonds people together. And being bad and shy about playing badly surely won't do much good.

Sports wasn't my only regret. There were just too many opportunities that I chose to miss out on. Chances to learn and develop new skills or even just to interact with more people. I've sacrificed many of these opportunities just for the sake of academics and computer games. Right now as I'm older and hopefully wiser, I'm starting to know much more people from the different places that I go to. And it makes me really envious whenever I meet someone who has managed to take up many of life's greatest opportunities and still manage to succeed in his/her academics.

"I cannot imagine how I will cope when I discover that my life is behind me, has already happened, and I have nothing to show for it. No treasure house of collection, no wealth of experience, no accumulated wisdom to pass on. What are we, if not an accumulation of our memories?"

Many count on memories to determine how far they have gone in life. But for me so far, I wish that I can say straight to myself that I have gone as far as I should, hoped or at least let it remain as a question unanswered. But I don't think so. To be honest, I'm starting to question what the fuck have I been doing with my life. I've faced this question before a few years back in some motivational workshop. I had answers then, like being a good son to my parents and a good friend to the people around me. I'm not saying that I've deviated from that path because I still care deeply for the people around me, but I'm starting to decipher this question in another manner now. What have I achieved so far that's worth a mention right now? To be brutally honest, I have achieved  nothing that can be at least comparable to the people around me. I haven't been participating much in competitions in the past few years, much less winning them. It's like there has been a sudden void of events during the past few years of my life and it's really sad to realize that I've been seemingly wasting my life away and shutting myself out from the outside world for quite a long while.

I really hope for a change right now. But hoping for it is one thing and doing something about it is another. I've slightly more than 1.5 years to ponder it through and make my life more meaningful even though I may be restricted by my National Service commitments. Perhaps I should pick up a new skill or at least interact more with others and hopefully, make more genuine friends along the way before heading to university. But hey, maybe everything will turn out fine for me and all that I got to do right now is to stop wishing and actually do something about it.

When everything isn't yellow,
will we still smile through broken glass and live in falsetto?

Wildest Dreams.

I thought heaven can't help me now.



It's funny how I used to have these dreams of mine. Dreams of becoming something better than what I am now. Becoming the better lover. Being one of the most successful and popular celebrity in the world. Looking back at it now, it all seemed so childish. Maybe I was just a kid then, and I only knew about these big dreams without knowing what was expected of me. Don't get me wrong. I believe that there are instances when big dreams become reality for certain individuals. But I'm pretty sure that almost all of them did not start off being fed with a silver spoon. Most of them faced obstacles that seemed insurmountable. In fact, there were many others who were thrown into similar situations as them but failed due to various reasons and circumstances. Growing up made me realize that success demands hard-work and patience. There will be times when you feel like you're inching really close to your breaking point and being pushed to your limits, but it'll be worth it in the end if you decide to push on.

And this may be the ironic part after all. It feels like we're being raised in a society that teaches us that hard-work is the key in order for us to attain success. But what if it gives us an unrealistic expectation of what we want to achieve based on the amount of blood and sweat that we put in? Most of us want to pursue a successful career, have a great work-life balance and of course, enjoy retirement. I've been having a hunch that with all these expectations of ours, it makes us work harder, but prepares us lesser for the worst that has yet to come. Growing up made me realize that bigger dreams and ambitions will only lead to bigger disappointments and upsets in your life. That's why even though it may seem nice to think about what it feels like to be a successful lawyer or a doctor, it's these perceived visions of us that raises our expectations of what we want to achieve when we clearly know that there are certain conditions and circumstances that are completely uncontrolled by us. We may have the opportunity to prepare for the worst, but if we prepare for the unexpected, wouldn't the unexpected become expected, and we will still be vulnerable to the unexpected variables in life?

Maybe it's just the past experiences that I've had that made me become really pessimistic these days. I used to have those bigger dreams of mine of becoming outstanding from the rest. There have been many instances when I've been putting in lots of hard work but have been hit right in the head that I wasn't going to make it. Up till today, I still envy people who have an optimistic mindset because they're still able to see the positive side of life despite the whole load of bullshit that they have to go through. I don't think I'll ever be that kind of person again, since seeing the bright side of things only lead to bigger dreams and expectations, which will usually end up in tears and disappointment. I've learnt throughout the years that it'll be better to think negatively and try to list out the worst possible scenario and prepare hard for it. Even if nothing good comes out from anything that I do, I'll still be content because I know that I've done my best for it. And if a silver lining appears, I'll just take it as a blessing and be happy even if it's just for a little while.

Nothing lasts forever,
but this is gonna take me down.

Sober.

I don't know this could break my heart,
or save me.

It's been a while since I really went back and see all of them together in one setting. It just feels so fictional that so many things can happen within just a few years. It's been a while since I've last seen many of them, and sometimes I really feel like I've failed as an older cousin because I am not really close to this side of the family. Being born and raised here, I feel extremely blessed to have benefitted from so many things that our dear country has given us. And even though this means that I have to sacrifice 2 years of my life to serve the country, I've always felt that this is one of the ways for me to give back to my society. To play a part in defending our country and of course, our friends and family even if it means that there will be difficult times ahead of me. Maybe it's the decision that we have made a long time ago and the distance separating us that have caused us to interact less. But I feel like I've really disappointed most of them because I was oblivious to the many events that were occuring within my extended family. Probably it was due to the fact that I didn't give two fucks about what was going on especially when my Cantonese wasn't so good as compared to the rest of my family so I feel really awkward whenever I'm with them. But sitting together on the same table made me realise that I've already become a stranger to most of them. And the worst part is, I don't even remember most of my cousins' names, let alone how they even look like. Some of them went through major surgeries and some of their immediate families met with a major family/financial crisis a few years back. But I didn't even give a single fuck when the disaster struck. Going back this time had made me question myself what have I done as a part of this family to deserve a spot in the family dinner when I have done absolutely nothing to show my care and concern for them when they are met with a crisis. Who am I to deserve that seat when I'm just a stranger to most of them.

It's really sad to know that some of them have been really unfortunate to be in certain situations that they are in right now. I've always been the stupid kid to them, since I don't really know how to interact with others well and I've always been doing badly in my academics in the past. They've always been the smart ones and my memory of them has always been that they're extremely blessed and happy. Sigh. Even the sands of time can wither the bravest and the strongest of hearts. I feel really empathetic when I heard that some of them no longer have the chance to enter a local university and get a local degree when I have the chance to do so now. It has only been a few years, and yet so much has changed.

I don't think that I am, or ever will be, a good role model for my younger cousins to look up to. We didn't even interact at all during that night, and I'm guessing that I'm becoming more and more invisible to their lives. Perhaps it's better this way, so that I won't really disrupt their lives that much since I make stupid decisions and act impulsively almost all the time. But still, it's pretty upsetting to realise that I'm much closer to my circle of friends when blood is supposed to be thicker than water. Regardless, I'm forever thankful to have people right by side everytime, even when I've hit ground bottom.

Picked all my weeds and kept the flowers.