I wish I could deal with these insecurities.
Sometimes I feel like I should have said the words. So that I wouldn't be feeling any regret right now. But there are also times when I tell myself not to utter a single word, because I know that I will regret it the moment this friendship crumbles, just like the many others in the past. I should be feeling happy, even when I'm not, because I know that you're contented. I know that you have made your decision and it's probably good that you've stuck with it for the past few months. Maybe you're right, even when you don't notice it. It's probably better if you pick him over me. I'm the type of person who's still afraid, afraid to fall for someone. A person who is still unwilling to cross that line and make an extra mile for you. A person who is still shy of expressing his feelings. A person who still have scars all over his heart.
It was a fruitless uphill battle after all. I would never take the extra mile for you. I wish I would, but I wouldn't. I guess I didn't know him after all. I don't have anything compared to him. He's buff, handsome and maybe treats you well. You know him much longer and even better than compared to me. And most importantly, there's chemistry between you two. But me? I have nothing. Nothing at all, maybe just wild hopes and dreams. I place myself first, before anyone else. I don't think that I would come personally to your house just to wish you happy birthday when I have my As the next day. And even though I don't, I only wished you. That's all. I'm not good enough, and I think that I'll never be good enough. I like you, but maybe I don't love you enough.
And here I am, posting my feelings on this blog that you'll never have access to. Feelings that you'll never know because the coward in me has held me back throughout the past few months. Maybe moving on was an easier option after all, instead of holding on. It's hard to snap apart these heartstrings, but I promise that I'll do my best to cut them.
Maybe we can never be friends again because it may be better for us if we don't speak at all and for you to continue to be blinded by this fact forever. Maybe, but I'll see what I can do. I know that it wouldn't hurt that bad, since you weren't exactly my close friend to begin with. But it'll still hurt, and I'll see what I can do.
All love ever does is break,
and burn,
and end.
