cause I got big deals and I got little things.
Beyonce - Mine (feat. Drake) HD by hdimax
Forgotten. That's what I've been feeling lately. It's like I've been outcast-ed from a group that I've been close with recently. Maybe it was the words that I've said, or the things that I've done, but I'll never know. I'm starting to drift away in my own realm of thoughts whenever I'm with them, when I'm supposed to be close to them. Supposed, that's the word that appears in my mind whenever I think about them. I'm like in a totally different frequency from them these few weeks that I don't know either them or me anymore. We may seem bonded, but it's getting a little too far. I hate it whenever I type something out in the chat and everyone seems to ignore what I've written instead of replying to it. I feel that I've been trying too hard to blend back in again. Maybe I've completely lost my aim this time. It's ironic, you know? To feel alone while being in the middle of a crowd. I'm only there for the things that they want me to do. I feel controlled, like really controlled, and I can't do a single thing about it.
Maybe that's the reason why I'm starting to lose interest in seeing them once more. Or maybe, I'm just starting to become more practical and compare them with my class. My class isn't perfect. All of us have flaws, but at least we give and take. Thinking about it now, I've spent 5 years trying to find a perfect class, just to discover that there'll never be a perfect class. All of us have our imperfections, and it's the imperfections of every individual that makes us unique and perfect in one way or another.
Sigh. The responsibilities that I've given myself this year. I'm starting to lose my own sense of direction. I can no longer see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. It's like I've been heading backwards whenever I attempt to move forward. I've got a huge load of proposals to look through, and also rehearsals to attend. I'm really starting to feel the pressure, with two tests next week and ODAC orientation coming soon. There's just so many things that require my attention. Man, maybe I'm reaching my breaking point.
They say that when you're at your rock bottom, forward is the only direction left for you. But how do you know whether you've hit the rock bottom? You can't, because just when you think that life has hit you hard enough, it smacks you harder around. You know what's the hardest part about growing up? It's that you'll learn how to accept the fact about losing the things that once belonged to you. I'm starting to feel a little awkward talking to a few friends lately, when we've been extremely comfortable with one another before. I really need to salvage those friendships, before they become permanently destroyed. I still regret sometimes, for what I did to you. I'd still think about what would happen to us if that didn't happen. If only I controlled myself. If only I held back and controlled the words coming out from my mouth then. If only. But there's nothing left for me to do to make the past rewind. It'll forever be a scar in me, for what I did.
I've been bottling up lots of my emotions recently, and I need a medium to let it all out. To channel all the negativity and emotions out from me soon. They say that only true friends will know what you're feeling no matter what front you put up. And so far, only a few can spot it. But maybe that is enough. At least there is still someone who looks out for you when they know that you're knocked down, because they know that I'll do the same for them too.
Sigh. I guess what I read online is applicable to me too.
A psychologist walked around a room while teaching stress management to an audience. As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they’d be asked the “half empty or half full” question. Instead, with a smile on her face, she inquired: “How heavy is this glass of water?”
Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz. She replied, “The absolute weight doesn’t matter.
It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it’s not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my arm. If I hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralyzed. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn’t change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.” She continued, “The stresses and worries in life are like that glass of water. Think about them for a while and nothing happens. Think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt. And if you think about them all day long, you will feel paralyzed – incapable of doing anything.”
Remember to put the glass down.
I got to remember to put the glass down, and turn away from people and things that make me unhappy. And I got to start now, before things get worse.
I don't wanna go back to square one.
