I don't deny what they're saying,
because most of it is true.


July has been a depressing month for me, and I thought that the Augusts for the past few years have been bad enough. Let's start with Prelims. Yes, I did quite well for it. 11 points, but I still don't feel contented. And to make it worse, I get blamed for rubbing salt onto their wounds whenever I talk about not doing well. There are times when I had the thought of not deserving the marks I had, as there were many others who worked twice, if not thrice, as hard as me and yet they had such discouraging results. I was kinda surprised that I managed to score well for my Physics despite tearing at home after the paper.

Next up, friendship problems. To be honest with you guys ( if you are reading this post ), I've been having a major friendship break up since March. That's the reason why I have been really emotional and confused in my hidden texts.

Did it hurt? Yes, the scars in my heart haven't been healed yet.
But would I want it back again? No, because I deserve every single bit of it.

You may say that I'm being unreasonable, but I wouldn't want that friendship back just being friends, considering all the secrets and stuff that I've told you over the past few months, which is greater than most of my friends, except my mortal.

I know that you tried to patch it up with me, but I guess it's really too late. There's no point walking on such a thin line when you know that you can just simply put everything down. Besides, I've already recovered halfway from it, even if the memories of it still remain.

To top that up, I had a few silly thoughts over the past few weeks. And for those who have noticed that scar on my left hand, it wasn't accidental, like what I've told most of you. Oh wait, I guess not many people notice it anyway, since I'm invisible in a crowd of friends anyway. Sometimes, I really have the thought of whether people will notice my disappearance when I leave this world. I really despise that feeling whenever you get cast aside by your friends, but what can you do other than to live with it?

Sometimes, I really think that I demand too much from my friends. In other words, I guess I'm being overly-attached. Well, that should be the reason for my poor social status. I really wanna talk about my problems with someone who understood me, but I was proven wrong ultimately. I think I'm being extremely demanding from him, and I should be giving him his personal space. I guess I'm reverting back to square one then, bottling up everything in my heart. Besides, I'm already used to it for the past few months.

And there's this girl. I really don't know what to say upon reading her blog. I don't know whether her words are directed to me or him, but I have always had this thought that she started to hate me even more this year, considering that she was one of my best friends in Secondary School. Yes, she may irritate me sometimes, but I have never felt that guilty upon stumbling on someone's blog. You know, there are really words that I wished that I can take back, but it's all too late now, as the damage's done. I really care for her, not in terms of infatuation, but as very close friends. Perhaps it is because I keep heeding my wild imagination instead of showing it to her? It really sucks to know of people's problem yet being unable to aid them in any way instead of offering them a listening ear or encouragements. Maybe that's enough, but I haven't had one for a long while.

Sigh. And there's another friendship to consider. I wouldn't consider it as a problem, but I'm actually thinking about letting it go, as it might benefit the both of us, since he has his own clique and definitely will be able to overcome it just like last September.

I really wanna maintain my positive mindset, but it's fading away because of all the disappointments that I've faced over the last few months. Maybe I should just stop looking at the bright side and start becoming self-centered, instead of caring for other people. I guess it's time to give my heart a break.

I've already reached my breaking point.
I'm only left with stomaching my thoughts.