People think they know you. They think they know how you're handling a situation. But the truth is, no one knows. No one knows what happens after you leave them, when you're lying in bed or sitting over your breakfast alone and all you want to do is cry or scream. They don't know what's going on inside your head - the mind-numbing cocktail of anger and sadness and guilt. This isn't their fault. They just don't know. And so they pretend and they say you're doing great when you're not. And this makes everyone feel better. Everyone but you.
-Stephen King
Want to start this post by leaving a note of gratitude to Gracia and Ikhmah, who have talked to me even into the wee hours in the morning trying to cheer me up. I <3 guys.="guys." you="you">
August had been a month for recovery for me. After all the care and concern that I've generally showered to others over the last few months, I started to ponder, why the hell did I ever give a fuck about all the lil' things that aren't appreciated at all. Sigh. I guess I just have to survive the last two months of the entire secondary school life that I will have. And then, it'll be the moment of farewell - Saddening for those I wouldn't ever want to part with, yet contenting to let a certain group of people go.
About the Chinese 'O' level results recently, I feel happy for others who had achieved their personal targets, and even for those who had exceeded certain expectations of themselves. Perhaps I might add in a tinge of jealousy for not managing to achieve an A2 earlier in the year, but things are completely different for the certain group of people whom I had mentioned just now. I wouldn't say that I'm gloating over their disappointments, but the thought of them under-achieving in this major examination just makes me smile. Honestly, I don't really give a single damn about the friendship that we're having now, because I'm sick over the manipulative side of yours, and add on your hypocrisy too. Even though we were ONCE good friends, I would gladly let this friendship go, because it'll no longer be about the quantity, but the quality of friends that I have. Maybe I have popped a few silly ideas in my head because of the tragic situation I have in E6, but at least I have others who will support me, no matter where and when I'll fall. So from today onward, I'll smile at your demise. And I promise you, regardless of whether you're reading this, I will fucking beat you in 'O' Levels and smack my results slip right at your face, commenting sarcastically about your excellent results at the same time.
However, there's this group of people who I'll feel for them. I know that all of us has expectations, and not all of us will be able to meet them, for now. But for those who fall under this category, I'll always be behind your backs, supporting you all the way (:. Continue to believe in yourself, and I know that you'll do well in your next attempt. (:.
Moving on, it's really nice to have close friends around you. Just recently shared a personal secret with one of my closest friends ( in fact, one of my first few friends in ZH ). I told her that I'll move on, guess I hadn't eh? ):. Sigh, if you're reading this, and know that I'm referring to you, I'm really sorry. I promised you that I wouldn't think about this anymore, but it just keeps coming back to me every single time. Did you know that that person didn't really score very well during the Chinese 'O's? I know that I shouldn't be feeling anything right now, but I still feel sorry for ______. Did you know, I really wanted to reconcile (if that's the correct word), but it'll be no use.. Sigh, I think it's coming back ><.
Anyway, Prelim 2's going to commence in about a week's time, and I haven't even prepared myself for a single bit at this stage. All I can say is, I'm screwed for my advanced papers. I wish that I could be like a few people in my class, like Adeline for instance, who always have the motivation to study hard and focus on whatever they NEED to focus on. Perhaps complacency has played a part in me this time round.
Goodbye, folks (:
The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them - words shrink things that seem limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. But it's more than that, isn't it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That's the worst, I think. When a secret stays locked within not for want of a tellar but for want of an understanding ear.
- Stephen King.
Next time I'll be braver,
I'll be my own savior.
Standing at my own two feet.
