I am not fighting anymore.
People come, people go. Only some will stay in our lives. It's hard to determine who are the ones that will be staying when you're just friends with them for a short period of time. But time doesn't mean anything. 4 years of friendship can crumble at your feet just when you least expect it. Sometimes we make wrong decisions. Decisions of holding on or letting go. Holding on to someone who treats you like crap and doesn't even notice your existence. Letting go of somebody who you have taken for granted all these while.
So I guess it's true eh? Be careful for what you wish for, because it may come back and bite you hard. Sometimes I really wish for things to be quiet, but not this quiet. I honestly thought that I have taken some people for granted this year, despite attempting to appreciate the things around me more. Maybe I'm really an attention seeker. I like to have conversations going on, and on, and on. It's like I'd feel depressed if I didn't receive a single text message or whatsapp from anyone these days. Maybe I just don't wanna be forgotten or maybe, I don't wanna be left out. That's what I've been feeling these days. Don't get me wrong, I've been practically out of my house for about half of my holidays. But there are times when I felt that I could be included in invitations for outings or events, even if I couldn't make it. At least that'll make me feel not left out. But this feeling of solitude is coming back, and I don't want it to come back, even if that's the right kind of feeling for me.
I've grown so much this year. Thinking about it, I used to have a negative perspective of life last year, when things started to slowly accelerate and take off like a jet plane, before crashing down. I had no clue on how to deal with minute matters, let alone problems. I've been basically alone for the entire year, except for the two people who have been seating beside me all along. Maybe that's the reason why I treat them as my good friends, no matter how much they disappoint me. They were there for me, no matter how things turned out. I'm starting to appreciate the little things in life, but that might also have made me a little more depressed because I'm also starting to notice the missing pieces of my life. The holes and damages that I've inflicted on myself all along. The alternatives that I could've taken if I had seen things from a different point of view. There are just so many things that could've turned out differently if only I had the self-control and had the mind-over-matter attitude. My heart always tells me what I want, but not what I should do. Maybe I should develop my hard-hearted character soon. Maybe that's the only way out after all.
I guess I'm feeling a little awkward with people around me these days. Maybe because I have already been left out and drifted away from them for too long. It's hard for me to catch up and share the same frequency as them. Maybe I should just let go of this fragment of the past and move on with my life, like what I've done before.
If you wanna go, then go.
If you wanna stay, then stay.
I'm really tired of thinking. Thinking about what I could've done to make things different. Thinking about all the friendships that I have and had. I honestly feel that the distance between my friends and I is getting further each day.
