I still remember the pain of December.
It was supposed to be a feeling that was already gone, until your face pops up inside my mind every single time. You remind me of the things that I regret, and the apologies left unsaid. I don't know why does it still last, when I've tried every thing that I could to let you go. It's like that feeling never left whenever it comes back, even for a short period of time. I hate it when I think of you. I hate it even more when the thought of you reminds me of the best thing I never had. I should've just left things alone in the first place. Never should have tried and never should have stayed. It has been so long. Too long. Too long that it's best to let things be, no matter how much I hate it. It sucks knowing that the person who built you up, is the one who tears you apart in the end. There's really nothing left to say and do now. I don't even see you anymore, but I'm still being haunted. Haunted by the memories that shouldn't have stayed.
It remains as a decision that can never be undone. Taking you for granted and crossing the line. I was being ignorant and selfish, and a million apologies would never make it erase and rewind. I feel really screwed up, because I should know what I'm missing out on now. But I don't. I don't know what's missing in my life. I feel selfish for finding another person to replace you, when it was forced all along. I find no point in opening myself up to others when the thoughts of negativity starts to flood my mind. The thought of history repeating itself. The thought of opening myself up and letting people in, for them to disappear once more. That's why I chose to play on the safe side, to close myself up and fake a smile every single day, no matter how wrecked I may be. I also feel very selfish for putting up barriers between myself and the great friends I've made so far. It's like they've been opening up to me so much, that even I would expect myself to open up to them more, to at least let them know something that is beneath the surface of what they see. But I can't. I just can't.
I think that it has come to a point when I should start giving up. Giving up on trying to do what it takes to make things feel better. I can no longer make it feel right, when I know that it's been wrong all along.
I'm not sure how I got there.
But all of the roads led me here.
