The next friday night, we were sitting out under the stars.
You should've seen her smile, when I took out my guitar.
Memories. They say it's better for memories to remain, because your impression of people will never change. Remembering them for what they did in the past, and not for the the mistakes that they've done until now. I wish I could replay these moments, to play everything all over again. There will be foresight, and the bigger picture will remain etched in my mind. I miss my life. I really do. The days when I could do anything that I probably wanted to do-to hang out with my friends or even sleep for as long as I possibly could. The hell cycle is starting to get into my head. I'm getting sick and tired with all of the committments and responsibilities that are weighted down on my shoulders. We're already at the last lap of the race, and it's really discouraging to know that I haven't been realising my fullest potential, and getting marked down again and again, and again.
If I knew then, I would really treasure the efforts that many others have put in for me. It pains me whenever I think of the state we're in now. It really felt like yesterday when everything seemed awkward at the start and when everyone slowly got used to and comfortable with one another. I miss this family, and I really wish for it to be whole again. Maybe it's indirectly my fault for not attempting to iron things out, because I chose the path of running away, but it's really saddening to catch up with time. It's only been a few weeks that I've been gone, but everything has changed so drastically when I returned. Everything has changed, and I'm still not used to it. There seems to be a barrier now whenever I'm with them, especially during those moments when there were no words exchanged. It wasn't direct, but the silence and the expression on their faces spill everything out. I'm no longer part of that group anymore, and it's really time to move on.
Maybe what Clare said was right. I would be a fool to get into a relationship, or at least, for now. They say that people know themselves best, but the struggle between my head and my heart never ends. But the things that we talked about that day, will I ever be mature enough to handle such matters of the heart? I'm still spending my days throwing mini tantrums at people whenever things don't go my way and only thinking about myself most of the time. I tried to care about others more, but I usually put myself first before them. I don't think that I would be mature enough to care about someone who comes into my life. Relationships require committment, and that is probably one of my greatest flaws. This year is going to pass real quick, and there won't be enough time to make it last. I don't even know whether the feeling's mutual or not and even if it is, how different would it make? Both of us have committments, be it large or small. Even up till today, I don't believe that campus relationships will ever last. I've seen too many cases of Hello Heartache, and how they fell from cloud nine and grace. Maybe I should let nature take its course, and see what happens. Things may just be the way I want them to be in the end. I shouldn't force or rush it for things to appear miraculously, before history repeats itself again. Maybe I should just let it all go to the sands of time. If this feeling is real, it shouldn't be fading away soon.
Man. If only I could freeze time and have enough room and privacy to take a deep breath and capture the moments I have. It's really through these moments in life that defines who you are, and how you have been living. I wish that there was a rewind button, so that I can play every single memory again and smile to the choices that I've made in the past.
All that I need is this moment.
