Here comes me wishing things had never changed.
I can't believe April just came and passed by so quickly. There was hardly any time to truly rest. Yes, there were times when I felt like totally slacking and not doing any work, but the guilt haunts me whenever I choose to do so. Anyway, April's gone. And that means that I'll be stepping down from my CCA really soon. I should be happy, with all the extra time that I'll have. But I'm not. I'm really going to miss the company in ODAC. The bonds that we fostered throughout the past year and the memories we made. I may not have been the best president, but I really hope that I've managed to do them proud throughout the past year. Honestly, I wouldn't have survived the trials and hardships without them. The encouragements and support that they have given me were really unexpected, since I was supposed to remain composed and do things the right way. But I appreciate them. I really do. I don't know why, but even though we only meet twice a week (or even lesser sometimes), some of them are close to my heart. It seems like the company really matters after all, no matter what journey we're going through. My first friend in NYJC, the weekly ODAC dinners, my 3 classmates and the one I've gotten to know more about since Novus. Things really changed a lot this year, especially the latter. I still remember knowing him as just an EXCO who was under me, and I didn't really bother trying to know more about him. But ODAC has been consistently a common topic for us in Novus. And truthfully, I think that he's really one of the few people that made me become a better president this year, as compared to last year.
Thinking about it now, I don't want things to end this quickly. It feels like Ad Meliora has just ended yesterday. Time really flies eh? It feels like hell going through PW and all my other work committments, but a sense of nostalgia rushes past me whenever I think about it now. The next few months are just going to pass even quickly, with all the stress building up. And that moment of goodbye will come again, with all my emotions stirring up.
I have never been a fan of goodbyes. For those who didn't know, I place connections and relationships at a much higher importance than many others. I feel that the friends around you really shape and define who you are. Friends make you happy, and they make you sad. But they are the ones who go through the same shit with you. And I don't want them to leave, forever and no matter for what reason. They make up a part of me. Sigh. But no matter how idealistic I may be, my mind never fails to tell me otherwise. All the events that were supposed to be erased were archived instead. All the arrogance I once had. All the important friendships that I've decided to let go. They were my regrets, and I'm really hoping that they will not come back to life once more.
Maybe that's the reason why I've been trying to be as low profile as possible last year. I was afraid to make friends. Afraid that I would just push them away without any reason or whatsoever. Afraid of disappointments. There weren't really friends whom I could really trust my deepest secrets with, even though it was supposed to be alright. I suppose I was still in the midst of recovery from the chaos and mayhem that occurred. But I'm thankful for the people around me, especially for those who knew that I really tried to make an effort to step out of my comfort zone to interact with strangers/acquaintances. I'm really grateful for being blessed with the opportunities to meet every single one of them.
So yeah, the countdown is still going on. The true battle begins just short of 200 days away, and I'm going to treasure every single moment that's left. Maybe I should take the next step to maintain the friendships which I have fostered over the past two years, instead of sitting around and waiting for it to be magically sustained. Perhaps that's the mistake that I've been making all along. But NYJC may be the right place, and now seems to be the right time to do it.
Sigh. I really hate preparing for goodbyes, or at least, official ones. It seems like we've all grown and have also grown apart from each other. Maybe I wouldn't be there in the first place, but that wouldn't change much of the harsh reality, wouldn't it?
I remember all those crazy things we did.
