Waste days in foreign places.
Watching the clouds pass by isn't exactly the best hobby to have, but it makes me wonder. Wonder about what on earth am I doing with my life. It's fine having flaws and imperfections, but sometimes, it's better to work on them. But I don't know how to. I've been thinking about the resolutions that I've made every single year. To be happy. That keeps popping up every time - clearly an indication that I haven't been really happy for these past few years. It's really easy to fake a smile and brush off all my hatred and anger lightly, but no one ever knows how hard is it to make it seem so easy. I honestly expected myself to be better by now, but I don't know why I'm still getting sucked into this black hole of negative thoughts and depression. Maybe it's because of the little insecurities creeping back into my life again.
Sometimes I ponder, what if I did things differently then? What if I chose to join other CCAs over choir in secondary school? I might be a completely different person today. I don't know why, but even though choir has blessed me with 5 lifelong friends, I have a lack of male friends, since I was a Soprano all along. And then there came the great depression when my voice finally broke when my promise to my friends was fulfilled. I just couldn't sing anymore, and it honestly felt heart-wrenching hearing myself sing like that when I used to be so much better. If I joined something else, maybe I would have been really fitter, and have many more male friends. To be honest, I don't really know how to interact with males, even though I'm one. Today's heart-to-heart talk with Clare was really inspiring and a wake-up call for myself. I feel really blessed with a friend like her. It's been an awesome 5 years of friendship with her, from being arch enemies in Sec 1 despite going home together and becoming the best of friends today. I really miss all the bus/MRT rides we had, and the times when she really stood by my side and guided me when I had the darkest hour of my life.
Back to the topic, I'm really going to post something personal in here, as it has been ages since I've last posted about something specific and personal about myself. Like what I've said, I don't have any close male friends. I mean, if I'm needed to list down all my friends in terms of friendships, it wouldn't be surprising if the Top 10 are girls. I think I have big issues with socializing, especially when I'm thinking way too much. I have this huge problem of thinking that I'm annoying someone as I'll constantly flood my friends with personal messages if I'm really close with them. Maybe that's the reason why I tend to shy away after some time, when I conclude my thoughts with my fears.
Sometimes I wish that I could replay everything all over again. I used to take everything for granted, and it was too late for me when I figured out what I was missing out on after letting everything go. Thinking about it now, I don't even know what went through my mind when I decided to let go of certain friendships. Maybe those were the days when my mind was filled with so many little things, that I've forgotten about the big picture of my life. Too busy with scrutinizing the little details that I've completely destroyed the entire image which was originally pictured in my mind.
It feels like the first time in forever, since I've genuinely felt that way. Maybe it's because I was confused then, and I just couldn't let go of what was left behind in the past. And it seemed like forever, since I've last felt liberated in feeling this way again. Sometimes I call myself a fool, when there's going to be high probability that I'm going to face failure again. But I don't know, I seem to be clinging onto something that seems so hard to hold on to.
Tell me that we're still too young,
and I'll hold my tongue.
