Some things are better left unsaid.
I'm not sorry that it's over, but for the way we let it end.
It's Sunday already. Sigh. It's the end of my 'free' week to mug. I hope that I'll be ready for it, because I'M STILL NOT. Halfway done with Chemistry, Physics and Maths. Barely started with Econs and not even started with GP. I wish that I'll be able to play the trump cards in my hands properly this time round, because things didn't really go too well for my mid-years. I'm expecting As for Chemistry and Maths and I hope that I won't be too complacent like last time and mess things up. Getting Bs for them is like being second, the first loser. I gotta focus on Physics and Econs, and most importantly, GP. I don't wanna be retained. Watching your friends move up and looking at yourself staying at the same level is definitely not a good thing. Getting looked down by teachers and even your juniors, who will be your level-mates is even more horrifying. I gotta step it up now. It's make or break, and I gotta do this.
I can heave a sigh of relief though. It feels good knowing that you have faithfully done all of your tutorials, even though you've been dozing off during lectures. Tutorials are more important. At least they made me understand the concepts taught during the school year. It'll not be that hard recalling all of them back, but it's hard to overcome my laziness. There are things that I wish I can undo, and turn it all around again. To squeeze more time for some other undone things. But it's too late now. The choices made to play and laze around are the ones that I've made for myself. I'm just hoping that I can continue to stick to my study plan and focus more on my weaker subjects.
I'm planning to skip school, just to spare myself more time to mug. I might do that in Week 2, when all the (useless?) revision lectures come in. I really need more time, but the study break that the school's giving us is way too little. Well, at least I'll only need one more week to cover all my content before starting on exam papers, but still... If only I had more time. If only I had a dose of reality earlier. If only.
School's opening tomorrow. And all the distractions are going to come back at me. I don't know whether I'll be distracted during lectures, especially during Chemistry. I don't know whether I'll just continue sleeping during GP Tutorials because of the thought that they will continue to be entirely useless to me.
It's quite scary, knowing that in 2 weeks time, I'll unofficially become a J2, a senior in the school. It's scarier to start the countdown to 'A's once that happens. It's going to be way worse than promos, but I can't even keep up to the pace of promos. Oral Presentation for PW. What if I mess it up? I'm not very good at public speaking/ making speeches. I just hope that I'll have something to channel all of my focus on, just like how I do it every single time in choir. I really want that A. It'll be a confidence booster, for all of the hard work that I've put in.
The year's really ending quickly. I can still vividly remember coming back to Singapore from HK at the start of this year, going to Taiwan after getting my results and entering NYJC for the very first time as a student. I remember my Chanan 7 kids, the awkward moments with 1320 during orientation and choosing another CCA path by entering ODAC. How I became President and have been blessed with the opportunity to participate in the annual LTC and meet amazing people there.
Of course, there were mistakes made and lessons learnt. There were times that I should've raised my opinion and spoken up, so that things wouldn't turn out to be the way they are now. I feel really stupid recalling all the excuses I've made up for not doing so then. It's only been a while, and they've become so insignificant already. There were times when I felt bad over things and did not have the courage to change them.
I shouldn't be so judgemental at times. Maybe I'm the root cause of a particular social divide. I should've just kept my comments to myself. I feel really bad for starting it and causing some damage to everything in one way or another. They say it's not my fault to begin with, but I shouldn't have added fuel to the fire, to make things worse. First impressions. They're just first impressions. I'm really glad that most of them changed, especially for those who are in 1320. I used to think that we will never be bonded and stuff, because everyone seemed so selfish and self-centered then, but I'm glad that I'm proven wrong.
I'm a true believer in karma. What goes around definitely comes back around, in one way or another. But no matter how it comes, you'll find yourself stuck in the very spot of how you treated others then. It'll be a painful lesson to learn.
There are also apologies that I should make, but I haven't mustered enough courage and swallowed enough pride to say them. Maybe some day I will, but I hope that day is coming up fast. I don't want to have regrets when my birthday comes.. I wanna be 17 with a clear conscience, and not stuck with 16 for all the wrong reasons.
There's only 14 days left to the first paper. I gotta make full use of the time left.
When your mind starts blowing.
