you didn't need them.
I'm really sorry for not posting these days. It's been an eventful June holiday. From the Korea trip to all the hangouts and catch-up sessions I have with my friends, this June has certainly been one of the best holidays I've ever had. It made me open my eyes and my heart. It allowed me to see the world in a clearer perspective. It led me to find my inner peace again.
It's been really a tough Term 2 despite having all the fun with the people who surround me all the time. Is it really necessary to work this hard just to get a piece of paper that will determine the next chapter of my life? Is it really worth fighting for? I am beginning to feel my soul siphoned out by the hells of academics. I have been reflecting recently, and I have certainly opened my eyes to see. Has the rapid pace of life destroyed my humanity? There have been things I'd wish to do, but I couldn't oblige to it simply because of the commitments I have. Academics, I'm starting to feel a little uncomfortable typing this word, or any other relevant synonym out. Yes, there have been many disappointments during the past few months. Things I wish that I could have done better, but I chose not to.
But of course, there'll always be lessons learnt after every journey I've made. I know that this topic keeps coming out in most of my posts, but friends form an important aspect of my life. No matter what happens, or where we go, friends are the ones who will experience your life journey with you, or at least part of it. I find it saddening to see people come and go, or even abusing your kindness just for their own good. True friends, that doesn't apply to everyone. I've learnt it the hard way. I guess life has taken its toll on many people's humanity. It teaches us to be pragmatic for our survival. Too pragmatic. Fame really sucks the soul out of people. You may be a friend to a person, but when the spotlight shines on him, he just disappears and pretends that you're a nobody so that he can blend in with other people who have seemingly high profiles. I don't know why, but I'm really facing all these insecurities everytime something catches my attention. I don't really think they'll last, but i guess that's really the part and parcel of life. They just move on, and so should you. You know truly well who are you, and where you stand to someone else when you're not invited in the clique. And everytime they host an outing, you'll just be constantly reminded of the fact that you're not part of the group and you're just being a distraction/obstacle for them to interact more. Maybe it's my character and not being able to blend with one another, but gosh, I really hate exclusive cliques. And it's getting pretty obvious now. All these outings, I see no point in attending them when I'll just be in a bad mood, be a wet blanket and ruin everyone else's day. Maybe everything that have been foreseen earlier has been coming through. Even the mountains will shake when there's an earthquake. Nothing ever lasts, and nothing gold can stay.
Nowadays, I've been scrutinising every single life decision that I've made. It's the same old Nanyang or every other junior college that I could have gone to, or whether my life would be affected greatly if I had taken another subject combination. What if i had stayed on the safe path which I have been convincing myself to do in the past? Don't get me wrong, the leaps of faith that I have been taking were truly enriching and enjoyable to me. Looking back now, I wouldn't have made almost all of the decisions I've made if I had chosen to stay at the safe side from the start. But what would happen if I chose to stay on it? I can't really imagine what friends, or even what character I'll have, but there is still a probability that it may be worse or better than the life I'm living right now. I really think that there have been lots of mistakes made, especially this year. I don't know why but I always have this tendency to shut people out of my life when I feel that they are starting to understand me a little more than an average person would. Maybe it's because of the fear of letting history repeat itself again, or just the expectations that I'll cling onto when somebody new earns that title.
Have you guys ever wanted to wake up with amnesia, and have the chance to start anew? Sometimes, I would have that feeling, especially during the period of recovering from a bad event that occurred. The rash and impulsive decisions that I've made. Or perhaps during the period of forgiving and forgetting. But that's just a huge pile of bullshit. I don't believe in saints who will truly forgive others, because it's simply human instinct to remember the sins that others have committed in the past. Even though some may say that history makes you stronger, I feel that it makes us harden to pain. It makes us adapt to our environment, and hopefully become more immune to the futuristic tragedies that may happen by taking measures to prevent it. I wish that I can start anew, and experience the other side of my life once i have made that choice. And even if it means that everything in my mind will be cleared and I'll have a vacuum in my head for a period of time, I know that I'll be living life to the fullest. Yes, there'll be let-downs, but then there'll also be another chance to experience everything with an open mind and not making any form.of unbiased decisions. I'll be able to react to another similar situation more again. Besides, if I were truly me, I may live back the same life that I am living now, and hopefully doing so without the regrets that I have in the past. I think that it's good to forget about things sometimes, because there's simply no point in remembering things that make you unhappy just to serve as your own reminder. I guess maybe if I could go back in time, I would have retracted some of the words that I've said and perhaps treasure the people around me more. But of course, if I had amnesia, I wouldn't be so aware of what's going on around me and knowing how to react to situations.
Anyway, moving back to the normal style of blogging, I'm really sorry for not blogging like how I used to, by listing down all of the flow of events that occur in my daily life. It's because I've been treating this little haven of mine as a dumping site for my emotions and thoughts. Perhaps it'll be an outlet for me to channel my negativity away for a while, but also because this blog is no longer private, I don't really feel comfortable being so specific about certain parts of my life. Maybe this is because of my own desire to keep a little (or the bulk) of my privacy intact.
Moving on, I'm literally halfway through my Midyears and things haven't been going well for me. I think that I could have done better if I have placed more heart into doing the things that I'm supposed to do. But hey, I guess it's still not too late to begin now eh? It's just a hundred over days before I leave this institution and move on to perhaps one of the most tiring aspects of my life, and I'll try my best to make full use of it. Yes, to be honest, no matter how much I complain about the school, I really love it here. Reflecting back again, I think that i would have regretted making some of the decisions that i was really inclined into making in the past, but this school really reminds me of why I should be living. And living my life well to the fullest.
And the memories I never can escape.
