Ghost.

I keep going to the river to pray.
'Cause I need something that can wash out the pain.

This has got to be one of the best songs of the year. I still remember watching her competing for the X Factor the year before but time really flies eh? What makes me drawn into this song is its chorus and its arrangement. Ella really manages to strive the perfect balance between her gloomy lyrics and the uplifting musical arrangement.

Anyway, I think that all of us have our own ghosts, ranging from all the small trivial things to the big ones which we may be oblivious to. Well, I have them too, and blogged much about them in the past. I talked about moving on, and then struggling, and then moving on again. Is it me, or is that the funny part of life? Because it really seems like we are born only to meet obstacles, and then learn how to overcome them or risk losing our lives to compensate our failures. I've certainly faced many obstacles in my life, even if it may seem insignificant to many of you, but hey, I've managed to overcome most of them. Looking back now and reading my old posts, it's starting to dawn to me about how young, foolish and stupid I was. There were really times when the solution was literally straight up on my face,  but perhaps my awareness to my surroundings really sucked then.

Moving on, I'm really afraid of reverting back to one of my ghosts from the past. It's like I've been trying so hard to cope up with all of the stress and work that everyone has been piling up on me. I've made my study plan for the next 40 days and it is starting to become nerve-wrecking because there is just so much I can do within a hundred days left. Furthermore, I think that I'm like really starting to lose my control over my emotions. Yeah, you could say that I had anger-management issues in the past. But I just don't wanna be that guy anymore. I really want to get a stronger grip of what I'm feeling, because I know things will go even worse when everything explodes. Sigh. There have been so many issues that have been in my mind these days. There are the numbered days to study, and of course the personal issues. Well, if you read the past few posts that I posted recently, perhaps you'll get a clearer picture. I'm really starting to accept how things are going on in the present now. Like I have really lost my motivation to fight for a better result (other than my academics), because I've honestly lost so much faith on others. Like seriously. I guess one of the greatest takeaways in my life so far is that I'll never fit in perfectly with any cliques and groups. Like no matter how much I try to fit in, the more excluded I feel. I guess all those second guessing and watching what my mouth is speaking is really getting too much attention from myself. So yeah, I'm currently adopting a stand where if I feel really excluded with the people I hang out with, I'll just don't go. Like if there is a clique and some other guy and me, I'll just decline the invitation and do something less interesting but less depressing too.

Well, I've been adopting that approach for a while, except for a few several occasions, and I guess it is working for me. There is honestly lesser things to care, and less people taking you for granted. I'm really sorry for being extremely self-centred now but I guess this may be the secret on how to live your life well. Just don't give any fuck on anything that doesn't reply you with two fucks. So yeah, I've been really reflecting especially since the many events that have occurred since school resumed a week ago. I've learnt to be independent, and that it's better to be selfish sometimes, or most of the time. I guess making myself happy is truly the most important thing to do. I think that I should move on from clearing any persistent negativity from my life, and really think more about myself and the people that truly cares for me.

I guess at the end of the day, you were right all along. The friends that you get to keep are the ones that you've made in your secondary school days. You reminded me of the ingenuity and how exclusive people can be in JCs, even at yours. And that those friends were not to keep. I may have disagreed with you then, but I'm really starting to see the light of what you said now. Most of them merely treat you as accessories. Reminders of what to do or something to vent your frustration on for no reason. The list just goes on and on and on. Of course, there'll always be exceptions, like my dark horse Novus and my cute little dolphins as a whole, but I really hope for improvements. This feels like wishful thinking,  waiting for something to change when you're just sitting there and watching it to change. But I just can't really commit myself to take the step upfront and change it. I just can't, after all that has happened.

Anyway, I guess ultimately, I'll just have to do something that makes myself happy, and one way to do it is to remove and avoid all sorts of negativity. And then wash, rinse and repeat. It's already the last lap, and I've got to disconnect some attached feelings over some people because I've simply given to much with my patience. I have to look for my flaws and improve them, and also avoid pushing myself past the breaking point unnecessarily.

That should be it then. Relieving my thoughts and opinions that have been bottled in my heart and mind for far too long. It feels like taking that huge load of burden off your chest and wanting to live your life well again, but with a game plan this time.

And at most, I'm sleeping all these demons away.
But your ghost,
the ghost of you,
it keeps me awake.