"The last 30 days have taught me so much. And all I wanted when we first came here was to know that we would leave together. But from the minute I sat down, I could feel it. I felt like I was gonna be suffocated. The last several weeks, I have laughed more, I have done more, I have enjoyed myself more than.... And I finally feel free. And by being free, I can see now that constantly trying to fix us is the thing that's been killing me slowly. And I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to fix it or fix us anymore. Maybe instead of loving you so hard, I should... I should be myself for a while. I should love me, and you should love you, and together we love Sofia, rather than — I want so much for you, Arizona. For both of us. So much more than this. More than being stuck with someone who feels stuck. I want you to feel free, too."
I used to think that facing challenges head-on was the right answer to everything. Do whatever you can, and walk away with your head held high no matter what the outcome is. I thought that giving it your all would make you content, because at least you did everything you could to resolve the problem. And even if you failed, you can look back and come to a conclusion that you did everything you could, and would do the same thing again given the circumstances. Sometimes, I honestly think that we're over-complicating things a little. Sometimes, it's because you try and try, and try, that people take you for granted. Or maybe, they'll just shove you aside and make your opinions fall on deaf ears. What if there has been always another answer to the problem that we've been facing. Maybe doing nothing at all and leaving is the answer - less is more. There's no point in trying to voice what you think when you're never gonna be heard. You're one voice in a million and even though people can't take that voice away from you, there's got to be a limit on how much you can do. You can't force a horse to drink, even after you've brought him to a river.
I've honestly tried my best to reach my expectations and make the best that I probably could. Looking back now, I would have made minor tweaks here and there, but I would have absolutely done the same thing over and over again. And looking back now, I have tried and I have failed. Probably it's because the exceedingly high expectations that I had entering it and realizing that they can never be reached. And I'll never be contented if I continue to reflect on it. So maybe I should stop trying so hard. Maybe, it's better to forget some things and remember that some things are better left unsaid. And maybe, I should just leave and try to forget about it. I honestly think that if I stayed, I wouldn't be happy because I would continue to dwell on how I fell short of these expectations and there's probably nothing I can possibly do to change it. So I decided to leave. I decided to face the short moment of sadness in farewell and pay greater attention to myself. It might be better to love myself even more and do the things that I would want to do more happily, instead of being stuck in the past and reflecting a million times. I should stop fixing things to prevent myself from breaking apart in the end. Don't get me wrong, the journey has been incredible. But now, it's time to give myself a little bit more respect and attention and give up on things that I've been relentlessly pursuing.
I thought that I would end the suffocation when I made that decision that day. I thought that everything would come to a halt and start crashing down on my knees. But the last several days, I have laughed more. I have done more. I have enjoyed myself more than any time I can possibly remember. I finally feel free. And by being free, I know that I've made the right decision to run away from the challenge I've been facing instead.
But once it's gone, it's gone forever.
And there's no coming back from that.
