I don't even know if I believe everything you're trying to say to me.
Maybe what she said was true. There'll be times when you'll meet extraordinary people. People that will take your breath away or even change your life completely, even if it's just for a little while. But the catch is, no matter how great the moments you spent with that person were, they are meant to come and go. They are meant to exist in your life solely because they're there for a reason. Maybe it's to teach you something, or give you experiences that you'd wished you had in the past. Maybe they're a gift from your fairy god-mothers or fathers. But just like the classic Disney fairy tale, the spell will end at midnight, and all of the magical effects will cease to exist.
I don't want all of it to end one day. I want this experience to last forever. Heck, I want this friendship to last forever. But history is drawing me back every single time. I've seen too many people come and go and have my faith restored and shattered at the end of the day again, and again. I know that it's really selfish of me to think that way, and I shouldn't even be a reason for you to stay. I know that your future will be pretty much secured once you get through everything that needs to be done. You'll be happy, and I really hope you do. I want you to be happy, and maybe that's what I should be ultimately asking for. Sometimes it's good to exclude myself from the main picture, because it's your life and it's your decision. As much as I find solace in your hesitation to leave, you should go. Because I believe that that'll make your life better and it'll make you happy. As much as I find it hard to bid farewell in the future, you should go considering your best interests at heart.
It's really weird sometimes, because your hopes and dreams can be completely different from what the other party thinks. And you have completely zero control of what is going to happen next. It's never and perhaps it'll never be your turn to lay your cards, because you have no say. I feel really selfish thinking this way, because I'll be only considering myself all the time. There'll be grief, there'll be sorrow and there'll be sadness. I don't want to deal with all of this again. But it seems really imminent right now. I really hate goodbyes, and you're making it so much harder every single time. Maybe then, I'll say things that I should have said a long time ago. All the thoughts and the unsaid things that I should've voiced out when we talked. It's getting harder and harder for me to filter all of them whenever we met, because the voices in my head are getting louder as time passes. Maybe in the future, I'll restore my faith in friendships like how you did for me. But no matter what, all I can do now is believe eh? Believe that you'll make the right decision for yourself, and not because of the people around you.
I've been hit with a rough patch recently. I've been having too much confidence these days, and I've been thinking that I'll get into the courses that I've always aspired to be in. But I guess I was proven wrong again and again. The chances don't look really encouraging right now, knowing that I've pretty much screwed up the interview. I know that my results are decent, but they won't really take me as far as what I had hoped initially. Complacency is a bitch, really. But now everything's said and done already, and all I can do right now is to have hope.
Believe. Can I do it again? I've been through too many bad experiences with the people/things around me that made me lose hope in believing. Maybe that's the reason why I've become so pessimistic these days. There's nothing much to be optimistic about anyway. I've learnt that faith brings you nowhere but disappointment, because nothing can feel worse than knowing that you've put your faith in the wrong places when the result is already imminent. I'm currently at a loss right now. What should I do from this point onward? Should I continue and make the necessary preparations for the worse to come, or treasure all the remaining pockets of time that I'm left with this particular friend of mine? The former will make it easier to say goodbye with lesser memories made, while the latter will make it that much harder to say goodbye. Fuck. I can't believe I'm in this position again. I had to make this decision three years ago, and I regret it up till this day. But the circumstances are different today. There have been attempts to make this friendship work. There have been attempts to maintain everything that we have right now. And that makes everything so much more complicated.
This is never gonna go our way.
