Haven't you heard what becomes of curious minds?
I thought that life was never worse, and never better. I was wrong. Maybe she was right. Some things are just not meant to be, no matter how much you try. Some people will only be there in your life temporarily, to teach you a lesson or two before disappearing into the past. I'm not talking about goodbyes, but the mere act of forgetting and losing.
I can't believe that I'm currently questioning my plight in this right now. I should be content with the results that I have, but I'm not. Maybe it's because I'm capable of so much more. Or maybe it's because I'm just drunk of jealousy. I should be feeling happy, but my heart dies a little inside whenever I think of my own results. I've always thought that I knew the path that I would want to take. But guess what? I was wrong. There are many things that have been cropping up recently, and this feeling really sucks because I can't think of anything to find a resolution. Should I try my very best to tolerate another 4 years of schooling and choose the career path that I've been aspiring to take all along? Or should I just take a safe route, and take a second major if I'm fated to do so?
Sigh. If only there were more flexibility given to the career paths in universities..
This week is going to be a closure for many things. I can't believe that 9 weeks have just passed by so quickly. I used to be a stranger to my students. I used to be just an observer of lessons. But now, they're worth so much more to me. I teach them math, but they taught me values that I've never placed much emphasis on. I'll really miss these kids a lot, even though the time spent with them has been relatively short.
Sigh. I thought that all of the worrying and anxiety will end after I get my results. But I was wrong. Life moves on, even when you don't want it to. I'm naturally anxious about army life, and all of the things that I'll be doing then. But I'm thinking of all the intangible things right now. Like what can I do with my abilities right now? What road should I take, and what road led me her in the first place? I thought I've figured out what I want to do in the long break. But what I've planned is ending this week. I don't know whether should I say another round of farewell to the person whom I've been extremely close with these days. There are some days when I feel like I'm utterly useless, because I don't even know what I'm thinking about, or what I'm doing. I've been acting really weird these days. Doing things that I swore I'll never do to all the thoughts that have been swarming into my mind. I don't know whether I'm over-thinking things again this time. I'm thinking of making another closure, but I'm not entirely certain whether this is the right choice to make. Because the last time I've made this decision, I regret it up till this day. The suspicion has been raised, but I am still unsure of my thoughts and feelings to even address it. Maybe I should call it a day and just end everything. I honestly don't know. Maybe this is what jealousy feels like. Maybe I'm just not cut out to be the type of person who can feel happy for other people because I'll just keep comparing myself to them and feel inferior at the same time.
There are some days that I wish I know you. And there are some days I wish I didn't. I've gotten used to goodbyes, but I don't want to experience one again with a close friend of mine. Maybe I should start creating the distance between me and others again. So that when the time comes, it'll be much easier for me to bid farewell. I'm starting to prepare myself for that moment to come. And as much as I hate it, you should go if you're given the chance to. If you happen to come across this post, just know that I would want you to go, no matter how unwilling I am to let you go. I don't want my emotions or use this connection as a reason for you to stay, because it's too big a decision to make.
Maybe some day, if you decide to go, we'll stumble upon one another somewhere and go back to where we came from, and revert to how things were like then.
But this is just a speculation. It may not even come true in the first place.
Didn't you call my fears with the Cheshire cat's smile?
There are some days that I wish I know you. And there are some days I wish I didn't. I've gotten used to goodbyes, but I don't want to experience one again with a close friend of mine. Maybe I should start creating the distance between me and others again. So that when the time comes, it'll be much easier for me to bid farewell. I'm starting to prepare myself for that moment to come. And as much as I hate it, you should go if you're given the chance to. If you happen to come across this post, just know that I would want you to go, no matter how unwilling I am to let you go. I don't want my emotions or use this connection as a reason for you to stay, because it's too big a decision to make.
Maybe some day, if you decide to go, we'll stumble upon one another somewhere and go back to where we came from, and revert to how things were like then.
But this is just a speculation. It may not even come true in the first place.
Didn't you call my fears with the Cheshire cat's smile?
