I can't shake this feeling now.
It’s funny how someone you have known for just a few months can change so many aspects of your life, while the same cannot be said for some whom you have already known for years. These few weeks, I've been keeping myself really busy with the internship and my exercise schedule, but I've also been having loads of fun. These few weeks, I've been really happy. Yes, I've toned down my social life a little bit because I didn't really want to be constantly troubled with the little upsets that a social life may bring, but I've been really happy. I guess I've been having more fun than all of the other holidays that I have had in my entire life.
It’s funny how someone you have known for just a few months can change so many aspects of your life, while the same cannot be said for some whom you have already known for years. These few weeks, I've been keeping myself really busy with the internship and my exercise schedule, but I've also been having loads of fun. These few weeks, I've been really happy. Yes, I've toned down my social life a little bit because I didn't really want to be constantly troubled with the little upsets that a social life may bring, but I've been really happy. I guess I've been having more fun than all of the other holidays that I have had in my entire life.
Just yesterday, I experienced Singapore’s nightlife for the
first time, twice in a single day. I’m really thankful for the friends who
broadened my perspectives on life. And I’m appreciative of friends who will
find time to experience the wonders of life together with you. I think that I’m
starting to understand why some of my friends enjoy going out all night. The
night view and night attractions are simply breath-taking. It feels like some
sort of enlightenment, because I've never experienced the same gush of euphoria
and wildness before. Seeing all the pretty lights that shined so bright, but
they never seem to blind me while I danced.
Moving on, I'm starting to understand why some people turn to alcohol when they are feeling down and weary. Maybe I'm still fortunate because there's no need for me to do so, but the substance really makes you high. It offers you a chance to escape reality and forget all of your troubles, even if it's just for a little while. I had my first few virgin shots during the last few weeks and it really feels different when you're under the influence of alcohol. Maybe I felt happier. Maybe I really felt more carefree. But I'm afraid of leaking out things that I shouldn't have. Some things are better left unsaid, and I'm really worried that my filter starts to malfunction when I'm intoxicated.
It's been a while since I've last posted, and many things have happened. There's only 2 months left before my enlistment date. And there are so many things that I still wanna experience before going into confinement and feel the boundaries drawing closer towards me. There are still a lot of things in my post-As list that I've yet to fulfill. There are many new year revelations that are still incomplete. And there are just so many friends that I wanna have a cup of coffee with before the due date arrives. If only I had more time to fulfill all these little things. They may be tall orders, but I'll try my absolute best to catch up with what I'm supposed to do this year.
2014 passed by in the blink of an eye because of all the examination preparations and insufficient time to do everything. It just feels so surreal because I'm going to collect my results in a few hours time. Even though I've been through this process at least twice by now, I still feel the butterflies in my stomach and the surge of anxiety whenever I think of it. Honestly speaking, I don't think I'll be receiving good news of any sort when I arrive at my ex-school later. Don't get me wrong, I've enjoyed my stay there. But there are just too many things that I've fucked up during the 'A' level period. I could've done more, and could've reacted better to my condition then. But I did otherwise. Can I say that I've prepared enough for the examinations? I guess so. But the execution went horribly wrong. Maybe it's the anxiety and nervousness that are getting into my head during the crucial period. Sigh, it's really too late saying all this right now. I can only hope for good results and that's the only thing that I can do right now. Many people have been talking about how many distinctions that they are hoping to achieve and I just feel a little upset on the inside whenever I hear them. Don't get me wrong, I feel happy for them because they must have felt really confident of their answers, but the topic just keeps reminding me of the distinctions that I'll never get due to the mistakes that I've made.
My results. I have little confidence that they'll even be on par with my prelim results. And I think that I won't ever get the opportunity to receive the cheque/reward for good academic results from Mr Kwek. I feel like I'm a disappointment. Not only to myself but also to the people around me. I know that there are people who really thought that I'll be able to pass the examinations with flying colors. I'm really sorry if you're one of them, because I have absolutely no faith in being able to survive through the entire mess that I've created.
I can now imagine myself being filled with disappointment and upset later. It seems really ironic saying this, but sometimes, I think that I deserve it. Sometimes I really wonder whether I'm a disappointment in life because I've made countless wrong decisions since I was born. Maybe they weren't exactly wrong, but there were definitely better alternatives when I look back now. I'm starting to feel the pieces of me crumble into dust. Honestly speaking, I do not know where to go from here. When I receive my less-than-average results, where can I go? I may not be even worthy enough to further my studies and become forced into entering the working world. Yes, it's just an examination and it doesn't necessarily represent the end of the world, but it may represent the end of my world. Where can I go from here? Do I just settle for a low-paying job and hope that I'll be content with life? Do I choose to give up my aspirations and settle for something safe? Or do I retake my 'A' levels with the chance of flunking it again? If I don't go up the stage later, my world may just start to disintegrate. Because it'll just be a start of telling me what a disappointment that I have been. Nothing worthy more than a piece of shit. At least shit clears the undigested food in your body. But what can I do? Absolutely nothing. I can't even clear an examination properly. Maybe it's time to take a bitter mouthful of reality and realize how shitty I've been, instead of pinning my hopes so far and realizing none of them at the end of the day.
Honestly, I feel like having a drink right now. I know that alcohol isn't a permanent solution. But at least it takes the pain away. If I do badly, who will still be there right by my side to support me? Who will still be there to lend me a shoulder to cry on? I honestly don't know. Sometimes I feel that I've been giving away too many pieces of me that I've become an insignificant person to the people around me. Sometimes, I feel extremely lonely on the inside, because it's really difficult to tell someone what I really feel about things. Perhaps it's because of the barriers that I've put in place to prevent myself from being too emotionally attached to friendships and relationships. And they prevent me from some things that I really wanna say, because I'm constantly afraid that I'll say the wrong things and affect the friendship. Honestly, I used to live a life of keeping everything to myself. I still do during certain occasions, but it's really a torture bottling all your emotions up because you're afraid of losing things that you cherish.
Maybe I've been too picky in the past, and let my expectations defined what a 'perfect' friend would be. Maybe I've neglected/have been oblivious to the little things around me that I should've noticed instead of being too carried away with bigger dreams of mine. And now, I'm stuck on this lonely road with nowhere to go.
I messed up this time.
Moving on, I'm starting to understand why some people turn to alcohol when they are feeling down and weary. Maybe I'm still fortunate because there's no need for me to do so, but the substance really makes you high. It offers you a chance to escape reality and forget all of your troubles, even if it's just for a little while. I had my first few virgin shots during the last few weeks and it really feels different when you're under the influence of alcohol. Maybe I felt happier. Maybe I really felt more carefree. But I'm afraid of leaking out things that I shouldn't have. Some things are better left unsaid, and I'm really worried that my filter starts to malfunction when I'm intoxicated.
It's been a while since I've last posted, and many things have happened. There's only 2 months left before my enlistment date. And there are so many things that I still wanna experience before going into confinement and feel the boundaries drawing closer towards me. There are still a lot of things in my post-As list that I've yet to fulfill. There are many new year revelations that are still incomplete. And there are just so many friends that I wanna have a cup of coffee with before the due date arrives. If only I had more time to fulfill all these little things. They may be tall orders, but I'll try my absolute best to catch up with what I'm supposed to do this year.
2014 passed by in the blink of an eye because of all the examination preparations and insufficient time to do everything. It just feels so surreal because I'm going to collect my results in a few hours time. Even though I've been through this process at least twice by now, I still feel the butterflies in my stomach and the surge of anxiety whenever I think of it. Honestly speaking, I don't think I'll be receiving good news of any sort when I arrive at my ex-school later. Don't get me wrong, I've enjoyed my stay there. But there are just too many things that I've fucked up during the 'A' level period. I could've done more, and could've reacted better to my condition then. But I did otherwise. Can I say that I've prepared enough for the examinations? I guess so. But the execution went horribly wrong. Maybe it's the anxiety and nervousness that are getting into my head during the crucial period. Sigh, it's really too late saying all this right now. I can only hope for good results and that's the only thing that I can do right now. Many people have been talking about how many distinctions that they are hoping to achieve and I just feel a little upset on the inside whenever I hear them. Don't get me wrong, I feel happy for them because they must have felt really confident of their answers, but the topic just keeps reminding me of the distinctions that I'll never get due to the mistakes that I've made.
My results. I have little confidence that they'll even be on par with my prelim results. And I think that I won't ever get the opportunity to receive the cheque/reward for good academic results from Mr Kwek. I feel like I'm a disappointment. Not only to myself but also to the people around me. I know that there are people who really thought that I'll be able to pass the examinations with flying colors. I'm really sorry if you're one of them, because I have absolutely no faith in being able to survive through the entire mess that I've created.
I can now imagine myself being filled with disappointment and upset later. It seems really ironic saying this, but sometimes, I think that I deserve it. Sometimes I really wonder whether I'm a disappointment in life because I've made countless wrong decisions since I was born. Maybe they weren't exactly wrong, but there were definitely better alternatives when I look back now. I'm starting to feel the pieces of me crumble into dust. Honestly speaking, I do not know where to go from here. When I receive my less-than-average results, where can I go? I may not be even worthy enough to further my studies and become forced into entering the working world. Yes, it's just an examination and it doesn't necessarily represent the end of the world, but it may represent the end of my world. Where can I go from here? Do I just settle for a low-paying job and hope that I'll be content with life? Do I choose to give up my aspirations and settle for something safe? Or do I retake my 'A' levels with the chance of flunking it again? If I don't go up the stage later, my world may just start to disintegrate. Because it'll just be a start of telling me what a disappointment that I have been. Nothing worthy more than a piece of shit. At least shit clears the undigested food in your body. But what can I do? Absolutely nothing. I can't even clear an examination properly. Maybe it's time to take a bitter mouthful of reality and realize how shitty I've been, instead of pinning my hopes so far and realizing none of them at the end of the day.
Honestly, I feel like having a drink right now. I know that alcohol isn't a permanent solution. But at least it takes the pain away. If I do badly, who will still be there right by my side to support me? Who will still be there to lend me a shoulder to cry on? I honestly don't know. Sometimes I feel that I've been giving away too many pieces of me that I've become an insignificant person to the people around me. Sometimes, I feel extremely lonely on the inside, because it's really difficult to tell someone what I really feel about things. Perhaps it's because of the barriers that I've put in place to prevent myself from being too emotionally attached to friendships and relationships. And they prevent me from some things that I really wanna say, because I'm constantly afraid that I'll say the wrong things and affect the friendship. Honestly, I used to live a life of keeping everything to myself. I still do during certain occasions, but it's really a torture bottling all your emotions up because you're afraid of losing things that you cherish.
Maybe I've been too picky in the past, and let my expectations defined what a 'perfect' friend would be. Maybe I've neglected/have been oblivious to the little things around me that I should've noticed instead of being too carried away with bigger dreams of mine. And now, I'm stuck on this lonely road with nowhere to go.
I messed up this time.
