“It's much easier to not know things sometimes. Things change and friends leave. And life doesn't stop for anybody. I wanted to laugh. Or maybe get mad. Or maybe shrug at how strange everybody was, especially me. I think the idea is that every person has to live for his or her own life and than make the choice to share it with other people. You can't just sit their and put everybody's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can't. You have to do things. I'm going to do what I want to do. I'm going to be who I really am. And I'm going to figure out what that is. And we could all sit around and wonder and feel bad about each other and blame a lot of people for what they did or didn't do or what they didn't know. I don't know. I guess there could always be someone to blame. It's just different. Maybe it's good to put things in perspective, but sometimes, I think that the only perspective is to really be there. Because it's okay to feel things. I was really there. And that was enough to make me feel infinite. I feel infinite.” ― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
Maybe I should step back. It's much easier not knowing stuff that you aren't supposed to know. Secrets, rumors and all the bullshit that shrouds our life. Because once you know them, you'll be curious and have this tinge of urgency igniting within you to find out more. Even if you are surrounded by a pack of white lies, or even lies, at least you'll be happy. even if that means that you're delusional. There won't be any worrying involved, or thinking about what others may think of you. Perhaps that's the mistake I've committed throughout my entire secondary school life. I've been too involved with my surroundings and the drama that I've lost myself halfway. I'm just not me anymore. They say that change is the only constant, but I want a part of me that will never be taken away from me. I've made too many mistakes this year. Grave ones indeed. Ranging from doing an unforgivable act to caring so much for a friend and being met with disappointment in the end when you find out that he doesn't give a shit about you and feel embarrassed hanging out with me. I'm really exhausted from being nice, extending a helping hand to others. So all that I'm wanting for Christmas is just a fresh start. I know that I'll be having one soon as I'll begin the next chapter of my life upon receiving my results.. But I really hope that my personality will recover back to the way it was. I am really praying that I'll be more self-centered and start picking my friends correctly. To Clare, Adeline, Gracia, Hui Fang, Rowena, Joyce, Yi Jie, Ikhmah, Rebecca, Jue Ying, Xin Yi and Chang Jie, I am truly blessed to be friends with you all. We may have disagreements at times, but I know you care for me, as much as I care for you guys. I know I've made grave mistakes in the past, but you guys were there for me no matter what. All of you still hanged out with me, and treated me as a true friend. I'll never forget you guys (:
And now I'm praying that my mistakes didn't cost me too much. I hope that my results allow me to enter the JC of my desired choice. So that I'll be able to start anew and just be myself in the next two years of my education. I know I've let some friendships slip past this year, but honestly thinking about it, I wouldn't have made a single change to those events because they weren't my true friends. I no longer care about the quantity of friends, but the quality of them. As long as I have people supporting me all the way, and lending me a shoulder to lean on in case I stumble along the way, I'm content. I'm satisfied with friends that are happy to treat me as their good friend too, unlike others.. Oh, and I wish that I'm easily contented. Just like Clare. This is the point that I've always admired about her. It's not about expectations, about wanting people to give you things that you actually wish for, but about the little things that people remember and put their heart and soul in whatever that they're giving you.
Don't give promises you can't keep.
When I thought that you were my greatest friend,
I was hit hard in the head.
