So many questions,
but I'm talking to myself.
Say something. Sometimes I wish I had the courage to say something. To speak up, to let others know of my opinions. Maybe if I actually said something, things might have changed for the better. But now, it's too late to muster the courage that was needed, and everything still remains unsaid.
I honestly want myself to stop thinking so much. I think I tend to over-dramatize my thoughts a lot. Like seriously a lot. It sucks having a tsunami of possibilities flooding in my mind over every detail that occurs. Maybe it's this thinking that made me analyze every situation at the best of my ability, but it doesn't help in letting me restore my inner peace. I think I've overdone it again. I've chosen to not heed my junior's advice and just go for it. Maybe it's plain stupidity on my part, because I simply lost the words to say when the conversation struck. But at least one thing's for sure now, that feeling. That feeling wasn't what I thought to be. It's just a linger. Linger for the friendship to be restored again. But no matter how much I want it to be restored, things will never be the same again. Would it be the same to leave our state now, then to wait for it to fall apart in the end again? This entire drama, it was entirely my fault, and I take ownership for it. I don't think anything I say, or anything I do, can make me forgive myself for what I did. Sometimes when I think of you, guilt fills my heart. You were always the forgiving one, but I was shutting you down, and out, completely every time you tried to save things.
I got to do something with the barriers I build up between others and me. Maybe they have grown stronger over the years after what I've experienced. The fear of meeting new friends and ending up in disappointment. To be honest, I wasn't exactly transparent with those around me, especially the friends that I've made during the past 1.5 years. I was quite superficial to them, and they didn't deserve the treatment that I was offering them. You know, it really sucks hiding in the mental cave that I'm always in whenever I'm outside, because I don't really interact much with others. It sucks even more forcing that smile on my face when things aren't alright. I don't know how many times I've mentioned this here, but it has got to stop. I will be happier no matter what happens. I guess it's really time to open up my mind and myself to my friends. It's time to stop speaking in silence and being afraid of saying something wrong. I guess I should really start opening up to those around me, especially those who have been supportive of me all these while.
But before I take this leap of faith, I really want closure. It was something that I took for granted, and left it hanging by a thread instead. I really want to start this conversation and see where it goes from there. I doubt I'll be given a second chance for what I've done, but at least when I look back, I took a chance and gave it my best shot. It's time to put an end to this chapter of my life, especially since it has lasted for quite a while. It's time to really start afresh next term, and have the confidence of making friends back again.
So much to tell you,
and most of all goodbye.
But I know that you can't hear me anymore.
