Amnesia.

And the dreams you left,

you didn't need them.

I'm really sorry for not posting these days. It's been an eventful June holiday. From the Korea trip to all the hangouts and catch-up sessions I have with my friends, this June has certainly been one of the best holidays I've ever had. It made me open my eyes and my heart. It allowed me to see the world in a clearer perspective. It led me to find my inner peace again.

It's been really a tough Term 2 despite having all the fun with the people who surround me all the time. Is it really necessary to work this hard just to get a piece of paper that will determine the next chapter of my life? Is it really worth fighting for? I am beginning to feel my soul siphoned out by the hells of academics. I have been reflecting recently, and I have certainly opened my eyes to see. Has the rapid pace of life destroyed my humanity? There have been things I'd wish to do, but I couldn't oblige to it simply because of the commitments I have. Academics, I'm starting to feel a little uncomfortable typing this word, or any other relevant synonym out. Yes, there have been many disappointments during the past few months. Things I wish that I could have done better, but I chose not to.

But of course, there'll always be lessons learnt after every journey I've made. I know that this topic keeps coming out in most of my posts, but friends form an important aspect of my life. No matter what happens, or where we go, friends are the ones who will experience your life journey with you, or at least part of it. I find it saddening to see people come and go, or even abusing your kindness just for their own good. True friends, that doesn't apply to everyone. I've learnt it the hard way. I guess life has taken its toll on many people's humanity. It teaches us to be pragmatic for our survival. Too pragmatic. Fame really sucks the soul out of people. You may be a friend to a person, but when the spotlight shines on him, he just disappears and pretends that you're a nobody so that he can blend in with other people who have seemingly high profiles. I don't know why, but I'm really facing all these insecurities everytime something catches my attention. I don't really think they'll last, but i guess that's really the part and parcel of life. They just move on, and so should you. You know truly well who are you, and where you stand to someone else when you're not invited in the clique. And everytime they host an outing, you'll just be constantly reminded of the fact that you're not part of the group and you're just being a distraction/obstacle for them to interact more. Maybe it's my character and not being able to blend with one another, but gosh, I really hate exclusive cliques. And it's getting pretty obvious now. All these outings, I see no point in attending them when I'll just be in a bad mood, be a wet blanket and ruin everyone else's day. Maybe everything that have been foreseen earlier has been coming through. Even the mountains will shake when there's an earthquake. Nothing ever lasts, and nothing gold can stay.

Nowadays, I've been scrutinising every single life decision that I've made. It's the same old Nanyang or every other junior college that I could have gone to, or whether my life would be affected greatly if I had taken another subject combination. What if i had stayed on the safe path which I have been convincing myself to do in the past? Don't get me wrong, the leaps of faith that I have been taking were truly enriching and enjoyable to me. Looking back now, I wouldn't have made almost all of the decisions I've made if I had chosen to stay at the safe side from the start. But what would happen if I chose to stay on it? I can't really imagine what friends, or even what character I'll have, but there is still a probability that it may be worse or better than the life I'm living right now. I really think that there have been lots of mistakes made, especially this year. I don't know why but I always have this tendency to shut people out of my life when I feel that they are starting to understand me a little more than an average person would. Maybe it's because of the fear of letting history repeat itself again, or just the expectations that I'll cling onto when somebody new earns that title. 

Have you guys ever wanted to wake up with amnesia, and have the chance to start anew? Sometimes, I would have that feeling, especially during the period of recovering from a bad event that occurred. The rash and impulsive decisions that I've made. Or perhaps during the period of forgiving and forgetting. But that's just a huge pile of bullshit. I don't believe in saints who will truly forgive others, because it's simply human instinct to remember the sins that others have committed in the past. Even though some may say that history makes you stronger, I feel that it makes us harden to pain. It makes us adapt to our environment,  and hopefully become more immune to the futuristic tragedies that may happen by taking measures to prevent it. I wish that I can start anew, and experience the other side of my life once i have made that choice. And even if it means that everything in my mind will be cleared and I'll have a vacuum in my head for a period of time, I know that I'll be living life to the fullest. Yes, there'll be let-downs, but then there'll also be another chance to experience everything with an open mind and not making any form.of unbiased decisions. I'll be able to react to another similar situation more again. Besides, if I were truly me,  I may live back the same life that I am living now, and hopefully doing so without the regrets that I have in the past. I think that it's good to forget about things sometimes, because there's simply no point in remembering things that make you unhappy just to serve as your own reminder. I guess maybe if I could go back in time, I would have retracted some of the words that I've said and perhaps treasure the people around me more. But of course, if I had amnesia, I wouldn't be so aware of what's going on around me and knowing how to react to situations.

Anyway, moving back to the normal style of blogging, I'm really sorry for not blogging like how I used to, by listing down all of the flow of events that occur in my daily life. It's because I've been treating this little haven of mine as a dumping site for my emotions and thoughts. Perhaps it'll be an outlet for me to channel my negativity away for a while, but also because this blog is no longer private, I don't really feel comfortable being so specific about certain parts of my life. Maybe this is because of my own desire to keep a little (or the bulk) of my privacy intact.

Moving on, I'm literally halfway through my Midyears and things haven't been going well for me. I think that I could have done better if I have placed more heart into doing the things that I'm supposed to do. But hey, I guess it's still not too late to begin now eh? It's just a hundred over days before I leave this institution and move on to perhaps one of the most tiring aspects of my life, and I'll try my best to make full use of it. Yes, to be honest, no matter how much I complain about the school, I really love it here. Reflecting back again, I think that i would have regretted making some of the decisions that i was really inclined into making in the past,  but this school really reminds me of why I should be living. And living my life well to the fullest.

And the memories I never can escape.

My vision's 20/20 now.

Head or Heart.

How did it come to this?
I think about you all the time.
It's no excuse, but I wish that I never made you cry.
I'm not sorry that it's over,
but for the way we let it end.
I couldn't find the words to say.

I hate to think all you had of me,
is a memory I left you,
spaced between what was meant to be and the mess that it turned into.

And you should know, please believe me.
I pick the phone a thousand times and tried to dial your number.
But it's been so long,
it's never easy.
It's like trying to spin the world the other way.
But what can I say?

Maybe I'll just leave it as it is. Maybe things will remain just like the way it is now - happy, peaceful and quiet. Maybe it's really the little things in life that make up the big things you see. I can't wait for the brief moments of happiness to pass me by again, because it feels like time has stopped even when it's ticking.

It's better to leave it unsaid.

Play It Again.

The next friday night, we were sitting out under the stars.
You should've seen her smile, when I took out my guitar.

Memories. They say it's better for memories to remain, because your impression of people will never change. Remembering them for what they did in the past, and not for the the mistakes that they've done until now. I wish I could replay these moments, to play everything all over again. There will be foresight, and the bigger picture will remain etched in my mind. I miss my life. I really do. The days when I could do anything that I probably wanted to do-to hang out with my friends or even sleep for as long as I possibly could. The hell cycle is starting to get into my head. I'm getting sick and tired with all of the committments and responsibilities that are weighted down on my shoulders. We're already at the last lap of the race, and it's really discouraging to know that I haven't been realising my fullest potential, and getting marked down again and again, and again.

If I knew then, I would really treasure the efforts that many others have put in for me. It pains me whenever I think of the state we're in now. It really felt like yesterday when everything seemed awkward at the start and when everyone slowly got used to and comfortable with one another. I miss this family, and I really wish for it to be whole again. Maybe it's indirectly my fault for not attempting to iron things out, because I chose the path of running away, but it's really saddening to catch up with time. It's only been a few weeks that I've been gone, but everything has changed so drastically when I returned. Everything has changed, and I'm still not used to it. There seems to be a barrier now whenever I'm with them, especially during those moments when there were no words exchanged. It wasn't direct, but the silence and the expression on their faces spill everything out. I'm no longer part of that group anymore, and it's really time to move on.

Maybe what Clare said was right. I would be a fool to get into a relationship, or at least, for now. They say that people know themselves best, but the struggle between my head and my heart never ends. But the things that we talked about that day, will I ever be mature enough to handle such matters of the heart? I'm still spending my days throwing mini tantrums at people whenever things don't go my way and only thinking about myself most of the time. I tried to care about others more, but I usually put myself first before them. I don't think that I would be mature enough to care about someone who comes into my life. Relationships require committment, and that is probably one of my greatest flaws. This year is going to pass real quick, and there won't be enough time to make it last. I don't even know whether the feeling's mutual or not and even if it is, how different would it make? Both of us have committments, be it large or small. Even up till today, I don't believe that campus relationships will ever last. I've seen too many cases of Hello Heartache, and how they fell from cloud nine and grace. Maybe I should let nature take its course, and see what happens. Things may just be the way I want them to be in the end. I shouldn't force or rush it for things to appear miraculously, before history repeats itself again. Maybe I should just let it all go to the sands of time. If this feeling is real, it shouldn't be fading away soon.

Man. If only I could freeze time and have enough room and privacy to take a deep breath and capture the moments I have. It's really through these moments in life that defines who you are, and how you have been living. I wish that there was a rewind button, so that I can play every single memory again and smile to the choices that I've made in the past.

All that I need is this moment.

Here Comes Goodbye.

Here comes me wishing things had never changed.

I can't believe April just came and passed by so quickly. There was hardly any time to truly rest. Yes, there were times when I felt like totally slacking and not doing any work, but the guilt haunts me whenever I choose to do so. Anyway, April's gone. And that means that I'll be stepping down from my CCA really soon. I should be happy, with all the extra time that I'll have. But I'm not. I'm really going to miss the company in ODAC. The bonds that we fostered throughout the past year and the memories we made. I may not have been the best president, but I really hope that I've managed to do them proud throughout the past year. Honestly, I wouldn't have survived the trials and hardships without them. The encouragements and support that they have given me were really unexpected, since I was supposed to remain composed and do things the right way. But I appreciate them. I really do. I don't know why, but even though we only meet twice a week (or even lesser sometimes), some of them are close to my heart. It seems like the company really matters after all, no matter what journey we're going through. My first friend in NYJC, the weekly ODAC dinners, my 3 classmates and the one I've gotten to know more about since Novus. Things really changed a lot this year, especially the latter. I still remember knowing him as just an EXCO who was under me, and I didn't really bother trying to know more about him. But ODAC has been consistently a common topic for us in Novus. And truthfully, I think that he's really one of the few people that made me become a better president this year, as compared to last year.

Thinking about it now, I don't want things to end this quickly. It feels like Ad Meliora has just ended yesterday. Time really flies eh? It feels like hell going through PW and all my other work committments, but a sense of nostalgia rushes past me whenever I think about it now. The next few months are just going to pass even quickly, with all the stress building up. And that moment of goodbye will come again, with all my emotions stirring up.

I have never been a fan of goodbyes. For those who didn't know, I place connections and relationships at a much higher importance than many others. I feel that the friends around you really shape and define who you are. Friends make you happy, and they make you sad. But they are the ones who go through the same shit with you. And I don't want them to leave, forever and no matter for what reason. They make up a part of me. Sigh. But no matter how idealistic I may be, my mind never fails to tell me otherwise. All the events that were supposed to be erased were archived instead. All the arrogance I once had. All the important friendships that I've decided to let go. They were my regrets, and I'm really hoping that they will not come back to life once more.

Maybe that's the reason why I've been trying to be as low profile as possible last year. I was afraid to make friends. Afraid that I would just push them away without any reason or whatsoever. Afraid of disappointments. There weren't really friends whom I could really trust my deepest secrets with, even though it was supposed to be alright. I suppose I was still in the midst of recovery from the chaos and mayhem that occurred. But I'm thankful for the people around me, especially for those who knew that I really tried to make an effort to step out of my comfort zone to interact with strangers/acquaintances. I'm really grateful for being blessed with the opportunities to meet every single one of them.

So yeah, the countdown is still going on. The true battle begins just short of 200 days away, and I'm going to treasure every single moment that's left. Maybe I should take the next step to maintain the friendships which I have fostered over the past two years, instead of sitting around and waiting for it to be magically sustained. Perhaps that's the mistake that I've been making all along. But NYJC may be the right place, and now seems to be the right time to do it.

Sigh. I really hate preparing for goodbyes, or at least, official ones. It seems like we've all grown and have also grown apart from each other. Maybe I wouldn't be there in the first place, but that wouldn't change much of the harsh reality, wouldn't it?

I remember all those crazy things we did.

I'll Hold My Breath.

Waste days in foreign places.



Watching the clouds pass by isn't exactly the best hobby to have, but it makes me wonder. Wonder about what on earth am I doing with my life. It's fine having flaws and imperfections, but sometimes, it's better to work on them. But I don't know how to. I've been thinking about the resolutions that I've made every single year. To be happy. That keeps popping up every time - clearly an indication that I haven't been really happy for these past few years. It's really easy to fake a smile and brush off all my hatred and anger lightly, but no one ever knows how hard is it to make it seem so easy. I honestly expected myself to be better by now, but I don't know why I'm still getting sucked into this black hole of negative thoughts and depression. Maybe it's because of the little insecurities creeping back into my life again.

Sometimes I ponder, what if I did things differently then? What if I chose to join other CCAs over choir in secondary school? I might be a completely different person today. I don't know why, but even though choir has blessed me with 5 lifelong friends, I have a lack of male friends, since I was a Soprano all along. And then there came the great depression when my voice finally broke when my promise to my friends was fulfilled. I just couldn't sing anymore, and it honestly felt heart-wrenching hearing myself sing like that when I used to be so much better. If I joined something else, maybe I would have been really fitter, and have many more male friends. To be honest, I don't really know how to interact with males, even though I'm one. Today's heart-to-heart talk with Clare was really inspiring and a wake-up call for myself. I feel really blessed with a friend like her. It's been an awesome 5 years of friendship with her, from being arch enemies in Sec 1 despite going home together and becoming the best of friends today. I really miss all the bus/MRT rides we had, and the times when she really stood by my side and guided me when I had the darkest hour of my life.

Back to the topic, I'm really going to post something personal in here, as it has been ages since I've last posted about something specific and personal about myself. Like what I've said, I don't have any close male friends. I mean, if I'm needed to list down all my friends in terms of friendships, it wouldn't be surprising if the Top 10 are girls. I think I have big issues with socializing, especially when I'm thinking way too much. I have this huge problem of thinking that I'm annoying someone as I'll constantly flood my friends with personal messages if I'm really close with them. Maybe that's the reason why I tend to shy away after some time, when I conclude my thoughts with my fears.

Sometimes I wish that I could replay everything all over again. I used to take everything for granted, and it was too late for me when I figured out what I was missing out on after letting everything go. Thinking about it now, I don't even know what went through my mind when I decided to let go of certain friendships. Maybe those were the days when my mind was filled with so many little things, that I've forgotten about the big picture of my life. Too busy with scrutinizing the little details that I've completely destroyed the entire image which was originally pictured in my mind.

It feels like the first time in forever, since I've genuinely felt that way. Maybe it's because I was confused then, and I just couldn't let go of what was left behind in the past. And it seemed like forever, since I've last felt liberated in feeling this way again. Sometimes I call myself a fool, when there's going to be high probability that I'm going to face failure again. But I don't know, I seem to be clinging onto something that seems so hard to hold on to.

Tell me that we're still too young,
and I'll hold my tongue.