Am I taking this way too far?

It seems like I'm about to make the same mistake twice.

But I can't afford to pay the consequences that it brings once more.
I'm running out of second chances.

I honestly think that bad experiences truly shape a person's character. We do something wrong, engulf ourselves with as much negativity as we possibly can, reflect, change the way we do things and then wash, rinse and repeat. I think that the bad experiences have changed the way how I perceive life. I have learnt not to trust wholeheartedly, not to care too much about others and just mind my own business. There's little to no point in trying to show care and concern to others when one wrong move (even with the greatest intentions) can strangle you with a whole lot of problems. More often than not, these problems arise because of the way we speak to others. Sure, the oral form of communication can be said to be a form of art, but it really takes skill to master this art. And even so, even the proficient ones may succumb to the flaws of humanity. I've done mistakes like these before, perhaps because I've forgotten the ability to express myself clearly to others. And that just leads me to my second point - minding your own business. There are many things in life that can be expressed a million times better if we said nothing at all. In my previous years, I've talked about speaking up and how I should have spoken then. Maybe I was wrong all along. Maybe the mistake that I've made is that I've spoken up, just not enough. But how much is enough? How much significance can you bring to a topic before it's classified as 'enough'? That's why I'm starting to learn to speak nothing at all. There are some, in fact many, things in life that can be expressed more beautifully if we simply said nothing at all. Maybe right from the start, if I didn't raise my concerns or opinions on things, things wouldn't have even happened. Maybe that's the attitude that I should develop in life. Less is more and speaking nothing is crucial in life. We should mind our own business and fulfil our own responsibilities and obligations, without bothering about other people that are beyond our loved ones.

I'm sorry for developing a more cynical point of view in life because I've been molded to be this way. It just feels like a shame whenever you think of the things that you could've done with other people and then you're reminded with the disappointment and the number of upset that you have faced because of these people. I talked about not getting excluded and I honestly thought that we'll have a chance at being a great group of friends. I used to raise my head up high and tell my friends in Novus about what I thought I thought of you guys. But it turns out that when the year started out again, maybe my expectations had fell short or I was simply oblivious to the things around me for a while. I think it's better to develop an attitude of positive marking, just like some teachers who grade our scripts. There shouldn't be any expectation given to anybody around you. And if someone surprises you, give them the merit of having so as they may be the friends that you should keep. Stop comparing with the people around you, because life doesn't prevent you from making more than a certain number of friends. But for those who have disappointed you, remember them and the mistakes that they have made. Recall similar incidents and try to fit in the associated acts that they may commit too. I guess it's all about safety precautions. If they're not going to be your true friends, or even friends who you think will keep in contact after a few years, then there's no point in keeping them or trying to do so. I have always thought that making fake friends would be better than having no friends. And I was wrong. Fake friends bring disappointment and everything but contentment. I honestly find a need to rethink about all of my friends that I've made and classify them correctly. Yes, to human is err and I have committed many (major) errors during the course of my short lifetime, but I should develop the mindset that likewise is expected from me too, so that I don't feel that much negativity flowing through my veins. I think that I really need to reflect on every aspect of my life and shut as many negativity that I have embraced or relented in the past.

Maybe I should just show my care and concern to the people whom I think will be there for me in the future. They may be just a handful out of 24 students (as an example), or an entire group, but I think that I'll be able to be more content living my life with these people instead of keeping myself busy from appeasing the many fake friends that I have today.

I'm really sorry if this post has changed your impression of me in any way.

I used to like deep conversations. I've always thought that it was a blessing to have conversations until 3am because they made me feel free from the burden that I was usually carrying. But I was wrong. Heart-to-heart talks only reinforces the illusion that the person you're talking to will always be there for you. They let you share private and intimate details about your lives with others, and this allows others take a piece of your life away. They may have understood you more, but you've also given them another way to hurt you. They may be friends of today and become enemies of tomorrow. Who knows what tomorrow may bring? The tables may even turn at the end of the day, granting you greater misery instead. There's no point in sharing much anymore, because you may be the one filled with disappointment in the end.

Even mountains will shake, and giants will fall. Anything that can happen, will happen. I'm not going to allow anymore people from getting to know me better, because I've faced too much disappointment from doing so in the past. There's no point in telling your friends about your hopes and thoughts especially when they refer to the people around them. I've trusted, and learnt, and then lost. I'm not going to repeat the same mistake twice. There's nothing called true friendship with others, when the only one that you can trust ultimately is still yourself.

Give me small talk, and I'll talk. But if the conversations get a little bit personal, I may be gone long before you even realize. I have to become more independent, so that I can refrain myself from being disappointed once more and protect the little pieces of me.

Off I Go.

"Did you say it?
'I love you. I don't ever wanna live without you. You changed my life.'
Did you say it? 

Make a plan.
Set a goal.
Work towards it.

But every now and then, look around.
Drink it in.
'Cause this is it.

It might all be gone tomorrow."

This has got to be one of the most heartbreaking scenes that I've ever seen on Grey's Anatomy. Maybe it's because it's like a reflection of my life. The things that I should've spoken, and the words that I should've said. They may not have been about love, but they could've made a difference. I set a goal and worked towards it. But I forgot about the people around me and became insensitive at some point. How I wished for this feeling to be forgotten, but some memories will live to torment and become the present once more. I couldn't just 'drink it in' and accept the imperfections of the people around me. Instead, I strived for perfection and I got lost in the endless chase to achieve the ideal. Maybe that was it, I could have paid more attention to it. I could've just accepted it and live in the moment. I could have... a lot of things. But it's too late now, because they're all gone with the wind. I had my chance, and I didn't take it or use whatever I had to the fullest potential.

Or should I stay?

Finally managed to find the time to change the playlist in this blog. 'LA Love' may be the weakest song of the lot, but Fergie's rap in rapid flow screams for an eargasm.

Edit: I tried to include as many genres that are currently in the mainstream music as I possibly can. My personal favorite has got to be the last song, because I was there for the event that this song was written for :3

Midnight.

Could end in burning flames or paradise.

Have we ever let anyone take little pieces of our lives willingly, without trading anything back? Is it really worth it to give someone the glimpse moments of our lives, just for the sake that they'll notice them somehow. Maybe giving isn't exactly a sort of thing that one has to do constantly. All of us want something in return for the little things that we do. And yet all of us still allow others to extract the precious pieces of our lives, bit by bit, without even noticing it. Maybe this was what that led them to feel trapped and to feel that they're being controlled, because they have ran out of pieces to give away to people. And the worse part is, we'll always notice it too late, especially when the pieces have all formed into bigger shards of memories and begin to haunt us. Or maybe just when everything collapses at our feet, we'll begin to realize how much have we been giving away all along.

I really wanna feel free and just break away from all the thoughts that I've been having lately. I think I'm getting a little bit drunk on jealousy. I was naive to think that all the effort put in would be worth it in the end. And yet, I was betrayed and just disappointed by the people around me. Maybe it was the high expectations that I've been placing on myself and them, but it just seems a little bit too shocking. It really doesn't feel like I'm 18, when I'm still disappointed about these trivial and small details. But yeah, I should've been happy, but everything just turned out the way that I didn't want it to be this birthday. Maybe the A level stress has been getting into me lately, and everything has been going smoothly just without me acknowledging it. But yeah, I should have expected less. Well, at least I can see my life with greater clarity.

Anyway, I don't know why but I've been getting really weird thoughts lately. Like I'm suddenly obsessed with gamers and all sorts of things when this isn't exactly the right time to think about them. Man. I really wish for time to rewind and for myself to appreciate the entertainment in life more than the little pieces of myself that I've been stupidly giving away. And I've been thinking way too much these days, about the long list of optimistic scenarios that may occur if things go the way they're planned. I look at these people, and they are living by themselves and have owned a car when they're only 22. It seemed like everything is going perfectly planned for them. Sigh. I doubt that I will be like them when I'm 22, because I'll still be studying and suffering from an immense amount of stress. But either way, it's good to dream I suppose.

When we go crashing down.

"At some point maybe we accept the dream has become a nightmare. We tell ourselves the reality is better. We convince ourselves it’s better that we never dream at all but the strongest of us, the most determined of us, we hold onto the dream or we find ourselves faced with a fresh dream we never considered. We awake to find ourselves, against all odds, feeling hopeful and if we’re lucky, we realize in the face of everything, in the face of life, the true dream is being able to dream at all."

- Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy (Season 3, Episode 23: The Other Side Of This Life)

"Uncontrollable bleeding, acidosis, cold. We all know what the combination means. We call it the triad of death. The point of no return. It’s the moment in the O.R. where we turn to damage control. You stop. You step back. You let the body rest and see if you can find a solution to the chaos that’s happening inside.
…
Once the chaos subsides, we have to go back, take another look. We have to ask ourselves, ‘Can this body be put back together?’ If we’ve done our jobs right, it can. We stop the bleed. We sow the damage. We make the body whole again. But no matter how hard we try, we have to realize some things just can’t be fixed."

- Arizona Robbins and Callie Torres, Grey's Anatomy (Season 11, Episode 5: Bend and Break)

Out Of The Woods.

Looking at it now,
it seemed so simple.

It's definitely not the best feeling in the world to realize that the mistakes you've made during the entire week have cost you two distinctions, especially for a subject that you're good at. And the worse part is that you only realise your mistakes after you step out of the examination hall. I've prepared, but was it enough? Maybe it's the anxiety that keeps bugging me every single time but, I need to find a way to deal with it.

Well, what's past is past I guess. I've really done what I possibly could during the entire duration of the papers. I just hope that I'll be able to accept whatever grades that I'm going to get for what I submitted and have no regrets about it. Anyway, 2 subjects down, 3 more to go. I'm pretty worried about the other three because I haven't been spending too much time on them, especially chemistry. I really don't know why but, my chemistry has been on a downhill trend. It's like ever since my oh-so-glorious promotional results when everything started to change for the worse. Maybe it's complacency, or just plain stupidity.

Man. My self-esteem is plunging every single day. I honestly don't know whether I can pull through this, even though it's a must. Maybe thinking about the things I can do once everything is over will help. But planning events and outings aren't helping much too. Am I chaining myself to too many commitments when all of it ends? I need a getaway, and get away from the busy life that we're accustomed to. Maybe I need to find myself again, and reflect on whatever that has happened for the past two years here. But all of this can only be done when the final battle's over. Dear future me, no matter whether you get the grades you desire or not, you've done the absolute best that you possibly could and there's no point crying over it, because what's done is done. I'm extremely proud of what you have achieved, and I hope that you can overcome whatever you face and move on with life.

Moving on, do we pay attention to the people who we deem, or once deemed, as important in our lives? Like, do we still keep in touch with them, or even remember what they look like and their hobbies? Maybe some will feel that some memories are better left forgotten, but I think that there must be a reason why we thought that they were important to us at some point in our lives. Do we just forget everything that you've gone through with them, or do we just endlessly wait for that moment to appear in our lives again and give us an opportunity to catch up with one another? There's no doubt that I've made friends, and lost some in the process. But I am really hoping for the opportunity to come by and apologize for whatever that I've done. For pushing them away, backstabbing them, or just being the monster that I was once. 

Maybe it's a little too early to say this because the finale hasn't arrived, but have we ever thought of how many of those around us will stand behind us and support us all the way through life when the journey ends? To be honest, I'm not expecting many. Maybe it's because of the stupid little mistakes and the little tantrums that I've thrown throughout my life, but I had it coming my way. Well, that's just something to ponder about and there's nothing that we can possibly do now but just wait and see..

Are we in the clear yet?