Safe and Sound.

The trumpet line is sooooo... sexy.

What happens if I let it go?

Lights go down.

Damn these walls.

In the moment we're ten feet tall.

It's not like a stab wound you can protect me from.
It's a million little paper cuts everyday.
- Alec Lightwood, City of Lost Souls

Who am I to reprimand when I can't even heed the advice myself. They say that time heals everything, but who am I kidding? I heeded that advice like a naive kid. Left all these wounds for time to heal. Left everything the way they were then. Turns out they were wrong. I feel stupid for placing my faith in time. It can't possibly heal everything, at least not in time. I regret the decisions I've made. What if I took the initiative and continued to look deeper into the situation. What if I took the extra step to ensure this entire friendship won't crumble into pieces. All these 'what ifs' are useless now. It feels terribly awful to see someone as close as a brother fade out from your life. It's even worse to know that nothing you're capable of doing will be good enough to even patch things up again. He was closer to me than my biological brother, but things changed. I regret pulling off that move that day. It's all my fault, but I can't do a single thing to go back in time and turn it back around. 

These scars. They still hurt. They hurt a lot.

To be honest, I don't know whether I truly like you or not. I don't know whether I'm just using you as a tool for my wounds to heal. I just can't set my mind straight right now. All I know is that the sight of you makes me happy. You make me feel really happy, even if it's my brain's playing tricks on me. I don't know whether I should fight this uphill battle or not, because I seem to be at a disadvantage right now. I don't want things to turn out the way they ended up before. I wanna take it slow, but I can't trust time anymore. It sucks being at a loss right now.

I should have seen it coming.

Should have seen it running a long, long time ago.

When the Darkness Comes.

The sky will guide you home.

“Clary, 
Despite everything, I can't bear the thought of this ring being lost forever, any more then I can bear the thought of leaving you forever. And though I have no choice about the one, at least I can choose about the other. I'm leaving you our family ring because you have as much right to it as I do.I'm writing this watching the sun come up. You're asleep, dreams moving behind your restless eyelids. I wish I knew what you were thinking. I wish I could slip into your head and see the world the way you do. I wish I could see myself the way you do. But maybe I dont want to see that. Maybe it would make me feel even more than I already do that I'm perpetuating some kind of Great Lie on you, and I couldn't stand that. I belong to you. You could do anything you wanted with me and I would let you. You could ask anything of me and I'd break myself trying to make you happy. My heart tells me this is the best and greatest feeling I have ever had. But my mind knows the difference between wanting what you can't have and wanting what you shouldn't want. And I shouldn't want you.All night I've watched you sleeping, watched the moonlight come and go, casting its shadows across your face in black and white. I've never seen anything more beautiful. I think of the life we could have had if things were different, a life where this night is not a singular event, separate from everything else that's real, but every night. But things aren't different, and I can't look at you without feeling like I've tricked you into loving me.The truth no one is willing to say out loud is that no one has a shot against Valentine but me. I can get close to him like no one else can. I can pretend I want to join him and he'll believe me, up until that last moment where I end it all, one way or another. I have something of Sebastian's; I can track him to where my father's hiding, and that's what I'm going to do. So I lied to you last night. I said I just wanted one night with you. But I want every night with you. And that's why I have to slip out of your window now, like a coward. Because if I had to tell you this to your face, I couldn't make myself go. I don't blame you if you hate me, I wish you would. As long as I can still dream, I will dream of you. 
_Jace” 

-Cassandra Clare, City of Glass

Been spending most of my free time this week reading the 'The Mortal Instruments'. It has only been a week and I'm already done with three of the books. Teared up while reading a few scenes (including the letter above). Friendships. Will they last even when the entire world turns against you? Where are the moments in life that made you feel that they are going to last? Sometimes I wonder whether I'm living in my own realm of of wonder, or just being delusional for expecting too much. My hopes are starting to scare me. I hate being right all the time. My predictions are  coming true, but I don't want them to happen. I want to be stuck in that moment when things remained the way they were before. But I guess it's too late to turn back to hold onto them now.

Putting the sour note aside, I guess this week's been pretty good for me, apart from the fact that I slept while doing Differentiation on Thursday! Finally managed to understand Circular Motion and G.Field! Gotta tackle Oscillations and Ionic Equilibria this weekend (:. I wish that oscillations were as simple as staring at a pendulum completing one round of its motion. But physics is a bitch. A real bitch. I feel like pointing my middle finger at Newton and ask him to fuck off. He even invented differentiation. That's one hell of a son of a bitch.  I'm getting really sick and tired of doing questions that involve calculations. There are too many of them for me to handle.  

Anyway, I've finally found my motivation to study for promos. ^^. It just struck me that I don't wanna be down for the remedial classes next year for poor promo results. I wanna have as much free time as I possibly can have next year.  I can still make it if I work on one chapter a day. I'm really hoping that this motivation will last for the next 40 days.

I'm starting to like the  music that's coming out this year. Can't wait for Wednesday to come because 'Halcyon Days' is going to be released that day. ^^.

Hidden in the sun.

"Time waits for no man. Time heals all wounds. All any of us can want, is more time. Time to stand up. Time to grow up. Time to let go."
- Meredith Grey

Someday, I will be strong enough.

Wild.

Am I asleep, no I'm alive.

Why am I over-thinking things way too much? I can't let these thoughts get the better of me. I've got to learn how to filter them, and ensure that they don't come out of my mouth or through the words that I type. I hate this part, honestly. Because I can never be absolutely honest with anyone without hurting them. I tried to be frank. I tried to bury my thoughts in somebody, but it backfired hard. I didn't mean to hurt you. But in the end you're still the one offended. Sigh. I gotta know where to draw the line, and when not to cross it. I've got this feeling that you're tolerating me. And you're about to reach your limit. My instincts tell me that I'm irritating someone. But hey, remember the last post? No suspicions/doubts about this friendship. That's what I'm gonna do. No worrying until the truth comes out. No fretting over things that may not be true. That's what I'm supposed to do. There's no point doing things that may ruin this friendship just like the past, when the goal was supposed to be not damaging the friendships at all. I have got to learn to get a grip of myself, especially my mind. Everything will be fine, I hope. It should be fine.

Anyway, putting those negative thoughts aside, Sunday has been great to me. Woke up early just to rush a couple of undone work, before mustering all of my courage to start a conversation with somebody. Even though it ended pretty well, it made me think. Am I going way too fast? Should I take things slower? I don't want this friendship to end just like the ones before it. If I take another step forward, it'll be do or die. But if I don't do anything, I'll just be leaning against the fence, with no benefits or disadvantages. Sigh. I just don't wanna be hurt again, but I'm head over heels over this person.

I guess I'll just leave this until after promos, maybe? It's only about 42 days more before the dreaded GP papers.

On a positive note, I've finally found the chocolate which I've been searching for for YEARS. It's been 5 years since I've last savored it. It was definitely a 15 dollars well spent as it reminded me of all the beautiful memories I had in Europe with the Singing Saints! I miss them, like being a part of musicals and participating in singing competitions. I miss these experiences, and the friendships I've fostered.

Moving on, I've got to manage my time more effectively. 42 days to promos and I'm still slacking. I need a wake up call. A failure in GP is not enough since I've already given up on it. Sigh. That reminds me. I'm supposed to complete an essay that is due tomorrow.

Bye folks!

You keep me moving forward.

I like surrounding myself with negativity.
Because they remind me of all the positive things I have.

All these talks about moving on.
I'm still stuck at square one,
ever since things changed for the worse.
I'm not ready to move on.

Lies.
They were all lies.

Basics. It's always about the basics.

Transition.

Change is coming, and it's our turn now.

Why the hell am I thinking too much, when everything is seems fine?
Everything's flawed, but that's what they're supposed to be.
Nothing, and nobody's perfect.
Maybe I'll live a better life if I stop digging up something negative whenever something happens.

It's great having a talk-pal. It feels the same way I felt before that December. Contented, yet suspicious. Maybe I should set a target for myself. NO suspicions during the course of our friendship. Perhaps that'll be the reason why it may last.

We're all misfits living in a world on fire.

Someday.

Dear friend,

I would do anything I can, just to rewind time back to when we would chat almost every night, on totally random and unrelated topics. I miss those times when we would encourage one another to not give up, to continue fighting in this relentless journey. But now, we don't meet up anymore. We don't even talk. I miss how we used to be friends. I miss our friendship. I miss you.

Tbh, I suck at maintaining friendships. I don't make the effort to keep up with the recent happenings in my friends' lives cos I feel that I'm bothering them. If I want to find out about how my friends are doing, I just wander around their Twitter accounts and such. If they're doing well, it lifts up my mood for the whole day. But if something bad happens, I get moody too. Haha. That's how I am. But if I see my friends doing the same stuff that we used to do together, but now with their new friends, I get affected. A lot. I'm not the only one right?

I know about the rumors. I did make an effort to stop them but it's not easy to shut people up completely. If only you're not bothered about them... But still, I'm sorry for putting you through all these. I'm aware of how uncomfortable you've felt but I chose not to comment on it, for fear of losing you. I tried all ways to keep this friendship going, so that we won't drift and all. Then it hit me. Perhaps, this is only one-sided. Maybe I'm the one who is constantly disturbing you and interrupting your life? Well, if that is so.. I've decided to stop what I'd been doing for the past few months. It's probably much too late to salvage. I promise to never bother you again.

Take care, friend. I wish you all the best.

Credits to Jia En for blogging this emotional post.

Sometimes I wish I didn't know your name. Sometimes I wish that I didn't take the first step to forge this friendship. And now, everything has changed. Bridges were burnt, and lessons were learnt. Maybe it was through this experience that made me change. I've chosen to learn on the fence instead of going to the other side. Sharing things and talking about anything under the sun became the past me. Sometimes, I wish that I could go back to that old kind of me. But it's too late now. I've learnt that expectations only lead to disappointment, not happiness.

Friendships that were supposed to last forever were long gone. I guess that's the reason why I've been choosing in believing in myself, and only myself, because I'm the only one who won't disappoint myself.
Maybe someday I'll start to believe in friendships again.

Who would be there at the end of the day?
Stop lying to yourself.
Comforting won't help.

Lighting up the fire in us.

We're happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time.

Just realized that I've been blogging a lot during the long weekends. Even though they're merely short posts which can be read in like less than a minute, they reflect the different emotions in me. The other sides that I've been afraid to show the world all these years. 

Not saying that I don't, because there are true friends out there which have already seen these sides of me. I'm really glad for their accompany in going through thick and thin with me throughout the past few years. The path that led me here was not easy, but it was all worth it. I don't know whether you guys realize it or not, but if I say that you've been a good friend, you've been really a good friend to me. To be honest, I'm not sure where I'll end up if it weren't for you guys. 

8 months passed by way too fast. Maybe it's the responsibilities/workload that started to pile up on me, or maybe time has started to throw a tantrum and be a dick this year. But no matter what, I want you readers to know that most of you have played a significant part in my life and even if I don't have the time to blog due to the commitments I have, I'll still remember all the things that you guys have done for me, no matter how small they are.

Putting aside all the sentimental stuff, I wanna rage and complain about the music that we have in our world today. Yes, they may be entertaining and catchy. They may be able to describe our heartaches/feelings perfectly. But what about the meaning they bring now? It just faded away .. somehow. I admit that there are songs that still bring meaning, but are they as popular as before? The last song I heard that had actual meaning in it and achieved commercial success was 'Who You Are' by Jessie J, and that was like 2 years ago. As much as I hate to say it, the music world that I like has become more shallow over the years. 

Anyway, I've been trying to deal with a conflict in my PW group. Miss Teng was right. I was merely adding fuel to the fire. I need to learn to control my emotions and just shut the hell up. Should've handled the situation in a better manner. Regardless, PW meeting on Thursday was kinda fun. Managed to achieve everything that we were supposed to do. I think it made us become more bonded, even if there were only the three of us present during the meeting.

Then, I had a meeting/date with JY on Friday. It's kinda motivating to see her once in a while, because she represent some sort of a getaway-from-reality for me. It's awesome seeing her as blur as ever and knowing that we're still supporting each other even though we're like in different classes now.. She's like a 'lil sis to me xD. Anyway, putting aside that note, we still watched a horrible movie. LOL.

And then Saturday was spent with baking cookies with my 1320-mates! Played Big 2 with them also! ^^. Just realized that Alvin kinda acts like Twisted Fate in LoL whenever he plays card games. That is because whenever he throws a card, there will always be a 'Pick A Card' sound effect. Was sad that I had to leave early because I had to study Econs. But it was still a day well-spent with them ^^.

There was nothing special about Sunday, apart from catching up with my never-ending pile of homework. Fell asleep while doing Physics. LOL. That's a first for me, apart from HCL in secondary school. Anyway, just remembered that there'll be Physics SPA this week. All the best for all Physics students! Let's ACE the examinations together!

Moving on, I think that there is like only 40+ days left for promos? Gotta start trying hard and giving it my all for this examination. I've set several goals for myself in preparation for it, which includes sleeping at 2330 LATEST everyday. But it kinda sucks knowing that I've already broken that rule I've set for myself on the first day.

Anyway, gotta go now. Needa catch some sleep!

You make me happy whenever I see you.

Refresh.

Negativity, please go away.
It's time to return to the contented side of me ^^.

I get it now.
I get it.
The things you hope for the most are the things that destroy you in the end.

This is a place where horrible things happen. You were right to go. You’re probably escaping disaster. Look at me. I practically grew up here, and you’re right, it’s hurt me in ways I’ll probably never get over. I have a lot of memories of people. People I’ve lost forever. But I have a lot of other memories too. This is the place where I fell in love. The place where I found my family. This is where I learned to be a doctor. Where I learned how to take responsibility for someone else’s life. And it’s the place where I met you. So I figure this place has given me as much as it’s taken away from me. I’ve lived here as much as I’ve survived here. It just depends on how I look at it. I’m gonna choose to look at it that way, and remember you that way.

Meredith Grey - 'Remember The Time'

There’s a reason I said I’d be happy alone. It wasn’t ‘cause I thought I’d be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It’s easier to be alone. Because what if you learn that you need love and then you don’t have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It’s like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever.

Meredith Grey - 'Unaccompanied Minor'

What’s worse, new wounds which are so horribly painful or old wounds that should’ve healed years ago and never did? Maybe our old wounds teach us something. They remind us where we’ve been and what we’ve overcome. They teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future. That’s what we like to think. But that’s not the way it is, is it? Some things we just have to learn over and over and over again.

Meredith Grey - 'Scars & Souvenirs'

Love Will Remember.

12 months.

That was how long I took to collect the shattered pieces.

Took 6 more months to mend them back.

有时候我觉得自己很傻。

就算我那么坚持，

事情还是会搞到这个地步。

我累了。

时间也到了。

是时候放弃心里的一切，

回到原点。

It was clearly a mistake after all.

Sacrificed this friendship just because of these feelings.

Sigh. But now, it's all over.

I wish that I could do something to heal this friendship between us.

But I can't go back to December and turn it all back around.

Boom, gone.

Yeah, we move on.

Soaring, or falling?

What if everything was just 'what if's? Do we really notice every single detail about the environment that we're living in?

It's hard to take that leap of faith when you know that you may fall, even if it isn't absolute. What happened to risk taking and about everything that has developed you into becoming a better leader?

Over the last four days, the >10 mosquito bites was worth the better me. Strong friendships were fostered, and to be honest, I'll miss every single one of them. Chang has to be one of the best camp groups that I've ever been in in my entire life. All the obstacles and challenges that we faced together with resilience, and all the shit that we've been through. It was tough, but worth it in the end. It was as they were my family throughout the entire duration of the camp. We cared, we shared and we experienced.

My only wish from this camp is that I would be able to keep in the contact with every single one of my chang mates. That is all that matters, at least for now.

Thoughts.

Because someday you'll wake up and discover that all of the mistakes you made were worth it, at least during that moment in time.
Acted a little rash today. I really hope that this does not affect our professional relationship.