“Clary,
Despite everything, I can't bear the thought of this ring being lost forever, any more then I can bear the thought of leaving you forever. And though I have no choice about the one, at least I can choose about the other. I'm leaving you our family ring because you have as much right to it as I do.I'm writing this watching the sun come up. You're asleep, dreams moving behind your restless eyelids. I wish I knew what you were thinking. I wish I could slip into your head and see the world the way you do. I wish I could see myself the way you do. But maybe I dont want to see that. Maybe it would make me feel even more than I already do that I'm perpetuating some kind of Great Lie on you, and I couldn't stand that. I belong to you. You could do anything you wanted with me and I would let you. You could ask anything of me and I'd break myself trying to make you happy. My heart tells me this is the best and greatest feeling I have ever had. But my mind knows the difference between wanting what you can't have and wanting what you shouldn't want. And I shouldn't want you.All night I've watched you sleeping, watched the moonlight come and go, casting its shadows across your face in black and white. I've never seen anything more beautiful. I think of the life we could have had if things were different, a life where this night is not a singular event, separate from everything else that's real, but every night. But things aren't different, and I can't look at you without feeling like I've tricked you into loving me.The truth no one is willing to say out loud is that no one has a shot against Valentine but me. I can get close to him like no one else can. I can pretend I want to join him and he'll believe me, up until that last moment where I end it all, one way or another. I have something of Sebastian's; I can track him to where my father's hiding, and that's what I'm going to do. So I lied to you last night. I said I just wanted one night with you. But I want every night with you. And that's why I have to slip out of your window now, like a coward. Because if I had to tell you this to your face, I couldn't make myself go. I don't blame you if you hate me, I wish you would. As long as I can still dream, I will dream of you.
_Jace”
-Cassandra Clare, City of Glass
Been spending most of my free time this week reading the 'The Mortal Instruments'. It has only been a week and I'm already done with three of the books. Teared up while reading a few scenes (including the letter above). Friendships. Will they last even when the entire world turns against you? Where are the moments in life that made you feel that they are going to last? Sometimes I wonder whether I'm living in my own realm of of wonder, or just being delusional for expecting too much. My hopes are starting to scare me. I hate being right all the time. My predictions are coming true, but I don't want them to happen. I want to be stuck in that moment when things remained the way they were before. But I guess it's too late to turn back to hold onto them now.
Putting the sour note aside, I guess this week's been pretty good for me, apart from the fact that I slept while doing Differentiation on Thursday! Finally managed to understand Circular Motion and G.Field! Gotta tackle Oscillations and Ionic Equilibria this weekend (:. I wish that oscillations were as simple as staring at a pendulum completing one round of its motion. But physics is a bitch. A real bitch. I feel like pointing my middle finger at Newton and ask him to fuck off. He even invented differentiation. That's one hell of a son of a bitch. I'm getting really sick and tired of doing questions that involve calculations. There are too many of them for me to handle.
Anyway, I've finally found my motivation to study for promos. ^^. It just struck me that I don't wanna be down for the remedial classes next year for poor promo results. I wanna have as much free time as I possibly can have next year. I can still make it if I work on one chapter a day. I'm really hoping that this motivation will last for the next 40 days.
I'm starting to like the music that's coming out this year. Can't wait for Wednesday to come because 'Halcyon Days' is going to be released that day. ^^.
Hidden in the sun.
