Prism.

You take me to utopia.

I've been feeling exceptionally happy this week. I don't know why, but it seems like there's confetti and butterflies everywhere I go. Maybe it's the hour-long conversation that we had, or the crazy PW sessions that I've been having this week. I have not been feeling down at any point of the week and that's good. It seems like November's starting with a positive note! 

I feel high, like really high. It's like I'm too high to care nowadays. Whenever my friends try to tease me or make me feel jealous, I don't have the feel of caring. It's like I'll just say "I don't really care" and simply brush it off my shoulders. Maybe it's a good thing, because I feel ecstatic about it!

Anyway, I've bought "Prism" last week and it has been great so far! I kinda like all the songs inside the album, even though I feel that "Teenage Dream" was definitely a better album because "Prism" lacks the humor and excitement that "Teenage Dream" delivers. But it's still a great album to listen to! Been jamming to it all day whenever I'm at home playing LoL or the XBox.

Bought Final Fantasy XIV: A Realm Reborn recently and I'm starting to regret it. It feels like WoW, but the graphics of WoW is so much better, and the controls are a little confusing for me ><. Maybe it's just me hating these types of MMORPG games on PC, but I don't really think that the game is worth $45. I honestly expected more from it, especially when it's the continuation of a series.

Anyway, I gotta sleep now. It's almost midnight, and I'm meeting my PW mates tomorrow! All the best for all of you out there taking PW for your OP (:

When I look back,

never would have known that.

Who Am I Living For.

I need the strength to handle the pressure.

Sometimes I feel lost inside, lost without a sense of direction. I don't really know where I'm headed to, or which path I should take. I'm starting to feel like a robot or an experiment, which only lives to serve a purpose. I've been given lectures on what I should do, because they claim that they know what I want. Yes, I want to have jobs that give me the highest practical returns. Jobs with high incomes. But I don't want to work with a career that I have absolutely no interest in.  I can't believe that I've actually said yes to attending a computer programming course. They don't get it, no matter what I say. I like being the consumer, but not the producer. I don't wanna be the one under fire for all the weird IT things. But yeah, I couldn't say no. And now my holidays are as busy as hell. I'm kinda looking forward for the work attachment programme, but I hate it when my CCA teachers give me a shit load of work to do. And worst of all, I don't even know whether the proposals will become reality at the end of the day, because they've been backing out from it at the last moment.

Anyway, my parents just came home from their two-week Europe trip and I'm glad that they chose to travel during this period even though I'm still kinda angry at them for not bringing me along. It's like my life have been so filled with PW that I spend only minimal amount of time at home. And even when I'm home, there's always some PW assignments to complete. There's not even enough time for me to rest,  let alone interact with them, during the submission of wr period. OP seems pretty relaxing for my group, because almost everything is already completed by the first dry run. But still, I'm pretty pissed off with some of my groupmates. It's like, the actual OP is only a few days away and she books all of her weekends just to study with her boyfriend to motivate him for his As. And there's this guy who have been practically slacking throughout the entire PW cycle. Sigh. The only reason why I like my PW sessions so much is because it's usually with my two other groupmates and we usually crap a lot, but at least we get our things done.

It's kinda cool bringing them to my house for PW, because the amount of fun that they bring to my home is enormous. They remind me of the things in my neighbourhood that I usually take for granted, like having a park right below my house, a swimming complex just 5 min away and having like 4 coffee shops/hawker centres that sell the most amazing food and the infamous "dick" rice (only 1320 gets this). I wonder why I used to hate bringing people to my house in the past if I had known that it would have been this fun. The koi bets, the teasing and the phone hacking.

Moving on, I've signed up to be an OGL! I don't really know whether my application would be accepted because I am not really a high person, but I hope that I'm given a chance to be one! I'm hoping that I don't screw up and that my OG would be as bonded as Chanan 7 ^^. Man. I kinda miss all of them. They were like the first 20 friends in NYJC and I'm like only keeping in touch with 3 of them, even though our WA group is still quite active. Gotta plan an outing for all of us to meet up again, after Nithya and Hong Jin finish their As!

Oh yeah, and November is cominggg. Can't wait for the month to actually arrive! It's going to be a relaxing once OP ends and there will be many more opportunities to hang out with my family and friends! And this also means that I'll be 17 soon! Haha. Can't wait for the day to come!

Hmmm. It's kinda late, so I guess I'll be signing off now. Adios!

I can see the heavens,
but I hear the flames calling out my name.

Grief.

"According to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, when we're dying or have suffered a catastrophic loss, we all move through five distinct stages of grief. We go into denial because the loss is so unthinkable we can’t imagine it’s true. We become angry with everyone, angry with survivors, angry with ourselves. Then we bargain. We beg. We plead. We offer everything we have, we offer our souls in exchange for just one more day. When the bargaining has failed and the anger is too hard to maintain, we fall into depression, despair, until finally we have to accept that we’ve done everything we can. We let go. We let go and move into acceptance.
Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn't just death we have to grieve. It's life. It's loss. It's change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That's how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive. By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won't feel this way. It won't hurt this much. Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can't control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away."

- Grey's Anatomy

I don't even know which stage I am at. 

By The Grace Of God.

There was no other way.

I've always liked Katy Perry. Her honesty and emotions from her songwriting reaches out to me. This song is conpletely relatable to me, because I've been in that position before. Whether or not to make an ultimatum with things and decide to hide away from all your problems for good. Deciding whether or not it was still worth living in this world. We both have friends who reprimanded our cowardice and supported us to bounce back up. Friends who would check about you every single day during that period of depression. They were the ones who handed you a mirror and gave you a thousand reasons why you should stay. And true enough, they were the friends worth keeping.

Sigh. It's either make or break today. I don't know if I am going to promote or not, because I don't really feel confident for them. My old friends say that I'll do well, like how I always do. But everthing seems different now. I'm easily distracted now, obssessed with things that I shouldn't be caring about in the first place. Busy imagining stories that will never come true. Busy holding on to the past and the mistakes that I've made. For those who know me, I apologize a lot, even for the slightest things. I'm too afraid to cause any more hurt and grief to others. It's my history that molded me this way. I'm afraid to lose any more people who are close to me. It was only a year ago when I had this tendency of shoving people away from my life and having too high expectations for those who stayed.  I was so called a loner, and I made myself that way. And now, I've changed. I'm now trying my best to make sure that everyone stays in my life, ensuring that nobody becomes the one that got away. Maybe it was the lowered expectations or the friends I've met this year that made me change. But honestly, I don't even know whether I like this change. Yes, I seem happy, but I don't feel happy. I no longer have anyone to talk to comfortably anymore without thinking that the other person is judging me or find me irritating, maybe except Jue Ying. Sometimes I feel that she's the real reason why I should stay in Nanyang. Don't get me wrong, the people here are nice. Like really nice. But I just don't have anyone to talk comfortably with.

I tried. But sometimes the best you have simply isn't enough. I've been fabricating this story all this while without even realising it. All the sweet dreams and imagination, they're all just made up and they make you cross the line. I wish I could just shrug and simply delete everything away, but I can't. Because all those fantasies will rush into my head regularly, reminding me about you. Reminding me of the things that I should have done. Reminding me of what a failure I am.

I really wanna get promoted. I've already planned out what I will be doing during the holidays. A work attachment programme for a month, LTC outings, choir clique outings, planning of cca timeline for 2014, family dinners twice a week and of course, gaming. I'll be adding workout sessions three times a week too. Everything is basically mapped out and all I got to do is to arrange the pieces. I don't want my results to be the wet blanket. I don't want it to foil my plans. I don't want to be delivered with the bad news of retaining on my birthday. I like being 16, and I want it to end with a good note. I want my birthday to be spent like how I spent mine last year. A day of tranquility at home sleeping with a dinner with my friends outside. But it looks like that will not be possible since there is school that day.. I wanna be at peace on that day. Nothing else.

Sigh. No matter what happens, I've already did my best, even though that's what losers usually say. I gotta find some way to ease the disappointment later, even if that means that I would be in denial. Any method will do as long as it works.

Anyway, all the best for those receiving back their results later, and my juniors who are taking their big O's!

I looked in the mirror, and decided to stay.

Naked.

Can't go anywhere.

Sometimes I wish that it was easier. Easier to run, easier to shy yourself away from reality. Easier to master the art of letting go. I hate life. Not my life, but life in general. Why can't we all be hard hearted and do whatever we want. We would have no emotions holding us back, and we may feel free. Free to do anything we want. 

Sometimes I wish that I can take back the words said. Sometimes I wish that you can be my friend again somehow, even though we messed up. I guess that made me hate telling people about my personal stuff and treating others as my close friends. But even so, it still feels like something is amiss whenever I talked to my close friends. None of my friends understood me as well as you did, well perhaps except for Adeline and Jue Ying. . Sigh. It's useless typing in this blog,  knowing that you don't have access to it. But I wish you knew, somehow.

Anyway, it's not easy to toy with someone without being lost in the game. But yet everyone seems to do it one way or another. We put on masks everyday, to hide ourselves away from the truth, to conceal our true characters. We tell so many lies just to leave them on that we're tangled in them. And slowly, what you are will no longer be what you wanna be. Because those lies, they mold you. They contribute to your character, to who you are.

None of us remain naked inside. We all have masks, and it'll just be a matter of time before they are removed.  A matter of time before being exposed. And that can mean either redemption, or the end of the road.

Hmm. I'm having this weird craving for the clay pot rice that is sold opposite PP CC. And it's like 3 am now. ): Anyway, the official WR deadline is today.  I really hope that everything goes well because I really want that A, especially after the days staying back in school until late at night with my group mates editing it. I just hope that it'll be worth it in the end, for all the hard work put in.

There's a heartbreaking chill running through my bones.

Same Trailer... Different Park.

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
Jack burned out on booze and pills.



I thought that she was a nobody. I thought that she was just some person to fill up the spaces for the different categories in the CMA Awards. But I was wrong, and I'm glad that I'm wrong. This has got to be this year's best country song so far. It's a masterpiece. Catchy tunes, deep lyrics and accompanied with a simple arrangement. This song reminds me of one of the many reasons why I like country music so much.

Mary had a little lamb,
but Mary just don't give a damn.

Feel Again.

Is there anything to put me back on the map?

If you could make a choice, which path would you take? The road to the light, or the one that leads to darkness? Many would pick the road to light. Many would choose this path because they would want to be able to see the things that they want. But me? I'll choose the path to darkness.

They say darkness is due to the absence of light. But I don't believe so. I want to be able to see the things that I want. But I don't want to be able to see everything. I'd rather be blinded with darkness and hope for the best to happen, instead of meeting the harsh reality to know that someone/something has stabbed you hard at your back. This is because even when I'm hurt, I'll still continue this impression that it's just my enemy that's inflicting damage to me, and not my friends. To be granted with the light to see spoils this impression. It dampens the mood when the 'unexpected' happens. I choose to be ignorant of my surroundings, because I know that I'll be happy. At least for now, if it can't last forever.

Darkness brings fear. And fear is good, because that means that you still have something to lose. Something that is still worth to you. And that means that even when you're at the lowest point of your life, or even at your breaking point, there's still something to hold on to. Someone to count on, when your world's crashing down at your feet.

When you're living in darkness, there's much to be expected. Maybe that's the reason why I've changed so much. Maybe that's the reason why I choose to be oblivious to my surroundings. The reason why I choose to be a dreamer, instead of a do-er. Of course, if you're living in this kind of life, it's good to have faith in something. Faith that everything is going to be alright again.

But I don't. I tried to believe in something, but it didn't work out for me. I only believe in my senses. I only place my faith on things that I can see, touch and feel. Maybe seeing is deceiving, but that is all I got. Something practical to rely on when all else fails.

It sucks only to be the second choice. To be only remembered when you are needed for something and be forgotten when there's something better out there. Maybe it's because of the things I did, but I hate what I'm seeing/hearing right now. I feel left out, from the group that I used to be in. But I can't do anything about it. I deserve feeling this way, for everything that I've done. How I wished I could have my voice back, to say my own opinion about things. But I guess I'm at no position now. Sucking it all up seems to be the only option remaining.

Sometimes what we're going through is just a mere a illusion of the real battle we're fighting.

Broken Wings.

Who I am, is not who I wanna be.

Sometimes I wish that I could be like others.  Self-restrained and calm when faced with problems, being able to draw the line of personal and work matters and have the commitment and perseverance to complete tasks. At least they're not as panicky as me, being too involved and emotionally connected with things that I shouldn't be. I hate the moments when my emotions get the better of me and I say or do things that hurt others one way or another.  Sometimes I feel like a timebomb, waiting to explode any minute. I've tried my best to suppress all the craziness and negative emotions in my head, but I can feel them coming back now stronger than ever. I don't want things to happen like last year, the days when I made stupid tantrums over stupid details, getting jealous over the slightest things. I wanna be changed, but I am clinging on to something and I don't know anything about it.

Ignoring people isn't a way to change things. I got to remember that.  It only makes me a runner, to ease the urge a little. But sometimes, it's the only way to prevent yourself from exploding when you know that that party has nothing to do with it.

Anyway, i've just realised that my blog posts have been getting slightly moody these days. That may be because I didn't have much time to reflect about what I truly felt during the past few weeks. But just to light up the mood a little, my parents got me a new phone and diablo 3 on my xbox! I'm really happy for receiving these gifts, but sometimes i wonder whether I am really deserving these gifts or not..

With every move I die.

Creep.

I don't belong here.

I can't feel what's real anymore.  Everything seems so surreal. My mind's been drifting off to other places again. Places that it shouldn't be in. I think that I am going insane, for doing the things that make me depressed repeatedly. Something's wrong with me these days. I don't feel me anymore, at least not now.

I'm thinking way too much again. I don't know why this keeps happening, but it has to stop.  I need to remind myself every single time that not everything is within my control. That's one of the main reasons to like growing up, to be accountable to someone else other than yourself and your parents, despite the shit that you'll face. That's because you'll have more control over things and get to worry less about them, since you'll be the one handling them most of the time.

I want moments to sink in, just like how they did in the past. I need to feel real and genuine emotions again. Not those which can be whipped up in a matter of seconds. Crying myself to sleep isn't genuine, especially when you don't know what your tearing for.

Promos are finally over, but I don't really feel the hype. Come to think of it, I feel extremely empty on the inside.  I don't really know what's up with me lately, because my actions and thoughts have been weird. Suicidal thoughts have been coming up in my mind recently. I've been imagining how the world would be a better place without me and wondering who would be there for my funeral if I really do pass away. I feel really disconnected with the world right now. It feels like I'm drifting away from all of my classmates. It seems so sudden to have that social barrier between us whenever I start the conversations. It just feels really awkward these days. I feel unfulfilled, because I don't really know what's the route to take right now especially when the promos are over. There's no goal in mind anymore, and that kinda sucks. There's nothing to work for anymore. 

Even if I am the brokenhearted,
I won't cry, I don't wanna hear goodbye.
But either way I'll be alright.