There was no other way.
I've always liked Katy Perry. Her honesty and emotions from her songwriting reaches out to me. This song is conpletely relatable to me, because I've been in that position before. Whether or not to make an ultimatum with things and decide to hide away from all your problems for good. Deciding whether or not it was still worth living in this world. We both have friends who reprimanded our cowardice and supported us to bounce back up. Friends who would check about you every single day during that period of depression. They were the ones who handed you a mirror and gave you a thousand reasons why you should stay. And true enough, they were the friends worth keeping.
Sigh. It's either make or break today. I don't know if I am going to promote or not, because I don't really feel confident for them. My old friends say that I'll do well, like how I always do. But everthing seems different now. I'm easily distracted now, obssessed with things that I shouldn't be caring about in the first place. Busy imagining stories that will never come true. Busy holding on to the past and the mistakes that I've made. For those who know me, I apologize a lot, even for the slightest things. I'm too afraid to cause any more hurt and grief to others. It's my history that molded me this way. I'm afraid to lose any more people who are close to me. It was only a year ago when I had this tendency of shoving people away from my life and having too high expectations for those who stayed. I was so called a loner, and I made myself that way. And now, I've changed. I'm now trying my best to make sure that everyone stays in my life, ensuring that nobody becomes the one that got away. Maybe it was the lowered expectations or the friends I've met this year that made me change. But honestly, I don't even know whether I like this change. Yes, I seem happy, but I don't feel happy. I no longer have anyone to talk to comfortably anymore without thinking that the other person is judging me or find me irritating, maybe except Jue Ying. Sometimes I feel that she's the real reason why I should stay in Nanyang. Don't get me wrong, the people here are nice. Like really nice. But I just don't have anyone to talk comfortably with.
I tried. But sometimes the best you have simply isn't enough. I've been fabricating this story all this while without even realising it. All the sweet dreams and imagination, they're all just made up and they make you cross the line. I wish I could just shrug and simply delete everything away, but I can't. Because all those fantasies will rush into my head regularly, reminding me about you. Reminding me of the things that I should have done. Reminding me of what a failure I am.
I really wanna get promoted. I've already planned out what I will be doing during the holidays. A work attachment programme for a month, LTC outings, choir clique outings, planning of cca timeline for 2014, family dinners twice a week and of course, gaming. I'll be adding workout sessions three times a week too. Everything is basically mapped out and all I got to do is to arrange the pieces. I don't want my results to be the wet blanket. I don't want it to foil my plans. I don't want to be delivered with the bad news of retaining on my birthday. I like being 16, and I want it to end with a good note. I want my birthday to be spent like how I spent mine last year. A day of tranquility at home sleeping with a dinner with my friends outside. But it looks like that will not be possible since there is school that day.. I wanna be at peace on that day. Nothing else.
Sigh. No matter what happens, I've already did my best, even though that's what losers usually say. I gotta find some way to ease the disappointment later, even if that means that I would be in denial. Any method will do as long as it works.
Anyway, all the best for those receiving back their results later, and my juniors who are taking their big O's!
I looked in the mirror, and decided to stay.
