Who I am, is not who I wanna be.
Sometimes I wish that I could be like others. Self-restrained and calm when faced with problems, being able to draw the line of personal and work matters and have the commitment and perseverance to complete tasks. At least they're not as panicky as me, being too involved and emotionally connected with things that I shouldn't be. I hate the moments when my emotions get the better of me and I say or do things that hurt others one way or another. Sometimes I feel like a timebomb, waiting to explode any minute. I've tried my best to suppress all the craziness and negative emotions in my head, but I can feel them coming back now stronger than ever. I don't want things to happen like last year, the days when I made stupid tantrums over stupid details, getting jealous over the slightest things. I wanna be changed, but I am clinging on to something and I don't know anything about it.
Ignoring people isn't a way to change things. I got to remember that. It only makes me a runner, to ease the urge a little. But sometimes, it's the only way to prevent yourself from exploding when you know that that party has nothing to do with it.
Anyway, i've just realised that my blog posts have been getting slightly moody these days. That may be because I didn't have much time to reflect about what I truly felt during the past few weeks. But just to light up the mood a little, my parents got me a new phone and diablo 3 on my xbox! I'm really happy for receiving these gifts, but sometimes i wonder whether I am really deserving these gifts or not..
With every move I die.
