Play It Again.

The next friday night, we were sitting out under the stars.
You should've seen her smile, when I took out my guitar.

Memories. They say it's better for memories to remain, because your impression of people will never change. Remembering them for what they did in the past, and not for the the mistakes that they've done until now. I wish I could replay these moments, to play everything all over again. There will be foresight, and the bigger picture will remain etched in my mind. I miss my life. I really do. The days when I could do anything that I probably wanted to do-to hang out with my friends or even sleep for as long as I possibly could. The hell cycle is starting to get into my head. I'm getting sick and tired with all of the committments and responsibilities that are weighted down on my shoulders. We're already at the last lap of the race, and it's really discouraging to know that I haven't been realising my fullest potential, and getting marked down again and again, and again.

If I knew then, I would really treasure the efforts that many others have put in for me. It pains me whenever I think of the state we're in now. It really felt like yesterday when everything seemed awkward at the start and when everyone slowly got used to and comfortable with one another. I miss this family, and I really wish for it to be whole again. Maybe it's indirectly my fault for not attempting to iron things out, because I chose the path of running away, but it's really saddening to catch up with time. It's only been a few weeks that I've been gone, but everything has changed so drastically when I returned. Everything has changed, and I'm still not used to it. There seems to be a barrier now whenever I'm with them, especially during those moments when there were no words exchanged. It wasn't direct, but the silence and the expression on their faces spill everything out. I'm no longer part of that group anymore, and it's really time to move on.

Maybe what Clare said was right. I would be a fool to get into a relationship, or at least, for now. They say that people know themselves best, but the struggle between my head and my heart never ends. But the things that we talked about that day, will I ever be mature enough to handle such matters of the heart? I'm still spending my days throwing mini tantrums at people whenever things don't go my way and only thinking about myself most of the time. I tried to care about others more, but I usually put myself first before them. I don't think that I would be mature enough to care about someone who comes into my life. Relationships require committment, and that is probably one of my greatest flaws. This year is going to pass real quick, and there won't be enough time to make it last. I don't even know whether the feeling's mutual or not and even if it is, how different would it make? Both of us have committments, be it large or small. Even up till today, I don't believe that campus relationships will ever last. I've seen too many cases of Hello Heartache, and how they fell from cloud nine and grace. Maybe I should let nature take its course, and see what happens. Things may just be the way I want them to be in the end. I shouldn't force or rush it for things to appear miraculously, before history repeats itself again. Maybe I should just let it all go to the sands of time. If this feeling is real, it shouldn't be fading away soon.

Man. If only I could freeze time and have enough room and privacy to take a deep breath and capture the moments I have. It's really through these moments in life that defines who you are, and how you have been living. I wish that there was a rewind button, so that I can play every single memory again and smile to the choices that I've made in the past.

All that I need is this moment.

Here Comes Goodbye.

Here comes me wishing things had never changed.

I can't believe April just came and passed by so quickly. There was hardly any time to truly rest. Yes, there were times when I felt like totally slacking and not doing any work, but the guilt haunts me whenever I choose to do so. Anyway, April's gone. And that means that I'll be stepping down from my CCA really soon. I should be happy, with all the extra time that I'll have. But I'm not. I'm really going to miss the company in ODAC. The bonds that we fostered throughout the past year and the memories we made. I may not have been the best president, but I really hope that I've managed to do them proud throughout the past year. Honestly, I wouldn't have survived the trials and hardships without them. The encouragements and support that they have given me were really unexpected, since I was supposed to remain composed and do things the right way. But I appreciate them. I really do. I don't know why, but even though we only meet twice a week (or even lesser sometimes), some of them are close to my heart. It seems like the company really matters after all, no matter what journey we're going through. My first friend in NYJC, the weekly ODAC dinners, my 3 classmates and the one I've gotten to know more about since Novus. Things really changed a lot this year, especially the latter. I still remember knowing him as just an EXCO who was under me, and I didn't really bother trying to know more about him. But ODAC has been consistently a common topic for us in Novus. And truthfully, I think that he's really one of the few people that made me become a better president this year, as compared to last year.

Thinking about it now, I don't want things to end this quickly. It feels like Ad Meliora has just ended yesterday. Time really flies eh? It feels like hell going through PW and all my other work committments, but a sense of nostalgia rushes past me whenever I think about it now. The next few months are just going to pass even quickly, with all the stress building up. And that moment of goodbye will come again, with all my emotions stirring up.

I have never been a fan of goodbyes. For those who didn't know, I place connections and relationships at a much higher importance than many others. I feel that the friends around you really shape and define who you are. Friends make you happy, and they make you sad. But they are the ones who go through the same shit with you. And I don't want them to leave, forever and no matter for what reason. They make up a part of me. Sigh. But no matter how idealistic I may be, my mind never fails to tell me otherwise. All the events that were supposed to be erased were archived instead. All the arrogance I once had. All the important friendships that I've decided to let go. They were my regrets, and I'm really hoping that they will not come back to life once more.

Maybe that's the reason why I've been trying to be as low profile as possible last year. I was afraid to make friends. Afraid that I would just push them away without any reason or whatsoever. Afraid of disappointments. There weren't really friends whom I could really trust my deepest secrets with, even though it was supposed to be alright. I suppose I was still in the midst of recovery from the chaos and mayhem that occurred. But I'm thankful for the people around me, especially for those who knew that I really tried to make an effort to step out of my comfort zone to interact with strangers/acquaintances. I'm really grateful for being blessed with the opportunities to meet every single one of them.

So yeah, the countdown is still going on. The true battle begins just short of 200 days away, and I'm going to treasure every single moment that's left. Maybe I should take the next step to maintain the friendships which I have fostered over the past two years, instead of sitting around and waiting for it to be magically sustained. Perhaps that's the mistake that I've been making all along. But NYJC may be the right place, and now seems to be the right time to do it.

Sigh. I really hate preparing for goodbyes, or at least, official ones. It seems like we've all grown and have also grown apart from each other. Maybe I wouldn't be there in the first place, but that wouldn't change much of the harsh reality, wouldn't it?

I remember all those crazy things we did.

I'll Hold My Breath.

Waste days in foreign places.



Watching the clouds pass by isn't exactly the best hobby to have, but it makes me wonder. Wonder about what on earth am I doing with my life. It's fine having flaws and imperfections, but sometimes, it's better to work on them. But I don't know how to. I've been thinking about the resolutions that I've made every single year. To be happy. That keeps popping up every time - clearly an indication that I haven't been really happy for these past few years. It's really easy to fake a smile and brush off all my hatred and anger lightly, but no one ever knows how hard is it to make it seem so easy. I honestly expected myself to be better by now, but I don't know why I'm still getting sucked into this black hole of negative thoughts and depression. Maybe it's because of the little insecurities creeping back into my life again.

Sometimes I ponder, what if I did things differently then? What if I chose to join other CCAs over choir in secondary school? I might be a completely different person today. I don't know why, but even though choir has blessed me with 5 lifelong friends, I have a lack of male friends, since I was a Soprano all along. And then there came the great depression when my voice finally broke when my promise to my friends was fulfilled. I just couldn't sing anymore, and it honestly felt heart-wrenching hearing myself sing like that when I used to be so much better. If I joined something else, maybe I would have been really fitter, and have many more male friends. To be honest, I don't really know how to interact with males, even though I'm one. Today's heart-to-heart talk with Clare was really inspiring and a wake-up call for myself. I feel really blessed with a friend like her. It's been an awesome 5 years of friendship with her, from being arch enemies in Sec 1 despite going home together and becoming the best of friends today. I really miss all the bus/MRT rides we had, and the times when she really stood by my side and guided me when I had the darkest hour of my life.

Back to the topic, I'm really going to post something personal in here, as it has been ages since I've last posted about something specific and personal about myself. Like what I've said, I don't have any close male friends. I mean, if I'm needed to list down all my friends in terms of friendships, it wouldn't be surprising if the Top 10 are girls. I think I have big issues with socializing, especially when I'm thinking way too much. I have this huge problem of thinking that I'm annoying someone as I'll constantly flood my friends with personal messages if I'm really close with them. Maybe that's the reason why I tend to shy away after some time, when I conclude my thoughts with my fears.

Sometimes I wish that I could replay everything all over again. I used to take everything for granted, and it was too late for me when I figured out what I was missing out on after letting everything go. Thinking about it now, I don't even know what went through my mind when I decided to let go of certain friendships. Maybe those were the days when my mind was filled with so many little things, that I've forgotten about the big picture of my life. Too busy with scrutinizing the little details that I've completely destroyed the entire image which was originally pictured in my mind.

It feels like the first time in forever, since I've genuinely felt that way. Maybe it's because I was confused then, and I just couldn't let go of what was left behind in the past. And it seemed like forever, since I've last felt liberated in feeling this way again. Sometimes I call myself a fool, when there's going to be high probability that I'm going to face failure again. But I don't know, I seem to be clinging onto something that seems so hard to hold on to.

Tell me that we're still too young,
and I'll hold my tongue.

Recovery.

You know that you're an expert at complicating things,

but you make the war seem like such an easy game.

Because at the end of the day, no matter how much you try to run or hide from the truth, you'll still find yourself back at square one, facing the inevitable truth that you've been escaping all along. Maybe I've made things to complicated, but I was right. I deserved everything that happened to me. Even though I've shed a lot of tears and bled out a lot, I've become stronger. Perhaps it's just me developing a stone heart, but I've learnt an important lesson. To not give a shit about anything anymore. Recovery. That's what I needed, and I had it. I'm still going through it now, and I'm glad that I seized the chance to seek closure before it's too late. It went better than expected, didn't it? I was preparing myself for another round of self-torment again for thinking about what I did in the past, but it turns out that I was wrong.

I've managed to let go completely. Turns out that the feeling that lingered, was just the friendship. I've managed to move on to the next chapter of my life completely, without being stuck in the past anymore even though there'll still be times when I'll think back and remember everything that happened. I managed to move on. I can feel my recovery, and I'm really hoping that it isn't a placebo effect. I'm opening my eyes and letting it be free. Everything's been left behind, and I guess the only direction to go is forward now.

I think that I've grown a lot more this year than last year. I've managed to set my priorities straight so far, even though I'm lagging behind my study plans these few days, but at least I did the best I could to study for my Block Tests. It may not be my best performance, with all the exam panic and unexpected things that happened, but I'm ready to face the music. I'm ready to embrace and accept what I don't know, and the flaws that I keep having in my studies. I know that there may be a point in time when I am forced to downgrade a subject to a lower level, and I'm hoping that I'm given more time in deciding. Even though I detest mugging for the 4 content-heavy subjects that I'm learning right now, I can't seem to make a clear choice of what to drop, if needed. Maybe it's the change in teachers that I have this year, but everything seems pretty good now. Even if I don't manage to score within my expectations, I know that it's just a one-time off thing, since we weren't exactly given a lot of time to study for it.

Anyway, I guess things have been pretty quiet so far, even though I wished for more time for me to rest and recover. Well, I've just realized that it has been ages since I've last posted something optimistic. So I guess I'ma leave this post on a positive note. 

You make it all better.

53 Quotes That Will Make You Rethink Everything.

1. “Everything you can imagine is real.” ― Pablo Picasso

2. “I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.” ― Gilda Radner

3. “The saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom.” ― Isaac Asimov

4. “There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.” ― John Lennon

5. “People aren’t either wicked or noble. They’re like chef’s salads, with good things and bad things chopped and mixed together in a vinaigrette of confusion and conflict.” ― Lemony Snicket

6. “Too many people spend money they earned..to buy things they don’t want..to impress people that they don’t like.” ― Will Rogers

7. “A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.” ― George Bernard Shaw

8. “To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never to forget.” ― Arundhati Roy

9. “Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man … living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.” ― George Carlin

10. “Books say: She did this because. Life says: She did this. Books are where things are explained to you; life is where things aren’t. I’m not surprised some people prefer books.” ― Julian Barnes

11. “People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.” ― Jim Morrison

12. “The things you do for yourself are gone when you are gone, but the things you do for others remain as your legacy.” ― Kalu Ndukwe Kalu

13. “There’s nowhere you can be that isn’t where you’re meant to be…” ―John Lennon

14. “Make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservation, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. If you want to get more out of life, you must lose your inclination for monotonous security and adopt a helter-skelter style of life that will at first appear to you to be crazy. But once you become accustomed to such a life you will see its full meaning and its incredible beauty.” ― Jon Krakauer

15. “The real things haven’t changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong.” ― Laura Ingalls Wilder

16. “If you end up with a boring miserable life because you listened to your mom, your dad, your teacher, your priest, or some guy on television telling you how to do your shit, then you deserve it.” ― Frank Zappa

17. “When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny.” ―Paulo Coelho

18. “I like to keep my issues drawn, it’s always darkest before the dawn.” ―Florence Welch 

19. “Our lives are not as limited as we think they are; the world is a wonderfully weird place; consensual reality is significantly flawed; no institution can be trusted, but love does work; all things are possible; and we all could be happy and fulfilled if we only had the guts to be truly free and the wisdom to shrink our egos and quit taking ourselves so damn seriously.” ― Tom Robbins

20. “When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.” ― George Bernard Shaw

21. “Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” ― Lao Tzu

22. “Dwell on the beauty of life. Watch the stars, and see yourself running with them.” ― Marcus Aurelius

23. “The only position that leaves me with no cognitive dissonance is atheism. It is not a creed. Death is certain, replacing both the siren-song of Paradise and the dread of Hell. Life on this earth, with all its mystery and beauty and pain, is then to be lived far more intensely: we stumble and get up, we are sad, confident, insecure, feel loneliness and joy and love. There is nothing more; but I want nothing more.” ― Ayaan Hirsi Ali

24. “There are no random acts…We are all connected…You can no more separate one life from another than you can separate a breeze from the wind…” ― Mitch Albom

25. “If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.” ― Woody Allen

26. “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.―Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

27. “Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life. What is it you would let go of today?” ― Mary Manin Morrissey

28. “Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.” ― Drew Carey

29. “You have wakened not out of sleep, but into a prior dream, and that dream lies within another, and so on, to infinity, which is the number of grains of sand. The path that you are to take is endless, and you will die before you have truly awakened.” ― Jorge Luis Borges

30. “I’ve come to believe that all my past failure and frustration were actually laying the foundation for the understandings that have created the new level of living I now enjoy.” ― Anthony Robbins

31. “To each there comes in their lifetime a special moment when they are figuratively tapped on the shoulder and offered the chance to do a very special thing, unique to them and fitted to their talents. What a tragedy if that moment finds them unprepared or unqualified for that which could have been their finest hour.” ― Winston Churchill

32. “His talent was as natural as the pattern that was made by the dust on a butterfly’s wings. At one time he understood it no more than the butterfly did and he did not know when it was brushed or marred. Later he became conscious of his damaged wings and of their construction and he learned to think and could not fly any more because the love of flight was gone and he could only remember when it had been effortless.” ― Ernest Hemingway

33. “Pain is a pesky part of being human, I’ve learned it feels like a stab wound to the heart, something I wish we could all do without, in our lives here. Pain is a sudden hurt that can’t be escaped. But then I have also learned that because of pain, I can feel the beauty, tenderness, and freedom of healing. Pain feels like a fast stab wound to the heart. But then healing feels like the wind against your face when you are spreading your wings and flying through the air! We may not have wings growing out of our backs, but healing is the closest thing that will give us that wind against our faces.” ― C. JoyBell C.

34. “We have to create culture, don’t watch TV, don’t read magazines, don’t even listen to NPR. Create your own roadshow. The nexus of space and time where you are now is the most immediate sector of your universe, and if you’re worrying about Michael Jackson or Bill Clinton or somebody else, then you are disempowered, you’re giving it all away to icons, icons which are maintained by an electronic media so that you want to dress like X or have lips like Y. This is shit-brained, this kind of thinking. That is all cultural diversion, and what is real is you and your friends and your associations, your highs, your orgasms, your hopes, your plans, your fears. And we are told ‘no’, we’re unimportant, we’re peripheral. ‘Get a degree, get a job, get a this, get a that.’ And then you’re a player, you don’t want to even play in that game. You want to reclaim your mind and get it out of the hands of the cultural engineers who want to turn you into a half-baked moron consuming all this trash that’s being manufactured out of the bones of a dying world.” ― Terence McKenna

35. “I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see.” ― John Burroughs

36. “Well, I like to eat, sleep, drink, and be in love. I like to work, read, learn, and understand life.” ― Langston Hughes

37. “Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn, whatever state I may be in, therein to be content” ― Helen Keller

38. “Fate loves the fearless.” ― James Russell Lowell

39. “I think that we are like stars. Something happens to burst us open; but when we burst open and think we are dying; we’re actually turning into a supernova. And then when we look at ourselves again, we see that we’re suddenly more beautiful than we ever were before.” ― C. JoyBell C.

40. “You often meet your fate on the road you take to avoid it.” ― Goldie Hawn

41. “Writing is a form of therapy; sometimes I wonder how all those who do not write, compose, or paint can manage to escape the madness, melancholia, the panic and fear which is inherent in a human situation.” ―Graham Greene

42. “Walk with the dreamers, the believers, the courageous, the cheerful, the planners, the doers, the successful people with their heads in the clouds and their feet on the ground. Let their spirit ignite a fire within you to leave this world better than when you found it…” ― Wilferd Peterson

43. “People do not die for us immediately, but remain bathed in a sort of aura of life which bears no relation to true immortality but through which they continue to occupy our thoughts in the same way as when they were alive. It is as though they were traveling abroad.” ― Marcel Proust

44. “Happiness is not the absence of problems; it’s the ability to deal with them.” ― Steve Maraboli

45. “Your cold mornings are filled with the heartache about the fact that although we are not at ease in this world, it is all we have, that it is ours but that it is full of strife, so that all we can call our own is strife; but even that is better than nothing at all, isn’t it? And as you split the frost-laced wood with numb hands, rejoice that your uncertainty is God’s will and His grace toward you that that is beautiful, and a part of a greater certainty, as your own father always said in his sermons and to you at home. And as the ax bites into the wood, be comforted in the fact that the ache in your heart and the confusion in your soul means that you are still alive, still human, and still open to the beauty of the world, even though you have done nothing to deserve it. And when you resent the ache in your heart, remember: You will be dead and buried soon enough.” ― P. Harding

46. “That’s how stories happen — with a turning point, an unexpected twist. There’s only one kind of happiness, but misfortune comes in all shapes and sizes. It’s like Tolstoy said. Happiness is an allegory, unhappiness a story.” ― Haruki Murakami

47. “If other people do not understand our behavior—so what? Their request that we must only do what they understand is an attempt to dictate to us. If this is being “asocial” or “irrational” in their eyes, so be it. Mostly they resent our freedom and our courage to be ourselves. We owe nobody an explanation or an accounting, as long as our acts do not hurt or infringe on them. How many lives have been ruined by this need to “explain,” which usually implies that the explanation be “understood,” i.e. approved. Let your deeds be judged, and from your deeds, your real intentions, but know that a free person owes an explanation only to himself—to his reason and his conscience—and to the few who may have a justified claim for explanation.” ― Erich Fromm

48. “You couldn’t erase the past. You couldn’t even change it. But sometimes life offered you the opportunity to put it right.” ― Ann Brashares

49. “There is an ecstasy that marks the summit of life, and beyond which life cannot rise. And such is the paradox of living, this ecstasy comes when one is most alive, and it comes as a complete forgetfulness that one is alive. This ecstasy, this forgetfulness of living, comes to the artist, caught up and out of himself in a sheet of flame; it comes to the soldier, war-mad in a stricken field and refusing quarter; and it came to Buck, leading the pack, sounding the old wolf-cry, straining after the food that was alive and that fled swiftly before him through the moonlight.” ― Jack London

50. “Sadness gives depth. Happiness gives height. Sadness gives roots. Happiness gives branches. Happiness is like a tree going into the sky, and sadness is like the roots going down into the womb of the earth. Both are needed, and the higher a tree goes, the deeper it goes, simultaneously. The bigger the tree, the bigger will be its roots. In fact, it is always in proportion. That’s its balance.” ― Osho

51. “Let yourself be open and life will be easier. A spoon of salt in a glass of water makes the water undrinkable. A spoon of salt in a lake is almost unnoticed.” ― Buddha Siddhartha Guatama Shakyamuni

52. “If you were all alone in the universe with no one to talk to, no one with which to share the beauty of the stars, to laugh with, to touch, what would be your purpose in life? It is other life; it is love, which gives your life meaning. This is harmony. We must discover the joy of each other, the joy of challenge, the joy of growth.” ― Mitsugi Saotome

53. “Humility is perfect quietness of heart. It is to expect nothing, to wonder at nothing that is done to me, to feel nothing done against me. It is to be at rest when nobody praises me, and when I am blamed or despised. It is to have a blessed home in the Lord, where I can go in and shut the door, and kneel to my Father in secret, and am at peace as in a deep sea of calmness, when all around and above is trouble.” ― Andrew Murray

Credits to: Brianna Wiest, The Thought Catalog

http://thoughtcatalog.com/brianna-wiest/2013/06/53-quotes-that-will-make-you-rethink-everything/

Words I Never Said.

So many questions,
but I'm talking to myself.

Say something. Sometimes I wish I had the courage to say something. To speak up, to let others know of my opinions. Maybe if I actually said something, things might have changed for the better. But now, it's too late to muster the courage that was needed, and everything still remains unsaid.

I honestly want myself to stop thinking so much. I think I tend to over-dramatize my thoughts a lot. Like seriously a lot. It sucks having a tsunami of possibilities flooding in my mind over every detail that occurs. Maybe it's this thinking that made me analyze every situation at the best of my ability, but it doesn't help in letting me restore my inner peace. I think I've overdone it again. I've chosen to not heed my junior's advice and just go for it. Maybe it's plain stupidity on my part, because I simply lost the words to say when the conversation struck. But at least one thing's for sure now, that feeling. That feeling wasn't what I thought to be. It's just a linger. Linger for the friendship to be restored again. But no matter how much I want it to be restored, things will never be the same again. Would it be the same to leave our state now, then to wait for it to fall apart in the end again? This entire drama, it was entirely my fault, and I take ownership for it. I don't think anything I say, or anything I do, can make me forgive myself for what I did. Sometimes when I think of you, guilt fills my heart. You were always the forgiving one, but I was shutting you down, and out, completely every time you tried to save things.

I got to do something with the barriers I build up between others and me. Maybe they have grown stronger over the years after what I've experienced. The fear of meeting new friends and ending up in disappointment. To be honest, I wasn't exactly transparent with those around me, especially the friends that I've made during the past 1.5 years. I was quite superficial to them, and they didn't deserve the treatment that I was offering them. You know, it really sucks hiding in the mental cave that I'm always in whenever I'm outside, because I don't really interact much with others. It sucks even more forcing that smile on my face when things aren't alright. I don't know how many times I've mentioned this here, but it has got to stop. I will be happier no matter what happens. I guess it's really time to open up my mind and myself to my friends. It's time to stop speaking in silence and being afraid of saying something wrong. I guess I should really start opening up to those around me, especially those who have been supportive of me all these while.

But before I take this leap of faith, I really want closure. It was something that I took for granted, and left it hanging by a thread instead. I really want to start this conversation and see where it goes from there. I doubt I'll be given a second chance for what I've done, but at least when I look back, I took a chance and gave it my best shot. It's time to put an end to this chapter of my life, especially since it has lasted for quite a while. It's time to really start afresh next term, and have the confidence of making friends back again.

So much to tell you,
and most of all goodbye.
But I know that you can't hear me anymore.

Regrets.

A million little wishes float across the skies.

If I could go back in time to change things, to make it right, would things turn out differently in the end? Would I know who my true friends are? Would I know who are the ones who stood by my side throughout the past few years? Would I really open up to other people? It's always questions like these that make me feel disconnected with reality, because I'll be stuck in my own realm of imagination and thoughts. But honestly, all of us have regrets. From the little things, to not noticing the big things in life. We get too caught up with the things at our sight, that we ignore our hindsight. I was given the liberty to choose, and it was a wrong decision made. I've chose the little things over the big things that mattered, like my friends and family. I became so self - centred that I forgot who I were. I've became a monster and committed selfish and horrible mistakes, just to boost my ego. I've learnt my mistakes the hard way. I really wanted to run, to escape from the punishment that karma had planned for me. But it had to be a bitter medicine to swallow. I grew from this experience, and learnt many invaluable things in life. Maybe it was because of this experience, that I started becoming more judgemental. First impressions mean a lot to me these days. I'm starting to compare almost every single aspect of my life with others. I've already developed a different attitude to those who don't treasure a single bit of me. Maybe kindness does come with a price. A price of being used. I'm really sick and tired of this feeling. I know that sometimes, it may be ungrounded, but I still feel that I'm right. I'm really afraid of my mind these days. The thoughts that I'm having recently, they seem so surreal. It feels like it's only a matter of time before they come alive.

Dandelions.