"Stop making excuses.
Stop apologizing.
Stop talking."

Can I go to where this is?

Run.

Here's some advice for the next one.

"The last 30 days have taught me so much. And all I wanted when we first came here was to know that we would leave together. But from the minute I sat down, I could feel it. I felt like I was gonna be suffocated. The last several weeks, I have laughed more, I have done more, I have enjoyed myself more than.... And I finally feel free. And by being free, I can see now that constantly trying to fix us is the thing that's been killing me slowly. And I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to fix it or fix us anymore. Maybe instead of loving you so hard, I should... I should be myself for a while. I should love me, and you should love you, and together we love Sofia, rather than — I want so much for you, Arizona. For both of us. So much more than this. More than being stuck with someone who feels stuck. I want you to feel free, too."

I used to think that facing challenges head-on was the right answer to everything. Do whatever you can, and walk away with your head held high no matter what the outcome is. I thought that giving it your all would make you content, because at least you did everything you could to resolve the problem. And even if you failed, you can look back and come to a conclusion that you did everything you could, and would do the same thing again given the circumstances. Sometimes, I honestly think that we're over-complicating things a little. Sometimes, it's because you try and try, and try, that people take you for granted. Or maybe, they'll just shove you aside and make your opinions fall on deaf ears. What if there has been always another answer to the problem that we've been facing. Maybe doing nothing at all and leaving is the answer - less is more. There's no point in trying to voice what you think when you're never gonna be heard. You're one voice in a million and even though people can't take that voice away from you, there's got to be a limit on how much you can do. You can't force a horse to drink, even after you've brought him to a river. 

I've honestly tried my best to reach my expectations and make the best that I probably could. Looking back now, I would have made minor tweaks here and there, but I would have absolutely done the same thing over and over again. And looking back now, I have tried and I have failed. Probably it's because the exceedingly high expectations that I had entering it and realizing that they can never be reached. And I'll never be contented if I continue to reflect on it. So maybe I should stop trying so hard. Maybe, it's better to forget some things and remember that some things are better left unsaid. And maybe, I should just leave and try to forget about it. I honestly think that if I stayed, I wouldn't be happy because I would continue to dwell on how I fell short of these expectations and there's probably nothing I can possibly do to change it. So I decided to leave. I decided to face the short moment of sadness in farewell and pay greater attention to myself. It might be better to love myself even more and do the things that I would want to do more happily, instead of being stuck in the past and reflecting a million times. I should stop fixing things to prevent myself from breaking apart in the end. Don't get me wrong, the journey has been incredible. But now, it's time to give myself a little bit more respect and attention and give up on things that I've been relentlessly pursuing.

I thought that I would end the suffocation when I made that decision that day. I thought that everything would come to a halt and start crashing down on my knees. But the last several days, I have laughed more. I have done more. I have enjoyed myself more than any time I can possibly remember. I finally feel free. And by being free, I know that I've made the right decision to run away from the challenge I've been facing instead.

But once it's gone, it's gone forever.
And there's no coming back from that.

It's a brand new day everyday, and the start of something good.

Am I taking this way too far?

It seems like I'm about to make the same mistake twice.

But I can't afford to pay the consequences that it brings once more.
I'm running out of second chances.

I honestly think that bad experiences truly shape a person's character. We do something wrong, engulf ourselves with as much negativity as we possibly can, reflect, change the way we do things and then wash, rinse and repeat. I think that the bad experiences have changed the way how I perceive life. I have learnt not to trust wholeheartedly, not to care too much about others and just mind my own business. There's little to no point in trying to show care and concern to others when one wrong move (even with the greatest intentions) can strangle you with a whole lot of problems. More often than not, these problems arise because of the way we speak to others. Sure, the oral form of communication can be said to be a form of art, but it really takes skill to master this art. And even so, even the proficient ones may succumb to the flaws of humanity. I've done mistakes like these before, perhaps because I've forgotten the ability to express myself clearly to others. And that just leads me to my second point - minding your own business. There are many things in life that can be expressed a million times better if we said nothing at all. In my previous years, I've talked about speaking up and how I should have spoken then. Maybe I was wrong all along. Maybe the mistake that I've made is that I've spoken up, just not enough. But how much is enough? How much significance can you bring to a topic before it's classified as 'enough'? That's why I'm starting to learn to speak nothing at all. There are some, in fact many, things in life that can be expressed more beautifully if we simply said nothing at all. Maybe right from the start, if I didn't raise my concerns or opinions on things, things wouldn't have even happened. Maybe that's the attitude that I should develop in life. Less is more and speaking nothing is crucial in life. We should mind our own business and fulfil our own responsibilities and obligations, without bothering about other people that are beyond our loved ones.

I'm sorry for developing a more cynical point of view in life because I've been molded to be this way. It just feels like a shame whenever you think of the things that you could've done with other people and then you're reminded with the disappointment and the number of upset that you have faced because of these people. I talked about not getting excluded and I honestly thought that we'll have a chance at being a great group of friends. I used to raise my head up high and tell my friends in Novus about what I thought I thought of you guys. But it turns out that when the year started out again, maybe my expectations had fell short or I was simply oblivious to the things around me for a while. I think it's better to develop an attitude of positive marking, just like some teachers who grade our scripts. There shouldn't be any expectation given to anybody around you. And if someone surprises you, give them the merit of having so as they may be the friends that you should keep. Stop comparing with the people around you, because life doesn't prevent you from making more than a certain number of friends. But for those who have disappointed you, remember them and the mistakes that they have made. Recall similar incidents and try to fit in the associated acts that they may commit too. I guess it's all about safety precautions. If they're not going to be your true friends, or even friends who you think will keep in contact after a few years, then there's no point in keeping them or trying to do so. I have always thought that making fake friends would be better than having no friends. And I was wrong. Fake friends bring disappointment and everything but contentment. I honestly find a need to rethink about all of my friends that I've made and classify them correctly. Yes, to human is err and I have committed many (major) errors during the course of my short lifetime, but I should develop the mindset that likewise is expected from me too, so that I don't feel that much negativity flowing through my veins. I think that I really need to reflect on every aspect of my life and shut as many negativity that I have embraced or relented in the past.

Maybe I should just show my care and concern to the people whom I think will be there for me in the future. They may be just a handful out of 24 students (as an example), or an entire group, but I think that I'll be able to be more content living my life with these people instead of keeping myself busy from appeasing the many fake friends that I have today.

I'm really sorry if this post has changed your impression of me in any way.

I used to like deep conversations. I've always thought that it was a blessing to have conversations until 3am because they made me feel free from the burden that I was usually carrying. But I was wrong. Heart-to-heart talks only reinforces the illusion that the person you're talking to will always be there for you. They let you share private and intimate details about your lives with others, and this allows others take a piece of your life away. They may have understood you more, but you've also given them another way to hurt you. They may be friends of today and become enemies of tomorrow. Who knows what tomorrow may bring? The tables may even turn at the end of the day, granting you greater misery instead. There's no point in sharing much anymore, because you may be the one filled with disappointment in the end.

Even mountains will shake, and giants will fall. Anything that can happen, will happen. I'm not going to allow anymore people from getting to know me better, because I've faced too much disappointment from doing so in the past. There's no point in telling your friends about your hopes and thoughts especially when they refer to the people around them. I've trusted, and learnt, and then lost. I'm not going to repeat the same mistake twice. There's nothing called true friendship with others, when the only one that you can trust ultimately is still yourself.

Give me small talk, and I'll talk. But if the conversations get a little bit personal, I may be gone long before you even realize. I have to become more independent, so that I can refrain myself from being disappointed once more and protect the little pieces of me.

Off I Go.

"Did you say it?
'I love you. I don't ever wanna live without you. You changed my life.'
Did you say it? 

Make a plan.
Set a goal.
Work towards it.

But every now and then, look around.
Drink it in.
'Cause this is it.

It might all be gone tomorrow."

This has got to be one of the most heartbreaking scenes that I've ever seen on Grey's Anatomy. Maybe it's because it's like a reflection of my life. The things that I should've spoken, and the words that I should've said. They may not have been about love, but they could've made a difference. I set a goal and worked towards it. But I forgot about the people around me and became insensitive at some point. How I wished for this feeling to be forgotten, but some memories will live to torment and become the present once more. I couldn't just 'drink it in' and accept the imperfections of the people around me. Instead, I strived for perfection and I got lost in the endless chase to achieve the ideal. Maybe that was it, I could have paid more attention to it. I could've just accepted it and live in the moment. I could have... a lot of things. But it's too late now, because they're all gone with the wind. I had my chance, and I didn't take it or use whatever I had to the fullest potential.

Or should I stay?

Finally managed to find the time to change the playlist in this blog. 'LA Love' may be the weakest song of the lot, but Fergie's rap in rapid flow screams for an eargasm.

Edit: I tried to include as many genres that are currently in the mainstream music as I possibly can. My personal favorite has got to be the last song, because I was there for the event that this song was written for :3

Midnight.

Could end in burning flames or paradise.

Have we ever let anyone take little pieces of our lives willingly, without trading anything back? Is it really worth it to give someone the glimpse moments of our lives, just for the sake that they'll notice them somehow. Maybe giving isn't exactly a sort of thing that one has to do constantly. All of us want something in return for the little things that we do. And yet all of us still allow others to extract the precious pieces of our lives, bit by bit, without even noticing it. Maybe this was what that led them to feel trapped and to feel that they're being controlled, because they have ran out of pieces to give away to people. And the worse part is, we'll always notice it too late, especially when the pieces have all formed into bigger shards of memories and begin to haunt us. Or maybe just when everything collapses at our feet, we'll begin to realize how much have we been giving away all along.

I really wanna feel free and just break away from all the thoughts that I've been having lately. I think I'm getting a little bit drunk on jealousy. I was naive to think that all the effort put in would be worth it in the end. And yet, I was betrayed and just disappointed by the people around me. Maybe it was the high expectations that I've been placing on myself and them, but it just seems a little bit too shocking. It really doesn't feel like I'm 18, when I'm still disappointed about these trivial and small details. But yeah, I should've been happy, but everything just turned out the way that I didn't want it to be this birthday. Maybe the A level stress has been getting into me lately, and everything has been going smoothly just without me acknowledging it. But yeah, I should have expected less. Well, at least I can see my life with greater clarity.

Anyway, I don't know why but I've been getting really weird thoughts lately. Like I'm suddenly obsessed with gamers and all sorts of things when this isn't exactly the right time to think about them. Man. I really wish for time to rewind and for myself to appreciate the entertainment in life more than the little pieces of myself that I've been stupidly giving away. And I've been thinking way too much these days, about the long list of optimistic scenarios that may occur if things go the way they're planned. I look at these people, and they are living by themselves and have owned a car when they're only 22. It seemed like everything is going perfectly planned for them. Sigh. I doubt that I will be like them when I'm 22, because I'll still be studying and suffering from an immense amount of stress. But either way, it's good to dream I suppose.

When we go crashing down.

"At some point maybe we accept the dream has become a nightmare. We tell ourselves the reality is better. We convince ourselves it’s better that we never dream at all but the strongest of us, the most determined of us, we hold onto the dream or we find ourselves faced with a fresh dream we never considered. We awake to find ourselves, against all odds, feeling hopeful and if we’re lucky, we realize in the face of everything, in the face of life, the true dream is being able to dream at all."

- Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy (Season 3, Episode 23: The Other Side Of This Life)

"Uncontrollable bleeding, acidosis, cold. We all know what the combination means. We call it the triad of death. The point of no return. It’s the moment in the O.R. where we turn to damage control. You stop. You step back. You let the body rest and see if you can find a solution to the chaos that’s happening inside.
…
Once the chaos subsides, we have to go back, take another look. We have to ask ourselves, ‘Can this body be put back together?’ If we’ve done our jobs right, it can. We stop the bleed. We sow the damage. We make the body whole again. But no matter how hard we try, we have to realize some things just can’t be fixed."

- Arizona Robbins and Callie Torres, Grey's Anatomy (Season 11, Episode 5: Bend and Break)

Out Of The Woods.

Looking at it now,
it seemed so simple.

It's definitely not the best feeling in the world to realize that the mistakes you've made during the entire week have cost you two distinctions, especially for a subject that you're good at. And the worse part is that you only realise your mistakes after you step out of the examination hall. I've prepared, but was it enough? Maybe it's the anxiety that keeps bugging me every single time but, I need to find a way to deal with it.

Well, what's past is past I guess. I've really done what I possibly could during the entire duration of the papers. I just hope that I'll be able to accept whatever grades that I'm going to get for what I submitted and have no regrets about it. Anyway, 2 subjects down, 3 more to go. I'm pretty worried about the other three because I haven't been spending too much time on them, especially chemistry. I really don't know why but, my chemistry has been on a downhill trend. It's like ever since my oh-so-glorious promotional results when everything started to change for the worse. Maybe it's complacency, or just plain stupidity.

Man. My self-esteem is plunging every single day. I honestly don't know whether I can pull through this, even though it's a must. Maybe thinking about the things I can do once everything is over will help. But planning events and outings aren't helping much too. Am I chaining myself to too many commitments when all of it ends? I need a getaway, and get away from the busy life that we're accustomed to. Maybe I need to find myself again, and reflect on whatever that has happened for the past two years here. But all of this can only be done when the final battle's over. Dear future me, no matter whether you get the grades you desire or not, you've done the absolute best that you possibly could and there's no point crying over it, because what's done is done. I'm extremely proud of what you have achieved, and I hope that you can overcome whatever you face and move on with life.

Moving on, do we pay attention to the people who we deem, or once deemed, as important in our lives? Like, do we still keep in touch with them, or even remember what they look like and their hobbies? Maybe some will feel that some memories are better left forgotten, but I think that there must be a reason why we thought that they were important to us at some point in our lives. Do we just forget everything that you've gone through with them, or do we just endlessly wait for that moment to appear in our lives again and give us an opportunity to catch up with one another? There's no doubt that I've made friends, and lost some in the process. But I am really hoping for the opportunity to come by and apologize for whatever that I've done. For pushing them away, backstabbing them, or just being the monster that I was once. 

Maybe it's a little too early to say this because the finale hasn't arrived, but have we ever thought of how many of those around us will stand behind us and support us all the way through life when the journey ends? To be honest, I'm not expecting many. Maybe it's because of the stupid little mistakes and the little tantrums that I've thrown throughout my life, but I had it coming my way. Well, that's just something to ponder about and there's nothing that we can possibly do now but just wait and see..

Are we in the clear yet?

I've got to learn how to smile properly!
I shouldn't be holding back!

I'd Understand.

Probably mindless dreaming.

Don't all of us have a person in our lives that we wished we could cherish more? Not a relative, or a kin, but just a friend. Yeah. I do. My thought on the matter still remained the same. If I could go back in time and change it, then we, or at least I, wouldn't end up in this plight now. I thought that I would have at least forgotten about you now, but it's the otherwise now. I was scrolling through Facebook the other day and I stumbled upon your profile. Wow. It's been three years and things have changed. I know that this incident has already come to a closure, but I wished we didn't need to come to this end. I know that I've caused everything to ruin and don't really deserve this second chance but.. I'm hoping that I do. Maybe someday we'll meet up again somewhere and somehow, but I hope that I'll be ready to face you again by then. Maybe we'll just be like the past, before everything happened and I let don't know what control me. But maybe, things would have changed by then. I've come to a this point in my life when I realised that I've made so many fake friends, that I've began to break away from my real friends. You warned me about this before, and yet I chose not to.

Well, I guess everything has been said and done anyway. There's nothing I can possibly do to revert things to the way they were. Maybe this has been a lesson learnt, and a harsh one indeed. I'll be missing out on the genuine conversations that I could have if I knew then. Because nowadays, there's just no one left to trust. Or more like, after everything that has happened, I couldn't bear to trust anyone anymore. Perhaps one day, I'll learn to open up and break free. Someday that day will come, even though it seems like a thousand lightyears away. But i know that I'll be out of the woods somehow. Man. I really miss those days. I really do. The feeling of waking up and ending the day happily, no matter what has happened on that day itself. Maybe it's hard to compare when I've already had a taste of perfection. I guess second best will never be enough. It may be close, but it'll never be the same.

Man. I wish you'll read this post, even when I know you won't.  Maybe you would someday but I guess it's virtually impossible eh? Probably less than one in a million. But if you take that chance that slips by once in a million times, you'll know who you are.

But if the chain's at your door,
I'd understand.

1. Dark Horse - Katy Perry feat. Juicy J

2. Any Korean Song.

3. Burn - Ellie Goulding

4. Say Something - A Great Big World

5. Farewell - Rihanna

6. Home - Kit Chan

7. Inside Your Heaven - Carrie Underwood

8. Love Story - Taylor Swift

9. Call My Name - Cheryl Cole

10. Heart Attack - Enrique Iglesias

11. Over You - Daughtry

12. Story of My Life - One Direction

13. Touchin', Lovin' - Trey Songz feat. Nicki Minaj

14. Flawless (Remix) - Beyonce feat. Nicki Minaj

15. Wide Awake - Katy Perry

16. What The Hell - Avril Lavigne

17. Roar - Katy Perry

18. Legends Never Die - Ferras feat. Katy Perry

19. I Know You Won't - Carrie Underwood ( from the album 'Carnival Ride' )

20. My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark - Fall Out Boy

21. Chandelier - Sia

22. The Last Time - Taylor Swift feat. Gary Lightbody

23. This Is My Now - Jordin Sparks

24. I Look To You - Whitney Houston

25. Hello Kitty - Avril Lavigne

26. NIL ):

27. Thinking of You - Katy Perry

28. Already Gone - Kelly Clarkson

29. Breaking Free - Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens

30. Home - Phillip Phillips

Thank you, whoever you are. You convinced me to stay that day. Without you, I would still be stuck in that storm without any hope of making it out alive. You were right, it was not worth taking something precious to me just because of some little issues that I've had in the past. You said that when the storm subsides, I'll look back to this very day when I was contemplating to end it all, and become thankful that I didn't do so. And now, I am thankful. Maybe it was my stinky attitude/character in the past, but all of you supported me throughout the entire journey there. Thanks for being there for me, when no one else would. Thank you for putting faith in me and telling me that I didn't deserve all these, and I hope that I'll never let all of you down. You said that I only did a bad thing, but that doesn't define my character. You chose to forgive me based on the good that I've done (no matter how small they are), instead of the huge list of bad decisions that I've made. Without you, I probably wouldn't have seen the brighter side of life.

Something in the Water.

And now I've changed.
And now I'm stronger.

Things have really changed quite a bit since the last time I've been here. Depressed? Not really, but I'm just really sad watching my results plunge to an all time low. I know that some others may find it really annoying for me to say this, but it's the sense of disappointment that overwhelms you when you know that you could've done better. I initially planned to make use of my results and try to get lucky with some of the advance placement programmes out there, but looking at my results now, I don't even stand a chance.  Anyway, the results have spoken, and it's time for me to do something about it instead of being ignorant about what is wrong. What truly matters is that all of us get our desired grades for the upcoming A level examinations. And I really hope that I'll be able to do myself proud, after choosing to take this route when there are so many other options available. Man, with the exams coming in just 30 days, I'm really going to miss my school for everything that everyone has done for me. I've never imagined being in an environment where the people around you makes you feel happy every single day. Well yes, some friends may be superficial, but at least they have no intentions of harming/talking behind your back. Well, at least I can conclude now that NYJC is indeed one of the wisest decisions that I've made in my life so far.

Moving on, I've recently rekindled my love for esports. I know that this isn't exactly a good time for it to be drawn into the esports scene now, but it's just really interesting to watch and play. I even went all the way down to Singapore Expo to watch the group stages of the LoL championships 2014 and it was indeed a memorable experience. Despite being an audience member and only looking at the big kick-ass screen of how the games are progressing, I felt like the game really connected to me. Maybe that's the feeling that most football fanatics get when they watch their favourite teams play. It may seem boring to others (like me) but hey, at least they're enjoying themselves. I guess watching the matches 'live' really adds another dimension of the love I have for it, which many can't really understand unless they experience it themselves. Anyway, I even got a photo with Cloud 9, one of the most famous esports team in North America! To be honest, I wasn't really a huge fan-boy of that team before I watched the matches at the Expo, but man, they fought hard and earned my respect and awe for them. It may just seem like a game with little or zero strenuous activity, but it really requires a lot of brain activity in order to win the match. The shot-callings were truly impeccable and really amazing. There were really so many unforeseen swings in the matches that made the experience even more exciting to have.

Anyway, moving back to the point about Cloud 9, I was initially an all-out EU fan, but C9 has really made me admire them even more throughout their participation at worlds. Putting aside all the gameplay mechanics and strategies, I find their players really relate-able. Well, other than trying to learn how to play better, I usually follow what Hai says on social media. And more often than not, he writes about his thoughts of his life (being a pro-gamer) rather than the gameplay mechanics that he could have bragged about all day. And to be honest, I find his posts really inspiring and interesting to read because it's fascinating to know more about life as a professional gamer, instead of being stuck at home with books and deadlines to meet.

So yeah, to cut the long story short, I think Hai may become one of my idols in the esports scene because of his swag and composure. AND HE LOOKS QUITE GOOD FOR A GAMER YEAH? Not trying to be gay but, I wish I had 50 percent of his face.. And he was the one who made me realize that if you smile with your eyes closed, you should look much better in the photo, like how he does it in his photos! Anyway, I really hope for an opportunity to come by for me to interact with him and hopefully become friends as it'll be really cool to know these players at a more personal level! I know that this may seem a little far-fetched, but hey, a fan-boy can dream right? Hmm. Maybe I'll muster the courage to write on his tumblr and try to get to know him better and hopefully, we'll be friends!

Moving on, I've just realised that I'll be having a really sad birthday this year because it's smacked right in the middle of A levels.. Man, I won't be able to truly enjoy myself that day and it'll be too early or too late if I celebrate it on another day. Anyway, I just hope that I'll have a peace of mind on that day so that I can celebrate the end of a great year with myself the right way. But now, I should just stop thinking about it and press on for the upcoming examinations.

By the way, I know that some of us right there may feel a little down because of their results, but I really hope for all of us to press on and do the best we can right now. It may seem hard and insurmountable, but it is surely not impossible to overcome. Just have a bit more faith in yourselves, and I'm sure with a touch of discipline and luck, all of us will do fine for the upcoming 'A' levels.

Just a little faith and it'll all get better.

"Talking to people nowadays has become so much harder…

For one, it’s hard to meet people because everyone is always on their phone or seems unapproachable, and you don’t want to be an ass if they want to be left alone.

But more than that, if you try to message someone or say something as simple as “hi” they become suspicious. They think you want something out of them or that you want them, they deem you a creeper or as thirsty.

Granted, a lot of them are creepy or thirsty, but it’s hard to pick apart the good from the bad."

- Reblogged from Hai's tumblr: http://simplyhai.tumblr.com/post/98892616355/talking-to-people-nowadays-has-become-so-much

Well I heard what he said and went on my way.
Didn't think about it for a couple of days.
Then it hit me like lightning late one night,
I was all out of hoping, all out of fight.
Couldn't fight back my tears so I fell on my knees.

"But when we are really sorry, when we use it right, when we mean it, when our actions say what words never can… when we get it right, “I’m sorry” is perfect. When we get it right, “I’m sorry” is redemption."

When the truth was like swallowing sand.
I found myself empty, gasping for air.
Trying frantically to keep my head above the water, but failing miserably.
Is it still worth holding on to, or is it just a deadweight that'll make me sink at the end of the day.
I'm losing faith and feeling out of gas.
Perhaps it was really not about me, and just them alone.
Maybe it's just me excluded from the picture.

There is no fault line to rely or blame on.
We were living on an imaginary one.
There wasn't a right or wrong to begin with,
Just a set of morals and values to follow.
They say the truth will set you free,
but the bucket of sand says otherwise.
Nothing feels as hurtful as accepting the realities of life.
One foot out, and a million guns start to point at me.
There is really no way out now.

Let Go For Tonight.

I wanna drive into the open,
looking for reasons I can't find.

I've been spending most of my long weekends reading and seriously tearing up a lot. I'm sorry if I'm not as masculine as what most of you would have thought, but I'm really starting to despise society a lot. Or maybe the world. Perhaps it has come for this stage of maturity to come and finally realize the evils of the world. Just by reading short stories and confession pages by people who have been left out by the majority of us really questions our humanity. Where is the love? It's kinda ironic that we're speaking up for peace and equity, and yet we're having wars in two parts of the world right now. Sometimes it's really hard to live in this world, with all the discrimination going on around us. Some people have to hide behind their masks to live their lives the "right" way. They have to give away their true personality and character just to be accepted by society these days. We speak of openness, and yet we shun those who are different. That's what that makes it difficult for people to really open up their minds and truly be free. Turns out we're all slaves to society at the end of the day.

Putting all these thoughts aside, I've been feeling slightly uncomfortable over what's happening to me right now. I can't really say why, but I just can't seem to draw the line between perhaps two of the most important aspects of my life. The absence of distinction is killing me. But no matter what, I can't bear to make the same mistake again. I just can't. I've paid the price of doing something really foolish and stupid once, and I made a vow not to do it again. But I guess all the temptations and emotions are coming back eh? I don't know why my mind is lingering around endlessly every single time when I need to be focused on something else. This is getting distracting, and I got to stop it before things get worse.

It's memories like these that make me smile and cry at the same time. Memories that convey two different emotions at the same time. They always start out fine before having bad endings at the same time. I miss the days of those "fine" and "happy" moments, but they're like cocaine. I know that these feelings will harm me one day, but they just make me high, wanting to relive the moments again. There's no point telling myself that studies always come first, when the sight of you reminds me of that feeling all the time, and I can't shrug it off. It feels right for me to move on, even if my heart tells me otherwise. All the little eye contacts and stares are just driving me insane.

So I call your name the only thing I know,
is that I need you here,
will you be gone forever?

Ghost.

I keep going to the river to pray.
'Cause I need something that can wash out the pain.

This has got to be one of the best songs of the year. I still remember watching her competing for the X Factor the year before but time really flies eh? What makes me drawn into this song is its chorus and its arrangement. Ella really manages to strive the perfect balance between her gloomy lyrics and the uplifting musical arrangement.

Anyway, I think that all of us have our own ghosts, ranging from all the small trivial things to the big ones which we may be oblivious to. Well, I have them too, and blogged much about them in the past. I talked about moving on, and then struggling, and then moving on again. Is it me, or is that the funny part of life? Because it really seems like we are born only to meet obstacles, and then learn how to overcome them or risk losing our lives to compensate our failures. I've certainly faced many obstacles in my life, even if it may seem insignificant to many of you, but hey, I've managed to overcome most of them. Looking back now and reading my old posts, it's starting to dawn to me about how young, foolish and stupid I was. There were really times when the solution was literally straight up on my face,  but perhaps my awareness to my surroundings really sucked then.

Moving on, I'm really afraid of reverting back to one of my ghosts from the past. It's like I've been trying so hard to cope up with all of the stress and work that everyone has been piling up on me. I've made my study plan for the next 40 days and it is starting to become nerve-wrecking because there is just so much I can do within a hundred days left. Furthermore, I think that I'm like really starting to lose my control over my emotions. Yeah, you could say that I had anger-management issues in the past. But I just don't wanna be that guy anymore. I really want to get a stronger grip of what I'm feeling, because I know things will go even worse when everything explodes. Sigh. There have been so many issues that have been in my mind these days. There are the numbered days to study, and of course the personal issues. Well, if you read the past few posts that I posted recently, perhaps you'll get a clearer picture. I'm really starting to accept how things are going on in the present now. Like I have really lost my motivation to fight for a better result (other than my academics), because I've honestly lost so much faith on others. Like seriously. I guess one of the greatest takeaways in my life so far is that I'll never fit in perfectly with any cliques and groups. Like no matter how much I try to fit in, the more excluded I feel. I guess all those second guessing and watching what my mouth is speaking is really getting too much attention from myself. So yeah, I'm currently adopting a stand where if I feel really excluded with the people I hang out with, I'll just don't go. Like if there is a clique and some other guy and me, I'll just decline the invitation and do something less interesting but less depressing too.

Well, I've been adopting that approach for a while, except for a few several occasions, and I guess it is working for me. There is honestly lesser things to care, and less people taking you for granted. I'm really sorry for being extremely self-centred now but I guess this may be the secret on how to live your life well. Just don't give any fuck on anything that doesn't reply you with two fucks. So yeah, I've been really reflecting especially since the many events that have occurred since school resumed a week ago. I've learnt to be independent, and that it's better to be selfish sometimes, or most of the time. I guess making myself happy is truly the most important thing to do. I think that I should move on from clearing any persistent negativity from my life, and really think more about myself and the people that truly cares for me.

I guess at the end of the day, you were right all along. The friends that you get to keep are the ones that you've made in your secondary school days. You reminded me of the ingenuity and how exclusive people can be in JCs, even at yours. And that those friends were not to keep. I may have disagreed with you then, but I'm really starting to see the light of what you said now. Most of them merely treat you as accessories. Reminders of what to do or something to vent your frustration on for no reason. The list just goes on and on and on. Of course, there'll always be exceptions, like my dark horse Novus and my cute little dolphins as a whole, but I really hope for improvements. This feels like wishful thinking,  waiting for something to change when you're just sitting there and watching it to change. But I just can't really commit myself to take the step upfront and change it. I just can't, after all that has happened.

Anyway, I guess ultimately, I'll just have to do something that makes myself happy, and one way to do it is to remove and avoid all sorts of negativity. And then wash, rinse and repeat. It's already the last lap, and I've got to disconnect some attached feelings over some people because I've simply given to much with my patience. I have to look for my flaws and improve them, and also avoid pushing myself past the breaking point unnecessarily.

That should be it then. Relieving my thoughts and opinions that have been bottled in my heart and mind for far too long. It feels like taking that huge load of burden off your chest and wanting to live your life well again, but with a game plan this time.

And at most, I'm sleeping all these demons away.
But your ghost,
the ghost of you,
it keeps me awake.

Sometimes you have to weather a little bit of rain before you can see the rainbow. It has got to be an effective wake up call for me. They weren't that bad, but still a real disappointment. I know that I'm capable of getting better results. Maybe I'm not putting in enough effort. Or maybe, I'm just not smart enough. But either way, i still have to reach that end goal that have been set in my mind since I chose to come into this school. I guess I really have to make some dramatic changes to my lifestyle for the coming months. No more excuses. I'm capable of it, and I will get what I want.

It's really great that I can make all these mistakes today, so that I will have a higher probability of not repeating them again. If it weren't for this round of examinations, I'll still be complacent with my academics, clearly oblivious to the high standards that Cambridge has already set for us. It's really time to wake up, and do the talk that I've been telling myself all year. I've already completed most of my study plan, and now there's just the need to follow. I know that this journey will be rough, and full of sudden obstacles and unforeseen circumstances, but no matter what, I'm still me, and I'm the one that controls my destiny at the end of the day. I just have to keep enough faith and display sufficient resilience, and all these will just go by in a flash.

It's really game on then. There's no safety net for me to rely on now. It's now or never.

Success?

All of us have different opinions of ourselves when time passes by.

Remember the aspirations that you had when you were young? Do they still exist, or have you let them go because of all the obstacles and realities that you've faced so far? Sometimes, as we grow up, we choose to have the easy way out and lead a 'stable' life, instead of a fulfilling one. I was thinking about some of my career aspirations lately and I've been searching through speeches and guides online to make my desired route clearer to myself. And then I chanced upon this.

This has got to be one of the most engaging and meaningful speeches that I've ever seen in my entire life. It's sad, but simple. It really reminds me of why I should always be true to myself. Because no matter how successful I may be in the future, one question will still remain. Do you deserve every bit of success that you're having right now? 

Ellen DeGeneres Graduation Speech Transcript:

Thank you, President Cowan, Mrs. President Cowen; distinguished guests, undistinguished guests, you know who you are, honored faculty and creepy Spanish teacher. And thank you to all the graduating class of 2009, I realize most of you are hungover and have splitting headaches and haven’t slept since Fat Tuesday, but you can’t graduate ’til I finish, so listen up.

When I was asked to make the commencement speech, I immediately said yes. Then I went to look up what commencement meant which would have been easy if I had a dictionary, but most of the books in our house are Portia’s, and they’re all written in Australian. So I had to break the word down myself, to find out the meaning.

Commencement: common, and cement, common cement. You commonly see cement on sidewalks. Sidewalks have cracks, and if you step on a crack, you break your mother’s back. So there’s that. But I’m honored that you’ve asked me here to speak at your common cement.

I thought that you had to be a famous alumnus, alumini, aluminum, alumis; you had to graduate from this school. And I didn’t go to college here, and I don’t know if President Cowan knows, I didn’t go to any college at all, any college. And I’m not saying you wasted your time, or money, but look at me, I’m a huge celebrity.

Although I did graduate from the school of hard knocks, our mascot was the knockers. I spent a lot of time here growing up. My mom worked at Newcomb and I would go there every time I needed to steal something out of her purse. But why am I here today? Clearly not to steal, you’re too far away and I’d never get away with it.I’m here because of you. Because I can’t think of a more tenacious, more courageous graduating class. I mean, look at you all, wearing your robes. Usually when you’re wearing a robe at 10 in the morning, it means you’ve given up. I’m here because I love New Orleans. I was born and raised here, I spent my formative years here, and like you, while I was living here I only did laundry six times. When I finished school, I was completely lost and by school, I mean middle school, but I went ahead and finished high school anyway. And I really, I had no ambition; I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I did everything from: I shucked oysters, I was a hostess, I was a bartender, I was a waitress, I painted houses, I sold vacuum cleaners; I had no idea and I thought I’d just finally settle in some job and I would make enough money to pay my rent, maybe have basic cable, maybe not, I didn’t really have a plan, my point is that, by the time I was your age, I really thought I knew who I was but I had no idea. Like for example, when I was your age, I was dating men. So what I’m saying is, when you’re older, most of you will be gay. Anyone writing this stuff down? Parents?

Anyway, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and the way I ended up on this path was from a very tragic event. I was maybe nineteen, and my girlfriend at the

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time was killed in a car accident. And I passed the accident, and I didn’t know it was her and I kept going and I found out shortly after that, it was her. And I was living in a basement apartment; I had no money; I had no heat, no air, I had a mattress on the floor and the apartment was infested with fleas. And I was soul-searching, I was like, why is she suddenly gone, and there are fleas here? I don’t understand, there must be a purpose and wouldn’t it be so convenient if we could pick up the phone and call God and ask these questions.And I started writing and what poured out of me was an imaginary conversation with God, which was one-sided and I finished writing it and I looked at it and I said to myself, and I hadn’t even been doing stand-up, ever, there was no club in town. I said, “I’m going do this on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson” at the time he was the king “and I’m going be the first woman in the history of the show to be called over to sit down.” and several years later, I was the first woman in the history of the show, and only woman in the history of the show to sit down, because of that phone conversation with God that I wrote. And I started this path of stand-up and it was successful and it was great but it was hard because I was trying to please everybody and I had this secret that I was keeping, that I was gay. And I thought if people found out they wouldn’t like me, they wouldn’t laugh at me. Then my career turned into, I got my own sitcom, and that was very successful, another level of success. And I thought, what if they find out I’m gay, then they’ll never watch, and this was a long time ago, this was when we just had white presidents but anyway, this was back many years ago and I finally decided that I was living with so much shame, and so much fear, that I just couldn’t live that way anymore and I decided to come out and make it creative. And my character would come out at the same time, and it wasn’t to make a political statement, it wasn’t to do anything other than to free myself up from this heaviness that I was carrying around, and I just wanted to be honest. And I thought, “What’s the worst that could happen? I can lose my career”. I did. I lost my career. The show was cancelled after six years without even telling me; I read it in the paper. The phone didn’t ring for three years. I had no offers. Nobody wanted to touch me at all. Yet, I was getting letters from kids that almost committed suicide, but didn’t because of what I did. And I realized that I had a purpose. And it wasn’t just about me and it wasn’t about celebrity, but I felt like I was being punished and it was a bad time, I was angry, I was sad, and then I was offered a talk show. And the people that offered me the talk show tried to sell it. And most stations didn’t want to pick it up. Most people didn’t want to buy it because they thought nobody would watch me.Really when I look back on it, I wouldn’t change a thing. I mean, it was so important for me to lose everything because I found out what the most important thing is, is to be true to yourself. Ultimately, that’s what’s gotten me to this place. I don’t live in fear, I’m free; I have no secrets and I know I’ll always be ok, because no matter what, I know who I am. So In conclusion, when I was younger I thought success was something different. I thought when I grow up, I want to be famous. I want to be a star. I want to be in movies. When I grow up I want to see the world, drive nice cars, I want to have groupies. To quote the Pussycat Dolls. How many people thought it was “boobies”, by the way? It’s not, it’s “groupies”.

But my idea of success is different today. And as you grow, you’ll realize the definition of success changes. For many of you, today, success is being able to hold down 20 shots of tequila. For me, the most important thing in your life is to live your life with integrityand not to give into peer pressure to try to be something that you’re not, to live your life as an honest and compassionate person, to contribute in some way. So to conclude my conclusion, follow your passion, stay true to yourself. Never follow anyone else’s path, unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path and

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by all means you should follow that. Don’t give advice, it will come back and bite you in the ass. Don’t take anyone’s advice. So my advice to you is to be true to yourself and everything will be fine.

And I know that a lot of you are concerned about your future, but there’s no need to worry. The economy is booming, the job market is wide open, the planet is just fine. It’s going be great. You’ve already survived a hurricane. What else can happen to you? And as I mentioned before, some of the most devastating things that happen to you will teach you the most. And now you know the right questions to ask in your first job interview. Like, “Is it above sea level?” So to conclude my conclusion that I’ve previously concluded, in the common cement speech, I guess what I’m trying to say is life is like one big Mardi Gras. But instead of showing your boobs, show people your brain, and if they like what they see, you’ll have more beads than you know what to do with and you’ll be drunk, most of the time. So the Katrina class of 2009, I say congratulations and if you don’t remember a thing I said today, remember this, you’re going to be ok, dum de dumdumdum, just dance.

Amnesia.

And the dreams you left,

you didn't need them.

I'm really sorry for not posting these days. It's been an eventful June holiday. From the Korea trip to all the hangouts and catch-up sessions I have with my friends, this June has certainly been one of the best holidays I've ever had. It made me open my eyes and my heart. It allowed me to see the world in a clearer perspective. It led me to find my inner peace again.

It's been really a tough Term 2 despite having all the fun with the people who surround me all the time. Is it really necessary to work this hard just to get a piece of paper that will determine the next chapter of my life? Is it really worth fighting for? I am beginning to feel my soul siphoned out by the hells of academics. I have been reflecting recently, and I have certainly opened my eyes to see. Has the rapid pace of life destroyed my humanity? There have been things I'd wish to do, but I couldn't oblige to it simply because of the commitments I have. Academics, I'm starting to feel a little uncomfortable typing this word, or any other relevant synonym out. Yes, there have been many disappointments during the past few months. Things I wish that I could have done better, but I chose not to.

But of course, there'll always be lessons learnt after every journey I've made. I know that this topic keeps coming out in most of my posts, but friends form an important aspect of my life. No matter what happens, or where we go, friends are the ones who will experience your life journey with you, or at least part of it. I find it saddening to see people come and go, or even abusing your kindness just for their own good. True friends, that doesn't apply to everyone. I've learnt it the hard way. I guess life has taken its toll on many people's humanity. It teaches us to be pragmatic for our survival. Too pragmatic. Fame really sucks the soul out of people. You may be a friend to a person, but when the spotlight shines on him, he just disappears and pretends that you're a nobody so that he can blend in with other people who have seemingly high profiles. I don't know why, but I'm really facing all these insecurities everytime something catches my attention. I don't really think they'll last, but i guess that's really the part and parcel of life. They just move on, and so should you. You know truly well who are you, and where you stand to someone else when you're not invited in the clique. And everytime they host an outing, you'll just be constantly reminded of the fact that you're not part of the group and you're just being a distraction/obstacle for them to interact more. Maybe it's my character and not being able to blend with one another, but gosh, I really hate exclusive cliques. And it's getting pretty obvious now. All these outings, I see no point in attending them when I'll just be in a bad mood, be a wet blanket and ruin everyone else's day. Maybe everything that have been foreseen earlier has been coming through. Even the mountains will shake when there's an earthquake. Nothing ever lasts, and nothing gold can stay.

Nowadays, I've been scrutinising every single life decision that I've made. It's the same old Nanyang or every other junior college that I could have gone to, or whether my life would be affected greatly if I had taken another subject combination. What if i had stayed on the safe path which I have been convincing myself to do in the past? Don't get me wrong, the leaps of faith that I have been taking were truly enriching and enjoyable to me. Looking back now, I wouldn't have made almost all of the decisions I've made if I had chosen to stay at the safe side from the start. But what would happen if I chose to stay on it? I can't really imagine what friends, or even what character I'll have, but there is still a probability that it may be worse or better than the life I'm living right now. I really think that there have been lots of mistakes made, especially this year. I don't know why but I always have this tendency to shut people out of my life when I feel that they are starting to understand me a little more than an average person would. Maybe it's because of the fear of letting history repeat itself again, or just the expectations that I'll cling onto when somebody new earns that title. 

Have you guys ever wanted to wake up with amnesia, and have the chance to start anew? Sometimes, I would have that feeling, especially during the period of recovering from a bad event that occurred. The rash and impulsive decisions that I've made. Or perhaps during the period of forgiving and forgetting. But that's just a huge pile of bullshit. I don't believe in saints who will truly forgive others, because it's simply human instinct to remember the sins that others have committed in the past. Even though some may say that history makes you stronger, I feel that it makes us harden to pain. It makes us adapt to our environment,  and hopefully become more immune to the futuristic tragedies that may happen by taking measures to prevent it. I wish that I can start anew, and experience the other side of my life once i have made that choice. And even if it means that everything in my mind will be cleared and I'll have a vacuum in my head for a period of time, I know that I'll be living life to the fullest. Yes, there'll be let-downs, but then there'll also be another chance to experience everything with an open mind and not making any form.of unbiased decisions. I'll be able to react to another similar situation more again. Besides, if I were truly me,  I may live back the same life that I am living now, and hopefully doing so without the regrets that I have in the past. I think that it's good to forget about things sometimes, because there's simply no point in remembering things that make you unhappy just to serve as your own reminder. I guess maybe if I could go back in time, I would have retracted some of the words that I've said and perhaps treasure the people around me more. But of course, if I had amnesia, I wouldn't be so aware of what's going on around me and knowing how to react to situations.

Anyway, moving back to the normal style of blogging, I'm really sorry for not blogging like how I used to, by listing down all of the flow of events that occur in my daily life. It's because I've been treating this little haven of mine as a dumping site for my emotions and thoughts. Perhaps it'll be an outlet for me to channel my negativity away for a while, but also because this blog is no longer private, I don't really feel comfortable being so specific about certain parts of my life. Maybe this is because of my own desire to keep a little (or the bulk) of my privacy intact.

Moving on, I'm literally halfway through my Midyears and things haven't been going well for me. I think that I could have done better if I have placed more heart into doing the things that I'm supposed to do. But hey, I guess it's still not too late to begin now eh? It's just a hundred over days before I leave this institution and move on to perhaps one of the most tiring aspects of my life, and I'll try my best to make full use of it. Yes, to be honest, no matter how much I complain about the school, I really love it here. Reflecting back again, I think that i would have regretted making some of the decisions that i was really inclined into making in the past,  but this school really reminds me of why I should be living. And living my life well to the fullest.

And the memories I never can escape.

My vision's 20/20 now.

Head or Heart.

How did it come to this?
I think about you all the time.
It's no excuse, but I wish that I never made you cry.
I'm not sorry that it's over,
but for the way we let it end.
I couldn't find the words to say.

I hate to think all you had of me,
is a memory I left you,
spaced between what was meant to be and the mess that it turned into.

And you should know, please believe me.
I pick the phone a thousand times and tried to dial your number.
But it's been so long,
it's never easy.
It's like trying to spin the world the other way.
But what can I say?

Maybe I'll just leave it as it is. Maybe things will remain just like the way it is now - happy, peaceful and quiet. Maybe it's really the little things in life that make up the big things you see. I can't wait for the brief moments of happiness to pass me by again, because it feels like time has stopped even when it's ticking.

It's better to leave it unsaid.

Play It Again.

The next friday night, we were sitting out under the stars.
You should've seen her smile, when I took out my guitar.

Memories. They say it's better for memories to remain, because your impression of people will never change. Remembering them for what they did in the past, and not for the the mistakes that they've done until now. I wish I could replay these moments, to play everything all over again. There will be foresight, and the bigger picture will remain etched in my mind. I miss my life. I really do. The days when I could do anything that I probably wanted to do-to hang out with my friends or even sleep for as long as I possibly could. The hell cycle is starting to get into my head. I'm getting sick and tired with all of the committments and responsibilities that are weighted down on my shoulders. We're already at the last lap of the race, and it's really discouraging to know that I haven't been realising my fullest potential, and getting marked down again and again, and again.

If I knew then, I would really treasure the efforts that many others have put in for me. It pains me whenever I think of the state we're in now. It really felt like yesterday when everything seemed awkward at the start and when everyone slowly got used to and comfortable with one another. I miss this family, and I really wish for it to be whole again. Maybe it's indirectly my fault for not attempting to iron things out, because I chose the path of running away, but it's really saddening to catch up with time. It's only been a few weeks that I've been gone, but everything has changed so drastically when I returned. Everything has changed, and I'm still not used to it. There seems to be a barrier now whenever I'm with them, especially during those moments when there were no words exchanged. It wasn't direct, but the silence and the expression on their faces spill everything out. I'm no longer part of that group anymore, and it's really time to move on.

Maybe what Clare said was right. I would be a fool to get into a relationship, or at least, for now. They say that people know themselves best, but the struggle between my head and my heart never ends. But the things that we talked about that day, will I ever be mature enough to handle such matters of the heart? I'm still spending my days throwing mini tantrums at people whenever things don't go my way and only thinking about myself most of the time. I tried to care about others more, but I usually put myself first before them. I don't think that I would be mature enough to care about someone who comes into my life. Relationships require committment, and that is probably one of my greatest flaws. This year is going to pass real quick, and there won't be enough time to make it last. I don't even know whether the feeling's mutual or not and even if it is, how different would it make? Both of us have committments, be it large or small. Even up till today, I don't believe that campus relationships will ever last. I've seen too many cases of Hello Heartache, and how they fell from cloud nine and grace. Maybe I should let nature take its course, and see what happens. Things may just be the way I want them to be in the end. I shouldn't force or rush it for things to appear miraculously, before history repeats itself again. Maybe I should just let it all go to the sands of time. If this feeling is real, it shouldn't be fading away soon.

Man. If only I could freeze time and have enough room and privacy to take a deep breath and capture the moments I have. It's really through these moments in life that defines who you are, and how you have been living. I wish that there was a rewind button, so that I can play every single memory again and smile to the choices that I've made in the past.

All that I need is this moment.

Here Comes Goodbye.

Here comes me wishing things had never changed.

I can't believe April just came and passed by so quickly. There was hardly any time to truly rest. Yes, there were times when I felt like totally slacking and not doing any work, but the guilt haunts me whenever I choose to do so. Anyway, April's gone. And that means that I'll be stepping down from my CCA really soon. I should be happy, with all the extra time that I'll have. But I'm not. I'm really going to miss the company in ODAC. The bonds that we fostered throughout the past year and the memories we made. I may not have been the best president, but I really hope that I've managed to do them proud throughout the past year. Honestly, I wouldn't have survived the trials and hardships without them. The encouragements and support that they have given me were really unexpected, since I was supposed to remain composed and do things the right way. But I appreciate them. I really do. I don't know why, but even though we only meet twice a week (or even lesser sometimes), some of them are close to my heart. It seems like the company really matters after all, no matter what journey we're going through. My first friend in NYJC, the weekly ODAC dinners, my 3 classmates and the one I've gotten to know more about since Novus. Things really changed a lot this year, especially the latter. I still remember knowing him as just an EXCO who was under me, and I didn't really bother trying to know more about him. But ODAC has been consistently a common topic for us in Novus. And truthfully, I think that he's really one of the few people that made me become a better president this year, as compared to last year.

Thinking about it now, I don't want things to end this quickly. It feels like Ad Meliora has just ended yesterday. Time really flies eh? It feels like hell going through PW and all my other work committments, but a sense of nostalgia rushes past me whenever I think about it now. The next few months are just going to pass even quickly, with all the stress building up. And that moment of goodbye will come again, with all my emotions stirring up.

I have never been a fan of goodbyes. For those who didn't know, I place connections and relationships at a much higher importance than many others. I feel that the friends around you really shape and define who you are. Friends make you happy, and they make you sad. But they are the ones who go through the same shit with you. And I don't want them to leave, forever and no matter for what reason. They make up a part of me. Sigh. But no matter how idealistic I may be, my mind never fails to tell me otherwise. All the events that were supposed to be erased were archived instead. All the arrogance I once had. All the important friendships that I've decided to let go. They were my regrets, and I'm really hoping that they will not come back to life once more.

Maybe that's the reason why I've been trying to be as low profile as possible last year. I was afraid to make friends. Afraid that I would just push them away without any reason or whatsoever. Afraid of disappointments. There weren't really friends whom I could really trust my deepest secrets with, even though it was supposed to be alright. I suppose I was still in the midst of recovery from the chaos and mayhem that occurred. But I'm thankful for the people around me, especially for those who knew that I really tried to make an effort to step out of my comfort zone to interact with strangers/acquaintances. I'm really grateful for being blessed with the opportunities to meet every single one of them.

So yeah, the countdown is still going on. The true battle begins just short of 200 days away, and I'm going to treasure every single moment that's left. Maybe I should take the next step to maintain the friendships which I have fostered over the past two years, instead of sitting around and waiting for it to be magically sustained. Perhaps that's the mistake that I've been making all along. But NYJC may be the right place, and now seems to be the right time to do it.

Sigh. I really hate preparing for goodbyes, or at least, official ones. It seems like we've all grown and have also grown apart from each other. Maybe I wouldn't be there in the first place, but that wouldn't change much of the harsh reality, wouldn't it?

I remember all those crazy things we did.

I'll Hold My Breath.

Waste days in foreign places.



Watching the clouds pass by isn't exactly the best hobby to have, but it makes me wonder. Wonder about what on earth am I doing with my life. It's fine having flaws and imperfections, but sometimes, it's better to work on them. But I don't know how to. I've been thinking about the resolutions that I've made every single year. To be happy. That keeps popping up every time - clearly an indication that I haven't been really happy for these past few years. It's really easy to fake a smile and brush off all my hatred and anger lightly, but no one ever knows how hard is it to make it seem so easy. I honestly expected myself to be better by now, but I don't know why I'm still getting sucked into this black hole of negative thoughts and depression. Maybe it's because of the little insecurities creeping back into my life again.

Sometimes I ponder, what if I did things differently then? What if I chose to join other CCAs over choir in secondary school? I might be a completely different person today. I don't know why, but even though choir has blessed me with 5 lifelong friends, I have a lack of male friends, since I was a Soprano all along. And then there came the great depression when my voice finally broke when my promise to my friends was fulfilled. I just couldn't sing anymore, and it honestly felt heart-wrenching hearing myself sing like that when I used to be so much better. If I joined something else, maybe I would have been really fitter, and have many more male friends. To be honest, I don't really know how to interact with males, even though I'm one. Today's heart-to-heart talk with Clare was really inspiring and a wake-up call for myself. I feel really blessed with a friend like her. It's been an awesome 5 years of friendship with her, from being arch enemies in Sec 1 despite going home together and becoming the best of friends today. I really miss all the bus/MRT rides we had, and the times when she really stood by my side and guided me when I had the darkest hour of my life.

Back to the topic, I'm really going to post something personal in here, as it has been ages since I've last posted about something specific and personal about myself. Like what I've said, I don't have any close male friends. I mean, if I'm needed to list down all my friends in terms of friendships, it wouldn't be surprising if the Top 10 are girls. I think I have big issues with socializing, especially when I'm thinking way too much. I have this huge problem of thinking that I'm annoying someone as I'll constantly flood my friends with personal messages if I'm really close with them. Maybe that's the reason why I tend to shy away after some time, when I conclude my thoughts with my fears.

Sometimes I wish that I could replay everything all over again. I used to take everything for granted, and it was too late for me when I figured out what I was missing out on after letting everything go. Thinking about it now, I don't even know what went through my mind when I decided to let go of certain friendships. Maybe those were the days when my mind was filled with so many little things, that I've forgotten about the big picture of my life. Too busy with scrutinizing the little details that I've completely destroyed the entire image which was originally pictured in my mind.

It feels like the first time in forever, since I've genuinely felt that way. Maybe it's because I was confused then, and I just couldn't let go of what was left behind in the past. And it seemed like forever, since I've last felt liberated in feeling this way again. Sometimes I call myself a fool, when there's going to be high probability that I'm going to face failure again. But I don't know, I seem to be clinging onto something that seems so hard to hold on to.

Tell me that we're still too young,
and I'll hold my tongue.

Recovery.

You know that you're an expert at complicating things,

but you make the war seem like such an easy game.

Because at the end of the day, no matter how much you try to run or hide from the truth, you'll still find yourself back at square one, facing the inevitable truth that you've been escaping all along. Maybe I've made things to complicated, but I was right. I deserved everything that happened to me. Even though I've shed a lot of tears and bled out a lot, I've become stronger. Perhaps it's just me developing a stone heart, but I've learnt an important lesson. To not give a shit about anything anymore. Recovery. That's what I needed, and I had it. I'm still going through it now, and I'm glad that I seized the chance to seek closure before it's too late. It went better than expected, didn't it? I was preparing myself for another round of self-torment again for thinking about what I did in the past, but it turns out that I was wrong.

I've managed to let go completely. Turns out that the feeling that lingered, was just the friendship. I've managed to move on to the next chapter of my life completely, without being stuck in the past anymore even though there'll still be times when I'll think back and remember everything that happened. I managed to move on. I can feel my recovery, and I'm really hoping that it isn't a placebo effect. I'm opening my eyes and letting it be free. Everything's been left behind, and I guess the only direction to go is forward now.

I think that I've grown a lot more this year than last year. I've managed to set my priorities straight so far, even though I'm lagging behind my study plans these few days, but at least I did the best I could to study for my Block Tests. It may not be my best performance, with all the exam panic and unexpected things that happened, but I'm ready to face the music. I'm ready to embrace and accept what I don't know, and the flaws that I keep having in my studies. I know that there may be a point in time when I am forced to downgrade a subject to a lower level, and I'm hoping that I'm given more time in deciding. Even though I detest mugging for the 4 content-heavy subjects that I'm learning right now, I can't seem to make a clear choice of what to drop, if needed. Maybe it's the change in teachers that I have this year, but everything seems pretty good now. Even if I don't manage to score within my expectations, I know that it's just a one-time off thing, since we weren't exactly given a lot of time to study for it.

Anyway, I guess things have been pretty quiet so far, even though I wished for more time for me to rest and recover. Well, I've just realized that it has been ages since I've last posted something optimistic. So I guess I'ma leave this post on a positive note. 

You make it all better.