It's easy going out on a friday night.
It's easy every time I see you out.
I can smile, live it up, forget about the way it was.
But what she, what she don't know,
is how hard it is to make it look so easy.

Permanent December.

You better make it count because you can't take it back.

Man. It's been really a great December break for me this year, probably the best I've ever had in my entire school life. But I've got to start on some work, before all my teachers start chopping my head every single lesson because of incomplete tutorials and assignments. I think that the holidays flew by pretty fast though. Perhaps it's because of the number of events I had, but I enjoyed every single moment of it.

Actually, I don't really want school to start, even though I'll be able to see my classmates every single day again. I just can't handle all the responsibilities.  I feel like a failure sometimes, for doing too little when I had the opportunities to do more.  I really wanna plan more stuff, but there's this huge mountain of work blocking my path. I hope that i'll at least finish Maths and Chemistry. Econs can come and kiss my ass. Well,looks like I'll be booked by my homework during new year! ):. Looking at the bright side, at least I can camp at PP CC again! I really miss the mixed rice stall and the claypot rice there. Oh, and my study buddy too!

Sigh. Its 2am now and I gotta be in school by 10am later. I need to get some rest. Bye guys, and sorry for the abrupt closure.

Why are you sitting there thinking about what you can't change and worrying about all the wrong things.

XO.

In the darkness night I'll,

I'll search through the crowd.

I want to give thanks to people who've been with me no matter which path I choose to take. People who give me the shimmering glimpse of hope whenever I felt down and devastated. I know that I'm not perfect, with all the decisions that I've made in my entire life. Decisions that I've made with regret. Friendships that I had decided to let go over the slightest of reasons, like jealousy. I wanted to be better, but when I knew that I'll never be better than someone, I'll hit that auto-pilot button and abandon that flight that I'm in. Thinking about it now, I've made horrible changes to the people that surround me. Mistakes that can never be undone.

Putting aside the negative thoughts, like what I've said, I really want to give thanks to the people who have tolerated my craziness and the random thoughts that I carry every single day. I know that sometimes I may be extremely blur with things, but all of you put up with me and still included me in all your events. I really appreciate the fact that all of you never left me behind over anything. I'm becoming an OGL next year. And I feel blessed with the great company that I have right now, even though I have not been attending a lot of meetings due to my intern-ship. But all of you still embraced me as part of our family.

Tomorrow's my very first Christmas celebration at a friend's house. I'm never really invited for any Christmas events. Maybe this is because I'm usually overseas during this period of the year, or that my family doesn't really take Christmas seriously. It's just usually another day in most of our lives, with just another family dinner at night. Perhaps I've been taking the things around me for granted once again. Taking my family and the things that they do for me every single time, without lamenting, for granted. It's really a blessing, to have meals with your cousins and catch up with each other every single week. And it's amazing because we still have common topics to talk about despite our large age-difference. It's like my cousins really understand me, from the bigger things like knowing what to get for me during celebrations without asking me to the smallest of things like knowing my likes and dislikes.

Anyway, NYJC, like what I've mentioned in some of my previous posts, has been really a new home for me. I'm really grateful for the new friends that I've made this year, starting with the awesome Chanan 7, my 1320 kids, ODAC-ians, Chang-a-langs and the Novus family. We sure had our ups and downs, but we still stood with each other at the end of the day. I'm glad to know that all of us promoted, and that we'll be able to spend another fulfilling and meaningful year together.

This time, I wanna set things right. I wanna spend the last few days of 2013 to correct as much of the wrongs that I've done this year, to set myself at the right direction for 2014. It's time to mend some fading friendships and catch up with those whom I haven't been in touch with for a long time.

Oh, and Merry Christmas to all you readers out there (:.

Your face is all that I see.

I close my eyes, and I can see a better day.

Someone Who Cares.

Shining like stars,
we're so beautiful.

Sometimes the world's against us for any reason she can think about. And no matter what we do, or no matter what we say, their perspectives will almost entirely remain the same. It's like it has become a custom for people to have disgust and disdain smacked right onto their faces when they look at you, or reveal that look of disbelief whenever word has come around that you have (finally) did something great. I kinda regret growing up, as it makes me meet fewer people who actually cares about you. The part about having fake friendships? Yeah that's included in the package of growing up. Sometimes I wish that I could have held on more to certain friendships, and not having to face awkward moments in the future when they try to catch up with you and you have absolutely nothing to share with them. It's like being in that moment when you both know that the friendship can no longer be renewed. I hate those moments, but I've been having a lot of them recently.

I feel really helpless sometimes. I've been talking about these friendship crap for ages and nothing I've done managed to prevent any of those bullshit from occuring. I wanna start the conversation sometimes, but I'll always get the feeling of disturbing or even irritating them whenever the thought of catching up comes to my mind. I don't want history to repeat again. But history has taught me to stop fighting. To stop fighting for friendship that I don't deserve. It taught me that if someone wishes to leave, there's no point asking him to stay. There's no point in holding on if the other side wants to let go.

I kinda like the state I'm in now. I don't have many friends, but I know who are my true ones. The ones who have stayed with me all these while. The ones who will continue to stay by my side no matter the decisions I'll be making. It feels kinda great, knowing that someone is able to write a thousand-word essay to describe how wonderful I am. I never knew that I was that much of a good friend. But now I know. And I've found another person who cares :).

We'll be shooting stars just passing by.

Choose Your Battles.

I am not fighting anymore.

People come, people go. Only some will stay in our lives. It's hard to determine who are the ones that will be staying when you're just friends with them for a short period of time. But time doesn't mean anything. 4 years of friendship can crumble at your feet just when you least expect it. Sometimes we make wrong decisions. Decisions of holding on or letting go. Holding on to someone who treats you like crap and doesn't even notice your existence. Letting go of somebody who you have taken for granted all these while.

So I guess it's true eh? Be careful for what you wish for, because it may come back and bite you hard. Sometimes I really wish for things to be quiet, but not this quiet. I honestly thought that I have taken some people for granted this year, despite attempting to appreciate the things around me more. Maybe I'm really an attention seeker. I like to have conversations going on, and on, and on. It's like I'd feel depressed if I didn't receive a single text message or whatsapp from anyone these days. Maybe I just don't wanna be forgotten or maybe, I don't wanna be left out. That's what I've been feeling these days. Don't get me wrong, I've been practically out of my house for about half of my holidays. But there are times when I felt that I could be included in invitations for outings or events, even if I couldn't make it. At least that'll make me feel not left out. But this feeling of solitude is coming back, and I don't want it to come back, even if that's the right kind of feeling for me.

I've grown so much this year. Thinking about it, I used to have a negative perspective of life last year, when things started to slowly accelerate and take off like a jet plane, before crashing down. I had no clue on how to deal with minute matters, let alone problems. I've been basically alone for the entire year, except for the two people who have been seating beside me all along. Maybe that's the reason why I treat them as my good friends, no matter how much they disappoint me. They were there for me, no matter how things turned out. I'm starting to appreciate the little things in life, but that might also have made me a little more depressed because I'm also starting to notice the missing pieces of my life. The holes and damages that I've inflicted on myself all along. The alternatives that I could've taken if I had seen things from a different point of view. There are just so many things that could've turned out differently if only I had the self-control and had the mind-over-matter attitude. My heart always tells me what I want, but not what I should do. Maybe I should develop my hard-hearted character soon. Maybe that's the only way out after all.

I guess I'm feeling a little awkward with people around me these days. Maybe because I have already been left out and drifted away from them for too long. It's hard for me to catch up and share the same frequency as them. Maybe I should just let go of this fragment of the past and move on with my life, like what I've done before.

If you wanna go, then go.

If you wanna stay, then stay.

I'm really tired of thinking. Thinking about what I could've done to make things different. Thinking about all the friendships that I have and had. I honestly feel that the distance between my friends and I is getting further each day.

For me, there's an extremely thick line between being rude and teasing others. But that was downright and plain disrespectful. Congrats. You've successfully made me angry and lose every single bit of respect I had for you. You know, I was kinda planning to abuse my authority to you in the future, but if I did that, I would have stooped down to your disgusting level.

Ahh. I'm losing faith now. It seems everything around me has changed so drastically in such a short period of time. I feel left out once again and I don't know why. But I guess that it may be better to be alone than to be accompanied, since you don't have to worry about others in the first place. And I worry a lot.

And I think I gotta start keeping my emotions in check once again. I'm starting to feel angry more frequently and become very irritated over the slightest of things. I think that I'm thinking too much, especially the part about what others think of me.

Monster.

I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed.
Get along with the voices inside of my head.



Monsters. We all have monsters in us, whether or not it's in our characters or even on our bodies. Monsters are everywhere. In fact, many monsters come with a time bomb.They will only reveal themselves when the clocks stop ticking, and unleash their inner evil to everyone else. And in that moment, we'll only have three options to choose from. To choose whether you want to embrace, run from, or resist the evil unleashed at you.

I chose to run, and I'm still running.

Some do drugs, others go out for a run, but at the end we’re all just searching for that tiny space, perhaps a hole, that gives us shelter from the terrible reality of the world.

- Unknown (taken from Rebekah's blog)

Sometimes the chains you inflict on yourself simply isn't enough.

未来的道别。

我根本配不上你。
我会尽量忘记所有跟你有关的记忆,
把你戒掉。
可能是因为你还不知道事实吧,
但我很感激你一直肯跟我聊天,
让我开心一阵子。
对不起,
我可能不会实现我曾经对你说过的话,
让你失望了。
我们可能连朋友也不能当了。
但是,
我要你知道,
如果一天,
我真的决定从你的生命中离开的话,
请你原谅我,
也尊重我的决定。

我祝福你们俩。

我很想寂寞一下,
让自己静一静。
也许寂寞会让我感到更好,
让我回到以前的我。

Gone, gone, gone.

I wish I could deal with these insecurities.

Sometimes I feel like I should have said the words. So that I wouldn't be feeling any regret right now. But there are also times when I tell myself not to utter a single word, because I know that I will regret it the moment this friendship crumbles, just like the many others in the past. I should be feeling happy, even when I'm not, because I know that you're contented. I know that you have made your decision and it's probably good that you've stuck with it for the past few months. Maybe you're right, even when you don't notice it. It's probably better if you pick him over me. I'm the type of person who's still afraid, afraid to fall for someone. A person who is still unwilling to cross that line and make an extra mile for you. A person who is still shy of expressing his feelings. A person who still have scars all over his heart.

It was a fruitless uphill battle after all. I would never take the extra mile for you. I wish I would, but I wouldn't. I guess I didn't know him after all. I don't have anything compared to him. He's buff, handsome and maybe treats you well. You know him much longer and even better than compared to me. And most importantly, there's chemistry between you two. But me? I have nothing. Nothing at all, maybe just wild hopes and dreams. I place myself first, before anyone else. I don't think that I would come personally to your house just to wish you happy birthday when I have my As the next day. And even though I don't, I only wished you. That's all. I'm not good enough, and I think that I'll never be good enough. I like you, but maybe I don't love you enough.

And here I am, posting my feelings on this blog that you'll never have access to. Feelings that you'll never know because the coward in me has held me back throughout the past few months. Maybe moving on was an easier option after all, instead of holding on. It's hard to snap apart these heartstrings, but I promise that I'll do my best to cut them.

Maybe we can never be friends again because it may be better for us if we don't speak at all and for you to continue to be blinded by this fact forever. Maybe, but I'll see what I can do. I know that it wouldn't hurt that bad, since you weren't exactly my close friend to begin with. But it'll still hurt, and I'll see what I can do.

All love ever does is break,
and burn,
and end.

Prism.

You take me to utopia.

I've been feeling exceptionally happy this week. I don't know why, but it seems like there's confetti and butterflies everywhere I go. Maybe it's the hour-long conversation that we had, or the crazy PW sessions that I've been having this week. I have not been feeling down at any point of the week and that's good. It seems like November's starting with a positive note! 

I feel high, like really high. It's like I'm too high to care nowadays. Whenever my friends try to tease me or make me feel jealous, I don't have the feel of caring. It's like I'll just say "I don't really care" and simply brush it off my shoulders. Maybe it's a good thing, because I feel ecstatic about it!

Anyway, I've bought "Prism" last week and it has been great so far! I kinda like all the songs inside the album, even though I feel that "Teenage Dream" was definitely a better album because "Prism" lacks the humor and excitement that "Teenage Dream" delivers. But it's still a great album to listen to! Been jamming to it all day whenever I'm at home playing LoL or the XBox.

Bought Final Fantasy XIV: A Realm Reborn recently and I'm starting to regret it. It feels like WoW, but the graphics of WoW is so much better, and the controls are a little confusing for me ><. Maybe it's just me hating these types of MMORPG games on PC, but I don't really think that the game is worth $45. I honestly expected more from it, especially when it's the continuation of a series.

Anyway, I gotta sleep now. It's almost midnight, and I'm meeting my PW mates tomorrow! All the best for all of you out there taking PW for your OP (:

When I look back,

never would have known that.

Who Am I Living For.

I need the strength to handle the pressure.

Sometimes I feel lost inside, lost without a sense of direction. I don't really know where I'm headed to, or which path I should take. I'm starting to feel like a robot or an experiment, which only lives to serve a purpose. I've been given lectures on what I should do, because they claim that they know what I want. Yes, I want to have jobs that give me the highest practical returns. Jobs with high incomes. But I don't want to work with a career that I have absolutely no interest in.  I can't believe that I've actually said yes to attending a computer programming course. They don't get it, no matter what I say. I like being the consumer, but not the producer. I don't wanna be the one under fire for all the weird IT things. But yeah, I couldn't say no. And now my holidays are as busy as hell. I'm kinda looking forward for the work attachment programme, but I hate it when my CCA teachers give me a shit load of work to do. And worst of all, I don't even know whether the proposals will become reality at the end of the day, because they've been backing out from it at the last moment.

Anyway, my parents just came home from their two-week Europe trip and I'm glad that they chose to travel during this period even though I'm still kinda angry at them for not bringing me along. It's like my life have been so filled with PW that I spend only minimal amount of time at home. And even when I'm home, there's always some PW assignments to complete. There's not even enough time for me to rest,  let alone interact with them, during the submission of wr period. OP seems pretty relaxing for my group, because almost everything is already completed by the first dry run. But still, I'm pretty pissed off with some of my groupmates. It's like, the actual OP is only a few days away and she books all of her weekends just to study with her boyfriend to motivate him for his As. And there's this guy who have been practically slacking throughout the entire PW cycle. Sigh. The only reason why I like my PW sessions so much is because it's usually with my two other groupmates and we usually crap a lot, but at least we get our things done.

It's kinda cool bringing them to my house for PW, because the amount of fun that they bring to my home is enormous. They remind me of the things in my neighbourhood that I usually take for granted, like having a park right below my house, a swimming complex just 5 min away and having like 4 coffee shops/hawker centres that sell the most amazing food and the infamous "dick" rice (only 1320 gets this). I wonder why I used to hate bringing people to my house in the past if I had known that it would have been this fun. The koi bets, the teasing and the phone hacking.

Moving on, I've signed up to be an OGL! I don't really know whether my application would be accepted because I am not really a high person, but I hope that I'm given a chance to be one! I'm hoping that I don't screw up and that my OG would be as bonded as Chanan 7 ^^. Man. I kinda miss all of them. They were like the first 20 friends in NYJC and I'm like only keeping in touch with 3 of them, even though our WA group is still quite active. Gotta plan an outing for all of us to meet up again, after Nithya and Hong Jin finish their As!

Oh yeah, and November is cominggg. Can't wait for the month to actually arrive! It's going to be a relaxing once OP ends and there will be many more opportunities to hang out with my family and friends! And this also means that I'll be 17 soon! Haha. Can't wait for the day to come!

Hmmm. It's kinda late, so I guess I'll be signing off now. Adios!

I can see the heavens,
but I hear the flames calling out my name.

Grief.

"According to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, when we're dying or have suffered a catastrophic loss, we all move through five distinct stages of grief. We go into denial because the loss is so unthinkable we can’t imagine it’s true. We become angry with everyone, angry with survivors, angry with ourselves. Then we bargain. We beg. We plead. We offer everything we have, we offer our souls in exchange for just one more day. When the bargaining has failed and the anger is too hard to maintain, we fall into depression, despair, until finally we have to accept that we’ve done everything we can. We let go. We let go and move into acceptance.
Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn't just death we have to grieve. It's life. It's loss. It's change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That's how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive. By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won't feel this way. It won't hurt this much. Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can't control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away."

- Grey's Anatomy

I don't even know which stage I am at. 

By The Grace Of God.

There was no other way.

I've always liked Katy Perry. Her honesty and emotions from her songwriting reaches out to me. This song is conpletely relatable to me, because I've been in that position before. Whether or not to make an ultimatum with things and decide to hide away from all your problems for good. Deciding whether or not it was still worth living in this world. We both have friends who reprimanded our cowardice and supported us to bounce back up. Friends who would check about you every single day during that period of depression. They were the ones who handed you a mirror and gave you a thousand reasons why you should stay. And true enough, they were the friends worth keeping.

Sigh. It's either make or break today. I don't know if I am going to promote or not, because I don't really feel confident for them. My old friends say that I'll do well, like how I always do. But everthing seems different now. I'm easily distracted now, obssessed with things that I shouldn't be caring about in the first place. Busy imagining stories that will never come true. Busy holding on to the past and the mistakes that I've made. For those who know me, I apologize a lot, even for the slightest things. I'm too afraid to cause any more hurt and grief to others. It's my history that molded me this way. I'm afraid to lose any more people who are close to me. It was only a year ago when I had this tendency of shoving people away from my life and having too high expectations for those who stayed.  I was so called a loner, and I made myself that way. And now, I've changed. I'm now trying my best to make sure that everyone stays in my life, ensuring that nobody becomes the one that got away. Maybe it was the lowered expectations or the friends I've met this year that made me change. But honestly, I don't even know whether I like this change. Yes, I seem happy, but I don't feel happy. I no longer have anyone to talk to comfortably anymore without thinking that the other person is judging me or find me irritating, maybe except Jue Ying. Sometimes I feel that she's the real reason why I should stay in Nanyang. Don't get me wrong, the people here are nice. Like really nice. But I just don't have anyone to talk comfortably with.

I tried. But sometimes the best you have simply isn't enough. I've been fabricating this story all this while without even realising it. All the sweet dreams and imagination, they're all just made up and they make you cross the line. I wish I could just shrug and simply delete everything away, but I can't. Because all those fantasies will rush into my head regularly, reminding me about you. Reminding me of the things that I should have done. Reminding me of what a failure I am.

I really wanna get promoted. I've already planned out what I will be doing during the holidays. A work attachment programme for a month, LTC outings, choir clique outings, planning of cca timeline for 2014, family dinners twice a week and of course, gaming. I'll be adding workout sessions three times a week too. Everything is basically mapped out and all I got to do is to arrange the pieces. I don't want my results to be the wet blanket. I don't want it to foil my plans. I don't want to be delivered with the bad news of retaining on my birthday. I like being 16, and I want it to end with a good note. I want my birthday to be spent like how I spent mine last year. A day of tranquility at home sleeping with a dinner with my friends outside. But it looks like that will not be possible since there is school that day.. I wanna be at peace on that day. Nothing else.

Sigh. No matter what happens, I've already did my best, even though that's what losers usually say. I gotta find some way to ease the disappointment later, even if that means that I would be in denial. Any method will do as long as it works.

Anyway, all the best for those receiving back their results later, and my juniors who are taking their big O's!

I looked in the mirror, and decided to stay.

Naked.

Can't go anywhere.

Sometimes I wish that it was easier. Easier to run, easier to shy yourself away from reality. Easier to master the art of letting go. I hate life. Not my life, but life in general. Why can't we all be hard hearted and do whatever we want. We would have no emotions holding us back, and we may feel free. Free to do anything we want. 

Sometimes I wish that I can take back the words said. Sometimes I wish that you can be my friend again somehow, even though we messed up. I guess that made me hate telling people about my personal stuff and treating others as my close friends. But even so, it still feels like something is amiss whenever I talked to my close friends. None of my friends understood me as well as you did, well perhaps except for Adeline and Jue Ying. . Sigh. It's useless typing in this blog,  knowing that you don't have access to it. But I wish you knew, somehow.

Anyway, it's not easy to toy with someone without being lost in the game. But yet everyone seems to do it one way or another. We put on masks everyday, to hide ourselves away from the truth, to conceal our true characters. We tell so many lies just to leave them on that we're tangled in them. And slowly, what you are will no longer be what you wanna be. Because those lies, they mold you. They contribute to your character, to who you are.

None of us remain naked inside. We all have masks, and it'll just be a matter of time before they are removed.  A matter of time before being exposed. And that can mean either redemption, or the end of the road.

Hmm. I'm having this weird craving for the clay pot rice that is sold opposite PP CC. And it's like 3 am now. ): Anyway, the official WR deadline is today.  I really hope that everything goes well because I really want that A, especially after the days staying back in school until late at night with my group mates editing it. I just hope that it'll be worth it in the end, for all the hard work put in.

There's a heartbreaking chill running through my bones.

Same Trailer... Different Park.

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
Jack burned out on booze and pills.



I thought that she was a nobody. I thought that she was just some person to fill up the spaces for the different categories in the CMA Awards. But I was wrong, and I'm glad that I'm wrong. This has got to be this year's best country song so far. It's a masterpiece. Catchy tunes, deep lyrics and accompanied with a simple arrangement. This song reminds me of one of the many reasons why I like country music so much.

Mary had a little lamb,
but Mary just don't give a damn.

Feel Again.

Is there anything to put me back on the map?

If you could make a choice, which path would you take? The road to the light, or the one that leads to darkness? Many would pick the road to light. Many would choose this path because they would want to be able to see the things that they want. But me? I'll choose the path to darkness.

They say darkness is due to the absence of light. But I don't believe so. I want to be able to see the things that I want. But I don't want to be able to see everything. I'd rather be blinded with darkness and hope for the best to happen, instead of meeting the harsh reality to know that someone/something has stabbed you hard at your back. This is because even when I'm hurt, I'll still continue this impression that it's just my enemy that's inflicting damage to me, and not my friends. To be granted with the light to see spoils this impression. It dampens the mood when the 'unexpected' happens. I choose to be ignorant of my surroundings, because I know that I'll be happy. At least for now, if it can't last forever.

Darkness brings fear. And fear is good, because that means that you still have something to lose. Something that is still worth to you. And that means that even when you're at the lowest point of your life, or even at your breaking point, there's still something to hold on to. Someone to count on, when your world's crashing down at your feet.

When you're living in darkness, there's much to be expected. Maybe that's the reason why I've changed so much. Maybe that's the reason why I choose to be oblivious to my surroundings. The reason why I choose to be a dreamer, instead of a do-er. Of course, if you're living in this kind of life, it's good to have faith in something. Faith that everything is going to be alright again.

But I don't. I tried to believe in something, but it didn't work out for me. I only believe in my senses. I only place my faith on things that I can see, touch and feel. Maybe seeing is deceiving, but that is all I got. Something practical to rely on when all else fails.

It sucks only to be the second choice. To be only remembered when you are needed for something and be forgotten when there's something better out there. Maybe it's because of the things I did, but I hate what I'm seeing/hearing right now. I feel left out, from the group that I used to be in. But I can't do anything about it. I deserve feeling this way, for everything that I've done. How I wished I could have my voice back, to say my own opinion about things. But I guess I'm at no position now. Sucking it all up seems to be the only option remaining.

Sometimes what we're going through is just a mere a illusion of the real battle we're fighting.

Broken Wings.

Who I am, is not who I wanna be.

Sometimes I wish that I could be like others.  Self-restrained and calm when faced with problems, being able to draw the line of personal and work matters and have the commitment and perseverance to complete tasks. At least they're not as panicky as me, being too involved and emotionally connected with things that I shouldn't be. I hate the moments when my emotions get the better of me and I say or do things that hurt others one way or another.  Sometimes I feel like a timebomb, waiting to explode any minute. I've tried my best to suppress all the craziness and negative emotions in my head, but I can feel them coming back now stronger than ever. I don't want things to happen like last year, the days when I made stupid tantrums over stupid details, getting jealous over the slightest things. I wanna be changed, but I am clinging on to something and I don't know anything about it.

Ignoring people isn't a way to change things. I got to remember that.  It only makes me a runner, to ease the urge a little. But sometimes, it's the only way to prevent yourself from exploding when you know that that party has nothing to do with it.

Anyway, i've just realised that my blog posts have been getting slightly moody these days. That may be because I didn't have much time to reflect about what I truly felt during the past few weeks. But just to light up the mood a little, my parents got me a new phone and diablo 3 on my xbox! I'm really happy for receiving these gifts, but sometimes i wonder whether I am really deserving these gifts or not..

With every move I die.

Creep.

I don't belong here.

I can't feel what's real anymore.  Everything seems so surreal. My mind's been drifting off to other places again. Places that it shouldn't be in. I think that I am going insane, for doing the things that make me depressed repeatedly. Something's wrong with me these days. I don't feel me anymore, at least not now.

I'm thinking way too much again. I don't know why this keeps happening, but it has to stop.  I need to remind myself every single time that not everything is within my control. That's one of the main reasons to like growing up, to be accountable to someone else other than yourself and your parents, despite the shit that you'll face. That's because you'll have more control over things and get to worry less about them, since you'll be the one handling them most of the time.

I want moments to sink in, just like how they did in the past. I need to feel real and genuine emotions again. Not those which can be whipped up in a matter of seconds. Crying myself to sleep isn't genuine, especially when you don't know what your tearing for.

Promos are finally over, but I don't really feel the hype. Come to think of it, I feel extremely empty on the inside.  I don't really know what's up with me lately, because my actions and thoughts have been weird. Suicidal thoughts have been coming up in my mind recently. I've been imagining how the world would be a better place without me and wondering who would be there for my funeral if I really do pass away. I feel really disconnected with the world right now. It feels like I'm drifting away from all of my classmates. It seems so sudden to have that social barrier between us whenever I start the conversations. It just feels really awkward these days. I feel unfulfilled, because I don't really know what's the route to take right now especially when the promos are over. There's no goal in mind anymore, and that kinda sucks. There's nothing to work for anymore. 

Even if I am the brokenhearted,
I won't cry, I don't wanna hear goodbye.
But either way I'll be alright.

Pretty.

Till you put me down.

I feel pretty. Not the beautiful kind on the outside nor the inside, but really dead inside. I feel pretty messed up. It has only been a week since I last blogged and I've already made lots of decisions. Decisions that I know will make me regret sooner or later at one point of my life, when the harsh reality knocks me hard in the head again. I've been working really hard for my promos. Like really hard. The amount of effort put in is so much more compared to Os. I've been clocking in at least 5 hours a day on my revision for the past few weeks. But will it be enough for me to promote, let alone achieve my desired goals? It's no use saying that you feel confident for certain subjects, when you know that your GP sucks real bad. What's worse is that you can't do anything now to improve it. I know the topics that are coming out, but what use will that be? I don't even know my mistakes for that subject, let alone correct them.

I'm pretty much done. I am already losing faith before the battle starts. I feel like giving up, resigning myself to retain this year. There's nothing much that I can do now. Absolutely nothing. I know that things weren't the way they were supposed to be, particularly how sucky my gp teacher is, but I wished that there was something for me to do to change this fact. Something to make me believe that there'll be a rainbow after this storm. Something for me to look forward to. At least, something.

Chemistry and Maths. I feel pretty confident for both of them to get at least a B. But I want so much more.. I want the As, but they seem too far away from me to achieve. Physics has been disastrous. I am really hoping that I'll be able to derive the necessary equations and answer the questions appropriately because passing it seems too unrealistic for me already.

I just hope that the amount of effort put in won't make me regret in the future if I retain.

It's never enough.

Skyscraper.

Go on and try to tear me down,
'cause I will be rising from the ground.



Falling down is tough. Falling apart is worse. It's like everything around you has shattered into pieces, and there's no chance of recovering it. It's difficult to see yourself at your worst, especially when you have high-esteem and view yourself as the best. It's bad enough to be ordinary when you're extraordinary, let alone being un-ordinary. It sucks to know that in that moment, you're a defect, a disappointment or a reason to be angry about. It may not last, but the negativity generated from it will always remain.

It may seem like a bad thing, to crumble into pieces and thinking that the world's gonna be over for you. But it will also let you know your true friends. Friends who'll still there to catch you when you fall. Friends who'll still be there even when all odds are against you. Friends who'll be there to pick up the pieces and help you to bounce back up.

I really appreciate my family and friends, especially those who've been with me through all the shit in life.

Home is where the heart will always be.

Couldn't Find the Words to Say.

Some things are better left unsaid.

I'm not sorry that it's over, but for the way we let it end.

It's Sunday already. Sigh. It's the end of my 'free' week to mug. I hope that I'll be ready for it, because I'M STILL NOT. Halfway done with Chemistry, Physics and Maths. Barely started with Econs and not even started with GP. I wish that I'll be able to play the trump cards in my hands properly this time round, because things didn't really go too well for my mid-years. I'm expecting As for Chemistry and Maths and I hope that I won't be too complacent like last time and mess things up. Getting Bs for them is like being second, the first loser. I gotta focus on Physics and Econs, and most importantly, GP. I don't wanna be retained. Watching your friends move up and looking at yourself staying at the same level is definitely not a good thing. Getting looked down by teachers and even your juniors, who will be your level-mates is even more horrifying. I gotta step it up now. It's make or break, and I gotta do this.

I can heave a sigh of relief though. It feels good knowing that you have faithfully done all of your tutorials, even though you've been dozing off during lectures. Tutorials are more important. At least they made me understand the concepts taught during the school year. It'll not be that hard recalling all of them back, but it's hard to overcome my laziness. There are things that I wish I can undo, and turn it all around again. To squeeze more time for some other undone things. But it's too late now. The choices made to play and laze around are the ones that I've made for myself. I'm just hoping that I can continue to stick to my study plan and focus more on my weaker subjects.

I'm planning to skip school, just to spare myself more time to mug. I might do that in Week 2, when all the (useless?) revision lectures come in. I really need more time, but the study break that the school's giving us is way too little. Well, at least I'll only need one more week to cover all my content before starting on exam papers, but still... If only I had more time. If only I had a dose of reality earlier. If only.

School's opening tomorrow. And all the distractions are going to come back at me. I don't know whether I'll be distracted during lectures, especially during Chemistry. I don't know whether I'll just continue sleeping during GP Tutorials because of the thought that they will continue to be entirely useless to me.

It's quite scary, knowing that in 2 weeks time, I'll unofficially become a J2, a senior in the school. It's scarier to start the countdown to 'A's once that happens. It's going to be way worse than promos, but I can't even keep up to the pace of promos. Oral Presentation for PW. What if I mess it up? I'm not very good at public speaking/ making speeches. I just hope that I'll have something to channel all of my focus on, just like how I do it every single time in choir. I really want that A. It'll be a confidence booster, for all of the hard work that I've put in.

The year's really ending quickly. I can still vividly remember coming back to Singapore from HK at the start of this year, going to Taiwan after getting my results and entering NYJC for the very first time as a student. I remember my Chanan 7 kids, the awkward moments with 1320 during orientation and choosing another CCA path by entering ODAC. How I became President and have been blessed with the opportunity to participate in the annual LTC and meet amazing people there.

Of course, there were mistakes made and lessons learnt. There were times that I should've raised my opinion and spoken up, so that things wouldn't turn out to be the way they are now. I feel really stupid recalling all the excuses I've made up for not doing so then. It's only been a while, and they've become so insignificant already. There were times when I felt bad over things and did not have the courage to change them.

I shouldn't be so judgemental at times. Maybe I'm the root cause of a particular social divide. I should've just kept my comments to myself. I feel really bad for starting it and causing some damage to everything in one way or another. They say it's not my fault to begin with, but I shouldn't have added fuel to the fire, to make things worse. First impressions. They're just first impressions. I'm really glad that most of them changed, especially for those who are in 1320. I used to think that we will never be bonded and stuff, because everyone seemed so selfish and self-centered then, but I'm glad that I'm proven wrong.

I'm a true believer in karma. What goes around definitely comes back around, in one way or another. But no matter how it comes, you'll find yourself stuck in the very spot of how you treated others then. It'll be a painful lesson to learn.

There are also apologies that I should make, but I haven't mustered enough courage and swallowed enough pride to say them. Maybe some day I will, but I hope that day is coming up fast. I don't want to have regrets when my birthday comes.. I wanna be 17 with a clear conscience, and not stuck with 16 for all the wrong reasons.

There's only 14 days left to the first paper. I gotta make full use of the time left.

When your mind starts blowing.

Halcyon.

It's going to be better.

I remember my life- young, carefree and wild. I miss the times when I could literally do whatever I desired and have anything that I wanted.

The days when Abel, Benedict and I would go to each other's house everyday just to play our pokemon toys and create storylines for every single creature. The days when we still had time to let our imagination run wild, and think of even the weirdest storylines ever. I really miss them- both the memories and the people I've met.

I hate how the society changes us as we grow up. I hate growing up, as it meant that we'll be tasked with more responsibilities. I hate being in charge of something, because I'll always have this fear of not getting things done perfectly and start to worry about all the insignificant things that don't really matter. I hate being taught on how to infer and to read between the lines, as it makes people think more, and overthink on even the slightest things. I hate wearing this mask everyday whenever I am seeing my friends. It's tiring, trying to fake a smile and pretend that everything's gonna be okay. It's driving me insane, closing one eye on things that may bite me back at my butt one day. One day. We always say that, as it brings a form of uncertainty and ambiguity in our answers. What if the day never comes and we're just overthinking it? What if.

When will I feel peace in my heart again?

You show me how it feels like to be lonely.

Flashlight.

Do you remember when you were so cruel?
When you played the thief and I played the fool.



Ellie Goulding never fails to cheer me up, especially whenever I'm doing Physics. It's worse than Maths, by at least a million times. Teared up damn badly while spending 7 hours on it. It really sucks to know that you're only 20 days away from your promos and you still can't the concepts right. Sigh, gotta leave it alone from tomorrow onwards because I need to start with Chemistry!

Study session with Clare was quite productive though, even though my mind kinda got corrupted by her during the entire 6 hours ><. She's really insane. She asked me to guess someone's birthday. I replied 6/9 November and the first thing that came into her mind was 69 ._. Anyway, I feel really blessed to be still able to catch up with her despite her busy schedule at NJC (:. Turns out I've been kinda outdated on what's going on with my friends. It's sad to know how some relationships get torn apart because of mere jealousy or even a casual remark. It's even worse to know that your close friends are still stuck in the past when the other party has already moved on. Heard many things about Guangyan and Jilene (separately). I mean, I don't really know them well, but I wonder how Clare knows so much when they're like in different schools..

AND I REALLY FEEL PROUD FOR REBEKAH! It's heartening to know that it's still going strong (:

Tracing faces in the sand,
now your dagger's in my hands.

Falling from Grace.

I need to know if I can still make explosions.

The September holidays are finally here (:. I hope that I'll do something productive during this entire week by following the study plan that I've laid out. It's really sad to hear stories of people giving up on their promos when there's still time to save themselves. I wish I could do something to motivate them for the next 21 days, but I need to care more for myself first. Chong Hon's right, people will start striking you if you don't strike them first. I know this may sound unrealistic, but I'm clinging on to this tiny hope of having world peace.

I hope that I don't have to resort to not caring anymore, because I simply can't. Maybe I'll get tired of giving fucks about the things around me. Maybe I'll give up on them someday. But now, I won't. I know I won't.

Anyway, I'm going to study with Clare today. Really miss the PP friends! I remember the days when we would go home everyday together with Louis. If only time can rewind and replay all the memories again. Actually, it should, since we all had the same raw score of 9! But Clare PS-ed us for NJC ):

Sorry for the abrupt ending. Gotta do some Maths now ><.

From the day you wake up needing somebody.

When 69 meets 40.

Before you hit the highway, you better stop for gas.
There's a fifty in the ashtray, in case you run short of cash.
There's a map and here's a bible, if you ever lose your way.
Just one more thing before you leave,
don't forget to remember me.

Bad Decisions.

It will never be something better.

I should've thought carefully before going down that route. It was a bad decision, and yet I still did nothing to make amends. I feel stupid, for going down the same route even though I already knew that it was wrong. Regrets. Did I think of them when I proceeded on? I hope that the reason behind this decision is still as convincing as before. It's really too late to turn back now, since the route has faded. There's nothing to guide me back now.
Lies. I've made so many of them to cover up the rationale behind this bad decision. Friendships. I've torn so many of them that it's almost impossible to start anew. Sometimes I really wonder whether coming to NYJC is really the best choice for me to start afresh, to start a new chapter of my life all over again. The environment, teachers and friends I've met over the last 8 months were great. I couldn't have asked for a better replacement. But these memories of the past make me dread going to school. Sometimes I really wonder whether I should have just heeded my Mum's advice and go straight for ACJC. It's far, but it may be better for me even though there are rumors about the social divide there.
Sigh. I should really stop thinking too much. It'll only create problems that never existed in the first place, just like what happened in the past. I should pay closer attention to my surroundings, because my mind's been drifting off someplace else whenever I'm with my friends and even when they're talking to me. I need my mind to be back at Earth whenever I am doing something and not hovering around in some other realm.
Or maybe I should just shut the world out and be left alone. Maybe it'll be better for everyone. I don't wanna inflict hurt anymore. And it's just a matter of time before I do again.

There's no map for me to find my way back anymore.

Second.

The whole point of games is that there is a winner, a first place. You want a second-best surgeon operating on you? No, you want the very best. And second best is mediocre and to settle for mediocrity is.. is frankly a sign of self-loathing and sub-standard work ethnics.
-Christina Yang

Let's face it. Being second place is just like being the first loser. It's either you're first, or you're nothing.

Treasure.

You're the only one I need.

Time. It comes and goes, just like the wind. I think that even though it is usually an ass, it's still a treasure to me. All of us need time to do things, to interact with one another or even to sleep. It's too bad that there're people like me who are professionals at wasting it away.

It's 11:32 at night now and I still have many work undone. Econs Essay Outline, questions for Chemistry Consultation, Thermal Physics and the clinic worksheets. Wanted to complete revising AP GP today, but I guess it'll be impossible for me to do so now.. Looking at the bright side though, I think that I am becoming better with Physics, thanks to the extra 'clinic' sessions that Miss Lim conducts just for us (:.

I really admire teachers like her. Teachers who would willingly squeeze out time for their students to clarify their queries and misconceptions without expecting anything in return. Yeah, we may take them for granted and choose to believe that it is part of their job scope for them to do so. But many, or in fact, all of them have personal lives to tend to as well.

Teachers are our role models. But that doesn't mean that they're perfect. To human is err, and they're humans too. They may have pissed us off with the countless nagging sessions or the tremendous pile of homework that they dish out every single time, but they only do it because they care. They have feelings too. Which teacher in the right mind would receive waves of ecstasy scolding/torturing their students? None.

So as we burn the midnight oil and hope that the sun doesn't come up quickly, let us take some time off to show our appreciation for them. It doesn't have to be done by expensive gifts or by cards. A simple acknowledgement/recognition will do. Think about it. When was the last time you thanked your teacher when he/she helped you in one way or another?
Be honest about it. If you can't recall it, start now and begin again.It's not too late yet.

Putting the sentimental note aside, I think that I am starting to see the light for pw (:. Despite all the dramas we've been through, I'm really glad to be pw mates with them. (:

Anyway, I gotta go now. Going to conquer that mountain of homework tonight.

Adios.

Because these things can change.

Clarity.

Right before your eyes.
I just had to ask. Now the truth's out and I can't do anything about it. Maybe ignorance is bliss. If I didn't have the urge to ask, perhaps I'll still think that I stood a chance. But now, it's all too late. It sucks to know the things coming from you. It sucks to know that you've lost the war even before it started. The hill's too steep for me to fight in. I guess there's nothing left to say, since everything's been said and done already. It's not right for these feelings to last. I guess the only thing that I've done right is that I didn't confess my feelings for you. At least I'll be spared from the awkwardness whenever I try to talk to you.

My friends. They were right. We could still be friends. It's better to kill these feelings now before they become in too deep.

Picked all my weeds and kept the flowers.

Safe and Sound.

The trumpet line is sooooo... sexy.

What happens if I let it go?

Lights go down.

Damn these walls.

In the moment we're ten feet tall.

It's not like a stab wound you can protect me from.
It's a million little paper cuts everyday.
- Alec Lightwood, City of Lost Souls

Who am I to reprimand when I can't even heed the advice myself. They say that time heals everything, but who am I kidding? I heeded that advice like a naive kid. Left all these wounds for time to heal. Left everything the way they were then. Turns out they were wrong. I feel stupid for placing my faith in time. It can't possibly heal everything, at least not in time. I regret the decisions I've made. What if I took the initiative and continued to look deeper into the situation. What if I took the extra step to ensure this entire friendship won't crumble into pieces. All these 'what ifs' are useless now. It feels terribly awful to see someone as close as a brother fade out from your life. It's even worse to know that nothing you're capable of doing will be good enough to even patch things up again. He was closer to me than my biological brother, but things changed. I regret pulling off that move that day. It's all my fault, but I can't do a single thing to go back in time and turn it back around. 

These scars. They still hurt. They hurt a lot.

To be honest, I don't know whether I truly like you or not. I don't know whether I'm just using you as a tool for my wounds to heal. I just can't set my mind straight right now. All I know is that the sight of you makes me happy. You make me feel really happy, even if it's my brain's playing tricks on me. I don't know whether I should fight this uphill battle or not, because I seem to be at a disadvantage right now. I don't want things to turn out the way they ended up before. I wanna take it slow, but I can't trust time anymore. It sucks being at a loss right now.

I should have seen it coming.

Should have seen it running a long, long time ago.

When the Darkness Comes.

The sky will guide you home.

“Clary, 
Despite everything, I can't bear the thought of this ring being lost forever, any more then I can bear the thought of leaving you forever. And though I have no choice about the one, at least I can choose about the other. I'm leaving you our family ring because you have as much right to it as I do.I'm writing this watching the sun come up. You're asleep, dreams moving behind your restless eyelids. I wish I knew what you were thinking. I wish I could slip into your head and see the world the way you do. I wish I could see myself the way you do. But maybe I dont want to see that. Maybe it would make me feel even more than I already do that I'm perpetuating some kind of Great Lie on you, and I couldn't stand that. I belong to you. You could do anything you wanted with me and I would let you. You could ask anything of me and I'd break myself trying to make you happy. My heart tells me this is the best and greatest feeling I have ever had. But my mind knows the difference between wanting what you can't have and wanting what you shouldn't want. And I shouldn't want you.All night I've watched you sleeping, watched the moonlight come and go, casting its shadows across your face in black and white. I've never seen anything more beautiful. I think of the life we could have had if things were different, a life where this night is not a singular event, separate from everything else that's real, but every night. But things aren't different, and I can't look at you without feeling like I've tricked you into loving me.The truth no one is willing to say out loud is that no one has a shot against Valentine but me. I can get close to him like no one else can. I can pretend I want to join him and he'll believe me, up until that last moment where I end it all, one way or another. I have something of Sebastian's; I can track him to where my father's hiding, and that's what I'm going to do. So I lied to you last night. I said I just wanted one night with you. But I want every night with you. And that's why I have to slip out of your window now, like a coward. Because if I had to tell you this to your face, I couldn't make myself go. I don't blame you if you hate me, I wish you would. As long as I can still dream, I will dream of you. 
_Jace” 

-Cassandra Clare, City of Glass

Been spending most of my free time this week reading the 'The Mortal Instruments'. It has only been a week and I'm already done with three of the books. Teared up while reading a few scenes (including the letter above). Friendships. Will they last even when the entire world turns against you? Where are the moments in life that made you feel that they are going to last? Sometimes I wonder whether I'm living in my own realm of of wonder, or just being delusional for expecting too much. My hopes are starting to scare me. I hate being right all the time. My predictions are  coming true, but I don't want them to happen. I want to be stuck in that moment when things remained the way they were before. But I guess it's too late to turn back to hold onto them now.

Putting the sour note aside, I guess this week's been pretty good for me, apart from the fact that I slept while doing Differentiation on Thursday! Finally managed to understand Circular Motion and G.Field! Gotta tackle Oscillations and Ionic Equilibria this weekend (:. I wish that oscillations were as simple as staring at a pendulum completing one round of its motion. But physics is a bitch. A real bitch. I feel like pointing my middle finger at Newton and ask him to fuck off. He even invented differentiation. That's one hell of a son of a bitch.  I'm getting really sick and tired of doing questions that involve calculations. There are too many of them for me to handle.  

Anyway, I've finally found my motivation to study for promos. ^^. It just struck me that I don't wanna be down for the remedial classes next year for poor promo results. I wanna have as much free time as I possibly can have next year.  I can still make it if I work on one chapter a day. I'm really hoping that this motivation will last for the next 40 days.

I'm starting to like the  music that's coming out this year. Can't wait for Wednesday to come because 'Halcyon Days' is going to be released that day. ^^.

Hidden in the sun.

"Time waits for no man. Time heals all wounds. All any of us can want, is more time. Time to stand up. Time to grow up. Time to let go."
- Meredith Grey

Someday, I will be strong enough.

Wild.

Am I asleep, no I'm alive.

Why am I over-thinking things way too much? I can't let these thoughts get the better of me. I've got to learn how to filter them, and ensure that they don't come out of my mouth or through the words that I type. I hate this part, honestly. Because I can never be absolutely honest with anyone without hurting them. I tried to be frank. I tried to bury my thoughts in somebody, but it backfired hard. I didn't mean to hurt you. But in the end you're still the one offended. Sigh. I gotta know where to draw the line, and when not to cross it. I've got this feeling that you're tolerating me. And you're about to reach your limit. My instincts tell me that I'm irritating someone. But hey, remember the last post? No suspicions/doubts about this friendship. That's what I'm gonna do. No worrying until the truth comes out. No fretting over things that may not be true. That's what I'm supposed to do. There's no point doing things that may ruin this friendship just like the past, when the goal was supposed to be not damaging the friendships at all. I have got to learn to get a grip of myself, especially my mind. Everything will be fine, I hope. It should be fine.

Anyway, putting those negative thoughts aside, Sunday has been great to me. Woke up early just to rush a couple of undone work, before mustering all of my courage to start a conversation with somebody. Even though it ended pretty well, it made me think. Am I going way too fast? Should I take things slower? I don't want this friendship to end just like the ones before it. If I take another step forward, it'll be do or die. But if I don't do anything, I'll just be leaning against the fence, with no benefits or disadvantages. Sigh. I just don't wanna be hurt again, but I'm head over heels over this person.

I guess I'll just leave this until after promos, maybe? It's only about 42 days more before the dreaded GP papers.

On a positive note, I've finally found the chocolate which I've been searching for for YEARS. It's been 5 years since I've last savored it. It was definitely a 15 dollars well spent as it reminded me of all the beautiful memories I had in Europe with the Singing Saints! I miss them, like being a part of musicals and participating in singing competitions. I miss these experiences, and the friendships I've fostered.

Moving on, I've got to manage my time more effectively. 42 days to promos and I'm still slacking. I need a wake up call. A failure in GP is not enough since I've already given up on it. Sigh. That reminds me. I'm supposed to complete an essay that is due tomorrow.

Bye folks!

You keep me moving forward.

I like surrounding myself with negativity.
Because they remind me of all the positive things I have.

All these talks about moving on.
I'm still stuck at square one,
ever since things changed for the worse.
I'm not ready to move on.

Lies.
They were all lies.

Basics. It's always about the basics.

Transition.

Change is coming, and it's our turn now.

Why the hell am I thinking too much, when everything is seems fine?
Everything's flawed, but that's what they're supposed to be.
Nothing, and nobody's perfect.
Maybe I'll live a better life if I stop digging up something negative whenever something happens.

It's great having a talk-pal. It feels the same way I felt before that December. Contented, yet suspicious. Maybe I should set a target for myself. NO suspicions during the course of our friendship. Perhaps that'll be the reason why it may last.

We're all misfits living in a world on fire.

Someday.

Dear friend,

I would do anything I can, just to rewind time back to when we would chat almost every night, on totally random and unrelated topics. I miss those times when we would encourage one another to not give up, to continue fighting in this relentless journey. But now, we don't meet up anymore. We don't even talk. I miss how we used to be friends. I miss our friendship. I miss you.

Tbh, I suck at maintaining friendships. I don't make the effort to keep up with the recent happenings in my friends' lives cos I feel that I'm bothering them. If I want to find out about how my friends are doing, I just wander around their Twitter accounts and such. If they're doing well, it lifts up my mood for the whole day. But if something bad happens, I get moody too. Haha. That's how I am. But if I see my friends doing the same stuff that we used to do together, but now with their new friends, I get affected. A lot. I'm not the only one right?

I know about the rumors. I did make an effort to stop them but it's not easy to shut people up completely. If only you're not bothered about them... But still, I'm sorry for putting you through all these. I'm aware of how uncomfortable you've felt but I chose not to comment on it, for fear of losing you. I tried all ways to keep this friendship going, so that we won't drift and all. Then it hit me. Perhaps, this is only one-sided. Maybe I'm the one who is constantly disturbing you and interrupting your life? Well, if that is so.. I've decided to stop what I'd been doing for the past few months. It's probably much too late to salvage. I promise to never bother you again.

Take care, friend. I wish you all the best.

Credits to Jia En for blogging this emotional post.

Sometimes I wish I didn't know your name. Sometimes I wish that I didn't take the first step to forge this friendship. And now, everything has changed. Bridges were burnt, and lessons were learnt. Maybe it was through this experience that made me change. I've chosen to learn on the fence instead of going to the other side. Sharing things and talking about anything under the sun became the past me. Sometimes, I wish that I could go back to that old kind of me. But it's too late now. I've learnt that expectations only lead to disappointment, not happiness.

Friendships that were supposed to last forever were long gone. I guess that's the reason why I've been choosing in believing in myself, and only myself, because I'm the only one who won't disappoint myself.
Maybe someday I'll start to believe in friendships again.

Who would be there at the end of the day?
Stop lying to yourself.
Comforting won't help.

Lighting up the fire in us.

We're happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time.

Just realized that I've been blogging a lot during the long weekends. Even though they're merely short posts which can be read in like less than a minute, they reflect the different emotions in me. The other sides that I've been afraid to show the world all these years. 

Not saying that I don't, because there are true friends out there which have already seen these sides of me. I'm really glad for their accompany in going through thick and thin with me throughout the past few years. The path that led me here was not easy, but it was all worth it. I don't know whether you guys realize it or not, but if I say that you've been a good friend, you've been really a good friend to me. To be honest, I'm not sure where I'll end up if it weren't for you guys. 

8 months passed by way too fast. Maybe it's the responsibilities/workload that started to pile up on me, or maybe time has started to throw a tantrum and be a dick this year. But no matter what, I want you readers to know that most of you have played a significant part in my life and even if I don't have the time to blog due to the commitments I have, I'll still remember all the things that you guys have done for me, no matter how small they are.

Putting aside all the sentimental stuff, I wanna rage and complain about the music that we have in our world today. Yes, they may be entertaining and catchy. They may be able to describe our heartaches/feelings perfectly. But what about the meaning they bring now? It just faded away .. somehow. I admit that there are songs that still bring meaning, but are they as popular as before? The last song I heard that had actual meaning in it and achieved commercial success was 'Who You Are' by Jessie J, and that was like 2 years ago. As much as I hate to say it, the music world that I like has become more shallow over the years. 

Anyway, I've been trying to deal with a conflict in my PW group. Miss Teng was right. I was merely adding fuel to the fire. I need to learn to control my emotions and just shut the hell up. Should've handled the situation in a better manner. Regardless, PW meeting on Thursday was kinda fun. Managed to achieve everything that we were supposed to do. I think it made us become more bonded, even if there were only the three of us present during the meeting.

Then, I had a meeting/date with JY on Friday. It's kinda motivating to see her once in a while, because she represent some sort of a getaway-from-reality for me. It's awesome seeing her as blur as ever and knowing that we're still supporting each other even though we're like in different classes now.. She's like a 'lil sis to me xD. Anyway, putting aside that note, we still watched a horrible movie. LOL.

And then Saturday was spent with baking cookies with my 1320-mates! Played Big 2 with them also! ^^. Just realized that Alvin kinda acts like Twisted Fate in LoL whenever he plays card games. That is because whenever he throws a card, there will always be a 'Pick A Card' sound effect. Was sad that I had to leave early because I had to study Econs. But it was still a day well-spent with them ^^.

There was nothing special about Sunday, apart from catching up with my never-ending pile of homework. Fell asleep while doing Physics. LOL. That's a first for me, apart from HCL in secondary school. Anyway, just remembered that there'll be Physics SPA this week. All the best for all Physics students! Let's ACE the examinations together!

Moving on, I think that there is like only 40+ days left for promos? Gotta start trying hard and giving it my all for this examination. I've set several goals for myself in preparation for it, which includes sleeping at 2330 LATEST everyday. But it kinda sucks knowing that I've already broken that rule I've set for myself on the first day.

Anyway, gotta go now. Needa catch some sleep!

You make me happy whenever I see you.

Refresh.

Negativity, please go away.
It's time to return to the contented side of me ^^.

I get it now.
I get it.
The things you hope for the most are the things that destroy you in the end.

This is a place where horrible things happen. You were right to go. You’re probably escaping disaster. Look at me. I practically grew up here, and you’re right, it’s hurt me in ways I’ll probably never get over. I have a lot of memories of people. People I’ve lost forever. But I have a lot of other memories too. This is the place where I fell in love. The place where I found my family. This is where I learned to be a doctor. Where I learned how to take responsibility for someone else’s life. And it’s the place where I met you. So I figure this place has given me as much as it’s taken away from me. I’ve lived here as much as I’ve survived here. It just depends on how I look at it. I’m gonna choose to look at it that way, and remember you that way.

Meredith Grey - 'Remember The Time'

There’s a reason I said I’d be happy alone. It wasn’t ‘cause I thought I’d be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It’s easier to be alone. Because what if you learn that you need love and then you don’t have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It’s like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever.

Meredith Grey - 'Unaccompanied Minor'

What’s worse, new wounds which are so horribly painful or old wounds that should’ve healed years ago and never did? Maybe our old wounds teach us something. They remind us where we’ve been and what we’ve overcome. They teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future. That’s what we like to think. But that’s not the way it is, is it? Some things we just have to learn over and over and over again.

Meredith Grey - 'Scars & Souvenirs'

Love Will Remember.

12 months.

That was how long I took to collect the shattered pieces.

Took 6 more months to mend them back.

有时候我觉得自己很傻。

就算我那么坚持，

事情还是会搞到这个地步。

我累了。

时间也到了。

是时候放弃心里的一切，

回到原点。

It was clearly a mistake after all.

Sacrificed this friendship just because of these feelings.

Sigh. But now, it's all over.

I wish that I could do something to heal this friendship between us.

But I can't go back to December and turn it all back around.

Boom, gone.

Yeah, we move on.

Soaring, or falling?

What if everything was just 'what if's? Do we really notice every single detail about the environment that we're living in?

It's hard to take that leap of faith when you know that you may fall, even if it isn't absolute. What happened to risk taking and about everything that has developed you into becoming a better leader?

Over the last four days, the >10 mosquito bites was worth the better me. Strong friendships were fostered, and to be honest, I'll miss every single one of them. Chang has to be one of the best camp groups that I've ever been in in my entire life. All the obstacles and challenges that we faced together with resilience, and all the shit that we've been through. It was tough, but worth it in the end. It was as they were my family throughout the entire duration of the camp. We cared, we shared and we experienced.

My only wish from this camp is that I would be able to keep in the contact with every single one of my chang mates. That is all that matters, at least for now.

Thoughts.

Because someday you'll wake up and discover that all of the mistakes you made were worth it, at least during that moment in time.
Acted a little rash today. I really hope that this does not affect our professional relationship.

Reflection.

I failed once, but I will not fail again. I was granted a new year, a brand new chapter in my life. I'm not going to let this opportunity slip by again. We all had rough starts, but I know that you'll be able to climb back up. These new responsibilities aren't going to break you. They're going to make you stronger. Do your duties as a president well. The first task's already round the corner, but I know that you'll be able to do it well. Don't you ever let your surroundings take control over you. MC, let your heart control your mind no matter what happens during the next one and a half years. Life's good now, so don't do anything stupid that may ruin your life. 

Don't you ever become the monster you once were again.

Seeing is deceiving.

Urgh. It sucks when you're sick and your dearest school principal decides to treat everyone a magnum to commemorate youth day. It sucks even more when you know that you need to have a make-up session for a practical session due to this illness.

Looking at the bright side, I managed to repay my sleep debt ^^. But now, I need to complete the last few questions from my Chemistry tutorial. ):

Lifeline.

Finally found what I'm chasing after.

Motivation. That's what I really need right now. Been real down, but I know I can make it in the end. Just another barrier in my life that I need to overcome. Unbroken, but I'll become stronger. At least strong enough to bounce back up.

Focus and commitment. Those are the things that I'll need soon enough.

Feel Alive.

Sigh. The long weekend's over. Even though it passed quickly, it was well spent. Managed to catch a movie with ikhmah and rebecca on Saturday and am glad to know that they're having fun in their JCs..
Sigh. I really hope that there'll be more long weekends ahead. I'm not ready for school, at least for now. I don't think I'll be ready to embrace my results, no matter how terrifying they may be. I'm not prepared for the stress that is coming up from my different subjects. Why do all good things come to an end? I wish that time can freeze in this moment and let me relive the times when i was actually free and happy.

Results are going to be released tomorrow. All the best to all of us! I'll definitely need all the luck that I can possibly have.. :X

Metamorphosis.

JC life has been hectic, yet fun, for me. It has been an incredible journey in NYJC. Here's to the new friends that I've made, the experiences that we shared together as one and the knowledge that our teachers have passed on to us. It's been great, allowing myself to set free from my troubled social past and move on to the wonderful environment that I've been blessed with.

Maybe it's me just being more content with whatever that I have right now. Maybe it's the lessons learnt in the past that have made me reflect on my actions every single day. But no matter what, I'm glad to have met everyone in my life right now, starting with my fellow OGMs, classmates, CCA-mates and teachers. Life's been tough, with all the tests and exams. But it's encouraging to press on whenever I see my teachers taking the extra mile just to help us in anyway they possibly can. It's motivating to see peers supporting one another in whatever that they're doing. I kinda like the environment here now, free from all the dramas that used to haunt me.

Pour It Up.

Baby don't forget my name,
when the morning breaks us.

Taiwan has been magnificent! I'm still there though, relishing the various snacks and delicacies that this lovely country offers. Ah. The chicken. That has to be my favorite snack here. The succulent fried chicken!

I might type out a proper post to describe my trip to Taiwan, but I'm just going to do a casual post now.. Life's been good recently. I might be a little mad, but I can't wait for orientation! (:. I can't wait to see all my friends from ZH, and make new ones as well. I hope that I'll be able to embrace the new chapter of my life appropriately..

Anyway, I'm planning to be a little bit more active this year ^^. Maybe it's time to kick that lazy ass of mine and start doing something physically instead of giving "moral support" to others which usually mean nothing at all. Oh yeah, I'm planning to lose weight as well. Perhaps I should follow Rowena's suggestion and re-ignite the passion inside me in swimming. That should be on top of my New Year Resolutions list. I should start immediately once I get back.. Maybe once a week, with a standard 10-10-10? Hmm. And I'm seriously considering to boycott choir as my CCA in JC. Maybe 8 years of experience is sufficient for me. I'm still considering my other options, but I'm also deciding whether I should join a music school to have singing lessons. They're a little expensive though.. And I'm afraid that they'll clash with my school schedule ><.

There are lots of things to prepare, especially when I've not attended lessons for about 3.5 months now. Gotta get a new calculator which costs a ton T.T. Putting that aside, I'm glad that I've already found a study partner for the next two years! Got to start brushing up on my GP! I don't even know what themes I should specialise in ><. Ah. Gotta start paying more attention to the things that occur around me. I like globalisation. So I might take that..

Did I mention that I can't wait for orientation? I heard that NYJC's Student Council has already planned it all out, and that it'll be fun (:.

Sigh. Gotta start training my body clock, even though I only need to wake up at 0730 once school starts.. I'm a little too used in sleeping 12 hours a day.. :X

Like a drum baby don't stop beating.

Figure 8.

I need you more than I can take.

Singapore has been great to me! (: Sorry for not being able to post for two weeks because I've been a little busy catching up with my family and friends in Singapore! Oh, and for the previous post, it's delivered two weeks late because I forgot to post it when I reached home.. 

Anyway, I went out with Yi Jie on the eighth! It's been great having her around. It's kinda saddening to know that that outing might be one of the last few for us since we are most probably heading towards different institutions in the next chapter of our lives. We went to Orchard for our outing! But before that, my mother gave me vouchers for Takashimaya upon knowing that I would be heading for Orchard. Had breakfast with YJ before getting tickets for 'Wreck-It-Ralph'! Then, we headed to Takashimaya to buy 4 packets of Takoyaki for Lunch! I would have forgotten that she doesn't like mayonnaise if she had not reminded me not to put any mayonnaise dressing in her packets! Oh, and I bought her a few packets of Matcha Pocky! Headed to Cathay Cineleisure to catch our movie but we were about 30 minutes early. So, we decided to stone at the tall tables near the cinema to chit-chat. We each ate about one packet of our takoyaki while waiting and smuggled the rest in.. Oh yeah, she downloaded Phewtick onto my phone and I found it quite cool initially because users are able to get $30 in their Paypal account after accumulating a huge amount of points! But I discovered the undesirable effects when I got home because you'll be giving away your current location to other users of the app too. And to make things worse, it's kinda like an app for stalkers. I would like to have some privacy and am still quite surprised to find out that I hadn't un-installed the app yet. Now that reminds me..

Moving on, the movie was awesome! Headed to ION orchard to accompany YJ to buy her new set of earpiece! And after that I headed home to play LoL and dinner (:.

Went out with Jue Ying on the 9th at Kallang Leisure Park! She was late for about 30 minutes, but I wasn't mad because I remembered myself being late for about 5 minutes for most of our hang-outs. And that occurred more than 10 times! Besides, I wasn't exactly bored waiting for her because I was wandering around the mall. There's a mini Korean Mart there and the stuff they have is quite cool! ^^. We had lunch at a Japanese restaurant. I think my meal was worth the price, even though it may be a little pricey for a lunch. Anyway, I had a Salmon Teriyaki Don, Yakitori and Matcha Ice Cream for $10! (: Went to the Bowling Alley downstairs for two games (:. I think I did quite okay because of my lack of experience in Bowling.. Headed to Starbucks to get JY her macha-whatever drink. And guess who I met? AIKO! Ahh. She's cute, just saying. Anyway, she's there for netball and I was quite surprised to see her because it has been one-and-a-half years since I last saw her. AND SHE RECOGNISED ME! She was telling me how the OBS T-shirt I was wearing was awesome because she had one too.. Haha.. Anyway, JY and I went to browse through a mini book fair before heading home..

And then there came judgement day. It was the time for reckoning.. I still remember myself being sick to my stomach whenever I thought about my results. Anyway, I headed out to Nex with my family to have a quick lunch at Hot Tomato! My dad told me that I was most probably going to receive 14 points raw for Os and that freaked me out. Headed back to school nervously to await our verdict. Mr Teo told me to relax when he saw me, but I still panicked anyway.. Felt a little relieved upon seeing the smile on Mrs Ong's face when she was walking up the dias. Was searching frantically for the distinction rates for Combined Humanities (Geography) and Biology and was even more relieved upon realizing the high distinction rates! And soon, it was time for the result slips to be given out. And it sucks being the first register number in a class. You always get your results first. Wasn't ecstatic nor sad about it. Just contented. There were subjects I thought that I could've done better.. Anyway, here are my results :

English Language - B3

Combined Humanities ( Geography ) - A2

Elementary Mathematics - A1

Additional Mathematics - A1

Chemistry - A1

Physics - A1

Biology - A2

Chinese - A2

Higher Chinese - C6 ):

Was quite disappointed with my HCL because that means that I'll have to retake Chinese in JC because I don't want a 'C' to appear in my A-level cert. AND FUCK STOMATA AND GUARD CELLS. YOU CAN SUCK MY DICK. That stupid mistake gave me an A2 ):. FUCK IT.

Went home afterwards to consider my JC choices since we were only given 5 days which include a weekend to make our JAE decisions. ):.

Anyway, headed to NYJC's open house with Chang Jie, Mun Pin, Qiyu and Ting Hong! The facilities there are REALLY cool (:. I felt the sense of belonging the moment I stepped inside the school compound. I like the range of CCAs that it offers, and the results there have been pretty good too! Watched a few performances from the various performing art groups before asking questions about appealing and stuff..

Went to Central Macs to have lunch before going to AJC's Open House! Was kinda disappointed with it though. The facilities looked REALLY old and the goodie bag didn't contain anything that has any information about the school.. Not even a map. Well, at least I get to meet Diana! It's really nice to see her again! 

Visited SAJC's open house with Sarah and Chang Jie on the 12th! Was also quite disappointed because I felt kinda underwhelmed about the facilities there as I had high expectations for that JC.. And Sarah was right. NYJC is better than SAJC in almost every area, except for the excellence in certain CCAs. But the welfare in NYJC is definitely better! Walked around the compound for about 20 to 30 minutes before heading to Serangoon to have lunch at Carl's Junior! Ah. I really wanna visit Sarah's workplace someday ):. And I hope that it'll be real soon because school's starting soon already..

Anyway, completed my JAE applications on the 13th upon much deliberation. It was about the arrangement of my first two choices. ACJC and NYJC.. I think that both schools are good in their own ways. But distance definitely did matter. So NYJC won hands down. And now, I'm hoping that I'll be able to enter NYJC because I've already known many of my friends putting it as their first choice too! AND MORRIS IS GOING TOO ^^. Woots. He's one of my closest friend in SAJS (:. Ah. I remember the school bus rides we usually had! We used to sit next to each other on the bus home! And the best part? WE CAN GO TO SCHOOL TOGETHER ^^. He lives like just two blocks away from my house ^^.

Moving on, went out with Jue Ying on Thursday in Plaza Singapura! Had lunch together at a Japanese restaurant before wandering around the mall~. Was quite surprised to know that Mark&Spencer has a food hall, just like the one in HK! Ah.. Kinda regretted not giving my close friends other stuff from HK ):. But I'm glad that they received and liked it (:. 

Had green tea snow ice at the basement for a short tea-break! It was simply delectable, but of course, not comparable to the ones in HK. THEY ARE JUST TOO GOOD (:.. 

Headed to Ang Mo Kio to grab JY's dose of Koi before walking around AMK Hub for about 30 minutes before meeting Randy and Joyce at the cinema. 'Gangster Squad' is a nice but slightly gory movie. Ah. Emma Stone is inside. I LOVE HER TO THE MAX! Anyway, the movie was more memorable for me because something happened in the cinema ^^. Well, I don't think Randy and Joyce know so I'm going to keep my lips sealed before any nonsense comes out from my mouth ^^.

Had Pepper Lunch for dinner! It was nice catch-up session with Randy and Joyce! Ah. It's sad to know that I might not see Randy anymore since we hardly hang out and we'll most likely end up in different JCs. ):. 

Anyway, I've been spending the rest of my time playing LoL at home and catching up with my fellow gamers ^^. I feel blessed to have friends like them. Ah. Team rock solid FTW. Even though my support Lux may miss her snares during a few critical moments.. But it feels great to play with them!

Sorry about the abrupt ending, but I gotta end this post now because it's 1226 now. Urgh. Gotta work on my endings..

I'll see y'all again..

You're the reason why I smile (: