It's easy going out on a friday night.
It's easy every time I see you out.
I can smile, live it up, forget about the way it was.
But what she, what she don't know,
is how hard it is to make it look so easy.

Permanent December.

You better make it count because you can't take it back.

Man. It's been really a great December break for me this year, probably the best I've ever had in my entire school life. But I've got to start on some work, before all my teachers start chopping my head every single lesson because of incomplete tutorials and assignments. I think that the holidays flew by pretty fast though. Perhaps it's because of the number of events I had, but I enjoyed every single moment of it.

Actually, I don't really want school to start, even though I'll be able to see my classmates every single day again. I just can't handle all the responsibilities.  I feel like a failure sometimes, for doing too little when I had the opportunities to do more.  I really wanna plan more stuff, but there's this huge mountain of work blocking my path. I hope that i'll at least finish Maths and Chemistry. Econs can come and kiss my ass. Well,looks like I'll be booked by my homework during new year! ):. Looking at the bright side, at least I can camp at PP CC again! I really miss the mixed rice stall and the claypot rice there. Oh, and my study buddy too!

Sigh. Its 2am now and I gotta be in school by 10am later. I need to get some rest. Bye guys, and sorry for the abrupt closure.

Why are you sitting there thinking about what you can't change and worrying about all the wrong things.

XO.

In the darkness night I'll,

I'll search through the crowd.

I want to give thanks to people who've been with me no matter which path I choose to take. People who give me the shimmering glimpse of hope whenever I felt down and devastated. I know that I'm not perfect, with all the decisions that I've made in my entire life. Decisions that I've made with regret. Friendships that I had decided to let go over the slightest of reasons, like jealousy. I wanted to be better, but when I knew that I'll never be better than someone, I'll hit that auto-pilot button and abandon that flight that I'm in. Thinking about it now, I've made horrible changes to the people that surround me. Mistakes that can never be undone.

Putting aside the negative thoughts, like what I've said, I really want to give thanks to the people who have tolerated my craziness and the random thoughts that I carry every single day. I know that sometimes I may be extremely blur with things, but all of you put up with me and still included me in all your events. I really appreciate the fact that all of you never left me behind over anything. I'm becoming an OGL next year. And I feel blessed with the great company that I have right now, even though I have not been attending a lot of meetings due to my intern-ship. But all of you still embraced me as part of our family.

Tomorrow's my very first Christmas celebration at a friend's house. I'm never really invited for any Christmas events. Maybe this is because I'm usually overseas during this period of the year, or that my family doesn't really take Christmas seriously. It's just usually another day in most of our lives, with just another family dinner at night. Perhaps I've been taking the things around me for granted once again. Taking my family and the things that they do for me every single time, without lamenting, for granted. It's really a blessing, to have meals with your cousins and catch up with each other every single week. And it's amazing because we still have common topics to talk about despite our large age-difference. It's like my cousins really understand me, from the bigger things like knowing what to get for me during celebrations without asking me to the smallest of things like knowing my likes and dislikes.

Anyway, NYJC, like what I've mentioned in some of my previous posts, has been really a new home for me. I'm really grateful for the new friends that I've made this year, starting with the awesome Chanan 7, my 1320 kids, ODAC-ians, Chang-a-langs and the Novus family. We sure had our ups and downs, but we still stood with each other at the end of the day. I'm glad to know that all of us promoted, and that we'll be able to spend another fulfilling and meaningful year together.

This time, I wanna set things right. I wanna spend the last few days of 2013 to correct as much of the wrongs that I've done this year, to set myself at the right direction for 2014. It's time to mend some fading friendships and catch up with those whom I haven't been in touch with for a long time.

Oh, and Merry Christmas to all you readers out there (:.

Your face is all that I see.

I close my eyes, and I can see a better day.

Someone Who Cares.

Shining like stars,
we're so beautiful.

Sometimes the world's against us for any reason she can think about. And no matter what we do, or no matter what we say, their perspectives will almost entirely remain the same. It's like it has become a custom for people to have disgust and disdain smacked right onto their faces when they look at you, or reveal that look of disbelief whenever word has come around that you have (finally) did something great. I kinda regret growing up, as it makes me meet fewer people who actually cares about you. The part about having fake friendships? Yeah that's included in the package of growing up. Sometimes I wish that I could have held on more to certain friendships, and not having to face awkward moments in the future when they try to catch up with you and you have absolutely nothing to share with them. It's like being in that moment when you both know that the friendship can no longer be renewed. I hate those moments, but I've been having a lot of them recently.

I feel really helpless sometimes. I've been talking about these friendship crap for ages and nothing I've done managed to prevent any of those bullshit from occuring. I wanna start the conversation sometimes, but I'll always get the feeling of disturbing or even irritating them whenever the thought of catching up comes to my mind. I don't want history to repeat again. But history has taught me to stop fighting. To stop fighting for friendship that I don't deserve. It taught me that if someone wishes to leave, there's no point asking him to stay. There's no point in holding on if the other side wants to let go.

I kinda like the state I'm in now. I don't have many friends, but I know who are my true ones. The ones who have stayed with me all these while. The ones who will continue to stay by my side no matter the decisions I'll be making. It feels kinda great, knowing that someone is able to write a thousand-word essay to describe how wonderful I am. I never knew that I was that much of a good friend. But now I know. And I've found another person who cares :).

We'll be shooting stars just passing by.

Choose Your Battles.

I am not fighting anymore.

People come, people go. Only some will stay in our lives. It's hard to determine who are the ones that will be staying when you're just friends with them for a short period of time. But time doesn't mean anything. 4 years of friendship can crumble at your feet just when you least expect it. Sometimes we make wrong decisions. Decisions of holding on or letting go. Holding on to someone who treats you like crap and doesn't even notice your existence. Letting go of somebody who you have taken for granted all these while.

So I guess it's true eh? Be careful for what you wish for, because it may come back and bite you hard. Sometimes I really wish for things to be quiet, but not this quiet. I honestly thought that I have taken some people for granted this year, despite attempting to appreciate the things around me more. Maybe I'm really an attention seeker. I like to have conversations going on, and on, and on. It's like I'd feel depressed if I didn't receive a single text message or whatsapp from anyone these days. Maybe I just don't wanna be forgotten or maybe, I don't wanna be left out. That's what I've been feeling these days. Don't get me wrong, I've been practically out of my house for about half of my holidays. But there are times when I felt that I could be included in invitations for outings or events, even if I couldn't make it. At least that'll make me feel not left out. But this feeling of solitude is coming back, and I don't want it to come back, even if that's the right kind of feeling for me.

I've grown so much this year. Thinking about it, I used to have a negative perspective of life last year, when things started to slowly accelerate and take off like a jet plane, before crashing down. I had no clue on how to deal with minute matters, let alone problems. I've been basically alone for the entire year, except for the two people who have been seating beside me all along. Maybe that's the reason why I treat them as my good friends, no matter how much they disappoint me. They were there for me, no matter how things turned out. I'm starting to appreciate the little things in life, but that might also have made me a little more depressed because I'm also starting to notice the missing pieces of my life. The holes and damages that I've inflicted on myself all along. The alternatives that I could've taken if I had seen things from a different point of view. There are just so many things that could've turned out differently if only I had the self-control and had the mind-over-matter attitude. My heart always tells me what I want, but not what I should do. Maybe I should develop my hard-hearted character soon. Maybe that's the only way out after all.

I guess I'm feeling a little awkward with people around me these days. Maybe because I have already been left out and drifted away from them for too long. It's hard for me to catch up and share the same frequency as them. Maybe I should just let go of this fragment of the past and move on with my life, like what I've done before.

If you wanna go, then go.

If you wanna stay, then stay.

I'm really tired of thinking. Thinking about what I could've done to make things different. Thinking about all the friendships that I have and had. I honestly feel that the distance between my friends and I is getting further each day.