Believe.

I don't even know if I believe everything you're trying to say to me.



Maybe what she said was true. There'll be times when you'll meet extraordinary people. People that will take your breath away or even change your life completely, even if it's just for a little while. But the catch is, no matter how great the moments you spent with that person were, they are meant to come and go. They are meant to exist in your life solely because they're there for a reason. Maybe it's to teach you something, or give you experiences that you'd wished you had in the past. Maybe they're a gift from your fairy god-mothers or fathers. But just like the classic Disney fairy tale, the spell will end at midnight, and all of the magical effects will cease to exist.

I don't want all of it to end one day. I want this experience to last forever. Heck, I want this friendship to last forever. But history is drawing me back every single time. I've seen too many people come and go and have my faith restored and shattered at the end of the day again, and again. I know that it's really selfish of me to think that way, and I shouldn't even be a reason for you to stay. I know that your future will be pretty much secured once you get through everything that needs to be done. You'll be happy, and I really hope you do. I want you to be happy, and maybe that's what I should be ultimately asking for. Sometimes it's good to exclude myself from the main picture, because it's your life and it's your decision. As much as I find solace in your hesitation to leave, you should go. Because I believe that that'll make your life better and it'll make you happy. As much as I find it hard to bid farewell in the future, you should go considering your best interests at heart.

It's really weird sometimes, because your hopes and dreams can be completely different from what the other party thinks. And you have completely zero control of what is going to happen next. It's never and perhaps it'll never be your turn to lay your cards, because you have no say. I feel really selfish thinking this way, because I'll be only considering myself all the time. There'll be grief, there'll be sorrow and there'll be sadness. I don't want to deal with all of this again. But it seems really imminent right now. I really hate goodbyes, and you're making it so much harder every single time. Maybe then, I'll say things that I should have said a long time ago. All the thoughts and the unsaid things that I should've voiced out when we talked. It's getting harder and harder for me to filter all of them whenever we met, because the voices in my head are getting louder as time passes. Maybe in the future, I'll restore my faith in friendships like how you did for me. But no matter what, all I can do now is believe eh? Believe that you'll make the right decision for yourself, and not because of the people around you.

I've been hit with a rough patch recently. I've been having too much confidence these days, and I've been thinking that I'll get into the courses that I've always aspired to be in. But I guess I was proven wrong again and again. The chances don't look really encouraging right now, knowing that I've pretty much screwed up the interview. I know that my results are decent, but they won't really take me as far as what I had hoped initially. Complacency is a bitch, really. But now everything's said and done already, and all I can do right now is to have hope.

Believe. Can I do it again? I've been through too many bad experiences with the people/things around me that made me lose hope in believing. Maybe that's the reason why I've become so pessimistic these days. There's nothing much to be optimistic about anyway. I've learnt that faith brings you nowhere but disappointment, because nothing can feel worse than knowing that you've put your faith in the wrong places when the result is already imminent. I'm currently at a loss right now. What should I do from this point onward? Should I continue and make the necessary preparations for the worse to come, or treasure all the remaining pockets of time that I'm left with this particular friend of mine? The former will make it easier to say goodbye with lesser memories made, while the latter will make it that much harder to say goodbye. Fuck. I can't believe I'm in this position again. I had to make this decision three years ago, and I regret it up till this day. But the circumstances are different today. There have been attempts to make this friendship work. There have been attempts to maintain everything that we have right now. And that makes everything so much more complicated.

This is never gonna go our way.

Wonderland.

Haven't you heard what becomes of curious minds?

I thought that life was never worse, and never better. I was wrong. Maybe she was right. Some things are just not meant to be, no matter how much you try. Some people will only be there in your life temporarily, to teach you a lesson or two before disappearing into the past. I'm not talking about goodbyes, but the mere act of forgetting and losing.

I can't believe that I'm currently questioning my plight in this right now. I should be content with the results that I have, but I'm not. Maybe it's because I'm capable of so much more. Or maybe it's because I'm just drunk of jealousy. I should be feeling happy, but my heart dies a little inside whenever I think of my own results. I've always thought that I knew the path that I would want to take. But guess what? I was wrong. There are many things that have been cropping up recently, and this feeling really sucks because I can't think of anything to find a resolution. Should I try my very best to tolerate another 4 years of schooling and choose the career path that I've been aspiring to take all along? Or should I just take a safe route, and take a second major if I'm fated to do so?

Sigh. If only there were more flexibility given to the career paths in universities..

This week is going to be a closure for many things. I can't believe that 9 weeks have just passed by so quickly. I used to be a stranger to my students. I used to be just an observer of lessons. But now, they're worth so much more to me. I teach them math, but they taught me values that I've never placed much emphasis on. I'll really miss these kids a lot, even though the time spent with them has been relatively short.

Sigh. I thought that all of the worrying and anxiety will end after I get my results. But I was wrong. Life moves on, even when you don't want it to. I'm naturally anxious about army life, and all of the things that I'll be doing then. But I'm thinking of all the intangible things right now. Like what can I do with my abilities right now? What road should I take, and what road led me her in the first place? I thought I've figured out what I want to do in the long break. But what I've planned is ending this week. I don't know whether should I say another round of farewell to the person whom I've been extremely close with these days. There are some days when I feel like I'm utterly useless, because I don't even know what I'm thinking about, or what I'm doing. I've been acting really weird these days. Doing things that I swore I'll never do to all the thoughts that have been swarming into my mind. I don't know whether I'm over-thinking things again this time. I'm thinking of making another closure, but I'm not entirely certain whether this is the right choice to make. Because the last time I've made this decision, I regret it up till this day. The suspicion has been raised, but I am still unsure of my thoughts and feelings to even address it. Maybe I should call it a day and just end everything. I honestly don't know. Maybe this is what jealousy feels like. Maybe I'm just not cut out to be the type of person who can feel happy for other people because I'll just keep comparing myself to them and feel inferior at the same time.

There are some days that I wish I know you. And there are some days I wish I didn't. I've gotten used to goodbyes, but I don't want to experience one again with a close friend of mine. Maybe I should start creating the distance between me and others again. So that when the time comes, it'll be much easier for me to bid farewell. I'm starting to prepare myself for that moment to come. And as much as I hate it, you should go if you're given the chance to. If you happen to come across this post, just know that I would want you to go, no matter how unwilling I am to let you go. I don't want my emotions or use this connection as a reason for you to stay, because it's too big a decision to make.

Maybe some day, if you decide to go, we'll stumble upon one another somewhere and go back to where we came from, and revert to how things were like then.

But this is just a speculation. It may not even come true in the first place.

Didn't you call my fears with the Cheshire cat's smile?

I really hope that everything turns out fine later, even though the chances of it happening are very slim now.

I'm A Mess.

I can't shake this feeling now.



It’s funny how someone you have known for just a few months can change so many aspects of your life, while the same cannot be said for some whom you have already known for years. These few weeks, I've been keeping myself really busy with the internship and my exercise schedule, but I've also been having loads of fun. These few weeks, I've been really happy. Yes, I've toned down my social life a little bit because I didn't really want to be constantly troubled with the little upsets that a social life may bring, but I've been really happy. I guess I've been having more fun than all of the other holidays that I have had in my entire life.

Just yesterday, I experienced Singapore’s nightlife for the first time, twice in a single day. I’m really thankful for the friends who broadened my perspectives on life. And I’m appreciative of friends who will find time to experience the wonders of life together with you. I think that I’m starting to understand why some of my friends enjoy going out all night. The night view and night attractions are simply breath-taking. It feels like some sort of enlightenment, because I've never experienced the same gush of euphoria and wildness before. Seeing all the pretty lights that shined so bright, but they never seem to blind me while I danced. 

Moving on, I'm starting to understand why some people turn to alcohol when they are feeling down and weary. Maybe I'm still fortunate because there's no need for me to do so, but the substance really makes you high. It offers you a chance to escape reality and forget all of your troubles, even if it's just for a little while. I had my first few virgin shots during the last few weeks and it really feels different when you're under the influence of alcohol. Maybe I felt happier. Maybe I really felt more carefree. But I'm afraid of leaking out things that I shouldn't have. Some things are better left unsaid, and I'm really worried that my filter starts to malfunction when I'm intoxicated.

It's been a while since I've last posted, and many things have happened. There's only 2 months left before my enlistment date. And there are so many things that I still wanna experience before going into confinement and feel the boundaries drawing closer towards me. There are still a lot of things in my post-As list that I've yet to fulfill. There are many new year revelations that are still incomplete. And there are just so many friends that I wanna have a cup of coffee with before the due date arrives. If only I had more time to fulfill all these little things. They may be tall orders, but I'll try my absolute best to catch up with what I'm supposed to do this year.

2014 passed by in the blink of an eye because of all the examination preparations and insufficient time to do everything. It just feels so surreal because I'm going to collect my results in a few hours time. Even though I've been through this process at least twice by now, I still feel the butterflies in my stomach and the surge of anxiety whenever I think of it. Honestly speaking, I don't think I'll be receiving good news of any sort when I arrive at my ex-school later. Don't get me wrong, I've enjoyed my stay there. But there are just too many things that I've fucked up during the 'A' level period. I could've done more, and could've reacted better to my condition then. But I did otherwise. Can I say that I've prepared enough for the examinations? I guess so. But the execution went horribly wrong. Maybe it's the anxiety and nervousness that are getting into my head during the crucial period. Sigh, it's really too late saying all this right now. I can only hope for good results and that's the only thing that I can do right now. Many people have been talking about how many distinctions that they are hoping to achieve and I just feel a little upset on the inside whenever I hear them. Don't get me wrong, I feel happy for them because they must have felt really confident of their answers, but the topic just keeps reminding me of the distinctions that I'll never get due to the mistakes that I've made.

My results. I have little confidence that they'll even be on par with my prelim results. And I think that I won't ever get the opportunity to receive the cheque/reward for good academic results from Mr Kwek. I feel like I'm a disappointment. Not only to myself but also to the people around me. I know that there are people who really thought that I'll be able to pass the examinations with flying colors. I'm really sorry if you're one of them, because I have absolutely no faith in being able to survive through the entire mess that I've created.

I can now imagine myself being filled with disappointment and upset later. It seems really ironic saying this, but sometimes, I think that I deserve it. Sometimes I really wonder whether I'm a disappointment in life because I've made countless wrong decisions since I was born. Maybe they weren't exactly wrong, but there were definitely better alternatives when I look back now. I'm starting to feel the pieces of me crumble into dust. Honestly speaking, I do not know where to go from here. When I receive my less-than-average results, where can I go? I may not be even worthy enough to further my studies and become forced into entering the working world. Yes, it's just an examination and it doesn't necessarily represent the end of the world, but it may represent the end of my world. Where can I go from here? Do I just settle for a low-paying job and hope that I'll be content with life? Do I choose to give up my aspirations and settle for something safe? Or do I retake my 'A' levels with the chance of flunking it again? If I don't go up the stage later, my world may just start to disintegrate. Because it'll just be a start of telling me what a disappointment that I have been. Nothing worthy more than a piece of shit. At least shit clears the undigested food in your body. But what can I do? Absolutely nothing. I can't even clear an examination properly. Maybe it's time to take a bitter mouthful of reality and realize how shitty I've been, instead of pinning my hopes so far and realizing none of them at the end of the day.

Honestly, I feel like having a drink right now. I know that alcohol isn't a permanent solution. But at least it takes the pain away. If I do badly, who will still be there right by my side to support me? Who will still be there to lend me a shoulder to cry on? I honestly don't know. Sometimes I feel that I've been giving away too many pieces of me that I've become an insignificant person to the people around me. Sometimes, I feel extremely lonely on the inside, because it's really difficult to tell someone what I really feel about things. Perhaps it's because of the barriers that I've put in place to prevent myself from being too emotionally attached to friendships and relationships. And they prevent me from some things that I really wanna say, because I'm constantly afraid that I'll say the wrong things and affect the friendship. Honestly, I used to live a life of keeping everything to myself. I still do during certain occasions, but it's really a torture bottling all your emotions up because you're afraid of losing things that you cherish.

Maybe I've been too picky in the past, and let my expectations defined what a 'perfect' friend would be. Maybe I've neglected/have been oblivious to the little things around me that I should've noticed instead of being too carried away with bigger dreams of mine. And now, I'm stuck on this lonely road with nowhere to go.

I messed up this time.