"Stop making excuses.
Stop apologizing.
Stop talking."

Can I go to where this is?

Run.

Here's some advice for the next one.

"The last 30 days have taught me so much. And all I wanted when we first came here was to know that we would leave together. But from the minute I sat down, I could feel it. I felt like I was gonna be suffocated. The last several weeks, I have laughed more, I have done more, I have enjoyed myself more than.... And I finally feel free. And by being free, I can see now that constantly trying to fix us is the thing that's been killing me slowly. And I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to fix it or fix us anymore. Maybe instead of loving you so hard, I should... I should be myself for a while. I should love me, and you should love you, and together we love Sofia, rather than — I want so much for you, Arizona. For both of us. So much more than this. More than being stuck with someone who feels stuck. I want you to feel free, too."

I used to think that facing challenges head-on was the right answer to everything. Do whatever you can, and walk away with your head held high no matter what the outcome is. I thought that giving it your all would make you content, because at least you did everything you could to resolve the problem. And even if you failed, you can look back and come to a conclusion that you did everything you could, and would do the same thing again given the circumstances. Sometimes, I honestly think that we're over-complicating things a little. Sometimes, it's because you try and try, and try, that people take you for granted. Or maybe, they'll just shove you aside and make your opinions fall on deaf ears. What if there has been always another answer to the problem that we've been facing. Maybe doing nothing at all and leaving is the answer - less is more. There's no point in trying to voice what you think when you're never gonna be heard. You're one voice in a million and even though people can't take that voice away from you, there's got to be a limit on how much you can do. You can't force a horse to drink, even after you've brought him to a river. 

I've honestly tried my best to reach my expectations and make the best that I probably could. Looking back now, I would have made minor tweaks here and there, but I would have absolutely done the same thing over and over again. And looking back now, I have tried and I have failed. Probably it's because the exceedingly high expectations that I had entering it and realizing that they can never be reached. And I'll never be contented if I continue to reflect on it. So maybe I should stop trying so hard. Maybe, it's better to forget some things and remember that some things are better left unsaid. And maybe, I should just leave and try to forget about it. I honestly think that if I stayed, I wouldn't be happy because I would continue to dwell on how I fell short of these expectations and there's probably nothing I can possibly do to change it. So I decided to leave. I decided to face the short moment of sadness in farewell and pay greater attention to myself. It might be better to love myself even more and do the things that I would want to do more happily, instead of being stuck in the past and reflecting a million times. I should stop fixing things to prevent myself from breaking apart in the end. Don't get me wrong, the journey has been incredible. But now, it's time to give myself a little bit more respect and attention and give up on things that I've been relentlessly pursuing.

I thought that I would end the suffocation when I made that decision that day. I thought that everything would come to a halt and start crashing down on my knees. But the last several days, I have laughed more. I have done more. I have enjoyed myself more than any time I can possibly remember. I finally feel free. And by being free, I know that I've made the right decision to run away from the challenge I've been facing instead.

But once it's gone, it's gone forever.
And there's no coming back from that.

It's a brand new day everyday, and the start of something good.

Am I taking this way too far?

It seems like I'm about to make the same mistake twice.

But I can't afford to pay the consequences that it brings once more.
I'm running out of second chances.

I honestly think that bad experiences truly shape a person's character. We do something wrong, engulf ourselves with as much negativity as we possibly can, reflect, change the way we do things and then wash, rinse and repeat. I think that the bad experiences have changed the way how I perceive life. I have learnt not to trust wholeheartedly, not to care too much about others and just mind my own business. There's little to no point in trying to show care and concern to others when one wrong move (even with the greatest intentions) can strangle you with a whole lot of problems. More often than not, these problems arise because of the way we speak to others. Sure, the oral form of communication can be said to be a form of art, but it really takes skill to master this art. And even so, even the proficient ones may succumb to the flaws of humanity. I've done mistakes like these before, perhaps because I've forgotten the ability to express myself clearly to others. And that just leads me to my second point - minding your own business. There are many things in life that can be expressed a million times better if we said nothing at all. In my previous years, I've talked about speaking up and how I should have spoken then. Maybe I was wrong all along. Maybe the mistake that I've made is that I've spoken up, just not enough. But how much is enough? How much significance can you bring to a topic before it's classified as 'enough'? That's why I'm starting to learn to speak nothing at all. There are some, in fact many, things in life that can be expressed more beautifully if we simply said nothing at all. Maybe right from the start, if I didn't raise my concerns or opinions on things, things wouldn't have even happened. Maybe that's the attitude that I should develop in life. Less is more and speaking nothing is crucial in life. We should mind our own business and fulfil our own responsibilities and obligations, without bothering about other people that are beyond our loved ones.

I'm sorry for developing a more cynical point of view in life because I've been molded to be this way. It just feels like a shame whenever you think of the things that you could've done with other people and then you're reminded with the disappointment and the number of upset that you have faced because of these people. I talked about not getting excluded and I honestly thought that we'll have a chance at being a great group of friends. I used to raise my head up high and tell my friends in Novus about what I thought I thought of you guys. But it turns out that when the year started out again, maybe my expectations had fell short or I was simply oblivious to the things around me for a while. I think it's better to develop an attitude of positive marking, just like some teachers who grade our scripts. There shouldn't be any expectation given to anybody around you. And if someone surprises you, give them the merit of having so as they may be the friends that you should keep. Stop comparing with the people around you, because life doesn't prevent you from making more than a certain number of friends. But for those who have disappointed you, remember them and the mistakes that they have made. Recall similar incidents and try to fit in the associated acts that they may commit too. I guess it's all about safety precautions. If they're not going to be your true friends, or even friends who you think will keep in contact after a few years, then there's no point in keeping them or trying to do so. I have always thought that making fake friends would be better than having no friends. And I was wrong. Fake friends bring disappointment and everything but contentment. I honestly find a need to rethink about all of my friends that I've made and classify them correctly. Yes, to human is err and I have committed many (major) errors during the course of my short lifetime, but I should develop the mindset that likewise is expected from me too, so that I don't feel that much negativity flowing through my veins. I think that I really need to reflect on every aspect of my life and shut as many negativity that I have embraced or relented in the past.

Maybe I should just show my care and concern to the people whom I think will be there for me in the future. They may be just a handful out of 24 students (as an example), or an entire group, but I think that I'll be able to be more content living my life with these people instead of keeping myself busy from appeasing the many fake friends that I have today.

I'm really sorry if this post has changed your impression of me in any way.

I used to like deep conversations. I've always thought that it was a blessing to have conversations until 3am because they made me feel free from the burden that I was usually carrying. But I was wrong. Heart-to-heart talks only reinforces the illusion that the person you're talking to will always be there for you. They let you share private and intimate details about your lives with others, and this allows others take a piece of your life away. They may have understood you more, but you've also given them another way to hurt you. They may be friends of today and become enemies of tomorrow. Who knows what tomorrow may bring? The tables may even turn at the end of the day, granting you greater misery instead. There's no point in sharing much anymore, because you may be the one filled with disappointment in the end.

Even mountains will shake, and giants will fall. Anything that can happen, will happen. I'm not going to allow anymore people from getting to know me better, because I've faced too much disappointment from doing so in the past. There's no point in telling your friends about your hopes and thoughts especially when they refer to the people around them. I've trusted, and learnt, and then lost. I'm not going to repeat the same mistake twice. There's nothing called true friendship with others, when the only one that you can trust ultimately is still yourself.

Give me small talk, and I'll talk. But if the conversations get a little bit personal, I may be gone long before you even realize. I have to become more independent, so that I can refrain myself from being disappointed once more and protect the little pieces of me.

Off I Go.

"Did you say it?
'I love you. I don't ever wanna live without you. You changed my life.'
Did you say it? 

Make a plan.
Set a goal.
Work towards it.

But every now and then, look around.
Drink it in.
'Cause this is it.

It might all be gone tomorrow."

This has got to be one of the most heartbreaking scenes that I've ever seen on Grey's Anatomy. Maybe it's because it's like a reflection of my life. The things that I should've spoken, and the words that I should've said. They may not have been about love, but they could've made a difference. I set a goal and worked towards it. But I forgot about the people around me and became insensitive at some point. How I wished for this feeling to be forgotten, but some memories will live to torment and become the present once more. I couldn't just 'drink it in' and accept the imperfections of the people around me. Instead, I strived for perfection and I got lost in the endless chase to achieve the ideal. Maybe that was it, I could have paid more attention to it. I could've just accepted it and live in the moment. I could have... a lot of things. But it's too late now, because they're all gone with the wind. I had my chance, and I didn't take it or use whatever I had to the fullest potential.

Or should I stay?