Maybe I'll just leave it as it is. Maybe things will remain just like the way it is now - happy, peaceful and quiet. Maybe it's really the little things in life that make up the big things you see. I can't wait for the brief moments of happiness to pass me by again, because it feels like time has stopped even when it's ticking.

It's better to leave it unsaid.

Play It Again.

The next friday night, we were sitting out under the stars.
You should've seen her smile, when I took out my guitar.

Memories. They say it's better for memories to remain, because your impression of people will never change. Remembering them for what they did in the past, and not for the the mistakes that they've done until now. I wish I could replay these moments, to play everything all over again. There will be foresight, and the bigger picture will remain etched in my mind. I miss my life. I really do. The days when I could do anything that I probably wanted to do-to hang out with my friends or even sleep for as long as I possibly could. The hell cycle is starting to get into my head. I'm getting sick and tired with all of the committments and responsibilities that are weighted down on my shoulders. We're already at the last lap of the race, and it's really discouraging to know that I haven't been realising my fullest potential, and getting marked down again and again, and again.

If I knew then, I would really treasure the efforts that many others have put in for me. It pains me whenever I think of the state we're in now. It really felt like yesterday when everything seemed awkward at the start and when everyone slowly got used to and comfortable with one another. I miss this family, and I really wish for it to be whole again. Maybe it's indirectly my fault for not attempting to iron things out, because I chose the path of running away, but it's really saddening to catch up with time. It's only been a few weeks that I've been gone, but everything has changed so drastically when I returned. Everything has changed, and I'm still not used to it. There seems to be a barrier now whenever I'm with them, especially during those moments when there were no words exchanged. It wasn't direct, but the silence and the expression on their faces spill everything out. I'm no longer part of that group anymore, and it's really time to move on.

Maybe what Clare said was right. I would be a fool to get into a relationship, or at least, for now. They say that people know themselves best, but the struggle between my head and my heart never ends. But the things that we talked about that day, will I ever be mature enough to handle such matters of the heart? I'm still spending my days throwing mini tantrums at people whenever things don't go my way and only thinking about myself most of the time. I tried to care about others more, but I usually put myself first before them. I don't think that I would be mature enough to care about someone who comes into my life. Relationships require committment, and that is probably one of my greatest flaws. This year is going to pass real quick, and there won't be enough time to make it last. I don't even know whether the feeling's mutual or not and even if it is, how different would it make? Both of us have committments, be it large or small. Even up till today, I don't believe that campus relationships will ever last. I've seen too many cases of Hello Heartache, and how they fell from cloud nine and grace. Maybe I should let nature take its course, and see what happens. Things may just be the way I want them to be in the end. I shouldn't force or rush it for things to appear miraculously, before history repeats itself again. Maybe I should just let it all go to the sands of time. If this feeling is real, it shouldn't be fading away soon.

Man. If only I could freeze time and have enough room and privacy to take a deep breath and capture the moments I have. It's really through these moments in life that defines who you are, and how you have been living. I wish that there was a rewind button, so that I can play every single memory again and smile to the choices that I've made in the past.

All that I need is this moment.

Here Comes Goodbye.

Here comes me wishing things had never changed.

I can't believe April just came and passed by so quickly. There was hardly any time to truly rest. Yes, there were times when I felt like totally slacking and not doing any work, but the guilt haunts me whenever I choose to do so. Anyway, April's gone. And that means that I'll be stepping down from my CCA really soon. I should be happy, with all the extra time that I'll have. But I'm not. I'm really going to miss the company in ODAC. The bonds that we fostered throughout the past year and the memories we made. I may not have been the best president, but I really hope that I've managed to do them proud throughout the past year. Honestly, I wouldn't have survived the trials and hardships without them. The encouragements and support that they have given me were really unexpected, since I was supposed to remain composed and do things the right way. But I appreciate them. I really do. I don't know why, but even though we only meet twice a week (or even lesser sometimes), some of them are close to my heart. It seems like the company really matters after all, no matter what journey we're going through. My first friend in NYJC, the weekly ODAC dinners, my 3 classmates and the one I've gotten to know more about since Novus. Things really changed a lot this year, especially the latter. I still remember knowing him as just an EXCO who was under me, and I didn't really bother trying to know more about him. But ODAC has been consistently a common topic for us in Novus. And truthfully, I think that he's really one of the few people that made me become a better president this year, as compared to last year.

Thinking about it now, I don't want things to end this quickly. It feels like Ad Meliora has just ended yesterday. Time really flies eh? It feels like hell going through PW and all my other work committments, but a sense of nostalgia rushes past me whenever I think about it now. The next few months are just going to pass even quickly, with all the stress building up. And that moment of goodbye will come again, with all my emotions stirring up.

I have never been a fan of goodbyes. For those who didn't know, I place connections and relationships at a much higher importance than many others. I feel that the friends around you really shape and define who you are. Friends make you happy, and they make you sad. But they are the ones who go through the same shit with you. And I don't want them to leave, forever and no matter for what reason. They make up a part of me. Sigh. But no matter how idealistic I may be, my mind never fails to tell me otherwise. All the events that were supposed to be erased were archived instead. All the arrogance I once had. All the important friendships that I've decided to let go. They were my regrets, and I'm really hoping that they will not come back to life once more.

Maybe that's the reason why I've been trying to be as low profile as possible last year. I was afraid to make friends. Afraid that I would just push them away without any reason or whatsoever. Afraid of disappointments. There weren't really friends whom I could really trust my deepest secrets with, even though it was supposed to be alright. I suppose I was still in the midst of recovery from the chaos and mayhem that occurred. But I'm thankful for the people around me, especially for those who knew that I really tried to make an effort to step out of my comfort zone to interact with strangers/acquaintances. I'm really grateful for being blessed with the opportunities to meet every single one of them.

So yeah, the countdown is still going on. The true battle begins just short of 200 days away, and I'm going to treasure every single moment that's left. Maybe I should take the next step to maintain the friendships which I have fostered over the past two years, instead of sitting around and waiting for it to be magically sustained. Perhaps that's the mistake that I've been making all along. But NYJC may be the right place, and now seems to be the right time to do it.

Sigh. I really hate preparing for goodbyes, or at least, official ones. It seems like we've all grown and have also grown apart from each other. Maybe I wouldn't be there in the first place, but that wouldn't change much of the harsh reality, wouldn't it?

I remember all those crazy things we did.