Some People Just Aren't Worth It Anymore.

I can honestly say I am a nice and genuine person. I’m a people pleaser, which is one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I didn’t realize my importance and self-worth until one day; I woke up and said to myself, “Some people just aren’t worth it anymore.” I’m sick and tired of getting up every day living my life for other people.

I helped people who didn’t deserve my help. I tolerated people who didn’t deserve my patience. I listened to people who didn’t deserve my attention. I shared what I had to people who didn’t deserve to receive anything from me. I put up with all of this shit just to keep my so-called-friends in my life a bit longer. I’ve always thought to myself, “Be the bigger person.” I’d always say it’s okay if they’re not nice to you, as long as you’re nice to them because that’s who you really are.

I have been used, neglected, and left behind many times before. I know some of us are blinded by our own problems and issues we don’t see that they only come to us when they need something from us, but I knew it. And I still played along to their silly games. I did it because at the time, I thought I needed them more than they needed me. I felt dependent on other people. I felt like they were responsible for my happiness. So I was afraid of losing the people who mattered. I was afraid to let go of the people who I thought I couldn’t live without.

I became an illusion. I became what everyone wanted to see from me. I tried to live up to every expectation they had for me. I tried to be perfect. I tried to be what they wanted. I tried so hard to be someone they needed. But every time I tried, I ended up feeling shittier about myself. It was wrong. Everything was wrong.

Suddenly I realized I really wasn’t happy. I asked myself, “Why am I the only one trying?” and “Why I am the only one who has to adjust to others?” and “Why can’t they do the same for me?” I realized if I expected everyone to have the same heart as mine, I would end up disappointed. I realized why I did all those things in the first place despite of me being miserable. I wanted to belong. I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be wanted and needed. I wanted everyone to like me. I lived for other people.

It’s about time I thought about myself. I am capable of living my life without other people trying to drag me down. I am capable of making my own decisions despite what other think. I learned that it’s okay not to be okay. It’s about time I stood up for myself. I don’t have to depend on other people to decide on my happiness. I am capable of being happy just by being content with myself. I have the strength and courage to finally get what I want. I don’t mean to say that from now on, I’m a selfish person. What I’m saying is, you also have to think of yourself.

We all have a right to choose what’s best for us. For years I’ve been bottling up every bit of emotion I had in me. But the bottle’s got to pop someday. And finally, it did. It’s time I let go of all the negativity in my life. It’s time I let go of the people who bring me pain and sadness. It’s time I trust myself with my own happiness instead of depending it on others. It’s time I finally speak out. So fuck everyone who ever made me feel the way I did before. They’re not worth it.

Sometimes you’ve just got to know the people worth fighting for, living for, and dying for. I choose the people in my life. I’m free to choose what I want to do. It’s time I let go of the days I felt afraid, worthless, and unimportant. It’s time I finally live for myself because I know my life is worth living.

How to Ruin Your Life (Without Even Noticing It)

"Understand that life is not a straight line. Life is not a set timeline of milestones. It is okay if you don’t finish school, get married, find a job that supports you, have a family, make money, and live comfortably all by this age, or that age. It’s okay if you do, as long as you understand that if you’re not married by 25, or a Vice President by 30 — or even happy, for that matter — the world isn’t going to condemn you. You are allowed to backtrack. You are allowed to figure out what inspires you. You are allowed time, and I think we often forget that. We choose a program right out of high school because the proper thing to do is to go straight to University. We choose a job right out of University, even if we didn’t love our program, because we just invested time into it. We go to that job every morning because we feel the need to support ourselves abundantly. We take the next step, and the next step, and the next step, thinking that we are fulfilling some checklist for life, and one day we wake up depressed. We wake up stressed out. We feel pressured and don’t know why. That is how you ruin your life.

You ruin your life by choosing the wrong person. What is it with our need to fast-track relationships? Why are we so enamored with the idea of first becoming somebody’s rather than somebodies? Trust me when I say that a love bred out of convenience, a love that blossoms from the need to sleep beside someone, a love that caters to our need for attention rather than passion, is a love that will not inspire you at 6am when you roll over and embrace it. Strive to discover foundational love, the kind of relationship that motivates you to be a better man or woman, the kind of intimacy that is rare rather than right there. “But I don’t want to be alone,” we often exclaim. Be alone. Eat alone, take yourself on dates, sleep alone. In the midst of this you will learn about yourself. You will grow, you will figure out what inspires you, you will curate your own dreams, your own beliefs, your own stunning clarity, and when you do meet the person who makes your cells dance, you will be sure of it, because you are sure of yourself. Wait for it. Please, I urge you to wait for it, to fight for it, to make an effort for it if you have already found it, because it is the most beautiful thing your heart will experience.

You ruin your life by letting your past govern it. It is common for certain things in life to happen to you. There will be heartbreak, confusion, days where you feel like you aren’t special or purposeful. There are moments that will stay with you, words that will stick. You cannot let these define you – they were simply moments, they were simply words. If you allow for every negative event in your life to outline how you view yourself, you will view the world around you negatively. You will miss out on opportunities because you didn’t get that promotion five years ago, convincing yourself that you were stupid. You will miss out on affection because you assumed your past love left you because you weren’t good enough, and now you don’t believe the man or the woman who urges you to believe you are. This is a cyclic, self-fulfilling prophecy. If you don’t allow yourself to move past what happened, what was said, what was felt, you will look at your future with that lens, and nothing will be able to breach that judgment. You will keep on justifying, reliving, and fueling a perception that shouldn’t have existed in the first place.

You ruin your life when you compare yourself to others. The amount of Instagram followers you have does not decrease or increase your value. The amount of money in your bank account will not influence your compassion, your intelligence, or your happiness. The person who has two times more possessions than you does not have double the bliss, or double the merit. We get caught up in what our friends are liking, who our significant others are following, and at the end of the day this not only ruins our lives, but it also ruins us. It creates within us this need to feel important, and in many cases we often put others down to achieve that.

You ruin your life by desensitizing yourself. We are all afraid to say too much, to feel too deeply, to let people know what they mean to us. Caring is not synonymous with crazy. Expressing to someone how special they are to you will make you vulnerable. There is no denying that. However, that is nothing to be ashamed of. There is something breathtakingly beautiful in the moments of smaller magic that occur when you strip down and are honest with those who are important to you. Let that girl know that she inspires you. Tell your mother you love her in front of your friends. Express, express, express. Open yourself up, do not harden yourself to the world, and be bold in who, and how, you love. There is courage in that.

You ruin your life by tolerating it. At the end of the day you should be excited to be alive. When you settle for anything less than what you innately desire, you destroy the possibility that lives inside of you, and in that way you cheat both yourself and the world of your potential. The next Michelangelo could be sitting behind a Macbook right now writing an invoice for paperclips, because it pays the bills, or because it is comfortable, or because he can tolerate it. Do not let this happen to you. Do not ruin your life this way. Life and work, and life and love, are not irrespective of each other. They are intrinsically linked. We have to strive to do extraordinary work, we have to strive to find extraordinary love. Only then will we tap into an extraordinarily blissful life."

This is copy and pasted from an article that i have read on the Thought Catalog.

One Last Time.

But stay with me for a minute,
I swear I'll make it worth it.

So that's it then. 8 weeks of BMT flew past just like that. It has been 8 weeks of inactivity, but there is so much to say. I remember enlisting on the 6th of May, feeling just like an ordinary civilian having no clue what is going to haopen during the first phase of my National Service life. There were many stories about how NS life would be like, but I didn't believe them. I wanted to make mine different, or at least, unique to myself. I remember taking the ferry to Tekong and enjoying the scenery on the way there,clearly oblivious to the type of life that I'm going to live with for the next 8 weeks. I remember being posted to Eagle company and that is possibly the best thing that has ever happened to me this year.

There was an opening address done by the school's Commanding Officer. It was boring yet informative. I felt the pressure and the anxiety when he announced that Eagle has been the best company for its past 3 batches. Surely, that was a whole lot of expectations placed on our shoulders right before we even started training. I remember looking around me and being barely able to find any familiar faces around me. There was a pledge, and then off we went to the cookhouse to have our farewell meals with our parents. Mine didn't say much, perhaps because they know that I'll be fine inside.

So off I went to the parade square as we bid our farewells. This was a start to a completely new chapter of my life. Since I had almost zero experience with uniformed groups, I felt a tang of nervousness because I thought that I would find it quite difficult to adapt to military life. We met our commanders and I was assigned into being part of platoon 2. It felt weird at first, because I initially didn't know anyone until I saw En Wei in the bunk.

Honestly speaking, I can't exactly list out the various events and activities that I've gone through for each day during my 8-week stay in Eagle company. Yes, there were tough moments which really tempted me to give up. But it was really through the endless encouragement and motivation from my peers and commanders that pushed me on.

In short, BMT has really given me an experience of a lifetime. I remember the anxiety I felt when I had to wait outside the live grenade range for 10 minutes with a live grenade in my vest. I remember the surge of euphoria running through my veins when I saw the grenade land on the ground and feeling the shock wave of the explosion afterwards. I remember digging my first shellscrape. It was hours of manual labour but it was well worth it. I remember the excitement on my face when my sergeants approved the dimensions of my shellscrape. I remember shooting my first blank round, and leopard crawling on the ground pretending that I was in some sort of jungle operations. I remember imagining myself as a terrorist when I had to fire blanks at my peers as I played the enemy during their training.

I remember being given my own rifle during the weapons ceremony and the load of responsibility placed on my shoulders once my platoon commander has handed it to me. I remember the very first time i shot a rifle with a live round and the target went down. I remember the times when my platoon was stuck in the jungle as the rain poured down continuously for 2 hours. We had so much fun then. I remember us making up the platoon pledge and singing songs and cheers like some crazy retards but we didn't care. I remember being certified a marksman. I remember training so hard for our UIA and drills competition and then going on to win the top prize. I remember standing in the rain for an hour during the graduation parade, waiting eagerly to throw my jockey cap.

In the blink of an eye, I have been through so much. But what makes BMT truly memorable are the friendships and brotherhood formed. Like what others before me have said, "in the many years to come, I will not remember all of this, but I'll still remember the crazy bunch of people that went through all of this with me." I'm really thankful for the platoon mates and commanders that I have. They have truly inspired and guided me into becoming a better person and hopefully, a better leader. I'll never forget the times when all of you spurred me on when I was feeling down and exhausted. I'm forever grateful for all the opportunities that you guys have given me and for the little to major influences that you've impacted me with.

Courage of steel, dauntless in war.
Platoon 2!

At least I'm being honest.