I'm sorry for not being good enough sometimes. I'm at a loss right now, feeling absolutely stunned and confused over everything that's going on. There are times when I feel like I'm on cloud nine, even if it's for all the wrong reasons. I don't even know whether the high that I'm on right now will ever be worth the pain in the future. I'm afraid of discovering the truth because I know that I may just end up as an utter disappointment to the people around me. Sometimes, I feel like I'm living the life of a fugitive who is constantly running away from the harsh reality of life. The questions keep popping up these days and it's getting harder to plaster a smile on my face and tell everyone that everything is okay. This mask that I'm wearing right now, it's suffocating me. Sometimes, I wonder what's the point of living when you can't be absolutely true to yourself. I'm really tired of running, but I can't bear to discover the truth as it may just break me completely.
The people around me have been really nice, but I just don't have the guts to let them enter into my life. Maybe it's because of the number of farewells/goodbyes that Ive been giving the past few years that made me lose faith in having a friend that lasts forever. Or maybe, just maybe the fact that if I let the light in, I may become a person with a different character because I'll be expecting way more from them. Maybe you are right. It's better to treat everyone now as mere colleagues because it'll just ease the pain and sorrow when you reach the point where all of us are at crossroads. We may go through shit together and become more bonded, but it might be better to keep our distance so that we won't be affected too much by the things that we'll be going through.
Honestly, hope is a dangerous game to me. It makes you cling onto something so impossible to achieve especially when you know that the odds are against you. It convinces your mind to follow your heart that'll will lead you down a path based on pure speculation and stupidity. And what hurts the most is that it'll usually bring disappointment when you've reached the end of the road. I'm sick and tired of trying to convince myself everytime that shit will get better one day, just to wait for that day when I'll realize that that day will never come. I don't wanna experience that feeling of opening up to someone else and losing that person again. Moving on has always been easy. It's the part about staying moved on that always makes it extremely difficult. It really sucks to realise that you were once close to someone who is currently like a stranger to you right now.
Maybe keeping the distance is the only way out now. Maybe it's really time to keep myself on the safe side so that I won't get hurt again.
I've been reading quite a bit lately. Can't really consider it as a lot of reading compared to most of my peers, but at least it's more than the amount that I usually read. A lot of things have been going on recently in my life, and both the events and the readings have made me realize many things or perhaps, misconceptions that I used to have in the past.
I used to think that the main task of a student, when I was one, was just to score well in my academics. Perhaps it's because of how much our society emphasizes on the importance of studies today or probably due to the fact that you'll gain that indescribable sense of pride whenever you get the highest score for whichever subject in class. And of course, in order to stand out, you had to be better than your competitors. I used to treat quizzes and exams like some sort of competition, where the winner is determined by the person who scored the highest marks. This perception during my early years didn't really grant me a lot of friends, as I would often look at my peers with animosity in my eyes. But hey, at least I made it out alive.
What I'm really trying to say is that I regret not viewing life in another perspective earlier. But who knows? I was still young and clearly oblivious to what's happening in the outside world. I regret letting many opportunities slip past just because I wanted my academics to be just fine. Looking back now, it would be good if I managed to learn a couple of things more. If only I learnt more skills/knowledge that cannot be taught inside a classroom. To be honest, I wish that I played more. I'm not talking about the computer games because I'm still playing them now, but like real sports. Could it be a sense of envy when I see many of my peers manage to dribble a ball well or at least be good in a certain sport and here I am, looking at them from the grandstand because I'm clearly too shy to demonstrate my less-than-stellar performance in sports. I've tried being more active by changing my lifestyle and trying to have an open-mind towards recreational activities but I guess that I'm kinda late.
In the past, I used to sneer at sporty people and wonder about what's the significance of 22 people on the field trying their best to snatch the ball away from each other's team when it's clearly just a ball. Perhaps that's the main reason why I decided to keep out from sports in the first place. But as I grow up, I'm starting to see a clearer picture of it right now. Sure, I used to think about how people associate sports with moral values and then gladly dismiss their remarks by associating them with bullshit. But as I grow up now, I'm starting to feel a little disconnected from the rest right now as sports really bonds people together. And being bad and shy about playing badly surely won't do much good.
Sports wasn't my only regret. There were just too many opportunities that I chose to miss out on. Chances to learn and develop new skills or even just to interact with more people. I've sacrificed many of these opportunities just for the sake of academics and computer games. Right now as I'm older and hopefully wiser, I'm starting to know much more people from the different places that I go to. And it makes me really envious whenever I meet someone who has managed to take up many of life's greatest opportunities and still manage to succeed in his/her academics.
"I cannot imagine how I will cope when I discover that my life is behind me, has already happened, and I have nothing to show for it. No treasure house of collection, no wealth of experience, no accumulated wisdom to pass on. What are we, if not an accumulation of our memories?"
Many count on memories to determine how far they have gone in life. But for me so far, I wish that I can say straight to myself that I have gone as far as I should, hoped or at least let it remain as a question unanswered. But I don't think so. To be honest, I'm starting to question what the fuck have I been doing with my life. I've faced this question before a few years back in some motivational workshop. I had answers then, like being a good son to my parents and a good friend to the people around me. I'm not saying that I've deviated from that path because I still care deeply for the people around me, but I'm starting to decipher this question in another manner now. What have I achieved so far that's worth a mention right now? To be brutally honest, I have achieved nothing that can be at least comparable to the people around me. I haven't been participating much in competitions in the past few years, much less winning them. It's like there has been a sudden void of events during the past few years of my life and it's really sad to realize that I've been seemingly wasting my life away and shutting myself out from the outside world for quite a long while.
I really hope for a change right now. But hoping for it is one thing and doing something about it is another. I've slightly more than 1.5 years to ponder it through and make my life more meaningful even though I may be restricted by my National Service commitments. Perhaps I should pick up a new skill or at least interact more with others and hopefully, make more genuine friends along the way before heading to university. But hey, maybe everything will turn out fine for me and all that I got to do right now is to stop wishing and actually do something about it.
When everything isn't yellow, will we still smile through broken glass and live in falsetto?
It's funny how I used to have these dreams of mine. Dreams of becoming something better than what I am now. Becoming the better lover. Being one of the most successful and popular celebrity in the world. Looking back at it now, it all seemed so childish. Maybe I was just a kid then, and I only knew about these big dreams without knowing what was expected of me. Don't get me wrong. I believe that there are instances when big dreams become reality for certain individuals. But I'm pretty sure that almost all of them did not start off being fed with a silver spoon. Most of them faced obstacles that seemed insurmountable. In fact, there were many others who were thrown into similar situations as them but failed due to various reasons and circumstances. Growing up made me realize that success demands hard-work and patience. There will be times when you feel like you're inching really close to your breaking point and being pushed to your limits, but it'll be worth it in the end if you decide to push on.
And this may be the ironic part after all. It feels like we're being raised in a society that teaches us that hard-work is the key in order for us to attain success. But what if it gives us an unrealistic expectation of what we want to achieve based on the amount of blood and sweat that we put in? Most of us want to pursue a successful career, have a great work-life balance and of course, enjoy retirement. I've been having a hunch that with all these expectations of ours, it makes us work harder, but prepares us lesser for the worst that has yet to come. Growing up made me realize that bigger dreams and ambitions will only lead to bigger disappointments and upsets in your life. That's why even though it may seem nice to think about what it feels like to be a successful lawyer or a doctor, it's these perceived visions of us that raises our expectations of what we want to achieve when we clearly know that there are certain conditions and circumstances that are completely uncontrolled by us. We may have the opportunity to prepare for the worst, but if we prepare for the unexpected, wouldn't the unexpected become expected, and we will still be vulnerable to the unexpected variables in life?
Maybe it's just the past experiences that I've had that made me become really pessimistic these days. I used to have those bigger dreams of mine of becoming outstanding from the rest. There have been many instances when I've been putting in lots of hard work but have been hit right in the head that I wasn't going to make it. Up till today, I still envy people who have an optimistic mindset because they're still able to see the positive side of life despite the whole load of bullshit that they have to go through. I don't think I'll ever be that kind of person again, since seeing the bright side of things only lead to bigger dreams and expectations, which will usually end up in tears and disappointment. I've learnt throughout the years that it'll be better to think negatively and try to list out the worst possible scenario and prepare hard for it. Even if nothing good comes out from anything that I do, I'll still be content because I know that I've done my best for it. And if a silver lining appears, I'll just take it as a blessing and be happy even if it's just for a little while.
Nothing lasts forever, but this is gonna take me down.
I don't know this could break my heart, or save me.
It's been a while since I really went back and see all of them together in one setting. It just feels so fictional that so many things can happen within just a few years. It's been a while since I've last seen many of them, and sometimes I really feel like I've failed as an older cousin because I am not really close to this side of the family. Being born and raised here, I feel extremely blessed to have benefitted from so many things that our dear country has given us. And even though this means that I have to sacrifice 2 years of my life to serve the country, I've always felt that this is one of the ways for me to give back to my society. To play a part in defending our country and of course, our friends and family even if it means that there will be difficult times ahead of me. Maybe it's the decision that we have made a long time ago and the distance separating us that have caused us to interact less. But I feel like I've really disappointed most of them because I was oblivious to the many events that were occuring within my extended family. Probably it was due to the fact that I didn't give two fucks about what was going on especially when my Cantonese wasn't so good as compared to the rest of my family so I feel really awkward whenever I'm with them. But sitting together on the same table made me realise that I've already become a stranger to most of them. And the worst part is, I don't even remember most of my cousins' names, let alone how they even look like. Some of them went through major surgeries and some of their immediate families met with a major family/financial crisis a few years back. But I didn't even give a single fuck when the disaster struck. Going back this time had made me question myself what have I done as a part of this family to deserve a spot in the family dinner when I have done absolutely nothing to show my care and concern for them when they are met with a crisis. Who am I to deserve that seat when I'm just a stranger to most of them.
It's really sad to know that some of them have been really unfortunate to be in certain situations that they are in right now. I've always been the stupid kid to them, since I don't really know how to interact with others well and I've always been doing badly in my academics in the past. They've always been the smart ones and my memory of them has always been that they're extremely blessed and happy. Sigh. Even the sands of time can wither the bravest and the strongest of hearts. I feel really empathetic when I heard that some of them no longer have the chance to enter a local university and get a local degree when I have the chance to do so now. It has only been a few years, and yet so much has changed.
I don't think that I am, or ever will be, a good role model for my younger cousins to look up to. We didn't even interact at all during that night, and I'm guessing that I'm becoming more and more invisible to their lives. Perhaps it's better this way, so that I won't really disrupt their lives that much since I make stupid decisions and act impulsively almost all the time. But still, it's pretty upsetting to realise that I'm much closer to my circle of friends when blood is supposed to be thicker than water. Regardless, I'm forever thankful to have people right by side everytime, even when I've hit ground bottom.
I can honestly say I am a nice and genuine person. I’m a people pleaser, which is one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I didn’t realize my importance and self-worth until one day; I woke up and said to myself, “Some people just aren’t worth it anymore.” I’m sick and tired of getting up every day living my life for other people.
I helped people who didn’t deserve my help. I tolerated people who didn’t deserve my patience. I listened to people who didn’t deserve my attention. I shared what I had to people who didn’t deserve to receive anything from me. I put up with all of this shit just to keep my so-called-friends in my life a bit longer. I’ve always thought to myself, “Be the bigger person.” I’d always say it’s okay if they’re not nice to you, as long as you’re nice to them because that’s who you really are.
I have been used, neglected, and left behind many times before. I know some of us are blinded by our own problems and issues we don’t see that they only come to us when they need something from us, but I knew it. And I still played along to their silly games. I did it because at the time, I thought I needed them more than they needed me. I felt dependent on other people. I felt like they were responsible for my happiness. So I was afraid of losing the people who mattered. I was afraid to let go of the people who I thought I couldn’t live without.
I became an illusion. I became what everyone wanted to see from me. I tried to live up to every expectation they had for me. I tried to be perfect. I tried to be what they wanted. I tried so hard to be someone they needed. But every time I tried, I ended up feeling shittier about myself. It was wrong. Everything was wrong.
Suddenly I realized I really wasn’t happy. I asked myself, “Why am I the only one trying?” and “Why I am the only one who has to adjust to others?” and “Why can’t they do the same for me?” I realized if I expected everyone to have the same heart as mine, I would end up disappointed. I realized why I did all those things in the first place despite of me being miserable. I wanted to belong. I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be wanted and needed. I wanted everyone to like me. I lived for other people.
It’s about time I thought about myself. I am capable of living my life without other people trying to drag me down. I am capable of making my own decisions despite what other think. I learned that it’s okay not to be okay. It’s about time I stood up for myself. I don’t have to depend on other people to decide on my happiness. I am capable of being happy just by being content with myself. I have the strength and courage to finally get what I want. I don’t mean to say that from now on, I’m a selfish person. What I’m saying is, you also have to think of yourself.
We all have a right to choose what’s best for us. For years I’ve been bottling up every bit of emotion I had in me. But the bottle’s got to pop someday. And finally, it did. It’s time I let go of all the negativity in my life. It’s time I let go of the people who bring me pain and sadness. It’s time I trust myself with my own happiness instead of depending it on others. It’s time I finally speak out. So fuck everyone who ever made me feel the way I did before. They’re not worth it.
Sometimes you’ve just got to know the people worth fighting for, living for, and dying for. I choose the people in my life. I’m free to choose what I want to do. It’s time I let go of the days I felt afraid, worthless, and unimportant. It’s time I finally live for myself because I know my life is worth living.
"Understand that life is not a straight line. Life is not a set timeline of milestones. It is okay if you don’t finish school, get married, find a job that supports you, have a family, make money, and live comfortably all by this age, or that age. It’s okay if you do, as long as you understand that if you’re not married by 25, or a Vice President by 30 — or even happy, for that matter — the world isn’t going to condemn you. You are allowed to backtrack. You are allowed to figure out what inspires you. You are allowed time, and I think we often forget that. We choose a program right out of high school because the proper thing to do is to go straight to University. We choose a job right out of University, even if we didn’t love our program, because we just invested time into it. We go to that job every morning because we feel the need to support ourselves abundantly. We take the next step, and the next step, and the next step, thinking that we are fulfilling some checklist for life, and one day we wake up depressed. We wake up stressed out. We feel pressured and don’t know why. That is how you ruin your life.
You ruin your life by choosing the wrong person. What is it with our need to fast-track relationships? Why are we so enamored with the idea of first becoming somebody’s rather than somebodies? Trust me when I say that a love bred out of convenience, a love that blossoms from the need to sleep beside someone, a love that caters to our need for attention rather than passion, is a love that will not inspire you at 6am when you roll over and embrace it. Strive to discover foundational love, the kind of relationship that motivates you to be a better man or woman, the kind of intimacy that is rare rather than right there. “But I don’t want to be alone,” we often exclaim. Be alone. Eat alone, take yourself on dates, sleep alone. In the midst of this you will learn about yourself. You will grow, you will figure out what inspires you, you will curate your own dreams, your own beliefs, your own stunning clarity, and when you do meet the person who makes your cells dance, you will be sure of it, because you are sure of yourself. Wait for it. Please, I urge you to wait for it, to fight for it, to make an effort for it if you have already found it, because it is the most beautiful thing your heart will experience.
You ruin your life by letting your past govern it. It is common for certain things in life to happen to you. There will be heartbreak, confusion, days where you feel like you aren’t special or purposeful. There are moments that will stay with you, words that will stick. You cannot let these define you – they were simply moments, they were simply words. If you allow for every negative event in your life to outline how you view yourself, you will view the world around you negatively. You will miss out on opportunities because you didn’t get that promotion five years ago, convincing yourself that you were stupid. You will miss out on affection because you assumed your past love left you because you weren’t good enough, and now you don’t believe the man or the woman who urges you to believe you are. This is a cyclic, self-fulfilling prophecy. If you don’t allow yourself to move past what happened, what was said, what was felt, you will look at your future with that lens, and nothing will be able to breach that judgment. You will keep on justifying, reliving, and fueling a perception that shouldn’t have existed in the first place.
You ruin your life when you compare yourself to others. The amount of Instagram followers you have does not decrease or increase your value. The amount of money in your bank account will not influence your compassion, your intelligence, or your happiness. The person who has two times more possessions than you does not have double the bliss, or double the merit. We get caught up in what our friends are liking, who our significant others are following, and at the end of the day this not only ruins our lives, but it also ruins us. It creates within us this need to feel important, and in many cases we often put others down to achieve that.
You ruin your life by desensitizing yourself. We are all afraid to say too much, to feel too deeply, to let people know what they mean to us. Caring is not synonymous with crazy. Expressing to someone how special they are to you will make you vulnerable. There is no denying that. However, that is nothing to be ashamed of. There is something breathtakingly beautiful in the moments of smaller magic that occur when you strip down and are honest with those who are important to you. Let that girl know that she inspires you. Tell your mother you love her in front of your friends. Express, express, express. Open yourself up, do not harden yourself to the world, and be bold in who, and how, you love. There is courage in that.
You ruin your life by tolerating it. At the end of the day you should be excited to be alive. When you settle for anything less than what you innately desire, you destroy the possibility that lives inside of you, and in that way you cheat both yourself and the world of your potential. The next Michelangelo could be sitting behind a Macbook right now writing an invoice for paperclips, because it pays the bills, or because it is comfortable, or because he can tolerate it. Do not let this happen to you. Do not ruin your life this way. Life and work, and life and love, are not irrespective of each other. They are intrinsically linked. We have to strive to do extraordinary work, we have to strive to find extraordinary love. Only then will we tap into an extraordinarily blissful life."
This is copy and pasted from an article that i have read on the Thought Catalog.
But stay with me for a minute, I swear I'll make it worth it.
So that's it then. 8 weeks of BMT flew past just like that. It has been 8 weeks of inactivity, but there is so much to say. I remember enlisting on the 6th of May, feeling just like an ordinary civilian having no clue what is going to haopen during the first phase of my National Service life. There were many stories about how NS life would be like, but I didn't believe them. I wanted to make mine different, or at least, unique to myself. I remember taking the ferry to Tekong and enjoying the scenery on the way there,clearly oblivious to the type of life that I'm going to live with for the next 8 weeks. I remember being posted to Eagle company and that is possibly the best thing that has ever happened to me this year.
There was an opening address done by the school's Commanding Officer. It was boring yet informative. I felt the pressure and the anxiety when he announced that Eagle has been the best company for its past 3 batches. Surely, that was a whole lot of expectations placed on our shoulders right before we even started training. I remember looking around me and being barely able to find any familiar faces around me. There was a pledge, and then off we went to the cookhouse to have our farewell meals with our parents. Mine didn't say much, perhaps because they know that I'll be fine inside.
So off I went to the parade square as we bid our farewells. This was a start to a completely new chapter of my life. Since I had almost zero experience with uniformed groups, I felt a tang of nervousness because I thought that I would find it quite difficult to adapt to military life. We met our commanders and I was assigned into being part of platoon 2. It felt weird at first, because I initially didn't know anyone until I saw En Wei in the bunk.
Honestly speaking, I can't exactly list out the various events and activities that I've gone through for each day during my 8-week stay in Eagle company. Yes, there were tough moments which really tempted me to give up. But it was really through the endless encouragement and motivation from my peers and commanders that pushed me on.
In short, BMT has really given me an experience of a lifetime. I remember the anxiety I felt when I had to wait outside the live grenade range for 10 minutes with a live grenade in my vest. I remember the surge of euphoria running through my veins when I saw the grenade land on the ground and feeling the shock wave of the explosion afterwards. I remember digging my first shellscrape. It was hours of manual labour but it was well worth it. I remember the excitement on my face when my sergeants approved the dimensions of my shellscrape. I remember shooting my first blank round, and leopard crawling on the ground pretending that I was in some sort of jungle operations. I remember imagining myself as a terrorist when I had to fire blanks at my peers as I played the enemy during their training.
I remember being given my own rifle during the weapons ceremony and the load of responsibility placed on my shoulders once my platoon commander has handed it to me. I remember the very first time i shot a rifle with a live round and the target went down. I remember the times when my platoon was stuck in the jungle as the rain poured down continuously for 2 hours. We had so much fun then. I remember us making up the platoon pledge and singing songs and cheers like some crazy retards but we didn't care. I remember being certified a marksman. I remember training so hard for our UIA and drills competition and then going on to win the top prize. I remember standing in the rain for an hour during the graduation parade, waiting eagerly to throw my jockey cap.
In the blink of an eye, I have been through so much. But what makes BMT truly memorable are the friendships and brotherhood formed. Like what others before me have said, "in the many years to come, I will not remember all of this, but I'll still remember the crazy bunch of people that went through all of this with me." I'm really thankful for the platoon mates and commanders that I have. They have truly inspired and guided me into becoming a better person and hopefully, a better leader. I'll never forget the times when all of you spurred me on when I was feeling down and exhausted. I'm forever grateful for all the opportunities that you guys have given me and for the little to major influences that you've impacted me with.
I'm giving my all, but I'm not the guy you're taking home.
I am honestly feeling extremely confused right now. It feels like I'm going round in circles. To put it simply, the last 4 months have been a roller coaster ride for me. There were times when I should've made better decisions, and there were also times that brought me euphoria and satisfaction with my life. And right now, I have already made one of the most important decisions that I'll ever make in my entire life. Probably it can be said as should have, because it feels like I'm being pulled back to square one again.
For those who don't know me too well, I've always had a passion in serving others because it just makes me happy whenever I do so. Perhaps I didn't really show it to my peers whenever they needed help but thinking about it now, I was quite fucked up when I was young. I've been reckless, crazy and extremely emotional. In fact, I still am right now because I tend to over-think and over-complicate things all by myself. I know this weakness of mine and the need for me to overcome it. But when paranoia strikes, I'm an entirely different person. Perhaps it's because of these attributes of mine and my fucked up personality in the past that didn't allow me to have many friends in the past,but I'm really glad to have people who stood by my side all along. I may not have shown my gratitude explicitly to them, but I'm working on it.
Moving on, I'm really thankful to have been given many opportunities to serve the people around me in one way or another. Throughout my school experience, I've been constantly blessed with leadership positions, opportunities to do community work and internships. It has been through these experiences that further ignited the passion within me to serve. And since young, I've always wanted to be a teacher. A math teacher to be exact. I've always liked the idea of helping others to overcome a problem, and there were many problems in mathematics for all of us to solve. To be honest with myself, math has always been my strength in academics and I really, really wanted to be a math teacher from the start.
And so I have been working hard to reach this goal of mine. I would be lying if I said that I've put in 100 percent worth of effort in trying to fulfill my aspirations, but I think that the amount of work that I've put in is commendable. I've been doing consistently well in mathematics and I can feel myself inching closer to the finish line as time passed by. However, during my Junior College days, I have been exposed to the world of Economics and have developed a liking towards it too. And when I looked at the university entry criteria, I realized that it was much easier to be eligible for a Bachelor of Science (Education) degree as compared to more popular courses such as Accountancy. As I was struggling quite badly for my other subjects, I opted to aim for Accountancy instead. Because I knew that even if I couldn't make the cut for Accountancy, I could still fulfill my aspirations to become a full time teacher and inspire others. But alas, I had been blessed once again with the opportunity to pursue a degree in Accountancy in at least 2 of the local universities.
And this was when the big dilemma started to strike.
Here's a little insight about me. I'm pragmatic, impulsive and extremely emotional even though I like to serve others. I like planning stuff, and tend to think way ahead and prepare the necessary for the worst to come. I tend to look more towards logic and my brain instead of my heart because being too emotional has usually clouded my judgement in the past. And one bad part of being pragmatic is that I'm extremely calculative. I won't say that I'm living a lavish or poor lifestyle, but I always had high expectations with myself whenever it comes to food and happiness. I've always believed that there are two things in life that will stay with you wherever you go: food and knowledge. That is why I usually would be willing to spend more on food whenever I feel the urge to, and binge eating used to be one of my bad habits to tackle my stress and anxiety attacks in the past. Knowledge. Yeah, we need that to survive in the world today. But going back to the point, I don't exactly expect myself to own a car or a super big terrace house. I'm fine with living in a 5 room HDB flat and settling with hawker food (because our hawker food is seriously really good), but all this require some form of expenses too. I don't want to live the type of life that requires me to be overly concerned on how much I spend if not I'll hardly make ends meet for myself. That'll make me unhappy. I just want to settle for a happy and comfortable life.
I'm impulsive. I've made countless irrational decisions in the past because I couldn't bring myself to think through just a few seconds more whenever the stress and anxiety kicks in. Maybe it's because of this attribute that molded me into a person that plans for the future to lessen the damage fron this characteristic. But even today, I wish that I can go back in time and change many things. Because i didnt think clearly and did not react in the most appropriate manner. And this is the part of being too emotional starts to kick in. I have a huge range of emotions, and tend to show all of them from one end to another end of the spectrum frequently. And being too impulsive makes me do things based on my emotions. I know that I've been telling others not to trust their heart but their brain, but I have been having first-hand how difficult it is to heed this piece of advice.
Anyway, back to the dilemma. It was and still is a career dilemma. To become an accountant and pursue my interest in Economics and checking things or fulfill my long time aspiration to become a teacher. The main problem to this is that I've heard way too many stories that Accountants cannot be teachers. This means that I cannot change into my other desired career if I chose the other. Both careers allow me to help others and serve the community because I get to help companies and check for inefficiencies in one or inspire the next generation in the other. The universities didn't offer economics as part of the bachelor of science/arts (education) degree as well. But after days of careful deliberation, i've decided to go for Accountancy first because I did not have any passion for the sciences or arts, and I only wanted to further my interests in the statistical part of mathematics. To be honest, I was feeling really emotional from this decision because it feels really upsetting to let go of your childhood dream even when you still have the capability and means to fulfill it.
I applied for Accountancy and I got in. I got what I wanted, but it didn't feel satisfying enough. I wanted to use my results to get something more. Something like a scholarship. I do not want my parents to spend so much money on my education even when they can afford the school fees because 40 k is really a huge sum of money. I feel that the money would be better spent on their future retirement because it's their hard earned money and savings. I scored decently for my A level exams, and I wanted to get a scholarship. I've applied for many, but I haven't been receiving any good news yet. I know that this may seem a little selfish of me, but I get really jealous when people inform me that they've been shortlisted or even offered a scholarship. Don't get me wrong, I feel really happy for them. But I would feel happier if I were in their shoes too. Because right now, it seems like almost everyone around me (or at least those in my direct circle of friends) are getting opportunities for a scholarship, while I'm just sitting around praying hard that I'll be shortlisted for one. Sometimes, I feel really minute compared to others because it seem like I'm just not good enough for one. Perhaps this is true right from the start, but it really sucks to have this thought in your head with some sort of evidence to support this motion. I've received news that I should be receiving some sort of notification this week if I were to be shortlisted for one of the scholarships that I've applied for, but the chances of it happening is a little bit small right now.
And recently, I've received news that I was shortlisted for a Teaching Scholarship. This isn't like the 'shortlisted' kind that my friends have experienced because I did not even apply for it. And to think that i was shortlisted, it really feels like it's been my calling all along to teach, but I've already turned my back away from it once. Getting this email made me seriously reconsider on which career path i would like to embark on because I can feel the younger me smacking my face senselessly for turning away from being a teacher. But the biggest problem here is that I've already applied and got accepted into the School of Accountancy. Accountants cannot be teachers, and this would mean that I'll be most likely rejected from the scholarship because it's too late to change my choice now. Sigh. I can feel this opportunity slipping through the palm of my heads even though I have not really decided on whether I want to be an auditor or a teacher.
Sigh. So this has been my life so far. And yeah, I've been thinking too much recently too. I don't know whether this is a good sign or not because sometimes, the things that I've been thinking about come true. And usually during the periods of time when I don't want to. I've been training quite decently for ns i guess? Time really flies. It feels like the A levels were just yesterday, and I'm already enlisting in a few weeks time. The feeling really sucks because things will change even more when I enlist. With only two days if free time every week after my confinement, I have to set my priorities right and that means that i may lose contact with some people around me. It feels really upsetting to let go of the civillian life for the next 22 months, but I guess that is required by the country. I think that I will be fine, since there are many before me who have survived and completed their service. But I'm still anxious or even scared of what's ahead of me. I just hope that I'll make it out alive.
You don't see me standing there, I just came to say goodbye.
Yet experience has taught me that fate is sometimes cruel and that even a boatload of hope is sometimes not enough.
I think I've been expecting too much of myself all this while. Maybe it's because I've already experienced things that seemed to be the best at that point in time, that it can no longer be bested by something else. And this sucks, because sometimes you are given only the option to let the best go and settle for second-best instead. I'm not saying that second-best is bad, but perhaps it's just not good enough to meet your hopes that have been bench-marked with the best all along.
I'm still finding a person who knows me completely. I'm not saying this in terms of finding a girlfriend or whatever, but just someone who gets me and understands how I feel about things. We may not agree with one another on everything, but at least we can talk about anything under the sun. I'm still trying to find a person whom I can spend silence comfortably with. I don't know why, but it has been really hard for me to talk to people about what I really feel. I often have this feeling that I'll be judged as someone who is overbearing, too clingy or even weird just because of the want to express my true thoughts and opinions on things that may seem really minute and insignificant at times. It really feels like I've been bottling up too many things within myself and I really want to be honest with myself, and at least with one person by my side. I've tried opening up to the people around me recently, but I've been getting the same old insecurities whenever I do that.
Moving on, I honestly have this feeling that I'll remain forever single. Like in all my life, I'll forever be single and be alone in everything that I do. Some may say that solitude can be good at times, but it's really sad thinking about myself that way now. I don't think I can ever love someone more than myself, and I don't think that I'll ever have the commitment to remain devoted in something. I don't know man. Love seems so foreign to me. I've just watched 'The Longest Ride' on cinemas and I've been simply blown away by the chivalry that the male protagonist has shown. I honestly can't see myself doing half of the things that he has done, or even having a quarter of his good attributes. Sigh. It's already hard enough for me to find someone who understands me, let alone someone who loves me.
I think that the point is that people rarely understand that nothing is ever exactly what you think it will be.
Sunday, April 5, 2015
I'm actually heeding the advice that I usually give others.
I don't even know if I believe everything you're trying to say to me.
Maybe what she said was true. There'll be times when you'll meet extraordinary people. People that will take your breath away or even change your life completely, even if it's just for a little while. But the catch is, no matter how great the moments you spent with that person were, they are meant to come and go. They are meant to exist in your life solely because they're there for a reason. Maybe it's to teach you something, or give you experiences that you'd wished you had in the past. Maybe they're a gift from your fairy god-mothers or fathers. But just like the classic Disney fairy tale, the spell will end at midnight, and all of the magical effects will cease to exist.
I don't want all of it to end one day. I want this experience to last forever. Heck, I want this friendship to last forever. But history is drawing me back every single time. I've seen too many people come and go and have my faith restored and shattered at the end of the day again, and again. I know that it's really selfish of me to think that way, and I shouldn't even be a reason for you to stay. I know that your future will be pretty much secured once you get through everything that needs to be done. You'll be happy, and I really hope you do. I want you to be happy, and maybe that's what I should be ultimately asking for. Sometimes it's good to exclude myself from the main picture, because it's your life and it's your decision. As much as I find solace in your hesitation to leave, you should go. Because I believe that that'll make your life better and it'll make you happy. As much as I find it hard to bid farewell in the future, you should go considering your best interests at heart.
It's really weird sometimes, because your hopes and dreams can be completely different from what the other party thinks. And you have completely zero control of what is going to happen next. It's never and perhaps it'll never be your turn to lay your cards, because you have no say. I feel really selfish thinking this way, because I'll be only considering myself all the time. There'll be grief, there'll be sorrow and there'll be sadness. I don't want to deal with all of this again. But it seems really imminent right now. I really hate goodbyes, and you're making it so much harder every single time. Maybe then, I'll say things that I should have said a long time ago. All the thoughts and the unsaid things that I should've voiced out when we talked. It's getting harder and harder for me to filter all of them whenever we met, because the voices in my head are getting louder as time passes. Maybe in the future, I'll restore my faith in friendships like how you did for me. But no matter what, all I can do now is believe eh? Believe that you'll make the right decision for yourself, and not because of the people around you.
I've been hit with a rough patch recently. I've been having too much confidence these days, and I've been thinking that I'll get into the courses that I've always aspired to be in. But I guess I was proven wrong again and again. The chances don't look really encouraging right now, knowing that I've pretty much screwed up the interview. I know that my results are decent, but they won't really take me as far as what I had hoped initially. Complacency is a bitch, really. But now everything's said and done already, and all I can do right now is to have hope.
Believe. Can I do it again? I've been through too many bad experiences with the people/things around me that made me lose hope in believing. Maybe that's the reason why I've become so pessimistic these days. There's nothing much to be optimistic about anyway. I've learnt that faith brings you nowhere but disappointment, because nothing can feel worse than knowing that you've put your faith in the wrong places when the result is already imminent. I'm currently at a loss right now. What should I do from this point onward? Should I continue and make the necessary preparations for the worse to come, or treasure all the remaining pockets of time that I'm left with this particular friend of mine? The former will make it easier to say goodbye with lesser memories made, while the latter will make it that much harder to say goodbye. Fuck. I can't believe I'm in this position again. I had to make this decision three years ago, and I regret it up till this day. But the circumstances are different today. There have been attempts to make this friendship work. There have been attempts to maintain everything that we have right now. And that makes everything so much more complicated.
I thought that life was never worse, and never better. I was wrong. Maybe she was right. Some things are just not meant to be, no matter how much you try. Some people will only be there in your life temporarily, to teach you a lesson or two before disappearing into the past. I'm not talking about goodbyes, but the mere act of forgetting and losing.
I can't believe that I'm currently questioning my plight in this right now. I should be content with the results that I have, but I'm not. Maybe it's because I'm capable of so much more. Or maybe it's because I'm just drunk of jealousy. I should be feeling happy, but my heart dies a little inside whenever I think of my own results. I've always thought that I knew the path that I would want to take. But guess what? I was wrong. There are many things that have been cropping up recently, and this feeling really sucks because I can't think of anything to find a resolution. Should I try my very best to tolerate another 4 years of schooling and choose the career path that I've been aspiring to take all along? Or should I just take a safe route, and take a second major if I'm fated to do so?
Sigh. If only there were more flexibility given to the career paths in universities..
This week is going to be a closure for many things. I can't believe that 9 weeks have just passed by so quickly. I used to be a stranger to my students. I used to be just an observer of lessons. But now, they're worth so much more to me. I teach them math, but they taught me values that I've never placed much emphasis on. I'll really miss these kids a lot, even though the time spent with them has been relatively short.
Sigh. I thought that all of the worrying and anxiety will end after I get my results. But I was wrong. Life moves on, even when you don't want it to. I'm naturally anxious about army life, and all of the things that I'll be doing then. But I'm thinking of all the intangible things right now. Like what can I do with my abilities right now? What road should I take, and what road led me her in the first place? I thought I've figured out what I want to do in the long break. But what I've planned is ending this week. I don't know whether should I say another round of farewell to the person whom I've been extremely close with these days. There are some days when I feel like I'm utterly useless, because I don't even know what I'm thinking about, or what I'm doing. I've been acting really weird these days. Doing things that I swore I'll never do to all the thoughts that have been swarming into my mind. I don't know whether I'm over-thinking things again this time. I'm thinking of making another closure, but I'm not entirely certain whether this is the right choice to make. Because the last time I've made this decision, I regret it up till this day. The suspicion has been raised, but I am still unsure of my thoughts and feelings to even address it. Maybe I should call it a day and just end everything. I honestly don't know. Maybe this is what jealousy feels like. Maybe I'm just not cut out to be the type of person who can feel happy for other people because I'll just keep comparing myself to them and feel inferior at the same time.
There are some days that I wish I know you. And there are some days I wish I didn't. I've gotten used to goodbyes, but I don't want to experience one again with a close friend of mine. Maybe I should start creating the distance between me and others again. So that when the time comes, it'll be much easier for me to bid farewell. I'm starting to prepare myself for that moment to come. And as much as I hate it, you should go if you're given the chance to. If you happen to come across this post, just know that I would want you to go, no matter how unwilling I am to let you go. I don't want my emotions or use this connection as a reason for you to stay, because it's too big a decision to make.
Maybe some day, if you decide to go, we'll stumble upon one another somewhere and go back to where we came from, and revert to how things were like then.
But this is just a speculation. It may not even come true in the first place.
Didn't you call my fears with the Cheshire cat's smile?
Monday, March 2, 2015
I really hope that everything turns out fine later, even though the chances of it happening are very slim now.
It’s funny how someone you have known for just a few months can
change so many aspects of your life, while the same cannot be said for some
whom you have already known for years. These few weeks, I've been keeping
myself really busy with the internship and my exercise schedule, but I've also
been having loads of fun. These few weeks, I've been really happy. Yes, I've
toned down my social life a little bit because I didn't really want to be
constantly troubled with the little upsets that a social life may bring, but
I've been really happy. I guess I've been having more fun than all of the other
holidays that I have had in my entire life.
Just yesterday, I experienced Singapore’s nightlife for the
first time, twice in a single day. I’m really thankful for the friends who
broadened my perspectives on life. And I’m appreciative of friends who will
find time to experience the wonders of life together with you. I think that I’m
starting to understand why some of my friends enjoy going out all night. The
night view and night attractions are simply breath-taking. It feels like some
sort of enlightenment, because I've never experienced the same gush of euphoria
and wildness before. Seeing all the pretty lights that shined so bright, but
they never seem to blind me while I danced.
Moving on, I'm starting to understand why some people turn to alcohol when they are feeling down and weary. Maybe I'm still fortunate because there's no need for me to do so, but the substance really makes you high. It offers you a chance to escape reality and forget all of your troubles, even if it's just for a little while. I had my first few virgin shots during the last few weeks and it really feels different when you're under the influence of alcohol. Maybe I felt happier. Maybe I really felt more carefree. But I'm afraid of leaking out things that I shouldn't have. Some things are better left unsaid, and I'm really worried that my filter starts to malfunction when I'm intoxicated.
It's been a while since I've last posted, and many things have happened. There's only 2 months left before my enlistment date. And there are so many things that I still wanna experience before going into confinement and feel the boundaries drawing closer towards me. There are still a lot of things in my post-As list that I've yet to fulfill. There are many new year revelations that are still incomplete. And there are just so many friends that I wanna have a cup of coffee with before the due date arrives. If only I had more time to fulfill all these little things. They may be tall orders, but I'll try my absolute best to catch up with what I'm supposed to do this year.
2014 passed by in the blink of an eye because of all the examination preparations and insufficient time to do everything. It just feels so surreal because I'm going to collect my results in a few hours time. Even though I've been through this process at least twice by now, I still feel the butterflies in my stomach and the surge of anxiety whenever I think of it. Honestly speaking, I don't think I'll be receiving good news of any sort when I arrive at my ex-school later. Don't get me wrong, I've enjoyed my stay there. But there are just too many things that I've fucked up during the 'A' level period. I could've done more, and could've reacted better to my condition then. But I did otherwise. Can I say that I've prepared enough for the examinations? I guess so. But the execution went horribly wrong. Maybe it's the anxiety and nervousness that are getting into my head during the crucial period. Sigh, it's really too late saying all this right now. I can only hope for good results and that's the only thing that I can do right now. Many people have been talking about how many distinctions that they are hoping to achieve and I just feel a little upset on the inside whenever I hear them. Don't get me wrong, I feel happy for them because they must have felt really confident of their answers, but the topic just keeps reminding me of the distinctions that I'll never get due to the mistakes that I've made.
My results. I have little confidence that they'll even be on par with my prelim results. And I think that I won't ever get the opportunity to receive the cheque/reward for good academic results from Mr Kwek. I feel like I'm a disappointment. Not only to myself but also to the people around me. I know that there are people who really thought that I'll be able to pass the examinations with flying colors. I'm really sorry if you're one of them, because I have absolutely no faith in being able to survive through the entire mess that I've created.
I can now imagine myself being filled with disappointment and upset later. It seems really ironic saying this, but sometimes, I think that I deserve it. Sometimes I really wonder whether I'm a disappointment in life because I've made countless wrong decisions since I was born. Maybe they weren't exactly wrong, but there were definitely better alternatives when I look back now. I'm starting to feel the pieces of me crumble into dust. Honestly speaking, I do not know where to go from here. When I receive my less-than-average results, where can I go? I may not be even worthy enough to further my studies and become forced into entering the working world. Yes, it's just an examination and it doesn't necessarily represent the end of the world, but it may represent the end of my world. Where can I go from here? Do I just settle for a low-paying job and hope that I'll be content with life? Do I choose to give up my aspirations and settle for something safe? Or do I retake my 'A' levels with the chance of flunking it again? If I don't go up the stage later, my world may just start to disintegrate. Because it'll just be a start of telling me what a disappointment that I have been. Nothing worthy more than a piece of shit. At least shit clears the undigested food in your body. But what can I do? Absolutely nothing. I can't even clear an examination properly. Maybe it's time to take a bitter mouthful of reality and realize how shitty I've been, instead of pinning my hopes so far and realizing none of them at the end of the day.
Honestly, I feel like having a drink right now. I know that alcohol isn't a permanent solution. But at least it takes the pain away. If I do badly, who will still be there right by my side to support me? Who will still be there to lend me a shoulder to cry on? I honestly don't know. Sometimes I feel that I've been giving away too many pieces of me that I've become an insignificant person to the people around me. Sometimes, I feel extremely lonely on the inside, because it's really difficult to tell someone what I really feel about things. Perhaps it's because of the barriers that I've put in place to prevent myself from being too emotionally attached to friendships and relationships. And they prevent me from some things that I really wanna say, because I'm constantly afraid that I'll say the wrong things and affect the friendship. Honestly, I used to live a life of keeping everything to myself. I still do during certain occasions, but it's really a torture bottling all your emotions up because you're afraid of losing things that you cherish.
Maybe I've been too picky in the past, and let my expectations defined what a 'perfect' friend would be. Maybe I've neglected/have been oblivious to the little things around me that I should've noticed instead of being too carried away with bigger dreams of mine. And now, I'm stuck on this lonely road with nowhere to go.
I messed up this time.
Saturday, January 31, 2015
"Provoke thought.
Turn things upside down.
Look at things a different way.
Have a little more tolerance than you would ordinarily.
Love a little more,
and feel a little more."
Friday, January 23, 2015
I still get jealous sometimes when I see others posting their happy moments on social media. I feel really happy for them, but the posts make me realize that there are so many things that I haven't experienced even though I want to. Maybe I expected too much from life and maybe, I should re-evaluate my hopes and dreams that are ahead of me. Perhaps things aren't as perfect as what I thought they're going to be.
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
"I'm all glued back together now.
I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke."
Monday, January 19, 2015
Self respect. Do we show it enough? Do we care for our own just as well as what we expect others to do for us? Sometimes, it's really hard to say yes because of the actions that we commit. There may have been times when a better judgement would lead to a greater conclusion, but did we think of the consequences first before acting? I once chose the classic approach - to face with the problem directly. But no solution was found up till today. And then I chose to run, and it seems to be working. At least I feel free and happier to begin with. Running away seems to be the cowardly choice and it certainly doesn't show that I have self respect for myself. Simply because I didn't put in as much (or even any) hard work in dealing with the challenge as I probably should. And running away may mean that I've simply given up and deprived myself of an opportunity to find a resolution.
Honestly, if I could go back in time and have the opportunity to change everything again, I probably might have done the same thing even with hindsight in mind. Maybe running away seems to be the solution, even when it doesn't solve the problem entirely. At least it releases me from the chains that have bound me for far too long. At least it tells me that I still can be me again, instead of working on how I can change to fit in better.
What if I could have done things better. I'm pretty sure that my way of handling things isn't perfect, but I've been trying my best in improving what I can (or what I must). Anyway, it has been only a week into my teaching internship and I have already learnt so much. I must say that I had a rough start because the school's like a maze and it's difficult to navigate around. And I don't know why but, I used to have trouble trying to be strict at times and friendly outside the class. I tried working on it last week and I'm glad to say that I have made a significant amount of progress. I smiled more, frowned less and started to talk to the students more. Sometimes, it may seem like a memory because everything that you've done and seen in the past may come up again. Maybe I've been a naughty student once.. but oh well. Maybe's karma's coming back at me for what I have done in the past.. But no matter what, I should probably show more self-respect in the things that I do in the future..
" You're happy? You're happy now? The Meredith I knew was a force of nature. Passionate, focused, a fighter. What happened to you? You've gone soft! Stammering about a boyfriend and saying you're waiting to be inspired. You're waiting for inspiration. Are you kidding me?! I have a disease for which there is no cure. I think that would be inspiration enough! Listen to me, Meredith. Anyone can fall in love and be blindly happy! But not everyone can pick up a scalpel and save a life. I raised you to be an extraordinary human being, so imagine my disappointment when I wake up after five years and discover that you're no more than... ordinary! What happened to you?! "
- Ellis Grey, Grey's Anatomy, " Wishin' and Hopin' "
There'll always be days when you find yourself surrounded by darkness and nothing but silence. Maybe I'm just speaking metaphorically, but almost all of us should have had days when we felt all by ourselves - alone and lonely. It is times like these when we ask ourselves, should we continue to brave the storm or succumb to it? Because it'll certainly feel easier to just stop trying and give up everything that you've been working so hard for, especially when you've lost your vision along the way.
But trust me, I know that feeling. It feels like you're tired of everything in life. Tired of fighting, tired of holding on, or even tired of doing nothing at all. Maybe it really feels like there's no one by your side right now. But I can assure you, there are. You may be alone, but you're never lonely even when you're lost in the shadows. Use the darkness as your guide and let the light in. Being alone may not feel like the greatest feeling in the world, but it gives you the opportunity to reflect and find solumn in everything that you do. Once again, let the light in. Because once you have managed to reflect and envision what's up ahead in the tunnel right ahead again, use the darkness to find the light and take it further from there.
You can do it. The night will cover your eyes. Voices will tell you lies. Stones will slow your feet down and circles will turn you around. But the day that you've been waiting for will arrive when the counting ends. So muster a bit of courage and proceed further. Because you may only be slightly away from your goal. Let your heart speak for itself, and you'll know what to do then.
You were ready and you still are. You have all that it takes. And now, you just have to believe in yourself to do the incredible things that you've once imagined.
1. Plan 3 things (even if they are really simple or tedious) to do everyday. Get them done quickly and to the best of my ability. We live each day only once. Might as well use the days to the fullest.
2. Have an outing with friends and family once a week. It's great to unwind, and notice the people around me more.
3. Walk away from the things that make you upset constantly, and look at the brighter side of life. There's no point looking at things that throw only shades of disappointment and negativity into my life.
4. Develop a weekly routine. Maybe exercise for at least twice a week. Do something to make the weeks pass by more productively.
5. Know at least 15 songs that are outside of the mainstream genre. Maybe I should delve a little deeper into rock, RnB and country genres.
6. Listen to at least 300 new songs in 2015. And maybe learn how to sing at least 10 of them? I haven't been good in karaokes recently...
7. Speak up, or say nothing at all. Things may take a turn for the better if the words are said. But sometimes, some things are better left unsaid.
8. Have a more organized life. This one's a little tricky, because I have been wishing this for years but to no avail. I'll try again and hopefully, I'll have the committment to do so. I'll use Google Calendar more often, and keep my room tidy as much as possible..
9. Say no to the things that I can't commit. Turn away from the temptations when I can't bear the responsibility and consequences. The high is not worth the pain.
10. Be more adventurous. I have been in the safe path for far too long. Perhaps it's because of the experiences and misadventures that I had in the past. But it's been a while for me to recover, and time for me to get out of my shell to explore the greater things in life. Thinking about it, there have been a lot of experiences that I've been missing out on in Singapore.
11. Have at least an hour for myself daily. And this means staying away from my phone or all sorts of digital communication. One hour a day for me to do anything that I want, or possibly can. Even if it means that I'll be stoning in my bed for an hour doing nothing at all. It'll be great to find myself a little bit of peace everyday.
12. Put in more effort in displaying the love/care that I have for the people around me. I've been neglecting a lot of simple things that would mean a lot to others just because of studies. It's time that I spend more time in creating moments with the family and friends around me. I hope that I'll create at least 25 special moments with them this year.
13. Choose my battles wisely. If I wanna go, then go. If I wanna stay, then stay. There's no point wasting time getting stuck in dilemmas, weighing everything on both ends and end up doing nothing at all, literally. Make decisions quickly, and stick to them as much as I possibly can.
14. Maintain close contact with at least 15 friends from my JC life. This one is gonna be tough because all of us are already at crossroads. But I'll make it happen. I know I can.
15. Work on my fashion sense. This one is really difficult because I literally have zero fashion sense and all of my close friends know it. Regardless, I already have a great headstart from my trip to Taiwan and I hope that this momentum will continue to build up.
These two years have really gone by in a flash. I'm still having mixed emotions about them, because I have been through ups and downs many times. I'm really glad that NYJC has molded me to become the person that I am today. I still remember being scarred from past experiences and honestly, I thought that JC life would be a hell lot worse because of its tremendous amount of stress. But I was wrong. NYJC proved me wrong. I'm really thankful that I have chosen to enter this school, because I wouldn't have had that much development and eye-opening experiences if I had been to another. Yes, we place emphasis on studies. But I'm really blessed to be in a school that focuses a lot on its environment. I'm proud to say that I'm from NYJC as I have really enjoyed my stay there.
I would like to thank my friends and teachers. Tuition peepz, Chanan7, 1320, ODAC, Chang, Novus, Dolphin, Novus 1 and all the other friends that I've made through the people I've listed. All of you have played a significant role in molding the person I am today. Thank you for changing my impression of friendships and making the ones I have with all of you valuable. We've been through a lot of shit and I know that I've given you some shit to handle as well. But thank you for staying by my side and supporting me as I embark my journey in JC. I'm pretty sure that all of you are the ones that make me open up and be happier in school. In fact, most of you are the main reasons why I come to school. And now, even though our time together as schoolmates has ended, I really hope that we'll keep in touch in the future no matter where we are, or where we go.
The two years spent here have been eventful. I am truly blessed to be able to participate in so many events in a short period of time. JC1 orientation, Class bonding, being the president of ODAC, taking part in camps, taking up internships, being an orientation group leader and going overseas. Looking back now, I'm really impressed on the number of activities that I have convinced myself to participate in. The experiences that I had were eye-opening and I really hope that I'll be able to encounter similar opportunities in the future as well.
Thank you 2013 and 2014. Here's to another amazing year ahead.
