Dancing On My Own.

I'm giving my all,
but I'm not the guy you're taking home.

I am honestly feeling extremely confused right now. It feels like I'm going round in circles. To put it simply, the last 4 months have been a roller coaster ride for me. There were times when I should've made better decisions, and there were also times that brought me euphoria and satisfaction with my life. And right now, I have already made one of the most important decisions that I'll ever make in my entire life. Probably it can be said as should have, because it feels like I'm being pulled back to square one again.

For those who don't know me too well, I've always had a passion in serving others because it just makes me happy whenever I do so. Perhaps I didn't really show it to my peers whenever they needed help but thinking about it now, I was quite fucked up when I was young. I've been reckless, crazy and extremely emotional. In fact, I still am right now because I tend to over-think and over-complicate things all by myself. I know this weakness of mine and the need for me to overcome it. But when paranoia strikes, I'm an entirely different person. Perhaps it's because of these attributes of mine and my fucked up personality in the past that didn't allow me to have many friends in the past,but I'm really glad to have people who stood by my side all along. I may not have shown my gratitude explicitly to them, but I'm working on it.

Moving on, I'm really thankful to have been given many opportunities to serve the people around me in one way or another. Throughout my school experience, I've been constantly blessed with leadership positions, opportunities to do community work and internships. It has been through these experiences that further ignited the passion within me to serve. And since young, I've always wanted to be a teacher. A math teacher to be exact. I've always liked the idea of helping others to overcome a problem, and there were many problems in mathematics for all of us to solve. To be honest with myself, math has always been my strength in academics and I really, really wanted to be a math teacher from the start.

And so I have been working hard to reach this goal of mine. I would be lying if I said that I've put in 100 percent worth of effort in trying to fulfill my aspirations, but I think that the amount of work that I've put in is commendable. I've been doing consistently well in mathematics and I can feel myself inching closer to the finish line as time passed by. However, during my Junior College days, I have been exposed to the world of Economics and have developed a liking towards it too. And when I looked at the university entry criteria, I realized that it was much easier to be eligible for a Bachelor of Science (Education) degree as compared to more popular courses such as Accountancy. As I was struggling quite badly for my other subjects, I opted to aim for Accountancy instead. Because I knew that even if I couldn't make the cut for Accountancy, I could still fulfill my aspirations to become a full time teacher and inspire others. But alas, I had been blessed once again with the opportunity to pursue a degree in Accountancy in at least 2 of the local universities.

And this was when the big dilemma started to strike.

Here's a little insight about me. I'm pragmatic, impulsive and extremely emotional even though I like to serve others. I like planning stuff, and tend to think way ahead and prepare the necessary for the worst to come. I tend to look more towards logic and my brain instead of my heart because being too emotional has usually clouded my judgement in the past. And one bad part of being pragmatic is that I'm extremely calculative. I won't say that I'm living a lavish or poor lifestyle, but I always had high expectations with myself whenever it comes to food and happiness. I've always believed that there are two things in life that will stay with you wherever you go: food and knowledge. That is why I usually would be willing to spend more on food whenever I feel the urge to, and binge eating used to be one of my bad habits to tackle my stress and anxiety attacks in the past. Knowledge. Yeah, we need that to survive in the world today. But going back to the point, I don't exactly expect myself to own a car or a super big terrace house. I'm fine with living in a 5 room HDB flat and settling with hawker food (because our hawker food is seriously really good), but all this require some form of expenses too. I don't want to live the type of life that requires me to be overly concerned on how much I spend if not I'll hardly make ends meet for myself. That'll make me unhappy. I just want to settle for a happy and comfortable life.

I'm impulsive. I've made countless irrational decisions in the past because I couldn't bring myself to think through just a few seconds more whenever the stress and anxiety kicks in. Maybe it's because of this attribute that molded me into a person that plans for the future to lessen the damage fron this characteristic. But even today, I wish that I can go back in time and change many things. Because i didnt think clearly and did not react in the most appropriate manner. And this is the part of being too emotional starts to kick in. I have a huge range of emotions, and tend to show all of them from one end to another end of the spectrum frequently. And being too impulsive makes me do things based on my emotions. I know that I've been telling others not to trust their heart but their brain, but I have been having first-hand how difficult it is to heed this piece of advice.

Anyway, back to the dilemma. It was and still is a career dilemma. To become an accountant and pursue my interest in Economics and checking things or fulfill my long time aspiration to become a teacher. The main problem to this is that I've heard way too many stories that Accountants cannot be teachers. This means that I cannot change into my other desired career if I chose the other. Both careers allow me to help others and serve the community because I get to help companies and check for inefficiencies in one or inspire the next generation in the other. The universities didn't offer economics as part of the bachelor of science/arts (education) degree as well. But after days of careful deliberation, i've decided to go for Accountancy first because I did not have any passion for the sciences or arts, and I only wanted to further my interests in the statistical part of mathematics. To be honest, I was feeling really emotional from this decision because it feels really upsetting to let go of your childhood dream even when you still have the capability and means to fulfill it.

I applied for Accountancy and I got in. I got what I wanted, but it didn't feel satisfying enough. I wanted to use my results to get something more. Something like a scholarship. I do not want my parents to spend so much money on my education even when they can afford the school fees because 40 k is really a huge sum of money. I feel that the money would be better spent on their future retirement because it's their hard earned money and savings. I scored decently for my A level exams, and I wanted to get a scholarship. I've applied for many, but I haven't been receiving any good news yet. I know that this may seem a little selfish of me, but I get really jealous when people inform me that they've been shortlisted or even offered a scholarship. Don't get me wrong, I feel really happy for them. But I would feel happier if I were in their shoes too. Because right now, it seems like almost everyone around me (or at least those in my direct circle of friends) are getting opportunities for a scholarship, while I'm just sitting around praying hard that I'll be shortlisted for one. Sometimes, I feel really minute compared to others because it seem like I'm just not good enough for one. Perhaps this is true right from the start, but it really sucks to have this thought in your head with some sort of evidence to support this motion. I've received news that I should be receiving some sort of notification this week if I were to be shortlisted for one of the scholarships that I've applied for, but the chances of it happening is a little bit small right now.

And recently, I've received news that I was shortlisted for a Teaching Scholarship. This isn't like the 'shortlisted' kind that my friends have experienced because I did not even apply for it. And to think that i was shortlisted, it really feels like it's been my calling all along to teach, but I've already turned my back away from it once. Getting this email made me seriously reconsider on which career path i would like to embark on because I can feel the younger me smacking my face senselessly for turning away from being a teacher. But the biggest problem here is that I've already applied and got accepted into the School of Accountancy. Accountants cannot be teachers, and this would mean that I'll be most likely rejected from the scholarship because it's too late to change my choice now. Sigh. I can feel this opportunity slipping through the palm of my heads even though I have not really decided on whether I want to be an auditor or a teacher.

Sigh. So this has been my life so far. And yeah, I've been thinking too much recently too. I don't know whether this is a good sign or not because sometimes, the things that I've been thinking about come true. And usually during the periods of time when I don't want to. I've been training quite decently for ns i guess? Time really flies. It feels like the A levels were just yesterday, and I'm already enlisting in a few weeks time. The feeling really sucks because things will change even more when I enlist. With only two days if free time every week after my confinement, I have to set my priorities right and that means that i may lose contact with some people around me. It feels really upsetting to let go of the civillian life for the next 22 months, but I guess that is required by the country. I think that I will be fine, since there are many before me who have survived and completed their service. But I'm still anxious or even scared of what's ahead of me.  I just hope that I'll make it out alive.

You don't see me standing there,
I just came to say goodbye.