Pretty.

Till you put me down.

I feel pretty. Not the beautiful kind on the outside nor the inside, but really dead inside. I feel pretty messed up. It has only been a week since I last blogged and I've already made lots of decisions. Decisions that I know will make me regret sooner or later at one point of my life, when the harsh reality knocks me hard in the head again. I've been working really hard for my promos. Like really hard. The amount of effort put in is so much more compared to Os. I've been clocking in at least 5 hours a day on my revision for the past few weeks. But will it be enough for me to promote, let alone achieve my desired goals? It's no use saying that you feel confident for certain subjects, when you know that your GP sucks real bad. What's worse is that you can't do anything now to improve it. I know the topics that are coming out, but what use will that be? I don't even know my mistakes for that subject, let alone correct them.

I'm pretty much done. I am already losing faith before the battle starts. I feel like giving up, resigning myself to retain this year. There's nothing much that I can do now. Absolutely nothing. I know that things weren't the way they were supposed to be, particularly how sucky my gp teacher is, but I wished that there was something for me to do to change this fact. Something to make me believe that there'll be a rainbow after this storm. Something for me to look forward to. At least, something.

Chemistry and Maths. I feel pretty confident for both of them to get at least a B. But I want so much more.. I want the As, but they seem too far away from me to achieve. Physics has been disastrous. I am really hoping that I'll be able to derive the necessary equations and answer the questions appropriately because passing it seems too unrealistic for me already.

I just hope that the amount of effort put in won't make me regret in the future if I retain.

It's never enough.

Skyscraper.

Go on and try to tear me down,
'cause I will be rising from the ground.



Falling down is tough. Falling apart is worse. It's like everything around you has shattered into pieces, and there's no chance of recovering it. It's difficult to see yourself at your worst, especially when you have high-esteem and view yourself as the best. It's bad enough to be ordinary when you're extraordinary, let alone being un-ordinary. It sucks to know that in that moment, you're a defect, a disappointment or a reason to be angry about. It may not last, but the negativity generated from it will always remain.

It may seem like a bad thing, to crumble into pieces and thinking that the world's gonna be over for you. But it will also let you know your true friends. Friends who'll still there to catch you when you fall. Friends who'll still be there even when all odds are against you. Friends who'll be there to pick up the pieces and help you to bounce back up.

I really appreciate my family and friends, especially those who've been with me through all the shit in life.

Home is where the heart will always be.

Couldn't Find the Words to Say.

Some things are better left unsaid.

I'm not sorry that it's over, but for the way we let it end.

It's Sunday already. Sigh. It's the end of my 'free' week to mug. I hope that I'll be ready for it, because I'M STILL NOT. Halfway done with Chemistry, Physics and Maths. Barely started with Econs and not even started with GP. I wish that I'll be able to play the trump cards in my hands properly this time round, because things didn't really go too well for my mid-years. I'm expecting As for Chemistry and Maths and I hope that I won't be too complacent like last time and mess things up. Getting Bs for them is like being second, the first loser. I gotta focus on Physics and Econs, and most importantly, GP. I don't wanna be retained. Watching your friends move up and looking at yourself staying at the same level is definitely not a good thing. Getting looked down by teachers and even your juniors, who will be your level-mates is even more horrifying. I gotta step it up now. It's make or break, and I gotta do this.

I can heave a sigh of relief though. It feels good knowing that you have faithfully done all of your tutorials, even though you've been dozing off during lectures. Tutorials are more important. At least they made me understand the concepts taught during the school year. It'll not be that hard recalling all of them back, but it's hard to overcome my laziness. There are things that I wish I can undo, and turn it all around again. To squeeze more time for some other undone things. But it's too late now. The choices made to play and laze around are the ones that I've made for myself. I'm just hoping that I can continue to stick to my study plan and focus more on my weaker subjects.

I'm planning to skip school, just to spare myself more time to mug. I might do that in Week 2, when all the (useless?) revision lectures come in. I really need more time, but the study break that the school's giving us is way too little. Well, at least I'll only need one more week to cover all my content before starting on exam papers, but still... If only I had more time. If only I had a dose of reality earlier. If only.

School's opening tomorrow. And all the distractions are going to come back at me. I don't know whether I'll be distracted during lectures, especially during Chemistry. I don't know whether I'll just continue sleeping during GP Tutorials because of the thought that they will continue to be entirely useless to me.

It's quite scary, knowing that in 2 weeks time, I'll unofficially become a J2, a senior in the school. It's scarier to start the countdown to 'A's once that happens. It's going to be way worse than promos, but I can't even keep up to the pace of promos. Oral Presentation for PW. What if I mess it up? I'm not very good at public speaking/ making speeches. I just hope that I'll have something to channel all of my focus on, just like how I do it every single time in choir. I really want that A. It'll be a confidence booster, for all of the hard work that I've put in.

The year's really ending quickly. I can still vividly remember coming back to Singapore from HK at the start of this year, going to Taiwan after getting my results and entering NYJC for the very first time as a student. I remember my Chanan 7 kids, the awkward moments with 1320 during orientation and choosing another CCA path by entering ODAC. How I became President and have been blessed with the opportunity to participate in the annual LTC and meet amazing people there.

Of course, there were mistakes made and lessons learnt. There were times that I should've raised my opinion and spoken up, so that things wouldn't turn out to be the way they are now. I feel really stupid recalling all the excuses I've made up for not doing so then. It's only been a while, and they've become so insignificant already. There were times when I felt bad over things and did not have the courage to change them.

I shouldn't be so judgemental at times. Maybe I'm the root cause of a particular social divide. I should've just kept my comments to myself. I feel really bad for starting it and causing some damage to everything in one way or another. They say it's not my fault to begin with, but I shouldn't have added fuel to the fire, to make things worse. First impressions. They're just first impressions. I'm really glad that most of them changed, especially for those who are in 1320. I used to think that we will never be bonded and stuff, because everyone seemed so selfish and self-centered then, but I'm glad that I'm proven wrong.

I'm a true believer in karma. What goes around definitely comes back around, in one way or another. But no matter how it comes, you'll find yourself stuck in the very spot of how you treated others then. It'll be a painful lesson to learn.

There are also apologies that I should make, but I haven't mustered enough courage and swallowed enough pride to say them. Maybe some day I will, but I hope that day is coming up fast. I don't want to have regrets when my birthday comes.. I wanna be 17 with a clear conscience, and not stuck with 16 for all the wrong reasons.

There's only 14 days left to the first paper. I gotta make full use of the time left.

When your mind starts blowing.

Halcyon.

It's going to be better.

I remember my life- young, carefree and wild. I miss the times when I could literally do whatever I desired and have anything that I wanted.

The days when Abel, Benedict and I would go to each other's house everyday just to play our pokemon toys and create storylines for every single creature. The days when we still had time to let our imagination run wild, and think of even the weirdest storylines ever. I really miss them- both the memories and the people I've met.

I hate how the society changes us as we grow up. I hate growing up, as it meant that we'll be tasked with more responsibilities. I hate being in charge of something, because I'll always have this fear of not getting things done perfectly and start to worry about all the insignificant things that don't really matter. I hate being taught on how to infer and to read between the lines, as it makes people think more, and overthink on even the slightest things. I hate wearing this mask everyday whenever I am seeing my friends. It's tiring, trying to fake a smile and pretend that everything's gonna be okay. It's driving me insane, closing one eye on things that may bite me back at my butt one day. One day. We always say that, as it brings a form of uncertainty and ambiguity in our answers. What if the day never comes and we're just overthinking it? What if.

When will I feel peace in my heart again?

You show me how it feels like to be lonely.

Flashlight.

Do you remember when you were so cruel?
When you played the thief and I played the fool.



Ellie Goulding never fails to cheer me up, especially whenever I'm doing Physics. It's worse than Maths, by at least a million times. Teared up damn badly while spending 7 hours on it. It really sucks to know that you're only 20 days away from your promos and you still can't the concepts right. Sigh, gotta leave it alone from tomorrow onwards because I need to start with Chemistry!

Study session with Clare was quite productive though, even though my mind kinda got corrupted by her during the entire 6 hours ><. She's really insane. She asked me to guess someone's birthday. I replied 6/9 November and the first thing that came into her mind was 69 ._. Anyway, I feel really blessed to be still able to catch up with her despite her busy schedule at NJC (:. Turns out I've been kinda outdated on what's going on with my friends. It's sad to know how some relationships get torn apart because of mere jealousy or even a casual remark. It's even worse to know that your close friends are still stuck in the past when the other party has already moved on. Heard many things about Guangyan and Jilene (separately). I mean, I don't really know them well, but I wonder how Clare knows so much when they're like in different schools..

AND I REALLY FEEL PROUD FOR REBEKAH! It's heartening to know that it's still going strong (:

Tracing faces in the sand,
now your dagger's in my hands.

Falling from Grace.

I need to know if I can still make explosions.

The September holidays are finally here (:. I hope that I'll do something productive during this entire week by following the study plan that I've laid out. It's really sad to hear stories of people giving up on their promos when there's still time to save themselves. I wish I could do something to motivate them for the next 21 days, but I need to care more for myself first. Chong Hon's right, people will start striking you if you don't strike them first. I know this may sound unrealistic, but I'm clinging on to this tiny hope of having world peace.

I hope that I don't have to resort to not caring anymore, because I simply can't. Maybe I'll get tired of giving fucks about the things around me. Maybe I'll give up on them someday. But now, I won't. I know I won't.

Anyway, I'm going to study with Clare today. Really miss the PP friends! I remember the days when we would go home everyday together with Louis. If only time can rewind and replay all the memories again. Actually, it should, since we all had the same raw score of 9! But Clare PS-ed us for NJC ):

Sorry for the abrupt ending. Gotta do some Maths now ><.

From the day you wake up needing somebody.

When 69 meets 40.

Before you hit the highway, you better stop for gas.
There's a fifty in the ashtray, in case you run short of cash.
There's a map and here's a bible, if you ever lose your way.
Just one more thing before you leave,
don't forget to remember me.

Bad Decisions.

It will never be something better.

I should've thought carefully before going down that route. It was a bad decision, and yet I still did nothing to make amends. I feel stupid, for going down the same route even though I already knew that it was wrong. Regrets. Did I think of them when I proceeded on? I hope that the reason behind this decision is still as convincing as before. It's really too late to turn back now, since the route has faded. There's nothing to guide me back now.
Lies. I've made so many of them to cover up the rationale behind this bad decision. Friendships. I've torn so many of them that it's almost impossible to start anew. Sometimes I really wonder whether coming to NYJC is really the best choice for me to start afresh, to start a new chapter of my life all over again. The environment, teachers and friends I've met over the last 8 months were great. I couldn't have asked for a better replacement. But these memories of the past make me dread going to school. Sometimes I really wonder whether I should have just heeded my Mum's advice and go straight for ACJC. It's far, but it may be better for me even though there are rumors about the social divide there.
Sigh. I should really stop thinking too much. It'll only create problems that never existed in the first place, just like what happened in the past. I should pay closer attention to my surroundings, because my mind's been drifting off someplace else whenever I'm with my friends and even when they're talking to me. I need my mind to be back at Earth whenever I am doing something and not hovering around in some other realm.
Or maybe I should just shut the world out and be left alone. Maybe it'll be better for everyone. I don't wanna inflict hurt anymore. And it's just a matter of time before I do again.

There's no map for me to find my way back anymore.

Second.

The whole point of games is that there is a winner, a first place. You want a second-best surgeon operating on you? No, you want the very best. And second best is mediocre and to settle for mediocrity is.. is frankly a sign of self-loathing and sub-standard work ethnics.
-Christina Yang

Let's face it. Being second place is just like being the first loser. It's either you're first, or you're nothing.

Treasure.

You're the only one I need.

Time. It comes and goes, just like the wind. I think that even though it is usually an ass, it's still a treasure to me. All of us need time to do things, to interact with one another or even to sleep. It's too bad that there're people like me who are professionals at wasting it away.

It's 11:32 at night now and I still have many work undone. Econs Essay Outline, questions for Chemistry Consultation, Thermal Physics and the clinic worksheets. Wanted to complete revising AP GP today, but I guess it'll be impossible for me to do so now.. Looking at the bright side though, I think that I am becoming better with Physics, thanks to the extra 'clinic' sessions that Miss Lim conducts just for us (:.

I really admire teachers like her. Teachers who would willingly squeeze out time for their students to clarify their queries and misconceptions without expecting anything in return. Yeah, we may take them for granted and choose to believe that it is part of their job scope for them to do so. But many, or in fact, all of them have personal lives to tend to as well.

Teachers are our role models. But that doesn't mean that they're perfect. To human is err, and they're humans too. They may have pissed us off with the countless nagging sessions or the tremendous pile of homework that they dish out every single time, but they only do it because they care. They have feelings too. Which teacher in the right mind would receive waves of ecstasy scolding/torturing their students? None.

So as we burn the midnight oil and hope that the sun doesn't come up quickly, let us take some time off to show our appreciation for them. It doesn't have to be done by expensive gifts or by cards. A simple acknowledgement/recognition will do. Think about it. When was the last time you thanked your teacher when he/she helped you in one way or another?
Be honest about it. If you can't recall it, start now and begin again.It's not too late yet.

Putting the sentimental note aside, I think that I am starting to see the light for pw (:. Despite all the dramas we've been through, I'm really glad to be pw mates with them. (:

Anyway, I gotta go now. Going to conquer that mountain of homework tonight.

Adios.

Because these things can change.

Clarity.

Right before your eyes.
I just had to ask. Now the truth's out and I can't do anything about it. Maybe ignorance is bliss. If I didn't have the urge to ask, perhaps I'll still think that I stood a chance. But now, it's all too late. It sucks to know the things coming from you. It sucks to know that you've lost the war even before it started. The hill's too steep for me to fight in. I guess there's nothing left to say, since everything's been said and done already. It's not right for these feelings to last. I guess the only thing that I've done right is that I didn't confess my feelings for you. At least I'll be spared from the awkwardness whenever I try to talk to you.

My friends. They were right. We could still be friends. It's better to kill these feelings now before they become in too deep.

Picked all my weeds and kept the flowers.