Yellow.

When everything turns gray and lights go down.

I've been reading quite a bit lately. Can't really consider it as a lot of reading compared to most of my peers, but at least it's more than the amount that I usually read. A lot of things have been going on recently in my life, and both the events and the readings have made me realize many things or perhaps, misconceptions that I used to have in the past.

I used to think that the main task of a student, when I was one, was just to score well in my academics. Perhaps it's because of how much our society emphasizes on the importance of studies today or probably due to the fact that you'll gain that indescribable sense of pride whenever you get the highest score for whichever subject in class. And of course, in order to stand out, you had to be better than your competitors. I used to treat quizzes and exams like some sort of competition, where the winner is determined by the person who scored the highest marks. This perception during my early years didn't really grant me a lot of friends, as I would often look at my peers with animosity in my eyes. But hey, at least I made it out alive.

What I'm really trying to say is that I regret not viewing life in another perspective earlier. But who knows? I was still young and clearly oblivious to what's happening in the outside world. I regret letting many opportunities slip past just because I wanted my academics to be just fine. Looking back now, it would be good if I managed to learn a couple of things more. If only I learnt more skills/knowledge that cannot be taught inside a classroom. To be honest, I wish that I played more. I'm not talking about the computer games because I'm still playing them now, but like real sports. Could it be a sense of envy when I see many of my peers manage to dribble a ball well or at least be good in a certain sport and here I am, looking at them from the grandstand because I'm clearly too shy to demonstrate my less-than-stellar performance in sports. I've tried being more active by changing my lifestyle and trying to have an open-mind towards recreational activities but I guess that I'm kinda late.

In the past, I used to sneer at sporty people and wonder about what's the significance of 22 people on the field trying their best to snatch the ball away from each other's team when it's clearly just a ball. Perhaps that's the main reason why I decided to keep out from sports in the first place. But as I grow up, I'm starting to see a clearer picture of it right now. Sure, I used to think about how people associate sports with moral values and then gladly dismiss their remarks by associating them with bullshit. But as I grow up now, I'm starting to feel a little disconnected from the rest right now as sports really bonds people together. And being bad and shy about playing badly surely won't do much good.

Sports wasn't my only regret. There were just too many opportunities that I chose to miss out on. Chances to learn and develop new skills or even just to interact with more people. I've sacrificed many of these opportunities just for the sake of academics and computer games. Right now as I'm older and hopefully wiser, I'm starting to know much more people from the different places that I go to. And it makes me really envious whenever I meet someone who has managed to take up many of life's greatest opportunities and still manage to succeed in his/her academics.

"I cannot imagine how I will cope when I discover that my life is behind me, has already happened, and I have nothing to show for it. No treasure house of collection, no wealth of experience, no accumulated wisdom to pass on. What are we, if not an accumulation of our memories?"

Many count on memories to determine how far they have gone in life. But for me so far, I wish that I can say straight to myself that I have gone as far as I should, hoped or at least let it remain as a question unanswered. But I don't think so. To be honest, I'm starting to question what the fuck have I been doing with my life. I've faced this question before a few years back in some motivational workshop. I had answers then, like being a good son to my parents and a good friend to the people around me. I'm not saying that I've deviated from that path because I still care deeply for the people around me, but I'm starting to decipher this question in another manner now. What have I achieved so far that's worth a mention right now? To be brutally honest, I have achieved  nothing that can be at least comparable to the people around me. I haven't been participating much in competitions in the past few years, much less winning them. It's like there has been a sudden void of events during the past few years of my life and it's really sad to realize that I've been seemingly wasting my life away and shutting myself out from the outside world for quite a long while.

I really hope for a change right now. But hoping for it is one thing and doing something about it is another. I've slightly more than 1.5 years to ponder it through and make my life more meaningful even though I may be restricted by my National Service commitments. Perhaps I should pick up a new skill or at least interact more with others and hopefully, make more genuine friends along the way before heading to university. But hey, maybe everything will turn out fine for me and all that I got to do right now is to stop wishing and actually do something about it.

When everything isn't yellow,
will we still smile through broken glass and live in falsetto?