I don't know this could break my heart,
or save me.
It's been a while since I really went back and see all of them together in one setting. It just feels so fictional that so many things can happen within just a few years. It's been a while since I've last seen many of them, and sometimes I really feel like I've failed as an older cousin because I am not really close to this side of the family. Being born and raised here, I feel extremely blessed to have benefitted from so many things that our dear country has given us. And even though this means that I have to sacrifice 2 years of my life to serve the country, I've always felt that this is one of the ways for me to give back to my society. To play a part in defending our country and of course, our friends and family even if it means that there will be difficult times ahead of me. Maybe it's the decision that we have made a long time ago and the distance separating us that have caused us to interact less. But I feel like I've really disappointed most of them because I was oblivious to the many events that were occuring within my extended family. Probably it was due to the fact that I didn't give two fucks about what was going on especially when my Cantonese wasn't so good as compared to the rest of my family so I feel really awkward whenever I'm with them. But sitting together on the same table made me realise that I've already become a stranger to most of them. And the worst part is, I don't even remember most of my cousins' names, let alone how they even look like. Some of them went through major surgeries and some of their immediate families met with a major family/financial crisis a few years back. But I didn't even give a single fuck when the disaster struck. Going back this time had made me question myself what have I done as a part of this family to deserve a spot in the family dinner when I have done absolutely nothing to show my care and concern for them when they are met with a crisis. Who am I to deserve that seat when I'm just a stranger to most of them.
It's really sad to know that some of them have been really unfortunate to be in certain situations that they are in right now. I've always been the stupid kid to them, since I don't really know how to interact with others well and I've always been doing badly in my academics in the past. They've always been the smart ones and my memory of them has always been that they're extremely blessed and happy. Sigh. Even the sands of time can wither the bravest and the strongest of hearts. I feel really empathetic when I heard that some of them no longer have the chance to enter a local university and get a local degree when I have the chance to do so now. It has only been a few years, and yet so much has changed.
I don't think that I am, or ever will be, a good role model for my younger cousins to look up to. We didn't even interact at all during that night, and I'm guessing that I'm becoming more and more invisible to their lives. Perhaps it's better this way, so that I won't really disrupt their lives that much since I make stupid decisions and act impulsively almost all the time. But still, it's pretty upsetting to realise that I'm much closer to my circle of friends when blood is supposed to be thicker than water. Regardless, I'm forever thankful to have people right by side everytime, even when I've hit ground bottom.
Picked all my weeds and kept the flowers.
