I'm sorry for not being good enough sometimes. I'm at a loss right now, feeling absolutely stunned and confused over everything that's going on. There are times when I feel like I'm on cloud nine, even if it's for all the wrong reasons. I don't even know whether the high that I'm on right now will ever be worth the pain in the future. I'm afraid of discovering the truth because I know that I may just end up as an utter disappointment to the people around me. Sometimes, I feel like I'm living the life of a fugitive who is constantly running away from the harsh reality of life.  The questions keep popping up these days and it's getting harder to plaster a smile on my face and tell everyone that everything is okay. This mask that I'm wearing right now, it's suffocating me. Sometimes, I wonder what's the point of living when you can't be absolutely true to yourself. I'm really tired of running, but I can't bear to discover the truth as it may just break me completely.

The people around me have been really nice, but I just don't have the guts to let them enter into my life. Maybe it's because of the number of farewells/goodbyes that Ive been giving the past few years that made me lose faith in having a friend that lasts forever. Or maybe, just maybe the fact that if I let the light in, I may become a person with a different character because I'll be expecting way more from them. Maybe you are right. It's better to treat everyone now as mere colleagues because it'll just ease the pain and sorrow when you reach the point where all of us are at crossroads. We may go through shit together and become more bonded, but it might be better to keep our distance so that we won't be affected too much by the things that we'll be going through.

Honestly, hope is a dangerous game to me. It makes you cling onto something so impossible to achieve especially when you know that the odds are against you. It convinces your mind to follow your heart that'll will lead you down a path based on pure speculation and stupidity. And what hurts the most is that it'll usually bring disappointment when you've reached the end of the road. I'm sick and tired of trying to convince myself everytime that shit will get better one day, just to wait for that day when I'll realize that that day will never come. I don't wanna experience that feeling of opening up to someone else and losing that person again. Moving on has always been easy. It's the part about staying moved on that always makes it extremely difficult. It really sucks to realise that you were once close to someone who is currently like a stranger to you right now.

Maybe keeping the distance is the only way out now. Maybe it's really time to keep myself on the safe side so that I won't get hurt again.