Well I heard what he said and went on my way.
Didn't think about it for a couple of days.
Then it hit me like lightning late one night,
I was all out of hoping, all out of fight.
Couldn't fight back my tears so I fell on my knees.

"But when we are really sorry, when we use it right, when we mean it, when our actions say what words never can… when we get it right, “I’m sorry” is perfect. When we get it right, “I’m sorry” is redemption."

When the truth was like swallowing sand.
I found myself empty, gasping for air.
Trying frantically to keep my head above the water, but failing miserably.
Is it still worth holding on to, or is it just a deadweight that'll make me sink at the end of the day.
I'm losing faith and feeling out of gas.
Perhaps it was really not about me, and just them alone.
Maybe it's just me excluded from the picture.

There is no fault line to rely or blame on.
We were living on an imaginary one.
There wasn't a right or wrong to begin with,
Just a set of morals and values to follow.
They say the truth will set you free,
but the bucket of sand says otherwise.
Nothing feels as hurtful as accepting the realities of life.
One foot out, and a million guns start to point at me.
There is really no way out now.

Let Go For Tonight.

I wanna drive into the open,
looking for reasons I can't find.

I've been spending most of my long weekends reading and seriously tearing up a lot. I'm sorry if I'm not as masculine as what most of you would have thought, but I'm really starting to despise society a lot. Or maybe the world. Perhaps it has come for this stage of maturity to come and finally realize the evils of the world. Just by reading short stories and confession pages by people who have been left out by the majority of us really questions our humanity. Where is the love? It's kinda ironic that we're speaking up for peace and equity, and yet we're having wars in two parts of the world right now. Sometimes it's really hard to live in this world, with all the discrimination going on around us. Some people have to hide behind their masks to live their lives the "right" way. They have to give away their true personality and character just to be accepted by society these days. We speak of openness, and yet we shun those who are different. That's what that makes it difficult for people to really open up their minds and truly be free. Turns out we're all slaves to society at the end of the day.

Putting all these thoughts aside, I've been feeling slightly uncomfortable over what's happening to me right now. I can't really say why, but I just can't seem to draw the line between perhaps two of the most important aspects of my life. The absence of distinction is killing me. But no matter what, I can't bear to make the same mistake again. I just can't. I've paid the price of doing something really foolish and stupid once, and I made a vow not to do it again. But I guess all the temptations and emotions are coming back eh? I don't know why my mind is lingering around endlessly every single time when I need to be focused on something else. This is getting distracting, and I got to stop it before things get worse.

It's memories like these that make me smile and cry at the same time. Memories that convey two different emotions at the same time. They always start out fine before having bad endings at the same time. I miss the days of those "fine" and "happy" moments, but they're like cocaine. I know that these feelings will harm me one day, but they just make me high, wanting to relive the moments again. There's no point telling myself that studies always come first, when the sight of you reminds me of that feeling all the time, and I can't shrug it off. It feels right for me to move on, even if my heart tells me otherwise. All the little eye contacts and stares are just driving me insane.

So I call your name the only thing I know,
is that I need you here,
will you be gone forever?

Ghost.

I keep going to the river to pray.
'Cause I need something that can wash out the pain.

This has got to be one of the best songs of the year. I still remember watching her competing for the X Factor the year before but time really flies eh? What makes me drawn into this song is its chorus and its arrangement. Ella really manages to strive the perfect balance between her gloomy lyrics and the uplifting musical arrangement.

Anyway, I think that all of us have our own ghosts, ranging from all the small trivial things to the big ones which we may be oblivious to. Well, I have them too, and blogged much about them in the past. I talked about moving on, and then struggling, and then moving on again. Is it me, or is that the funny part of life? Because it really seems like we are born only to meet obstacles, and then learn how to overcome them or risk losing our lives to compensate our failures. I've certainly faced many obstacles in my life, even if it may seem insignificant to many of you, but hey, I've managed to overcome most of them. Looking back now and reading my old posts, it's starting to dawn to me about how young, foolish and stupid I was. There were really times when the solution was literally straight up on my face,  but perhaps my awareness to my surroundings really sucked then.

Moving on, I'm really afraid of reverting back to one of my ghosts from the past. It's like I've been trying so hard to cope up with all of the stress and work that everyone has been piling up on me. I've made my study plan for the next 40 days and it is starting to become nerve-wrecking because there is just so much I can do within a hundred days left. Furthermore, I think that I'm like really starting to lose my control over my emotions. Yeah, you could say that I had anger-management issues in the past. But I just don't wanna be that guy anymore. I really want to get a stronger grip of what I'm feeling, because I know things will go even worse when everything explodes. Sigh. There have been so many issues that have been in my mind these days. There are the numbered days to study, and of course the personal issues. Well, if you read the past few posts that I posted recently, perhaps you'll get a clearer picture. I'm really starting to accept how things are going on in the present now. Like I have really lost my motivation to fight for a better result (other than my academics), because I've honestly lost so much faith on others. Like seriously. I guess one of the greatest takeaways in my life so far is that I'll never fit in perfectly with any cliques and groups. Like no matter how much I try to fit in, the more excluded I feel. I guess all those second guessing and watching what my mouth is speaking is really getting too much attention from myself. So yeah, I'm currently adopting a stand where if I feel really excluded with the people I hang out with, I'll just don't go. Like if there is a clique and some other guy and me, I'll just decline the invitation and do something less interesting but less depressing too.

Well, I've been adopting that approach for a while, except for a few several occasions, and I guess it is working for me. There is honestly lesser things to care, and less people taking you for granted. I'm really sorry for being extremely self-centred now but I guess this may be the secret on how to live your life well. Just don't give any fuck on anything that doesn't reply you with two fucks. So yeah, I've been really reflecting especially since the many events that have occurred since school resumed a week ago. I've learnt to be independent, and that it's better to be selfish sometimes, or most of the time. I guess making myself happy is truly the most important thing to do. I think that I should move on from clearing any persistent negativity from my life, and really think more about myself and the people that truly cares for me.

I guess at the end of the day, you were right all along. The friends that you get to keep are the ones that you've made in your secondary school days. You reminded me of the ingenuity and how exclusive people can be in JCs, even at yours. And that those friends were not to keep. I may have disagreed with you then, but I'm really starting to see the light of what you said now. Most of them merely treat you as accessories. Reminders of what to do or something to vent your frustration on for no reason. The list just goes on and on and on. Of course, there'll always be exceptions, like my dark horse Novus and my cute little dolphins as a whole, but I really hope for improvements. This feels like wishful thinking,  waiting for something to change when you're just sitting there and watching it to change. But I just can't really commit myself to take the step upfront and change it. I just can't, after all that has happened.

Anyway, I guess ultimately, I'll just have to do something that makes myself happy, and one way to do it is to remove and avoid all sorts of negativity. And then wash, rinse and repeat. It's already the last lap, and I've got to disconnect some attached feelings over some people because I've simply given to much with my patience. I have to look for my flaws and improve them, and also avoid pushing myself past the breaking point unnecessarily.

That should be it then. Relieving my thoughts and opinions that have been bottled in my heart and mind for far too long. It feels like taking that huge load of burden off your chest and wanting to live your life well again, but with a game plan this time.

And at most, I'm sleeping all these demons away.
But your ghost,
the ghost of you,
it keeps me awake.

Sometimes you have to weather a little bit of rain before you can see the rainbow. It has got to be an effective wake up call for me. They weren't that bad, but still a real disappointment. I know that I'm capable of getting better results. Maybe I'm not putting in enough effort. Or maybe, I'm just not smart enough. But either way, i still have to reach that end goal that have been set in my mind since I chose to come into this school. I guess I really have to make some dramatic changes to my lifestyle for the coming months. No more excuses. I'm capable of it, and I will get what I want.

It's really great that I can make all these mistakes today, so that I will have a higher probability of not repeating them again. If it weren't for this round of examinations, I'll still be complacent with my academics, clearly oblivious to the high standards that Cambridge has already set for us. It's really time to wake up, and do the talk that I've been telling myself all year. I've already completed most of my study plan, and now there's just the need to follow. I know that this journey will be rough, and full of sudden obstacles and unforeseen circumstances, but no matter what, I'm still me, and I'm the one that controls my destiny at the end of the day. I just have to keep enough faith and display sufficient resilience, and all these will just go by in a flash.

It's really game on then. There's no safety net for me to rely on now. It's now or never.

Success?

All of us have different opinions of ourselves when time passes by.

Remember the aspirations that you had when you were young? Do they still exist, or have you let them go because of all the obstacles and realities that you've faced so far? Sometimes, as we grow up, we choose to have the easy way out and lead a 'stable' life, instead of a fulfilling one. I was thinking about some of my career aspirations lately and I've been searching through speeches and guides online to make my desired route clearer to myself. And then I chanced upon this.

This has got to be one of the most engaging and meaningful speeches that I've ever seen in my entire life. It's sad, but simple. It really reminds me of why I should always be true to myself. Because no matter how successful I may be in the future, one question will still remain. Do you deserve every bit of success that you're having right now? 

Ellen DeGeneres Graduation Speech Transcript:

Thank you, President Cowan, Mrs. President Cowen; distinguished guests, undistinguished guests, you know who you are, honored faculty and creepy Spanish teacher. And thank you to all the graduating class of 2009, I realize most of you are hungover and have splitting headaches and haven’t slept since Fat Tuesday, but you can’t graduate ’til I finish, so listen up.

When I was asked to make the commencement speech, I immediately said yes. Then I went to look up what commencement meant which would have been easy if I had a dictionary, but most of the books in our house are Portia’s, and they’re all written in Australian. So I had to break the word down myself, to find out the meaning.

Commencement: common, and cement, common cement. You commonly see cement on sidewalks. Sidewalks have cracks, and if you step on a crack, you break your mother’s back. So there’s that. But I’m honored that you’ve asked me here to speak at your common cement.

I thought that you had to be a famous alumnus, alumini, aluminum, alumis; you had to graduate from this school. And I didn’t go to college here, and I don’t know if President Cowan knows, I didn’t go to any college at all, any college. And I’m not saying you wasted your time, or money, but look at me, I’m a huge celebrity.

Although I did graduate from the school of hard knocks, our mascot was the knockers. I spent a lot of time here growing up. My mom worked at Newcomb and I would go there every time I needed to steal something out of her purse. But why am I here today? Clearly not to steal, you’re too far away and I’d never get away with it.I’m here because of you. Because I can’t think of a more tenacious, more courageous graduating class. I mean, look at you all, wearing your robes. Usually when you’re wearing a robe at 10 in the morning, it means you’ve given up. I’m here because I love New Orleans. I was born and raised here, I spent my formative years here, and like you, while I was living here I only did laundry six times. When I finished school, I was completely lost and by school, I mean middle school, but I went ahead and finished high school anyway. And I really, I had no ambition; I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I did everything from: I shucked oysters, I was a hostess, I was a bartender, I was a waitress, I painted houses, I sold vacuum cleaners; I had no idea and I thought I’d just finally settle in some job and I would make enough money to pay my rent, maybe have basic cable, maybe not, I didn’t really have a plan, my point is that, by the time I was your age, I really thought I knew who I was but I had no idea. Like for example, when I was your age, I was dating men. So what I’m saying is, when you’re older, most of you will be gay. Anyone writing this stuff down? Parents?

Anyway, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and the way I ended up on this path was from a very tragic event. I was maybe nineteen, and my girlfriend at the

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time was killed in a car accident. And I passed the accident, and I didn’t know it was her and I kept going and I found out shortly after that, it was her. And I was living in a basement apartment; I had no money; I had no heat, no air, I had a mattress on the floor and the apartment was infested with fleas. And I was soul-searching, I was like, why is she suddenly gone, and there are fleas here? I don’t understand, there must be a purpose and wouldn’t it be so convenient if we could pick up the phone and call God and ask these questions.And I started writing and what poured out of me was an imaginary conversation with God, which was one-sided and I finished writing it and I looked at it and I said to myself, and I hadn’t even been doing stand-up, ever, there was no club in town. I said, “I’m going do this on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson” at the time he was the king “and I’m going be the first woman in the history of the show to be called over to sit down.” and several years later, I was the first woman in the history of the show, and only woman in the history of the show to sit down, because of that phone conversation with God that I wrote. And I started this path of stand-up and it was successful and it was great but it was hard because I was trying to please everybody and I had this secret that I was keeping, that I was gay. And I thought if people found out they wouldn’t like me, they wouldn’t laugh at me. Then my career turned into, I got my own sitcom, and that was very successful, another level of success. And I thought, what if they find out I’m gay, then they’ll never watch, and this was a long time ago, this was when we just had white presidents but anyway, this was back many years ago and I finally decided that I was living with so much shame, and so much fear, that I just couldn’t live that way anymore and I decided to come out and make it creative. And my character would come out at the same time, and it wasn’t to make a political statement, it wasn’t to do anything other than to free myself up from this heaviness that I was carrying around, and I just wanted to be honest. And I thought, “What’s the worst that could happen? I can lose my career”. I did. I lost my career. The show was cancelled after six years without even telling me; I read it in the paper. The phone didn’t ring for three years. I had no offers. Nobody wanted to touch me at all. Yet, I was getting letters from kids that almost committed suicide, but didn’t because of what I did. And I realized that I had a purpose. And it wasn’t just about me and it wasn’t about celebrity, but I felt like I was being punished and it was a bad time, I was angry, I was sad, and then I was offered a talk show. And the people that offered me the talk show tried to sell it. And most stations didn’t want to pick it up. Most people didn’t want to buy it because they thought nobody would watch me.Really when I look back on it, I wouldn’t change a thing. I mean, it was so important for me to lose everything because I found out what the most important thing is, is to be true to yourself. Ultimately, that’s what’s gotten me to this place. I don’t live in fear, I’m free; I have no secrets and I know I’ll always be ok, because no matter what, I know who I am. So In conclusion, when I was younger I thought success was something different. I thought when I grow up, I want to be famous. I want to be a star. I want to be in movies. When I grow up I want to see the world, drive nice cars, I want to have groupies. To quote the Pussycat Dolls. How many people thought it was “boobies”, by the way? It’s not, it’s “groupies”.

But my idea of success is different today. And as you grow, you’ll realize the definition of success changes. For many of you, today, success is being able to hold down 20 shots of tequila. For me, the most important thing in your life is to live your life with integrityand not to give into peer pressure to try to be something that you’re not, to live your life as an honest and compassionate person, to contribute in some way. So to conclude my conclusion, follow your passion, stay true to yourself. Never follow anyone else’s path, unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path and

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by all means you should follow that. Don’t give advice, it will come back and bite you in the ass. Don’t take anyone’s advice. So my advice to you is to be true to yourself and everything will be fine.

And I know that a lot of you are concerned about your future, but there’s no need to worry. The economy is booming, the job market is wide open, the planet is just fine. It’s going be great. You’ve already survived a hurricane. What else can happen to you? And as I mentioned before, some of the most devastating things that happen to you will teach you the most. And now you know the right questions to ask in your first job interview. Like, “Is it above sea level?” So to conclude my conclusion that I’ve previously concluded, in the common cement speech, I guess what I’m trying to say is life is like one big Mardi Gras. But instead of showing your boobs, show people your brain, and if they like what they see, you’ll have more beads than you know what to do with and you’ll be drunk, most of the time. So the Katrina class of 2009, I say congratulations and if you don’t remember a thing I said today, remember this, you’re going to be ok, dum de dumdumdum, just dance.

Amnesia.

And the dreams you left,

you didn't need them.

I'm really sorry for not posting these days. It's been an eventful June holiday. From the Korea trip to all the hangouts and catch-up sessions I have with my friends, this June has certainly been one of the best holidays I've ever had. It made me open my eyes and my heart. It allowed me to see the world in a clearer perspective. It led me to find my inner peace again.

It's been really a tough Term 2 despite having all the fun with the people who surround me all the time. Is it really necessary to work this hard just to get a piece of paper that will determine the next chapter of my life? Is it really worth fighting for? I am beginning to feel my soul siphoned out by the hells of academics. I have been reflecting recently, and I have certainly opened my eyes to see. Has the rapid pace of life destroyed my humanity? There have been things I'd wish to do, but I couldn't oblige to it simply because of the commitments I have. Academics, I'm starting to feel a little uncomfortable typing this word, or any other relevant synonym out. Yes, there have been many disappointments during the past few months. Things I wish that I could have done better, but I chose not to.

But of course, there'll always be lessons learnt after every journey I've made. I know that this topic keeps coming out in most of my posts, but friends form an important aspect of my life. No matter what happens, or where we go, friends are the ones who will experience your life journey with you, or at least part of it. I find it saddening to see people come and go, or even abusing your kindness just for their own good. True friends, that doesn't apply to everyone. I've learnt it the hard way. I guess life has taken its toll on many people's humanity. It teaches us to be pragmatic for our survival. Too pragmatic. Fame really sucks the soul out of people. You may be a friend to a person, but when the spotlight shines on him, he just disappears and pretends that you're a nobody so that he can blend in with other people who have seemingly high profiles. I don't know why, but I'm really facing all these insecurities everytime something catches my attention. I don't really think they'll last, but i guess that's really the part and parcel of life. They just move on, and so should you. You know truly well who are you, and where you stand to someone else when you're not invited in the clique. And everytime they host an outing, you'll just be constantly reminded of the fact that you're not part of the group and you're just being a distraction/obstacle for them to interact more. Maybe it's my character and not being able to blend with one another, but gosh, I really hate exclusive cliques. And it's getting pretty obvious now. All these outings, I see no point in attending them when I'll just be in a bad mood, be a wet blanket and ruin everyone else's day. Maybe everything that have been foreseen earlier has been coming through. Even the mountains will shake when there's an earthquake. Nothing ever lasts, and nothing gold can stay.

Nowadays, I've been scrutinising every single life decision that I've made. It's the same old Nanyang or every other junior college that I could have gone to, or whether my life would be affected greatly if I had taken another subject combination. What if i had stayed on the safe path which I have been convincing myself to do in the past? Don't get me wrong, the leaps of faith that I have been taking were truly enriching and enjoyable to me. Looking back now, I wouldn't have made almost all of the decisions I've made if I had chosen to stay at the safe side from the start. But what would happen if I chose to stay on it? I can't really imagine what friends, or even what character I'll have, but there is still a probability that it may be worse or better than the life I'm living right now. I really think that there have been lots of mistakes made, especially this year. I don't know why but I always have this tendency to shut people out of my life when I feel that they are starting to understand me a little more than an average person would. Maybe it's because of the fear of letting history repeat itself again, or just the expectations that I'll cling onto when somebody new earns that title. 

Have you guys ever wanted to wake up with amnesia, and have the chance to start anew? Sometimes, I would have that feeling, especially during the period of recovering from a bad event that occurred. The rash and impulsive decisions that I've made. Or perhaps during the period of forgiving and forgetting. But that's just a huge pile of bullshit. I don't believe in saints who will truly forgive others, because it's simply human instinct to remember the sins that others have committed in the past. Even though some may say that history makes you stronger, I feel that it makes us harden to pain. It makes us adapt to our environment,  and hopefully become more immune to the futuristic tragedies that may happen by taking measures to prevent it. I wish that I can start anew, and experience the other side of my life once i have made that choice. And even if it means that everything in my mind will be cleared and I'll have a vacuum in my head for a period of time, I know that I'll be living life to the fullest. Yes, there'll be let-downs, but then there'll also be another chance to experience everything with an open mind and not making any form.of unbiased decisions. I'll be able to react to another similar situation more again. Besides, if I were truly me,  I may live back the same life that I am living now, and hopefully doing so without the regrets that I have in the past. I think that it's good to forget about things sometimes, because there's simply no point in remembering things that make you unhappy just to serve as your own reminder. I guess maybe if I could go back in time, I would have retracted some of the words that I've said and perhaps treasure the people around me more. But of course, if I had amnesia, I wouldn't be so aware of what's going on around me and knowing how to react to situations.

Anyway, moving back to the normal style of blogging, I'm really sorry for not blogging like how I used to, by listing down all of the flow of events that occur in my daily life. It's because I've been treating this little haven of mine as a dumping site for my emotions and thoughts. Perhaps it'll be an outlet for me to channel my negativity away for a while, but also because this blog is no longer private, I don't really feel comfortable being so specific about certain parts of my life. Maybe this is because of my own desire to keep a little (or the bulk) of my privacy intact.

Moving on, I'm literally halfway through my Midyears and things haven't been going well for me. I think that I could have done better if I have placed more heart into doing the things that I'm supposed to do. But hey, I guess it's still not too late to begin now eh? It's just a hundred over days before I leave this institution and move on to perhaps one of the most tiring aspects of my life, and I'll try my best to make full use of it. Yes, to be honest, no matter how much I complain about the school, I really love it here. Reflecting back again, I think that i would have regretted making some of the decisions that i was really inclined into making in the past,  but this school really reminds me of why I should be living. And living my life well to the fullest.

And the memories I never can escape.