For me, there's an extremely thick line between being rude and teasing others. But that was downright and plain disrespectful. Congrats. You've successfully made me angry and lose every single bit of respect I had for you. You know, I was kinda planning to abuse my authority to you in the future, but if I did that, I would have stooped down to your disgusting level.

Ahh. I'm losing faith now. It seems everything around me has changed so drastically in such a short period of time. I feel left out once again and I don't know why. But I guess that it may be better to be alone than to be accompanied, since you don't have to worry about others in the first place. And I worry a lot.

And I think I gotta start keeping my emotions in check once again. I'm starting to feel angry more frequently and become very irritated over the slightest of things. I think that I'm thinking too much, especially the part about what others think of me.

Monster.

I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed.
Get along with the voices inside of my head.



Monsters. We all have monsters in us, whether or not it's in our characters or even on our bodies. Monsters are everywhere. In fact, many monsters come with a time bomb.They will only reveal themselves when the clocks stop ticking, and unleash their inner evil to everyone else. And in that moment, we'll only have three options to choose from. To choose whether you want to embrace, run from, or resist the evil unleashed at you.

I chose to run, and I'm still running.

Some do drugs, others go out for a run, but at the end we’re all just searching for that tiny space, perhaps a hole, that gives us shelter from the terrible reality of the world.

- Unknown (taken from Rebekah's blog)

Sometimes the chains you inflict on yourself simply isn't enough.

未来的道别。

我根本配不上你。
我会尽量忘记所有跟你有关的记忆,
把你戒掉。
可能是因为你还不知道事实吧,
但我很感激你一直肯跟我聊天,
让我开心一阵子。
对不起,
我可能不会实现我曾经对你说过的话,
让你失望了。
我们可能连朋友也不能当了。
但是,
我要你知道,
如果一天,
我真的决定从你的生命中离开的话,
请你原谅我,
也尊重我的决定。

我祝福你们俩。

我很想寂寞一下,
让自己静一静。
也许寂寞会让我感到更好,
让我回到以前的我。

Gone, gone, gone.

I wish I could deal with these insecurities.

Sometimes I feel like I should have said the words. So that I wouldn't be feeling any regret right now. But there are also times when I tell myself not to utter a single word, because I know that I will regret it the moment this friendship crumbles, just like the many others in the past. I should be feeling happy, even when I'm not, because I know that you're contented. I know that you have made your decision and it's probably good that you've stuck with it for the past few months. Maybe you're right, even when you don't notice it. It's probably better if you pick him over me. I'm the type of person who's still afraid, afraid to fall for someone. A person who is still unwilling to cross that line and make an extra mile for you. A person who is still shy of expressing his feelings. A person who still have scars all over his heart.

It was a fruitless uphill battle after all. I would never take the extra mile for you. I wish I would, but I wouldn't. I guess I didn't know him after all. I don't have anything compared to him. He's buff, handsome and maybe treats you well. You know him much longer and even better than compared to me. And most importantly, there's chemistry between you two. But me? I have nothing. Nothing at all, maybe just wild hopes and dreams. I place myself first, before anyone else. I don't think that I would come personally to your house just to wish you happy birthday when I have my As the next day. And even though I don't, I only wished you. That's all. I'm not good enough, and I think that I'll never be good enough. I like you, but maybe I don't love you enough.

And here I am, posting my feelings on this blog that you'll never have access to. Feelings that you'll never know because the coward in me has held me back throughout the past few months. Maybe moving on was an easier option after all, instead of holding on. It's hard to snap apart these heartstrings, but I promise that I'll do my best to cut them.

Maybe we can never be friends again because it may be better for us if we don't speak at all and for you to continue to be blinded by this fact forever. Maybe, but I'll see what I can do. I know that it wouldn't hurt that bad, since you weren't exactly my close friend to begin with. But it'll still hurt, and I'll see what I can do.

All love ever does is break,
and burn,
and end.

Prism.

You take me to utopia.

I've been feeling exceptionally happy this week. I don't know why, but it seems like there's confetti and butterflies everywhere I go. Maybe it's the hour-long conversation that we had, or the crazy PW sessions that I've been having this week. I have not been feeling down at any point of the week and that's good. It seems like November's starting with a positive note! 

I feel high, like really high. It's like I'm too high to care nowadays. Whenever my friends try to tease me or make me feel jealous, I don't have the feel of caring. It's like I'll just say "I don't really care" and simply brush it off my shoulders. Maybe it's a good thing, because I feel ecstatic about it!

Anyway, I've bought "Prism" last week and it has been great so far! I kinda like all the songs inside the album, even though I feel that "Teenage Dream" was definitely a better album because "Prism" lacks the humor and excitement that "Teenage Dream" delivers. But it's still a great album to listen to! Been jamming to it all day whenever I'm at home playing LoL or the XBox.

Bought Final Fantasy XIV: A Realm Reborn recently and I'm starting to regret it. It feels like WoW, but the graphics of WoW is so much better, and the controls are a little confusing for me ><. Maybe it's just me hating these types of MMORPG games on PC, but I don't really think that the game is worth $45. I honestly expected more from it, especially when it's the continuation of a series.

Anyway, I gotta sleep now. It's almost midnight, and I'm meeting my PW mates tomorrow! All the best for all of you out there taking PW for your OP (:

When I look back,

never would have known that.

Who Am I Living For.

I need the strength to handle the pressure.

Sometimes I feel lost inside, lost without a sense of direction. I don't really know where I'm headed to, or which path I should take. I'm starting to feel like a robot or an experiment, which only lives to serve a purpose. I've been given lectures on what I should do, because they claim that they know what I want. Yes, I want to have jobs that give me the highest practical returns. Jobs with high incomes. But I don't want to work with a career that I have absolutely no interest in.  I can't believe that I've actually said yes to attending a computer programming course. They don't get it, no matter what I say. I like being the consumer, but not the producer. I don't wanna be the one under fire for all the weird IT things. But yeah, I couldn't say no. And now my holidays are as busy as hell. I'm kinda looking forward for the work attachment programme, but I hate it when my CCA teachers give me a shit load of work to do. And worst of all, I don't even know whether the proposals will become reality at the end of the day, because they've been backing out from it at the last moment.

Anyway, my parents just came home from their two-week Europe trip and I'm glad that they chose to travel during this period even though I'm still kinda angry at them for not bringing me along. It's like my life have been so filled with PW that I spend only minimal amount of time at home. And even when I'm home, there's always some PW assignments to complete. There's not even enough time for me to rest,  let alone interact with them, during the submission of wr period. OP seems pretty relaxing for my group, because almost everything is already completed by the first dry run. But still, I'm pretty pissed off with some of my groupmates. It's like, the actual OP is only a few days away and she books all of her weekends just to study with her boyfriend to motivate him for his As. And there's this guy who have been practically slacking throughout the entire PW cycle. Sigh. The only reason why I like my PW sessions so much is because it's usually with my two other groupmates and we usually crap a lot, but at least we get our things done.

It's kinda cool bringing them to my house for PW, because the amount of fun that they bring to my home is enormous. They remind me of the things in my neighbourhood that I usually take for granted, like having a park right below my house, a swimming complex just 5 min away and having like 4 coffee shops/hawker centres that sell the most amazing food and the infamous "dick" rice (only 1320 gets this). I wonder why I used to hate bringing people to my house in the past if I had known that it would have been this fun. The koi bets, the teasing and the phone hacking.

Moving on, I've signed up to be an OGL! I don't really know whether my application would be accepted because I am not really a high person, but I hope that I'm given a chance to be one! I'm hoping that I don't screw up and that my OG would be as bonded as Chanan 7 ^^. Man. I kinda miss all of them. They were like the first 20 friends in NYJC and I'm like only keeping in touch with 3 of them, even though our WA group is still quite active. Gotta plan an outing for all of us to meet up again, after Nithya and Hong Jin finish their As!

Oh yeah, and November is cominggg. Can't wait for the month to actually arrive! It's going to be a relaxing once OP ends and there will be many more opportunities to hang out with my family and friends! And this also means that I'll be 17 soon! Haha. Can't wait for the day to come!

Hmmm. It's kinda late, so I guess I'll be signing off now. Adios!

I can see the heavens,
but I hear the flames calling out my name.

Grief.

"According to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, when we're dying or have suffered a catastrophic loss, we all move through five distinct stages of grief. We go into denial because the loss is so unthinkable we can’t imagine it’s true. We become angry with everyone, angry with survivors, angry with ourselves. Then we bargain. We beg. We plead. We offer everything we have, we offer our souls in exchange for just one more day. When the bargaining has failed and the anger is too hard to maintain, we fall into depression, despair, until finally we have to accept that we’ve done everything we can. We let go. We let go and move into acceptance.
Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn't just death we have to grieve. It's life. It's loss. It's change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That's how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive. By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won't feel this way. It won't hurt this much. Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can't control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away."

- Grey's Anatomy

I don't even know which stage I am at. 

By The Grace Of God.

There was no other way.

I've always liked Katy Perry. Her honesty and emotions from her songwriting reaches out to me. This song is conpletely relatable to me, because I've been in that position before. Whether or not to make an ultimatum with things and decide to hide away from all your problems for good. Deciding whether or not it was still worth living in this world. We both have friends who reprimanded our cowardice and supported us to bounce back up. Friends who would check about you every single day during that period of depression. They were the ones who handed you a mirror and gave you a thousand reasons why you should stay. And true enough, they were the friends worth keeping.

Sigh. It's either make or break today. I don't know if I am going to promote or not, because I don't really feel confident for them. My old friends say that I'll do well, like how I always do. But everthing seems different now. I'm easily distracted now, obssessed with things that I shouldn't be caring about in the first place. Busy imagining stories that will never come true. Busy holding on to the past and the mistakes that I've made. For those who know me, I apologize a lot, even for the slightest things. I'm too afraid to cause any more hurt and grief to others. It's my history that molded me this way. I'm afraid to lose any more people who are close to me. It was only a year ago when I had this tendency of shoving people away from my life and having too high expectations for those who stayed.  I was so called a loner, and I made myself that way. And now, I've changed. I'm now trying my best to make sure that everyone stays in my life, ensuring that nobody becomes the one that got away. Maybe it was the lowered expectations or the friends I've met this year that made me change. But honestly, I don't even know whether I like this change. Yes, I seem happy, but I don't feel happy. I no longer have anyone to talk to comfortably anymore without thinking that the other person is judging me or find me irritating, maybe except Jue Ying. Sometimes I feel that she's the real reason why I should stay in Nanyang. Don't get me wrong, the people here are nice. Like really nice. But I just don't have anyone to talk comfortably with.

I tried. But sometimes the best you have simply isn't enough. I've been fabricating this story all this while without even realising it. All the sweet dreams and imagination, they're all just made up and they make you cross the line. I wish I could just shrug and simply delete everything away, but I can't. Because all those fantasies will rush into my head regularly, reminding me about you. Reminding me of the things that I should have done. Reminding me of what a failure I am.

I really wanna get promoted. I've already planned out what I will be doing during the holidays. A work attachment programme for a month, LTC outings, choir clique outings, planning of cca timeline for 2014, family dinners twice a week and of course, gaming. I'll be adding workout sessions three times a week too. Everything is basically mapped out and all I got to do is to arrange the pieces. I don't want my results to be the wet blanket. I don't want it to foil my plans. I don't want to be delivered with the bad news of retaining on my birthday. I like being 16, and I want it to end with a good note. I want my birthday to be spent like how I spent mine last year. A day of tranquility at home sleeping with a dinner with my friends outside. But it looks like that will not be possible since there is school that day.. I wanna be at peace on that day. Nothing else.

Sigh. No matter what happens, I've already did my best, even though that's what losers usually say. I gotta find some way to ease the disappointment later, even if that means that I would be in denial. Any method will do as long as it works.

Anyway, all the best for those receiving back their results later, and my juniors who are taking their big O's!

I looked in the mirror, and decided to stay.